Hello Gentlemen,

I just had the idea to turn to the men for some perspective. After reading many of the posts, my situation is not unique, or the worst out there, but difficult for me to handle all the same and I am looking for solutions.

My fiance is the most amazing man I have ever met. We have been together for almost 4 years, and when I look at him, my insides still melt.

We have 6 kids between the two of us, and of course its not always perfect, but the kids get along as well as siblings do, our children do not hate their step-parents even though our exes make their unhappiness known.

My fiance's top priority post-divorce is civility with his ex. He gave her the house, paid off her car, and is fully responsible for the children's educational expenses, including aftercare and all extra-curriculars or camps. When she has asked him for money, he has given her money, which I am ok with if we have it, even though she makes six figures. The last time he gave her money though, we didn't really have it and he cut my household budget, and it did bother me. He opened a separate bank account so now if he gives her money, I do not know.

The parenting schedule is very hard to deal with. 2 days on, 2 days off, plus so much switching I don't know what is going on from one week to the next. The communication relating to the switching is constant, the exchange of goods, etc. She has interrupted every vacation we have ever taken with unnecessary contact, she books trips for herself for 10 days and over without checking to make sure the dates work, etc. She loves her children but is not very interested in being a mom, and my fiance shoulders not only the financial burden, but all responsibility with their athletic development, medical appointments, homework, etc. The irony, I don't think he doesn't find too much joy in being a dad but he is the type of guy who does what he has to do. His kids are a bit difficult, but I don't blame them. They get passed around so much and their grandmother and I handle alot of the "babysitting."

When I voice my unhappiness with the situation, I get shot down immediately. There is no empathy, there is no teamwork. He has been very clear that he will bend over backwards however much is needed to keep a civil relationship, and will not say no to her. I have tried asking him to put himself in my shoes, as in, how would he feel if I handled my ex the way he handles his, and while sometimes he understands, the overall environment doesn't change. When I read the other posts, my situation with his ex isn't as bad, but its the lack of support that I am having a hard time with. She was really mean to him in their marriage, was not supportive and made him feel bad about himself. I know it takes two people to end a marriage but I witnessed their interactions when I worked for him so while I am sure he made mistakes, I think the verbal abuse was pretty bad. If she was a really good person, who was dedicated to her kids, I think I would be more supportive and wanting to do whatever we could to make her life easier. I do not think he still has feelings for her, or that he is trying to keep the door open. I think she has made him feel guilty for leaving her, and I wonder if he wants prove to her that he is superman and can do it all. He has mentioned a couple times that he doesn't want to ask her for anything.

What he is not understanding that a few years of being her doormat is affecting the security, health and happiness of our home. If he has his kids too much he snaps at them, he doesn't have time to give his business the attention it requires, his health is suffering, his stress level is high (I am worried about him having a heart attack). I am unhappy because time with his children is an exercise in patience and discipline and not much fun, and he is sick of me complaining about the switches. Our time together has decreased. I feel like the "second" wife, and the punching bag. She is not overtly mean to me but she does passive aggressive things that he doesn't want to hear about (I stopped trying a couple of years ago). I feel that she knows that she can get away with whatever she wants.

So I am beginning to accept that if we stay together, he will continue to handle her how he sees fit. I really can't continue on like this, and I think my children would love to have me all to themselves in a one-bedroom apartment like we used to be. I have thrown my life into my fiance's life and I am starting to feel like the only one benefiting from our combined efforts is his ex-wife. I don't feel like he is doing the children any favors by allowing her to get away with botched homework assignments and long trips away.

He would never want me to describe myself as being second, and he does not believe that he treats me this way, but when the foundations of our home are cracking to accommodate her disinterest in parenting, I don't feel like we are a team. He thinks that because my ex hates me, that I want him to have a high conflict relationship too, and its hurts me deeply each time he says that. The one good thing about my (lack of) relationship with my ex-husband is that he does not interfere with us at all.

So the questions is, do I suggest living separately? I help alot with his children and I worry about the added burden upon him. Would it solve the problem? to a lesser extent I worry about supporting myself as I have been a stay-at-home mom for almost 4 years and worked for him the two years before that. A larger concern would be if he could handle me being on my own. Moving out would give me a sense of freedom, and he would need to trust me. Would not spending our days together affect our connection? I have also tried coming up with solutions to help me live with the situation like requesting that they change the parenting schedule, trying to get my children moved here for school days (they are an hour and a half away and I only have them holidays and weekends), having a child together (drastic), but all have failed for one reason or the other.

So, is living separately a viable solution to this problem?

Thank you in advance!