• in 2001 his 4 y/o drowned while drunk mom sat poolside and he was fishing. 

• shock of nephew passing put husbands sister into coma and she passed two days after his son.

• after son died they had the two younger boys

• 2012 ex wife still alcoholic and he gives ultimatum, marriage or alcohol. She chose alcohol.

• ex wife took all kids except the oldest. He was 18 at the time. 

• when I met him (e-harmony) oldest was 20 and he and dad had spent two years living like bachelors. Drinking a lot, doing whatever they wanted and kid didn’t have job.

• grandma put oldest through one full year of college, paid by her, then had a massive stroke

• oldest kid started sophomore year of college in 2013.

• dad and I married in 2014. I was told kids would live with us until college graduation then they would get job and move out. 

• oldest kid lived with us full time.  Was with us every night. Had no friends. Dad was his best friend.

• when kids were younger they used to like doing stuff with me more. I taught daughter how to drive, we would go for off road drives in truck alone for hours. Younger boys were 8 and 11. We would go fishing. 

• husband has two other sisters alive. One is 42 with mentality of 2 year old. The other had a son who was 21 and committed suicide in 2016.

• mother in law had stroke She got worse. Eventually we were at the hospital more. Staying the night with her at hospital. She passed away in 2018.

this is when I start to loose it:

• a year after mom in law passes, I am hit hard with anxiety and depression. Too much loss and SD graduated from HS and 3 days later got arrested for DUI.

• she moves into our home. We still have oldest living with us. It’s 2018 and he is still in college, but now is starting to see a girl for the first time in his life. He has her over all the time and it makes me freak out. I am uncomfortable with a stranger in the house.

• stepdaughter is in full competition mode with me for her “daddy’s” attention. I try to point it out to husband but he gets angry with me.

•the older the kids got, the less of a priority our marriage became. We didn’t go out alone, we were never at home alone, I developed bad bad anxiety because of the older kids having friends over all the time. There were no rules, no boundaries, he was the fun dad, they had no chores, they didn’t pay rent. It was chaos to me.

•I tried committing suicide. I slit my wrists after yet another fight we got into about the kids. I ended up in hospital for a week.  That was just this past February. I have been to therapy and on medication. I have worked so hard and I am stronger now than ever before.

• we did marriage counseling. But he always put blame on my anxiety. I tried so hard to get over my anxiety.

• I thought we were doing better, but then about a month ago he snapped.

•he said that we need to get a divorce because he already lost one child and he has to take care of the other five.

• he blamed me for the suicide attempt, saying “why would you do that to me? After everything I have been through? Why would you do that to my sister after she lost her son? Why would you just us like that?

• he says I am bad with his kids. I believe he is only speaking about the two that live with him. The 25 year old and 20 year old. I can admit to him and anyone else I have a hard time with them. I think they don’t like me because I need order and not a frat party.

• I have been in my own apt for 3 weeks now and he says he loves me, his kids are his priority and he has to take care of them.  He sent this text to me after I asked him if it was because I was “unloveable”, this was his response:  “I don’t find that to be true. As I have said before, it’s just that you and the kids don’t mix well. I do love you. I can’t imagine though, how it would feel to try to integrate to this family. We are just a bit too scarred.”

I certainly don’t expect you to reconcile in your head my perspective.  That’s kinda the core of the issue.  No one could.  Either someone has to accept the fact that  I will always put my kids first or they don’t.  Along with that comes supporting that decision.  For now my time and energy is devoted to them.  Unfair of me to expect that another person would be willing to accept that position.  It’s certainly sad. But it is what it is.  I will never change that about me.  

It’s not fair to you to push this out. I will honor the obligations that we discussed.  I’ll put them all in writing after next week.  You would be far better off hating me at some point.  I would not blame you.  You are not the first person to point out to me that I am cold.  And that’s ok.  It took me a long time to figure out who I am.  I have reconciled that with myself.  I have 5 kids that have not exactly had the best life.  My sole job is to protect them the best I can.  As it turns out, it’s kind of a full time job with little left for someone that also needs protection.  Complexly unfair to you, but I can’t change it

I really appreciated all the thoughts and comments. This is hard. I am about to turn 49, and he just turned 52. I am too old for this! This was husband #2 for me. I married #1 when I was 19 only to find he like to beat the wollup out of me. Got pregnant and by 23 I had run away and was living in hiding with my 1 year old. So, I raised my son as a single parent, only a HS diploma, no degree, did two years on welfare but knew I was better and my kid deserved better. I have worked for the US government for 10 years, have amazing benefits, a decent retirement, , my kid has a college degree, a wife and just got accepted To grad school for animation. He is 27 and has been on his own since he was 18. I am a survivor. I have had to do it before, I can do it again. I hate being alone, maybe it won’t be forever. Maybe It will. I have become stronger in the last six months.  I know that I deserve better than this. Here’s to my independence!  Hey, if any of you are keen to keep in touch, PM me!