Enabling DH

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I wrote about my husband's kids two years ago and things have only gotten worse. I'm trying to keep my marriage together but I'm not sure. DH daughter has always had bums for boyfriends but this last one is a beaut. He's awaiting trial for shooting at either her or her son. Kicker is she's tried to avoid testifying thinking he will be free to come back to her. She kicked her daughter out two years ago because of this criminal. When granddaughter (GD) moved in with us DH set no boundaries, granddaughter did no chores and GD gave up a job that required her to work weekends.

Granddaughter started driving and her grades went into toilet, his car smelled like pot and shes sexually active. Granddaughter and her mother decided to have a party in our house without asking us, the homeownwers, and DH didn't see the problem.

SD was in jail on material warrant because she wouldn't show up for criminal boyfriend trial. SD cursed her father over this criminal AND then called DH for help, which he gave.

SS is in another state, thank godness, but he's complaining about his oldest sister and her neuroses. SS isn't working, living off his mother. I told him instead of listening to that mess DH should tell him to come back to this state and face the warant for his arrest and maybe he will find a new life.

My DH calls me the "perfect mother" because I have a daughter with a Masters degree, one daughter a year away from her undergrad, and one searching for MBA programs. He wants me to delay my graduate education because he needs help paying bills. His GD had a job but blows the little she makes and asks DH for things instead of saving.That was when I blew my stack! I let 16 years of this dysfunction loose.

I come to realize he has made his kids a mess and he's starting a new generation. SD has 4 kids. Granddaughter moved back with her mother after my blow up and she got a car from DH. He went into his retirement to buy it while mine sat for 2 months until I saved for repairs.

To say I'm done is an understatement. People are encouraging me to write a novel! Believe ne when folks srart complaining about their lives, I shake my head.

Before anyone say I enabled him, I have tried and tried to exhaustion to change DH. That's when he became secretive. I never know what's going on until situations directly affect me and he could no longer keep it secret.

So I presented a challenge to DH for him to say "No" to his kids. Guess what? He said he can help his kids if he wants to.
I'm done. I have to regroup and take stock of MY future.

It's time for you to leave.

I'm guessing that when he says you are the perfect mother he's being sarcastic.

You are right when you say that he's ruined one generation and is now ruining the next. Get away from him and his toxic family.

You don't need them and they certainly don't need you.

Take care of yourself and your future.

OMG, please leave and get

OMG, please leave and get your own future in order. He is going to bankrupt you. You will be destitute in your old age if you stay with him.

You are a perfect mother and he is a screwed up, dilusional, enabling wreck of a father.

I know and I'm making plans.

I know and I'm making plans. I've tried to get us counseling but he says he doesn't need it. He called me 2-faced when he heard me having a civilized conversion with my girlfriend of 23 years. She and her husband had offered me sanctuary on many occasions. My MIL and I never speak because of this dysfunction but then she v has my dysfunctional BIL to deal with.

You can call it a sickness, a

You can call it a sickness, a mindset, culture, or worldview - whichever, you can't force someone to get healthy or to stop being trash.

You seem to have married beneath you into a family of criminal bottom feeders. They're going to continue to do what they do regardless of you. Fish gotta swim, after all. And now your H expects you to forego your educational goals in order to enable his enabling. That would be a deal breaker for me.

My Irish mother would tell you, if you lay down with dogs, you'll get up with fleas. Please value yourself enough to get out of that crazy family and create a life of calm and reason.

"You seem to have married

"You seem to have married beneath you into a family of criminal bottom feeders." I love how that sums it up.

My DH's two sons are/were criminal bottom feeders (the criminal murder involved gang member is now dead). But fortunately for me I did not marry beneath myself as my DH is not a POS like his two sons ended up being.

Not really sure how he and BM produced such worthless spawn. BM may have been a promiscuous tramp in her youth, but she has a degree and has held a professional job for 30+ years. Neither DH nor BM are criminals and neither has ever sunk to the level of their two worthless sons.

Your DH does not have to stoop to the level of his spawn. He is CHOOSING to do so. If I were you I would CHOOSE to leave.

Wow! I SO relate to you. I

Wow! I SO relate to you. I gave my husband an ultimatum....STOP the enabling or I'm gone. My story is similar to yours...36 year old SD who has one child(she never went after the child's father for support as they are "friends") and is trying to get pregnant with another---with a man who JUST had a baby by another woman and has a toddler by another.She's been enabled her entire life.

You need to put your foot down and tell DH that either he gets into therapy (which MAY help him to see the dynamics behind the adult SDs manipulative behavior), inisist on NO MORE money and NO MORE giving a place to live---or, you need to leave.

I'm sorry if I sound too blunt...but, these men need a wake-up and not our precious lives spent on adults who use us.

I couldn't have been more

I couldn't have been more blunt to this man. I even challenged him to turn off the money tap. I am taking vacation to look at possible places for relocation. I have a flexible career.

Do what I did; kick him to

Do what I did; kick him to the curb. My DH refused to go to counseling as well; so I did my own counseling for him. You said "our home". You can clean house with the assistance of Law Enforcement and obtain a restraining order, as well as a Court order to obtain possession of your home, until the divorce papers state the exact split.

I did this and DH came to his senses. Sometimes, drastic awakening has to take place. Inconvenience your DH, not yourself. Flush that house of all these toxic people. See a Victim Advocate, it doesn't cost, and they will assist you in the process. Take it slow, don't let anyone know, until you have all the papers filed; then let Law Enforcement do the notifications.

Again, I did this, it worked.

"He wants me to delay my

"He wants me to delay my graduate education because he needs help paying bills."

Um no, don't do it. I'm glad you're done, stay done, stay free.

When people show you what

When people show you what they are, you should believe them.

Your DH has made it clear that while he wants your financial input, he doesn't want your input with his family. He is going to let them do whatever they want, just like they always have done. He has plainly told you that your opinion doesn't matter.

You deserve to be happy and I don't think you will have that if you stay with him.

You do say you tried to change him, but that is not necessarily the same thing as "not enabling him". You have allowed things to go on in your home for his and his children's benefit that are contrary to what you need. You have helped financially allow his GD to coast.

You need to exit this drama.

You have put up with this for

You have put up with this for far too long.

I am packing for my vacation

I am packing for my vacation to check out a possible place for relocation. I'm going to take little jaunts to some areas that I have always wanted to see. I'm also checking out the local universities for graduate school as well. I have never had to live a ghetto existence and I refuse to let this man and his kids drag me into a hole.