I did not think of her turning into the mini wife... that would be a nightmare! I don't mind him having some daddy daughter time, my girls love my husband and still like time alone with me sometimes for girl talk, but a whole weekend away from home is another story!

Thanks for all the input everyone! There were a lot of questions people had about our situation, I will try to answer for you. I am new to this site and not familiar with all the abbreviations- What in the world is an OP? LOL I gather it's me? Not sure what it stands for?

Ok, so my husband and I have been together for a couple years. the BM stopped me from being around the kids until the final hearing when the judge nailed her for putting that stipulation on my husbands visits. She wouldn't let him take them for visits if I was present which was not in the judges temporary orders so he said it was her fault that they hadn't gotten to know me, which she complained about. Since then they have been visiting with both of us there or them coming up here for over a year. We see them every couple of months or so.

There is no question of the BM manipulating and alienating the girls from us. It is really obvious. They repeat her exact words to him. BM has told him over the phone when he calls that he is a horrible father who doesn't love his kids and isn't a part of their lives when the kids are sitting right next to her. She has lied in court accusing him of all kinds of crap. She was financially and emotionally abusive during their marriage and always threatened him to take his kids away from him if he ever left. All she ever cared about was money, he was her cash machine. And she has tried to make it stay that way.

The reason the kids and us live in separate states is because BM lost their house up here when they were still married, by not paying the mortgage for 2 years! All the kids were born up here, they lived their whole lives up here until 4 or 5 years ago when she lost the house, and both of their families live here. He is a merchant mariner who spends half the time working out at sea. he had no idea she wasn't paying the bills and the mortgage until he got a call out in the middle of the ocean that they were being evicted. She lied and told him it was a mistake, but he found out she just stopped making the payments.. hid bills in drawers, no mistakes. He never got to go back to his home again, she left his camping gear and his tools, his mountain bike, only took his clothes. She decided to pick out a house In AZ because it was better for her daughter's pageants because that is what she spend all their money on. She cashed out all his retirement to put down on a house down there for their family. They separated and he moved out 3 years ago, He moved back here when he filed for divorce 2 years ago, because his whole family lives here, and his best friend etc. This is home. (He only wanted to spread part of his dad's ashes at the grand canyon cause his dad loved it there, not to be by BM! hell no!)

The kids are used to spending time without him around because he is a merchant mariner, he is at sea for a couple months at a time and has had this job their whole lives. He sees them every time he is off the boat for anywhere from a weekend to 2 weeks. Yes I spend time alone with my girls since he is gone at work half the time. When he is home I spend very little alone time with my girls besides a talk if they need it or ride home from school etc. They understand. I dont' have a problem with him spending alone time with his daughter or daughters, just don't think SD11 should dictate that I can't come down for a whole weekend. It is definitely instigate by BM since she started it at the beginning not letting me be around them saying that he should only focus on them not me. He doesn't focus on me when we are with them, we both focus on the kids. and yes SD7 loves me and loves spending time with me. To be clear my husband WANTS me to go with him on visit. He hates going down there alone because of the hatred that is ex and her parents who live there treat him with partly. We don't have marital issues as someone said, we are a united force for real, we are best friends and each other's support. He wants us to spend time with his girls together as much as possible. He wants them to know me better too.

Hope this helps background info!! And we are going down for court because she is refusing to do anything the judge ordered her to. He pays her support every month and she won't pay him his equity out of the house or pay any other bills she was ordered to pay. Meanwhile we are going broke paying for all these trips back and forth for court and visits because we pay 100% since he is the one who moved, even though almost their whole marriage was spent up here! He is being penalized and made to look like the bad guy for moving back home.

That is a really interesting article indeed. I do think SD11 feels guilty if she likes me. SD7 doesn't have a problem with it probably because of her age. she was only 5 when she first met me and said right away that she knew I would be nice. I don't feel that I bend over backwards for them to like me. I have 3 daughters of my own (10,15,and 21) So I know a thing or two about raising girls, I just am a genuine person who cares about others feelings, unlike BM. I just don't like the way BM uses husbands girls as tools in her game. They are people and this can have lasting affects on their lives. BM is nice to my face so I'm wondering if I can use that to my advantage and get her to give permission for SD11 to like me without feeling guilty.

