How do I step-parent a child with mental issues?
I am married to the man of my dreams. Three weeks before the wedding, his already-mentally-unstable ex went crazy and his kids left her. We have had 100% custody ever since (2 1/2 years). BM attempted suicide after they left her. We made sure they never found out. Courts upheld the custody agreement and they are here....ALL THE TIME.
The kids have had issues because of the abuse suffered while with BM. STep daughter was depressed and suicidal. Inpatient for 5 days. On meds and doing better now. Step son endured not only verbal but phsical abuse and has extreme anxiety and now OCD.
This has been going on for over a year now and he treats me (step mom) like crap. Dad is now navigating the whole treatment thing for the OCD. I am helping by listening to him and helping research help and deal with insurance, but can't bring myself to help my step son. I don't feel it.
My husband doesn't understand that I don't have any maternal feelings for his child and really don't even like him right now due to his behavior this past YEAR...and is mad I'm not complimenting SS and interacting with him like dad is.
I can't be fake...I've tried. It doesn't work.
The SS doesn't see it, but my husband wants me to praise SS all the time. I'm not there.
How do I deal with this????
This is my lot in life as
This is my lot in life as well.
Our situation is a little differrent in that we both have crazy exes, and we both have kids with issues. So we can be a little more understanding to what the other steparent is experiencing.
You will never bond with the SKID as much as with your own child. I have a SS tha I'm very close to, and to say that I love him as much as my own flesh and blood would be rediculous. It's just not possible. Had I adopted him when he was a baby, I think I would have loved him as much as my bio kids. We would have had that baby bonding experience. But he came into my life he was already 8 yers old. That said, he's a great kid and I do love him.
The other one, the one with the more severe mental issues, is another story. I would be there if he was sick or in danger, but I really dread him being around. He still soils hs pants at age 10. He acts very juvenile quesstions (like he's 3 years behind where he should be). And he almost drowned my bio son when he was only 3.
I would start by disengaging from this child, and see where the chips fall (google disengaging essay). I don't think you need to tell people what you are doing. No big drama, no big announcements. Just do it.
I find when you stop being the buffer between the impaired SKID and his family, they finally realize what's going on an nd work harder at finding the solutions. It took my disengaging for MIL to FINALLY realize that SS10 had a problem! Even thogh this kid is a nutjob who was never potty trained.
Disengaging is a good exercise, even if you don't do it permanently. It will show you a lot about your marriage too.
I'd like to add that having a
I'd like to add that having a child with mental issues is EXTREMELY difficult, whether it's your SKID or your bio kid.
When it's your bio kid, it's heart wrenching. You want your child to succeed in life, and you're watching them proceed with a huge handicap. Then they do better, and you think "oh all is well, they'll be fine", then something happens to show you that they're not fine, and you grieve and go into dispair all over again.
Rinse Lather Repeat.
All I can say about that, as someone who is worrying about several children with developmental issues, is that it's very important to relax and let go.
Whenever my DH or I need a pep talk about what one of our kids are going through, and how we feel like we're failing them, we go through the list of everything we're doing right. How we're getting them everything we can (counseling, social skills classes, medication, tutors, etc.). One of us wil tell the other one that they're doing everything they can. We even follow the ADHD diet for the entire family...
So really, we are doing everything we can for our kids. And we need to make sure we don't shortchange the normal kids, by giving the special needs kids more attention.
It's very difficult not to blame yourself. And your family might even blame you (because older people think that one should be able to parent mental illness out of a child)..
In other words, your DH needs support. It is important that he realizes that his kids issues are genetic (look at BM), and they cannot nbe erased. As long as he is doing what he can to get the right treatment for them (and it sounds like he's trying), then he cannot beat himself up.
He's looking for support, but you cannot be his therapist. Help him find a therapist AND a support group. Having children with mental issues is one of the worst things in life a parent can endure.
Husband needs to re-evaluate
Husband needs to re-evaluate expectations...with a third neutral party to help him navigate them...find better resources other than you...You need to draw some clear healthy boundaries..for yourself, then, for him...Once you have solved that communication barrier...then you can define a new culture for your own home other than what is happening right now....peace
I'm in a similar situation
I'm in a similar situation and I can't offer any advice but I'm glad to find that there are others than can empathize with what I am going through. My stepdaughter is 15 and she has been living with my husband and I for the past 3 years. Her mother is mentally ill and a drug addict, in and out of jail. Currently she's in a halfway house. She doesn't have visitation but that could happen.
