Well, I started off spending evenly on all of them. If I bought for one, I bought for all. If we couldn't take all the kids, we didn't take any of them. We would budget the gift money, etc. But over the years things changed. My skids were ungrateful as far as I was concerned. It had to be so obvious to them that I was the creative gift buyer. I would go all out for everyone of them. But I never got a thank you, not once. It was thank you Daddy and he wasn't the one that was doing it. Anyway long story short...through the years the skids were just not all that nice to me or to my bio's so I stopped. I took care of the bio's and DH took care of the skids. Now that they are all entering adult hood I am back to purchasing the gifts. I will admit that I spend more on my Bio's but also found out that DH is slipping the skids cash in addition to the gifts. I do however spend evenly on all of the grandchildren and basically buy them the exact same thing. The skids and finances were always a challenging situation and it seemed that they always had their hand out.

DH is in charge of any gift-giving to his kids. I'm pretty sure they get a token check on birthdays and Christmas.

I spend what I want on my own bio.

We treated them all the same; I don't have any bios now. But when they married and began their own families, we give a family gift basket, or whatever; kept it even.

After 36 years, we are retired and on a fixed income. The gift giving is $$$$ in the great-grandkids savings accounts and nothing more to anyone else.

I do not have children, but I have a much younger sister who is single with no children. Our parents are deceased. I've always been a pseudo mother figure to her. My DH has one son who is 30.

I buy all presents. SS30 gets a token gift from DH. Now that he is living with BabyMama and has produced a child I told DH that the adults no longer get presents for birthdays, Christmas - just a gift for the child.

If DH ever wants to question any of this I just ask "Did your parents pay for stuff for you after you got married and had a child?" Of course not. DH was the oldest of 5 and his parents had no money. They could barely provide for the kids still left at home - they had no money for gifts to a grown man who was a husband and father.

BabyMama's mother has showered her with gifts once she got pregnant. She even bought a house for them to live in plus furniture and everything the baby could ever need and then some. I sent a stocking for Christmas and some baby outfits (age 18 months as no one needs all of those 3-6 months clothes) for when the baby was born. I was not invited to any showers. I just bought a few things for DH to go take with him when he went to see the baby. I maybe spent $30 total.

My sister - well one year I gave her $500 for her birthday. I give her nice things because I want to and it's my money. I don't advertise it though.

My SS30 is a worthless POS violent alcoholic. My sister is a decent, educated hardworking lovely person with many friends who would do anything for me (and has). She's never been arrested or in jail. One year when she had terrible health problems (2 brain surgeries) and almost died (could not work) I gave her $15,000. I wouldn't give SS 15 cents.

DH came home a few weeks ago and said that BabyMama wanted a $150 Keurig for her birthday. I laughed and said "well that's not coming from us". That's when I first brought up the "only gifts for the baby from now on" thing.

Always tried to keep it equal but eventually the step would always want his share. It has stopped since then but in the younger days equal is important.

Since SS is an only child in our marriage/family we have not had this challenge to address.

This topic does apply to my parents and to my FIL though. My parents do treat all of the GKs comparably including my SS. He is their oldest grandchild though my niece is their first. My son (SS) is 18mos older than my niece and my parents met him 4ish months before my niece was born. My wife and I married 5mos after my niece was born. Mom and dad have always treated my SS as their grandson.

My bride is not my FIL's BK though he was in the delivery room when she was born. My FIL and MIL married when my wife was 2mos old. My MIL's first husband who is my wife's biodad was killed in a car accident before my MIL knew she was pregnant. My FIL and his family were close friends with my MILs family and dated my MILs younger sister in HS. When my MIL repatriated to the US after the death of her first husband my FIL was in the picture immediately. He was with her through the rest of her pregnancy and was in the delivery room when my wife was born. She is the eldest of four kids and FIL has never treated or considered her as anything other than his eldest child.