It is good to note too that SD11 was the first one I met, she was the first to know her dad had decided to date me and she was ecstatic! Literally she hugged me tight and was so excited to meet me. She even said that she hoped her dad married me.. yes, that soon! And she just wanted her dad to be happy she really liked me. We both were there and he told her that he was going to move to their previous home state like he had told her he wanted to for months, but that we were going to make it so she could visit and spend time with him without her mom dictating everything like she did down there.

When he lived down there BM wouldn't allow the girls to spend the night with their dad, only let him see them when she wanted him to pick them up from school or take them to lessons. Wouldn't even let him use one of the 2 cars he was paying for and his name was on loan and registration unless he was driving the girls somewhere! He had to walk over from the house he was renting a room in to his old house and pick up the car and girls and then drop it off and walk back home. SD11 was so happy about the thought of it all changing she had tears in her eyes.

See, her mom used to yell at her and blame her for everything and tell her she was just like her dad. She even told me this on that first meeting. She was the only one who knew her dad had started dating because we knew the s*** would hit the fan if BM found out. Which it did a couple months later... And then SD11 I think felt guilty for meeting me, for liking me, for supporting her dad. Because BM started calling us all kinds of names and saying we were adulterers because the judge had not signed the final divorce papers so they were legally still married. BM told kids he was not just divorcing her but was divorcing them too, and abandoned them to party and have a girlfriend. I know she made SD11 feel like she had done something terrible and she resented us for involving her in what she was told was this horrible thing that was ruining her mom's life and hers now. BM started treating her good and telling her that she was the only parent she had now to align her with her. If her mom had not reacted in that way none of it would have happened.

BM even told him previously that they had lived apart she knew they were not getting back together, they were filing for divorce and she was fine with dating, that she wanted to start dating herself and didn't care if he did. Well she denied this ever was said and told everyone he was a horrible adulterer, alcoholic, deadbeat who abandoned his kids and stole the family car to move to another state. A car that was in his name only. There were 2 other cars in the household other than the one he took to move, BM's parents car, who live with her, and the oldest daughter's SD18, who was 16 at the time. had another car in husbands name he was paying for the oldest daughter to drive. She thought he should get nothing but his clothes I guess. So BM told the girls he stole the family car from her. Literally all he got in the divorce was the car he took that was in his name, and his clothes. She got everything else, the house and everything in it. He got nothing for the furniture or contents of the house and garage, but she was ordered to pay him part of the equity in the house which she has not.

My husband keeps telling SD11 that I love her and want to see her too as a reason for me coming down there. yes I want to see the girls, but not force myself on them. And she keeps saying I'm not her mom, so yeah, I keep telling him to back off on telling her I love and care so much because she may not want to hear that? I don't know I've never been a step mom before. I told him feelings take awhile to grow, but he wants her to like me as much as the younger one does. I do want the girls to get to know me better, and the only way that happens is spending time. But the major reason for me going honestly is to support my husband in his court hearing and spend time with him on the days the girls aren't with us since we rarely get alone time either. SD7 would like to see me too I think, and me her.

I don't leave it to my husband to deal with his baggage alone because we are married now and nobody should have to go through what she has put him through, He is a great guy and a good loving father. She is just mean and narcissistic and cares about herself and her endgame. He was too nice for her and I am nice too, but don't mess with the people I love. I am a very loving and giving person so I think my husband was even surprised at my tough side. I love him and he loves me, we are a united front. When all the kids are grown and have families of their own we will still be together. He is worried about my feelings, which it does hurt to not be wanted and called names behind my back etc. He is planning to tell her I am his wife and she needs to respect that and has already offered alone time for lunch or something, but she doesn't think it's good enough. He just doesn't want her to freak out and cry asking for alone visits all the time. I do think she will keep asking if he gives in to her. And I think BM needs to know that using SD11 to do her dirty work doesn't work. We just don't know how to handle all of it at times, it's emotionally draining.