Good God, help here?
My problem:
I have rewritten this post probably 4 times to avoid too much context.
I have two step kids. SS9 and SS6. SS9 is the type of step kid that avoids you, isn't directly rude to you, but disrespects you in little ways. You say "hey kids, can you quiet down please while your dad takes a nap? :)" and ends up with them ripping up, tearing down, or otherwise destroying things you made for their room out of being "a little bit bored" quoth the raven.
"W....Why? Why couldn't you have played with legos or gone outside? Or asked your brother to play with you?"
"He helped rip it up too."
:? :? :? :?
So Im not even mad. Im scratching my head. I shove it off and remind them not to do it again because its not nice.
This has happened approximately 6 more times. Im not scratching my head anymore. I'm mad.
For example, I made one of those pinterest clothespin hangers for their artwork. I love crafts, I love doing crafts with my Skids! But any chance they get, they rip it up or something else when Im not around. 2 hour exacto knife snowflakes? Now in the garbage. Puzzle of minions for their wall? Now in the garbage.
They're well aware theyre not supposed to be doing it. After time outs, warnings, taking away privileges...They don't stop. I don't blame SS6 much. Why? Because anytime SS9 isnt around, he's playing quietly. He knows how to play alone and doesnt need constant watching to assure he's not breaking things. I feel like SS9 is persuading him into being his minion or something, because SS6 is closer to the anti-christ when SS9 is around. Constant whining, yelling, screaming, stomping, etc. As a step parent without kids, I try to be empathetic towards kids being kids. I was a kid. I am not horrible lol. A little stomping, a little yelling, hell, a little consequences are fine. But it feels like SS9 is taking it out on me. I ask him not to do something as a first warning, and he does it immediately after. Even when the warning happens once and there's immediate consequence.
For background: bio mom is an alcoholic that hasnt bothered to call them in over a year, and more than likely in jail. She abandoned them, beat the crap out of SS6, emotionally, verbally, physically abused them for a year while my husband was trying to get custody of them. So there's no third party source for this. There's no evil bio mom telling them to treat me this way. Yes, I have only known them for a year. I expect theres a lot more than what I can see in their behavior from their bio mom's teachings over the other 5-8.
But here's the bummer: I have a healthy relationship with my husband in EVERY other way except for this: any time this happens, he goes "they're just kids." and makes me sound like I'm step-mom became Hitler. I don't think its unreasonable to ask kids to not unnecessarily destroy things, especially things you've made for them. It's pretty cold to me. But I don't have any other way to vent about this. Everyone immediately takes the approach "WHOA....you're just asking for WAYYYY too much....they're just kids after all!!!!"
....am I missing something? Did not being pregnant for 9 months and going through an excruciating birth not mean kids have to respect you and your things? If I didn't personally pop one out, my opinion is moot? Lol.
So being a SAHM, this summer has been my personal hell. SS9 avoids me, peeks around corners to see what I'm doing, even after "bonding" conversations I feel go really well and he nods in agreement, I still get treated like crap once Dad's home.
Other side to this coin: SS9 also gets very creepy and invasive. Stands around to watch me talk to his Dad or kiss him, walks in during sex without knocking (no worries, he's not traumatized, he's never seen anything), keeps trying to get me to kiss him on the lips, or hangs all over me at night acting like a 5 year old (which his younger brother doesnt even do).
I assume it's lack of attachment to his bio mom. But I don't have kids. Can anyone help me out? What in god's name am I supposed to be learning from this? What do I do with this kid when all summer I've been stressed to the nines, trying to do everything right, but every method backfires on me? Ive seen people with similar situations but...lord. this one has me confused.