I can best describe my stepdaughter as a very very angry person. She hates me, her father, her mother, the world.
I'm her primary caregiver since my husband has to work so much. I work part-time. We also have a 3.5 year old daughter - so the last three years has been absolutely insane.
I have posted on another forum for parents with mentally ill kids and they made me feel like I was the one at fault for not being a mom to my stepdaughter. I know she feels abandoned and unloved. I don't love her. I honestly can't stand being around her anymore. Her dad is so frustrated with her. My husband's parents and siblings all live out of state and god only knows where her mom's relatives are so she has no extended family. I know she doesn't have people around her who love her unconditionally and are giving her the support a person in her situation needs.
I feel forced into being a caregiver for a severely mentally ill person without any training, or any real feelings for this person. I'm not sure how I even feel about my husband any more since everything about our relationship now focused on dealing with his daughter.
I'm contemplated leaving but if I did and years later my daughter asks why I left her father, what would I say? Her half-sister was ill and I couldn't deal with that? My husband is trying the best he can, but he's overwhelmed. My stepdaughter is on multiple medications, had three hospitalizations, sees a therapist and psychiatrist. All of that is so expensive. He's working so much to try to keep our heads above water and asking him to do more is almost impossible. I wish he could take her to appointments but he can't leave work. So I'm stuck doing it.
It is an overwhelming situation to be in and I don't see my stepdaughter getting better. She's going to end up like her mother and a constantly in trouble or unable to have a normal life.
I consider myself a good
I consider myself a good person. I want to help people. I don't want to be the kind of person who walks away from someone who is in need, but it'd so difficult day in and day out to deal with my stepdaughter. My husband works so hard to provide for his family. I wish his job would accommodate his ability to be able to take her to appointments or pick her up from school and everything else, but they don't.
If I left him and we divorced - then he would have to quit his job because there's no way he could be a single dad and raise his daughter. Maybe he could go on some sort of disability, but then there would be no child support.
If my stepdaughter's mental illness caused the divorce, my daughter would learn about it without a doubt and I wouldn't want that to be used against me to make me look like the bad guy and turn her against me. I know how parents play kids against the other in divorce situations. My stepdaughter's mom always says such negative things about her dad. Those things aren't true, but if I take her away from her dad because her half-sister is very very sick I will always sound like a terrible person.
I am in the same predicament.
I am in the same predicament. DH and I have been married for 2 years. He has a 20 y/o daughter with anxiety, bipolar, and depression. He chooses not to see that she has mental issues. He says she is spoiled despite the paperwork saying this girl should be in a mental institution. She is violent and has had several brushes with the law. She lives about 2 hours away from us with her grandmother (her mom's mom). She and I got into a cussing match back in April of this year. She texts me out of the blue saying she wants to fight. I try to reason with her at first and then the name calling starts. I have no self control when it comes to confrontation. I want to break his daughter's jaw. DH knows I will get physical so he doesn't even ask me to ride with him when he goes to visit anymore and I told him that when I see his daughter I know exactly what I will do. DH said nothing about her starting drama with me. He felt like I should have controlled myself because I am the older adult. She has attacked DH and said things to him that I would never dream of saying to my parents. He didn't communicate with her for several months and I found out yesterday they are communicating again. DH hid this from me and although I do not care at all about his daughter, I feel that he was being sneaky in not telling me that they had "made up. I really hate when they talk behind my back because she will manipulate him into spending money on her and doing all of these things for her and he hides it from me. I hate his child and I know he feels torn, but I also feel like he needs to man up and put his foot down with his mom and his daughter. We do not have any children together and I am strongly considering leaving him.
6 years later
Wow, it's been 6 years since I wrote this.
Im still married and love him dearly. His kids are 22 now. Daughter has moms mental illness. She "ran away" at 19, yrs she could've just moved out but immaturity made her do it this sneaky way, and now lives who knows where doing online porn. She smokes pot all day every day and has very little contact with her dad. Maybe a text to say hi every few months. She claims she's "writing him a letter" to explain how she feels but never has.