We renewed our vows in 2014 and as part of that celebration my wife had asked her dad to adopt her. The adoption was granted while we were celebrating our 20th anniversary and vow renewal.

A year after that our son called his mom and I for a talk. He requested that I adopt him. So, we made that happen.

We are fortunate that we do not have this drama to address.

We treated them the same except my mother favored our bio over my SD which caused her heartache. I tried to hide this but was unsuccessful. College was a little different since my sd had a d average and my son applied himself more. We wanted her to fill out a fasfa, she refused and got tuition money from my fil after beating up my husband when he refused to help her unless she applied for scholarships. My son will apply for scholarships, but I also have more money for him because I make more than my husband. My SD applied herself in community college, and I offered her help then, after she applied for aid. She refused, claiming I was trying to buy her love.

I only have the skids so I am not as much help. I will tell you at the start I did spend as much on them as I did on my godchildren for little or no return. Then last Xmas there was a big incident - it is one of my previous forum posts. After said incident I started to spend the minimum. I bought the cheapest toys on clearance in Jan for their bdays in May and the cheapest toys in the June sale for Xmas.
The doll I bought in clearance has gotten more love and attention than anything expensive I ever bought... Go figure.

I think the thing to do is to start equal and see how they behave. If ungrateful, cut them off.

I don't spend any money on the skids... and I spend whatever I want on my bio.

DH sometimes buys my bio something which is always appreciated.

DH usually gives skids a gift card for X-mas. Last year I shopped (with his money) for his grand kids but I won't do that again this year. I am even more disengaged.

I have no birth children. In the first years of our marriage I used to pay for at least 1/2 of everything for SD and her husband - and they each were making more than DH and I combined. I rarely received a thank you and it appeared SD resented me being involved in the selection of her gifts. DH would insist on paying the bill when we went out for dinner or vacations together. They were extremely cheap with us. I can recall only one instance where they paid the bill at an inexpensive restaurant - and then SD was very angry because she had planned on paying for cut-rate lunches when the restaurant used the regular menu on Sundays.

They say love and giving is like a bank: Too many withdrawals and not enough deposits cause you to become bankrupt. Eventually I lost all desire to 'win over' SD. I suggested DH pay for his family and I would pay for mine. Really odd how DH's generosity dwindled when he alone had to pay for SD and he husband when they wanted the most expensive thing on the menu or a fancy hotel room.

There are people I give to freely and expect nothing in return. When this is the case, I feel good about giving. When giving becomes an obligation or a 'love bribe', it just doesn't feel good. If you are always giving and not being appreciated for it, why give anymore? Give them the 'gift' of not being obligated to you. This goes for anybody - blood family or skids.

Nope.

SD is an adult, and ours are very young, so that's the reasoning DH doesn't give much to SD anymore. HOWEVER, up until 2 years ago, DH spent more on SD than he ever did our children. 20 years ago, SD got a $10k backyard playset, and our 3 kids together have NOTHING. We finally got a second hand one that was only ever a fraction of the price today what SD's was back then, but it's still nothing compared to her. SD got the best of everything all way through college. DH bought her multiple computers (Macbooks!) in college, he had bought her a car, etc. All in addition to CS. Our 3 will never get a fractions of what SD got a child. I only accept this because I like to see money in our savings account, whereas BM ruled how money was spent years ago.

I like what Sandy had to write about love. It reminds me of SIL. SIL is divorced with 2 kids and lives off of MIL and FIL. She chooses not to work even though her ex doesn't pay a dime in CS. SIL takes her kids on super expensive vacations, and DH is starting to resent MIL and FIL. DH has worked hard all of his life, he always supported SD, even when he was unemployed at times, and he supports us. We live within our means, and don't need anyone. We are more supportive of MIL and FIL - we visit, we cook, we pay for dinners, we bring gifts. I feel like telling MIL that SIL only cares about their money, and they will strain their relationship with DH over her. SMH