"this is why we can't have
"this is why we can't have nice things."
i'd stop making things for them. if you like crafty stuff and want to make things, great, but give them to loving, respectful people who will appreciate them. ss9 is not included in this category of people.
as for the "they're just kids" refrain, i, too, tire of hearing that. i urge you to read the recent news stories about a mother in florida who left her newborn alone with her six year old son - and the son savagely beat the newborn to death. how's that for effective parenting? surely, the six year old is just a kid!
i'm obviously not imputing any murderous intent on your ss9 (SNOWFLAKE KILLER!!!), but your husband does need to recognize that destructive, disrespectful behavior isn't acceptable, and he needs to step up and parent.
and as for the creepy behavior... i don't think it's strange for kids to see you talk or kiss (why would you want to hide that from kids?), but the walking in during sex would be a problem. maybe lock the door while you're horizontally engaged, and then unlock it afterward? if the kids need something while you are mid-coitus and they knock, you can have "no idea how the door got locked! must have bumped it!"
and re: his wanting to kiss you on the lips, that seems like something you want to have a talk about, explaining that generally only romantically involved couples kiss on the lips, and explaining to him important things about appropriate physical boundaries.
Yes - been there done
Yes - been there done that.
The SDs have broken, ruined, lost, ripped, dismantled many "nice" things I made, bought, given to them. And now I don't spend one dime or amount of time on it any longer. No guilt.
I am to the point where I'm getting them nothing but gift cards for birthdays and Xmas.
Sometimes if someone gives me something for free I may pass it along if I don't go out of my way. But that's it.
My DP continues to use "they are just kids" line to me...just last week in fact (they are 12.5 and 10.5 now). I snapped back at him, "Ohhhh, give me a break and BS! Just because they are young doesn't give them an excuse for a complete lack of respect for anyone else in this house!"
Just a thought. Have the
Just a thought. Have the kids been assessed for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome?
9 and 6 can be pretty rambunctious. We bought a house from a lady who had 3 boys and they were known as the "wrecking crew" in the neighborhood. We found things like an air vent completely full to the brim with Cheerios! (more than one box.. did it happen one at a time?). Some kids are reckless, others may intentionally be destructive. Intentional destruction means that they lose privileges of having nice things. They need consequences for their actions. They may end up in a plain room but that will be their choice.
I would try, and I assume you are, giving them a little extra leeway due to their biomom issues too. It wouldn't hurt to have them checked out though to make sure it's nothing serious.
Yes. I feel so much better
Yes. I feel so much better getting it out. Ss6 has FAS, btw. Hes in IEP programs, therapy, and medicated. Ss9 is supposedly the picture of health.
I'm glad to hear things don't magically get better with a new kid.
I assure all of you their punishment had indeed left them with an empty room. I don't hold the crafts themselves against them, more that I made it /for/ them.
However. Ss9 has had these talks. Hrs had the sit down on the birds and the bees and privacy. By, walking in on us talking and sneaking around the corner, I mean that in a bad way because he tries to pit me and husband against each pther. He tries to be the "I know what mom and dad are doing" kid and shares this stuff with his brother, even if his brother isn't interested since he's too young to care. That's why I'm frustrated....have had so many talks, and a "hey bud..I love you. And I'm trying to do my best" but then almost purposely goes to destroy my boundaries, things, and "tattle" unimportant things to his dad. it's like he's half matured, in a sense that bio mom exposed him to too much, but never explained anything. I try to do the opposite but he doesn't engage in conversation with me. Just nods and leaves. Or "yeah..ok".
I'm glad to hear the advice on just "letting it go" though. I believe hubby needs a little more time with them, and to take responsibility for these things that as their step mom I can't do. Hes at work 12 hours a day unfortunately. So it's been hard. But I'm really glad to not hear the judgemental arguments I've been hearing all along.
I'm envious of the response
I'm envious of the response you got then. The last couple days I've been anything but unconfrontational with ss9. He just gets a wounded dog look and sarcastically says "sorry" and does it again. It's why, after taking literally everything but his small collections of toys away, I'm confused as to what to do next. It's the problem with being treated like their mom, but not the respect and obligation to love as a biomom would receive. It's more like it's just held against me and then husband/in laws/ even my own damn mom look at me and go "wow....mean mommy". It's comical but sad.
