Thoughts and ideas on what to do?
Hi all..I am in desperate need for some advice or thoughts from people that know first hand the struggle of being a stepmother. Short bio, I have been married to SD's dad for 6 years. I have 2 bio children from previous marriage, only one with me still, my daughter that is 21 and married now, and my 4 year old son that is with my husband now. He has a 12 year old daughter that he has raised himself, the bio mom is not in the picture at all.
I have taken on many different ways of trying to deal with SD. I know that her dad had some fault in how things have progressed with her behavior, as he does not discipline in the same manner that I have and do now with 4 year old. I am very old fashion in my ways of discipline and not on the band wagon of a 2 hour lecture over and over again, with the same results. My bio children knew if they messed up, they were going to have a hard time sitting for a bit, and it worked. Also consistency, which he lacks too.
SD lies about everything, even things that don't amount to anything. She is rude, disrespectful, and will go through my things and take what she pleases. I have had it up to my eyeballs. She has ruined the hardwood floors in her room by taking drinks and food in there and spilling it. I found a letter that she wrote about me and I just cannot shake the horrible feelings that I am having. I try to remember that she is 12 and was probably mad when she wrote it, but along with her behavior, I just cannot shake it.
She wrote that I ruined her life and that she thinks of all the different ways to kill me. Goes into many different scenarios. She says how she hates me and hopes that one day her plans will one day work and her dad will leave me. I have not showed this letter to H yet, and frankly I am thinking of keeping it to myself. My thoughts is why bother? Sad, but true.
I guess I am just venting, but I do usually let it roll of my back. I have taken a backseat with SD for a long time now, but H asked if I would help him , because he seen that his route was not working. I agreed, only if he was going to follow through. I guess that is why I am having a hard time, because usally I am saying to myself, leave it alone, not your child. And I feel horrible for even saying that but it is how I cope. Now he has brought me back into it and I am the hateful one? He laid down the rules and said that if they were broken there would be consequences. Sounds great right? No
One example, One rule he set was no food or drinks in rooms. She has broken this 3 times and his response was to clean his truck out for only one of the times that she broke this rule. The 4 year old has done it twice and both time corrected, difference? 4 year old was corrected by me. And believe me this rule is very mild in my book. I used it as an example, we have huge problems with SD.
I believe a lot of my problem is the guilt of not loving this child like my own. I have a hard time with that, even though the family therapist says its normal, giving the circumstances. I despise the disrespect. My 21 year old cannot stand to be around SD at all. The last time she was over she told SD that if she ever disrespected me in front of her, she would tear her behind up herself. I keep most of my jewelry and items that are extremely important to me at my moms, because SD will steal it or break it intentionally. I have to lock my bathroom door and keep the rest of my stuff in there.
Thanks for listening and any helpful hints, ideas or just coping advice would be so appreciated!! I think knowing that others have survived is so helpful in and of itself!!! Because I know what is coming, my D was a really good girl and we butted heads in her teenage years. Those are the absolute worse for girls, I don't know about boys yet, as I was not lucky enough to see my son in those years. So, I am feeling very nervous about the coming years and wondering if I can do them at all?
Oh he does not need to see
Oh he does not need to see this letter to understand why I take a backseat, he knows why I took that backseat. I will not do for a child that has no respect for me and is hateful. Not going to happen. The only time I get involved with anything to do with her is when it concerns our 4 year old. About 6 months ago she shoved him so hard that he hit his head on the opposite wall. I gave H the chance to correct her, he didn't. When he was done with his 2 hour lecture, I asked if that was the only consequence, the same old lecture. He said yes, so I got the belt and tore her butt up. I told him and her that when it came to the 4 year olds safety I was not going to take a backseat on anything. So far, she has not dared to put her hands on him and has been a little slower at the tongue on her rude and hateful comments toward me.
As far as therapy, I can see where showing him may be what it takes to get her some help? That is a very good point and I didn't even think in that direction, so thank you.
Show him the letter. That way
Show him the letter. That way if she succeeds in trying to physically harm you he can't deny that he had any knowledge of her intent to harm. If he raised a lil angel that talks about and disrespects the woman he loves he should be ashamed of himself. I mean utterly embarrassed and down right angry. I would think he should want to protect you from whatever and whoever wants to harm you. It is part of his job as DH.
H knows that she is no angel.
