It's a two way road, or is it?
Let me start by saying DH is OCD, clinically speaking, not figuratively speaking. There is a place for everything and everything must be in it's place. I personally like having a tidy house and appreciate that result of his OCD.
However, DH holds BS12 and BS10 (who we have custody of) to a very high standard in our home. But SD7 (EOW) is not held to such a standard. In the past when this has become an issue, DH has always stated that it was because she was younger. Then the excuse became because that she is a girl. During our last argument, the excuse was "SD7 doesn't live with us." WTH? She does live with us. It may be every other weekend, 6 weeks in the summer and Holidays, but she does live with us. I have tried to explain to him that BS12 and BS10 resent SD7 because she is treated so differently (as do I), but it literally goes in one ear and out the other, sometimes I think it goes out his rolling eyes.
I do understand the difference between the love for a birth child and the love for a step child. I do know that it is easier to give in or be manipulated by a birth child. However, when the treatment of the birth child is so blatantly different than the treatment of the step child, it can be detrimental to the family and more importantly, to the marriage. This is DH's first experience with step parenting and I've tried to tell him how I did things in my first marriage (both right and wrong with two step children) but in his OCD brain, his way is the right way. And allowing BS12 and BS10 any room for error is not an option for him.
Any suggestions from those who have been here?
- notmyfirstrodeo's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
you know it's funny... I was
you know it's funny... I was a step kid. My mom re-married when I was 9 and I acquired a step brother who was the same age as me and a step sister who was 5 years younger. I was excited, I liked them both, we all played together and got along for the most part, until we combined the families after mom and step dad got married. Then the favortism by my step dad towards my step sister reared it's ugly head and it caused ALOT of stress and drama. My steps came every weekend and it was super special treatment time for them (especially my step sister) and I really grew to resent it, because I lived there all week and had chores, and pretty much got rode constantly by my step dad. It was rough going in my teenage years as I eventually grew to resent step sister and step dad. It took a while after I moved out (at 18) for my step dad and I to have a decent relationship because of all of this. My step sister it wasn't quite so bad, because once I got older I realized that it wasn't really her fault that my step dad was favoring her.
Anyway, I guess I babbled about all of this because your DH, probably without realizing it is cooking up what could be life time resentments and that really never turns out well. It's hard to convince someone who is always right that they may be wrong though. Funny thing is that is EXACLTY how my step dad was... borderline OCD.. just like your DH, everything in it's place, strict table manners, rigid timelines etc. Maybe there is some correlation??
I wish I could give
I wish I could give suggestions, we are going thru this right now. I have a son 10 who has chores daily and who DH is pretty strict making sure his room is cleaned daily etc etc. I'm strict too but on all kids and skids. So if they come for a weekend and don't have to make their beds daily or even pick up that frustrates me terribly bad. My bio son sees how things are different whey they are here and it's not fair. We are trying to work on this together after many many fights lately about skids and his treatment. He finally just agreed to counseling after a week long fight. So I'm hoping by counseling and talking with mediator I gonna be able to get out all of my feelings and his favortism to where he can understand what he is doing and thinks before doing so. It's a very hard thing to get thru to someone.
Oh, I absolutely know the OCD
Oh, I absolutely know the OCD has a lot to do with it and I am so thrilled you have shared your perspective - from the step child's point of view. Wasn't expecting that but truly appreciative. Let me ask you something. How did your Mother handle the situation and how did you feel about it?
Please "dont know" keep me
Please "dont know" keep me posted on how the counseling works. He has agreed to counseling, but he is adamant that the counselor will just side with him and it will be a waste of our money because his way is right and my way is wrong. I don't care who is right or wrong, I just want it to be fair!!!