His son I spoke of before is still a problem. He hates me. I don't care for him much now either. He still has anxiety but is doing better with the OCD. We found a therapist and it helped. He's a senior in college and moving on to grad school after. BUT, he plans to go to our local community college to get a couple classes done cheaper first, so that means living here full time from this may until next August. Not ok with me.
He has no compassion or empathy. He does his thing and doesn't thing about how it affects anyone else. He's a slob, leaving dishes in the sink and crumbs and food on counters, floors, tables, then just says he didn't see it when called out. We make dinner and he fills his plate, then throws 1/4 to 1/2 away uneaten. We will go back for leftovers the next day and they're gone. He ate them overnight. His dad still has guilt for his mom abusing him and I think is also afraid if he pushes him to knock tennis stuff off that he will lose him like he did his daughter.
SS is smart, he gets along with his small group of friends, and to those that don't live with him seems like nothing is wrong. But his lack of caring and inability to pay attention or give a crap about anything in this house is driving me crazy.
I find myself mad at him all the time for take take taking but never giving back (by simply cleaning up after himself, doing any chores without being told to, offering to make food for us or bring something home when he goes...). It's expected we cook for him but he's 22 and has yet to ever include us in any leak he's made himself.
We don't speak to each other. I find myself angry at him a lot. He keeps odd hours and will be up with lights on making so much noise at midnight, 1, and 3 am. He knows I'm sleeping. "I didn't know i was loud" is his excuse every time. Then "I'll try harder next time.". Every. Single. Time. He may try for one night but then goes back to not caring. IDK if he's on the spectrum or if this is his moms narcissistic personality coming out in him
I need help to get past my anger and to be able to speak with him to try to make home life while he's here more tolerable. My husband refuses go "get in the middle" saying I don't speak to SS and get an annoyed look on my face when I see him. He also knows SS is rude and doesn't speak to me, but won't deal at all.
Constructive help would be appreciated. I know I'm also the problem but just don't want to be around SS at all anymore. Years of this behavior have me wanting him gone.
It is your home.
Make it clear to DH that no adult failed family progeny will live there.
End of problem.
Sounds like my SS
If there isn't an age difference I'd think you're describing my SS. Mine is turning 15 this year and a slob too. Leaving dishes and trails of trash, same old lame excuses (I didn't know I was loud, I didn't know the trash was there, I didn't see the trash being there...blah blah blah) At this point we have SS full time and I've been living with him for approx 5 years.
My SS is autistic. I get that this explains his behavior a lot but really at times they sound so much like excuses to me. Therapists told us how great SS has been (really, want to take him home?), and it often made me wonder what is the standard we are supposed to be abiding to. Obviously school thinks if he gets anything above D in grade he is doing awesome. SS is not stupid, but simply refuse (or doesn't know????) how to put in effort for his own f-king life.
I also don't enjoy talking to my SS. He drags sentences forever, everything needs a 1000-word essay before he gets to the point (ugh!). He's also very self centered. We all (in his mind) need to stop everything when he needs anything. I guess he thinks we were born to serve him. He rarely thought about how his actions affect others. Oh and the fun part, it's OKAY for him to break his promises, but no one else is allowed to do so lol. At age 15 his voice has not yet changed, the high pitch loud voice coming from him drives me crazy eveyrtime he's talking.
I wish I have some pratical advice. I really just try to avoid this person as much as possible. Therapy for SS has not been helping us. School has not been really helpful either. Husband has been telling SS that we aren't funding his life if he's not going to college after High school. I wish that will put an end of living with this person (because with his current grade, he's not going to college). I probably won't mind him coming back to visit a few times a year. living with him everyday is just so painful.
I'm really sorry you are stuck with a 22yo step kid who thinks only himself.
Wow, this is my ss at the
Wow, this is my ss at the same age. He's been the same since a teen...extremely self centered and expects us to do everything. He even told my DH once that im supposed to take care of him and do everything, because i'm the mom. i wish I could say the following talk helped, but it didn't much. He just switched to expecting dad to do everything instead of me
He doesn't understand roles and how to grow up and act like an adult at home. But he's super smart and has a 4.0 at a prestigious state college. Sounds like autism to me...?
Praying I can get thru the next year until he leaves for grad school. I think living on his own will be the best thing ever for him. That is, if I can keep my dh from sending him $ and paying for everything while he's gone....
Thanks for sharing your story. It really is comforting to know I'm not alone with this scenario.
