I feel like I was thrown under the bus? Opinions please....
Short version, SD13 lost her door and cannot get it back until she keeps her room spotless for 30 days. That was 30 days ago and absolutely nothing has changed. She is just so defiant that she could care less. I have to lock my bathroom to keep my jewelry, makeup and other things that I do not want stole safe from her fat fingers. She is not allowed in our room unless we are in there period. She has been breaking these rules left and right, she really has no respect for anyone.
Anyway, I tell DH that we are going to have to set the rules and change something so that she is forced to do as she is told. He tells me to write the rules out, so I did. While he was going over these rules, he would always say my name says this and that. When he got to the rule about our room, he tells her that he doesn't want her to feel like she is singled out, but it is normal for a teenager to not be allowed in their parents room, and that our 5 year old is to young to have this rule, I interrupted and said that she is not allowed in our room because she cannot be trusted. No one said anything, just went on with the rules. He then did it again when I said that the dishes they use needs to be rinsed and the chair put back under the table, he tells her that just try to remember it is such a hard thing to remember? What? I told him he has to be joking, he said no that she isn't use to doing it, I said that she isn't use to doing anything because she is lazy.
Then we get to her room, now he was on board with this and agreed to it before hand. He told her that it was a big task for her to do, keeping her room clean, and that she had no choice but to do it, and when she did she would accomplish something huge and that he would take her to the movies or something to celebrate that accomplishment. I was floored, I felt like he just threw me under the bus and made it like I wasn't being fair. I could not believe it, am I wrong? I am talking with him this evening, because enough is enough. He can do all the work and let me sit back an relax, I am just so mad at him for this. Did he forget all that she has done? Just wanted advice and to see if I am really losing it or if anyone else sees this as I do? One of SD13's biggest problems is her not taking fault for anything, and now I wonder why? Her dad is giving her an out. I am very close to putting the door back on her room and letting them have it, I just don't know?
I got that feeling too.
I got that feeling too.
Look, I wish I were "neat" but I am not. I can clean up but, especially when me and my husband are around, the clutter can take over.
Pick your battles. Unless it is a health issue, or an issue where she is complaining of not having clean clothes and such... let the room go. Or make it some small step like she must make her bed daily. You can always CLOSE her door and not look at it. Her DAD can go through and do a hygiene check once a week.
As far as access to a room. I would say that no children are allowed in the parent room unless a parent is present and has given permission. easy. I would suggest keeping your valuables locked up though. If she is seriously stealing, what good is a rule? She is already a criminal right?
I would try to back up your list of rules and try to parse out a few that are really important.. getting in a knot about whether the chair is neatly put back under that table??? maybe that can wait.
I would love to be able to
I would love to be able to take away electronics but she has nothing like that. She breaks it all. We just bought her a tablet and a month later it is broke. She literally doesn't care about anything. She even broke our 5 year olds leap pad that he had, he had it for a few months. I suggested that she have to do chores or something to make the money to buy another,but that went nowhere. And a clean room is the least she can do, she does absolutely nothing else at this house, but mess up and destroy things. As for her dad helping, that is not going to happen. I wash the dishes, all I ask is you rinse your plate and set it there, my 5 year old does it by himself and without being told to do so.
And I do lock up my things, but that still doesn't stop her from going through my things, I cannot lock up everything.
And I do need to pick my battles, I believe I need to wave my white flag and let DH pick up the sword.
well... looks like DH is
well... looks like DH is being a lazy irresponsible parent. Sorry but he doesn't have your back and he obviously doesn't have a serious problem with how lazy, defiant and disrespectful his child is to you, the rules and the house. he doesn't want to be the bad guy so he makes you the bad guy. pretty sh*tty if you ask me. Looks like you do have to disengage and find a way to deal with the chaos and disregard for your home and things. If DH wants to reward bad behavior or bribe his loser kid to get things done than let him. He's going to be the reason she turns out to be a worthless adult, not you. You tried.
^^^^^Yasssss^^^^^^ You said
^^^^^Yasssss^^^^^^
You said it very well and to the point!
SD is a teen and rebel
SD is a teen and rebel against any authority.... you are not going to win this HOn, I've been there.
Your problem is your DH, how do you think does it looks like, DH reading rules and keeps on pointing out he has nothing to do with it, it's all YOU.. Seriously SD is not going to listen to you cause it's clear her father thinks it's bullshit and he's only doing it to make you happy...
Now give her the door back, and then simply just close her bedroom door, if she wants to live like that so be it, you do not enter that room and you do not sleep there.
Lock your bedroom door, she's not allowed into the adult bedroom, if you see DH letting her in, wait till you are alone and tell him... no more sex, cause I will not have sex in a childrens playroom. I have this problem of Aergia using the master bedroom as her own, cause her room is just to gross, thus if it happens that I over night and her shit is in the Master bathroom, I simply take it and flung it into her room, I could care less if the shampoo is open or closed, I care less if it messes up her bed or not. She knows the rule and SO allows her to break it... (I moved out of the house 3 years ago)
Disengage, you do nothing for SD, you do not even give her the time of day, if her dishes are all over the house, get onto DH's ass and let him clean it, after 6 months of being his daughters little bitch he will get tired and start telling her to do it. You do not tell her anything, her stuff all over the house, simply trash it... say nothing.
SD breaking BS's things, get the money from DH to replace it... never shout and never complain, take matters into your own hands and let DH suffer.... if SD ask you anything, fake smile and say ASK your Dad...
Walk away and walk away.. SD is not your child, she never will be, and you are not responsible for the adult she will become. Make sure your finances is not supporting her.. DH can suffer on his own.
My parents threaten taking my
My parents threaten taking my door away when my room was messy - I cleaned hat room spotless and kept it that way, I did not want to loose my door... and I did not want my brothers friends seeing my room..
I guess it will work if a child has any self respect..
I think it depends on what is
I think it depends on what is defined as "messy."
I could care less if SD12's room is a mess - HOWEVER she leaves food to rot. Literally. Under the bed, on the bed, in her dresser drawers, in her closet. That is unacceptable and where we live can easily draw vermin.
If it was me, I'd remove her door.
However, as it's been noted, I'm not mom or dad and I don't.
And since I've tried everything with SD12 and DH, I simply never enter her room (only if necessary like for illness). DH has asked me things in reference to her room and I just say, "I have no idea, I don't go in there."