H knows that she is no angel. He just responses to it in a manner that is not working. He spends hours talking to her about her character and how her choices are going to hamper her in life. He will take things away from her, but she does not care about that either. My own children thought it the end of the world when I took things from them that they liked. She is different, she could care less. I feel like he just hopes for the best and hopes that one day his talks will register with her. He is not a bad man in anyway, honestly I think it would help if he was not so softhearted. My daughter and son, when he was with us, love him to death. My daughter calls him dad. He is just now realizing that he has to change his game plan, that is why he asked for my help and advice. I firmly believe that if he took my approach, he would see results and still make it to the table to eat while his food was still hot.
Okay a lot going on. First
Okay a lot going on.
First don't feel guilty about not loving her as your own. She isn't your own and really the behaviour you describe won't endear her to anyone.
Now the more serious issue: this note. Yes it could be teen angst but what if she decides to act on it? Or to hurt the four year old child to do so? That is more serious in my book - you just protect yourself and your child first.
There seems to be a lack of respect both bodily and for your stuff with sd.
I see two options for you here. Both involve showing the letter to husband
First option : show letter to husband and insist on therapy. Further to this if you know or have a friend who knows a policeman, bring them in to give the kid a bit of a scare - a friend of mine did this when something of hers disappeared and it magically reappeared and nothing has disappeared since- this is a big deal as there was a lot of stealing going on
Second option: show letter to husband and then hand him notice of separation. Take your kid to your mom house and stay there til he sorta his daughter out. No improvement in six months? Obv doesn't care enough and should divorce
Above all
Show him the note
Get her some help
PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR FOUR YEAR OLD
I wish you luck !
Oh man, y'all have me a
Oh man, y'all have me a little worried? I didn't even consider her really killing me, I guess I am a little naive? I just took it as her being mad at me and writing a bunch of stuff out of anger? The letter is a 5 page letter, and most of it is what I consider a "poor me" letter.
I agree, she needs help.
I agree, she needs help.
I agree as well. She has a
I agree as well. She has a lot of anger, unfortunately, directed at you. At the least, she needs help to cope with these emotions.
It very troubling that she listed ways of killing you. That's not normal and you have your child's safety to consider.
In my experience anything
In my experience anything like that needs b taken seriously.
As I said could be teenage angst, could be more sinister - I ain't leaving my kid in the mix while we find out
Send her to therapy and ensure your safety
Good luck
Wow. Your DH NEEDS to see
Wow. Your DH NEEDS to see this letter and you need to make copies in case you need it legally later.
THERE IS NOTHING NORMAL ABOUT THIS. I hated my SM (because she is truly a heinous bitch), but I never wished her dead, much less plan it in detail.
No offense, but you're a fool to take the backseat. I'm married with a SS almost 10 with an almost two year old with my husband. My SS has tried playing too rough and I put the fear of God into his ass.
Your SD is a threat to you and your son. Do not sit on this.
I agree that DH needs to see
I agree that DH needs to see the letter.
As for my 4 year old, I have put the fear of God in her. That is the only time I will engage. The one and only time I spanked her with a belt, and will not hesitate to do it again was over her pushing the 4 year old. I do not tolerate any misbehavior towards the 4 year old at all. Other than that I do take a backseat and will continue to do so on all other things. You may think that I am a fool for disengaging, but understand that in no way does that mean that I will not stand up for my children. I am a momma bear when it comes to them, period.
But I do agree that I have taken the letter lightly. I am a little embarrassed to have done so, but I just thought that she was venting. I have never dealt with this kind of child. My children and other children in my family are very respectful, to the point that many comment on it. Even at 12 if a girl plops down with her legs sprawled open, you were sure to be reprimanded for it. And I try on a lot of things to remember that some parents are a lot more laid back than me. I am old school, if my children ever addressed an adult by first name, they were tagged for it. It is yes sir, no sir. So, the backseat is a must for me, SD goes her way and I go mine. And out of everyone, she is the least disrespectful to me. When H asked why she told him that she is worried that I will spank her. With that being said she is still disrespectful, but not like she is with others. Heck, her own Biograndmother will not let her stay the night because of her behavioral issues.
But under no circumstance will I allow my 4 year old be bullied in his own home.
I don't think you have taken
I don't think you have taken the letter as lightly as you now feel you have. You came here to talk about it and you state in ur piece - I can't shake the horrible feeling of it - perhaps you knew what it meant deep down and hoped you were wrong.