Thank you. I think that's a
Thank you. I think that's a totally appropriate consequence I'm going to start using. I'm so tired of the sorrys to get out of troible. I even told him directly "your sorrys mean nothing to me anymore". But I think going that distance with a handwritten apology might work. I'm tired of being the sad stressed out mom because I can't forgive him as fast as I want to to get the point across. It makes my whole day turn crap.
I will also note bio mom was
I will also note bio mom was extremely abusive to DH. Including hitting him in front of the boys. I believe it may be because he doesn't want to see me get the same way? Or be too harsh?
Wow, you quoted exactly what
Wow, you quoted exactly what I fear ss9 may have seen. Yes, DH was away at work and bm supposedly drank her weight in wine while he was gone. Ss9 also saw bm and a boyfriend in the shower together. It's hard to talk about it because I believe he partially wants attention, but is also telling the truth. Hes exaggerated things in the past but, it still gets me. The bms boyfriend had daughters they played with, and he said he went to bfs house without bm there. I'm horrified of the possible things, so I tried to limit this thread to my context of things I could have been doing wrong, and could change /now/.
I'm trying to be the model of normal to get them into routine. We sit at the table, we teach good manners, etc. But part of me worries there's more that happened since it's almost like he's jealous his dad has me. Also, I would gladly take him to therapy, but we've had so many cps dealings because of bm I'm worried it would trudge up even worse things. And for a boy that barfs when he's upset, he would probably get too sick to handle it.
Thank you. (Im not on my
Thank you. (Im not on my phone anymore, so quicker response)
)
Unfortunately, I live in the midwest. I wont post my exact state because of fear BM may find the location of the kids (that would be horrible irreparable to their health right now). There's next to no health care here, and even SS6s therapist spends very little time with him. The only saving grace for his almost bipolar mood swings has been very low dose prozac, which helped him actually eat food and not cry from people even looking at him.
Unfortunately thats whats crappy. Would love to get help, but even MY therapist told me "you have a mood disorder. come back in 6 months and we'll talk about meds." Horrible doctors here. Wouldnt trust them farther than I can throw their paper counseling degree (not made into a paper airplane, mind you
I think the biggest mistake
I think the biggest mistake parents, step or not, make is to interpret their (s)kids behaviour as being a personal attack. Even when it IS a personal attack (such as I hate you, Dad!), it's still not a personal attack.
Go back to behaviour. Clear expectations, clear consequences, one warning and then execute consequence (or some with no warning, depending). Always, always, always, stay kind and firm when executing a consequence (omg, so much easier said than done). But if you're angry, the consequence should have been issued a LONG time ago.
A kid saying he hates you is a kid who is angry but hasn't learned an appropriate way to talk about his feelings and the situation yet. Not a kid who hates you. For example.
Anyway, I think these kids need a lot of conversations about boundaries and appropriate behaviours. It's like the whole stage of development where other kids learn this stuff got skipped over while they were with BM. Reset your expecations of what they know lower, but they will learn fast.
Thank you for your input. I
Thank you for your input. I will take that to heart.
Um. I'll assume you're being
Um. I'll assume you're being serious and respond.
Could be that your Stepbrat is doing things to sabotage you and your marriage. So you address the behaviours you don't like and look to figure out what they're trying to communicate so you can teach them a more appropriate way to talk about their feelings.
Maybe they don't like you. So you (or their parent) can teach them that enjoying someone's company is a choice, that not everybody 'clicks' with everyone else, and that ultimately, it doesn't matter because courteous, cordial manners are expected towards everyone in all situations at all times.
Maybe they feel you're a threat to their connection to their parent. So you (or their parent) can teach them that people have many different relationships at any one time, and while some are more or less important at a particular moment, none threaten the other. Maybe they deal with relational aggression, so you can teach them about character and values so that they recognize and avoid those behaviours in themselves and others.
For example.