People say having a diagnosis
People say having a diagnosis help the individual and family to work thing through. I'm not sure if I agree with that. Sometimes I think I'm just narrow minded that I can't let SS's stupid comments go (e.g. He once told me I should give him the condo i own because i "don't need it anymore." He was younger of course, and didn't know the value of things, but even as a kid I never thought of asking anyone to give me a house?? This is just one example to show how petty I am that I can't let this comment go lol)
I explained to SS that as he grows, pepole are not going to look at him and assume "oh he's autistic," but rather they are going to assume he knows what he should at his age. I don't think it gets through him though.
If your SS is organized enough to get 4.0 GPA and is able to get accepted into a graduate program, is he really not able to learn to be more independent? Your SS could be on the spectrum...or he could just be very spoiled....your DH might need to put in some effort to stop doing everything for his son. (But, we know better, sometimes it IS faster when we just pick up and do it ourselves.)
I hope your SS can move out of the house soon. Does he have any friends now? I wonder if he knows how to do house/room hunting....(yea sure executive dysfunction is a thing, but google and YouTube are also a thing. Just saying)
Thanks for reading my long rant!
The immaturity with some
The immaturity with some things is astounding. House/room hunting isn't something he will be able to figure out on his own. Books, school, structured things like that are what he excels at. Day to day is a struggle for the rest of us. He just doesn't care.
Appreciate all the comments!
Working on getting DH to stop coddling and help him work on his independence. Uphill battle tho since he already lost one child and is afraid to push this one too far. He doesn't understand the harm in what he's doing yet.
Exactly!!
This sounds almost like my situation. I have a SD that is self absorbed and believes the world should revolve around her. And when it doesn't, she sobs in her room to get her mother's attention. Then mom is stuck in the room 'processing' with SD for hours.
I know she has mental health issues and I try my best to give her a pass on some things. That is nature. But there there is nurture. SD can hold it together at work and around friends. She goes away to college and has a 4.0. But she is home now and we walk on eggshells. No one, not even the dog, wants to hear her sobbing.
She moved in with us unexpectedly 4 years ago. It was a difficult transistion for her. I was supportive and reminded myself she is upset. Things will get better. And when things get better, she can help around the house, participate in family things, etc. 4 years later it is a battle for BM to get her to sweep the steps once a week. That is her only chore and she is almost 21. There are some weeks she does not do her chore and there seems to be no consequence. I get from BM " I tried but I can't make her do something".
I too find myself angry with her a lot and we do not speak. I know this has a negative impact on my wife. I feel badly for my wife as she feels stuck in the middle.
I am open to any constructive advice. Right now I am just treading water, looking forward to the day she goes back to college.
wow
Wow, same. He's one month away from 23 and has one chore. Take out the trash on Monday eve and bring in the cans after they've been emptied Tuesday.
He can't even do that right.
Cans were taken out at 11:30pm (we live in a city on a cul de sac so the noise woke me andndef annoyed neighbors).
Cans were brought back in after midnight the next day. He doesn't learn.
He will throw a bag of dog poop on top of an already overflowing can and not tie the bag. Yesterday we had dog poop bags spilling onto the street because of this. He pays zero attention.
Refilling trash cans? He will put the bag in but not "fluff" it so when anyone throws something in, the bag collapses to the bottom.
Sounds minor but to constantly follow behind everything he does because he is lazy and half asses everything is annoying and shouldn't be happening.
DH is retired now and sees things more clearly after being home full time. Consequences don't work but since he's in school, kicking him out isn't an option.
I do love my husband but wish he would see his sons issues instead of turning a blind eye and getting frustrated he has to talk to him about something every single day to the point of giving up.
So, the man of your dreams tolerates his spawn abusing you?
"This has been going on for over a year now and he treats me (step mom) like crap."
What exactly is so dreamy about that?
I completely get that these kids are victims of a bat shit crazy BM. The problem is that they are choosing their own behaviors with apparently no consequece other than daddy trying to get them mental health help. What is happening to deliver abject misery inducing consequences to the abusive SS for the behavioral choices?
Not only does DH tolerate your SS (his Shit Stain of a kid) abusing you, he is mad at you that you do not compliment the shit stain while it abuses you? And he expects you to have some major love for and parental bond with SS?
Really?
You need to up your dream man standards.
smh