Keep making sure you and the four year old is safe. That is most n.b.to do
I still say show ur husband and take the four year old to safety till daddy steps up to sort it out
I am sorry you have to deal with this - it is shameful what passes for parenting these days
Stay safe and take care
The apple doesn't fall far
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
If BM abandoned her child, there is something very wrong with her.This kid may have inherited these problems.
You can't parent the crazy out of someone (trust me, I know).
Take the letter, make copies and get this girl some help. But first, protect yourself and your child.
Stop feeling guilty, people with emotional issues are very difficult to love, bio or not.
I respect your position on
I respect your position on spanking, everyone has different routes they take. I was spanked as a child, I even had to go cut my own switch many times. I do not feel like I was beaten and honestly, I feel that my parents were my first gift from God, to allow me the honor of calling them mom and dad. They are the best parents ever!
When I was told to do something as a child, I did it. When I addressed an adult, whether I liked them or not, I addressed them with respect. That all set the path for me, so that when I became a teenager, I respected people, I cared about how I looked and how others saw me, I acted like a lady and not a hooligan. Why? Because I knew that there would be consequences otherwise. Whether they took away my privileges or spanked me, I wanted neither.
We are a family of 4 children, and the only one that is horrible to the point that her own grandmother will not keep her, is the one not being spanked? The others would never do a quarter of what this child does, why? Because I would spank them. Did they ever plot out how to kill me? No The 4 year old says thank you, yes sir and no sir. My daughter that is now 21 wrote me a note last mother's day that says it all. I was hard on her. I set what was expected of her as a young lady and even if it meant butting heads, well we would butt heads. I did not back down and I stayed on her, I was not her best friend, I was her mother. She thanked me for all those years and told me that now that she is a mother she understands and hopes to be as good of a mother as I was to her. Now we can be best friends and are, my job as her mother can now shift to that role. My mother is now my best friend, I can talk to her about anything, but as a teenager, she was my worst nightmare. And I too thank her for making me who I am.
As for your example, I didn't make her think those thoughts, and you just don't one day write out that. That is something that she has been thinking for a while now, it has nothing to do about spanking her. It has to do with her not being able to do as she pleases, whenever she pleases. Because her dad is a typical male, he doesn't see a lot things and I do. I have very high standards in this house and refuse to have a family member that looks and acts like trash, period. I have raised a daughter, I know what is to come. He has already made that harder than if he set the rules young and gave the consequences of not following those rules consistently. Whether spanking or not.
So, with that being said we have a child that careless, we have a child that is selfish and will do whatever she wants regardless of the rules. She is mean to her very core, has no friends because she can only be nice for a little bit. Gets in trouble at school because she back talks the teachers. That lies constantly, steals and hides things, and takes clothes to school that are inappropriate for a young lady to wear to change into, uses markers to paint under her eyes for eyeliner, changes tampons in her room and leaves them on the floor, sits with her legs sprawled open anytime I am around to prove a point to me, a child that will not take a shower or brush her teeth, however when she does she makes sure to pour all of my soap and shampoo down the drain. And I do not use cheap shampoo. I even demanded that will build on the the half bath, because I got tried of packing my shower stuff back and forth. Now I have my own and that room stays locked, in my own home? I keep things in there that do not even belong in a bathroom, just so it can stay safe. I can go on and on for days.....so yeah I believe she needs help for her twisted mind, but I also believe that she needs to fear the consequences of her choices, because for nothing to be done you have the same result, you have a hooligan. And no she has not touched the 4 year old since, because she does not want to get her butt tore up, because she knows that what I say I mean it and will follow through, period.
All of my family has said for years that if he would back away and leave her to me for a couple of weeks, you would see a different child. I have always agreed, but when she was young, not now, he is going to have to step up and do his job as her father. If not, he has failed his role as her parent. He has got to get his head out of the sand and look around him. Many women would have left him a long time ago, not because he isn't loving and a good honorable man, but because they cannot handle his daughter. His wife before me was a good person, she and I have talked and she left because she could not stand his daughter. I have told her that she is definitely smarter than me, and she will tell me, no you are more bull headed.
Sorry that this is long, I kinda went on a rant. I did not like that someone would blame me for her evil thoughts, regardless of the different of opinions in discipline.
I have made up my mind when I
I have made up my mind when I spent 100.00 on a bedroom set for bedding. If there's a stain I'm taking it away and replacing it with some old wore out one. If the kid done that to my floors I'd remove any of her belongings and take the room away. If she can't listen then she needs to be monitored until she learns some respect of other people's belongings and yes those floors belong to you and dh. If you have to, get mean.