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Husband making vacation plans without me

Nala's picture

My husband and I are newly married. We are currently living in separate homes, an hour drive apart, as my youngest is a junior in HS. The plan is that I will move when youngest graduates 2017. In the meantime, we are together every other wkend when he is w/o his much younger children, and then we make time whenever we can in between. It's not conventional, nor is it ideal, but we both agree that we have something to look forward to.

Recently, my husband started making summer vacation plans so that he can turn the requested time in to his ex-wife. He initially consulted me about what I thought about certain dates for a cruise, but when I expressed that I didn't think the dates would work for my kids, he went ahead and made the reservations for him and his, saying we can book another room if they're able to join us. I'm incredibly hurt by this, not to mention that we havent even gone on a honeymoon, just the two of us, yet. He gets three weeks of vacantion time/year. Two weeks are already tentatively planned for summer outings with his kids and the third week, I imagine, he will want to save up for his half of the winter break next Christmas. His kids are much younger than mine, so still very much need parenting. Mine are about to launch. Am I being unreasonable for being hurt? I feel like I'm secondary to his kids. Maybe this is normal? Maybe I would be the same way if my kids were still younger?

Disillusioned's picture

I'm wondering if maybe he was hurt that you said you weren't sure the dates would work for your kids, so he booked with his kids in response....not nice, but maybe he was hurt and this is how he reacted....

Nala's picture

You're right Echo. Even though we are married, we are living like two families. Btw, we see each other about 10+ days/mo and talk daily on the phone for a good hour or more.

The main reason why we are not living together is because my youngest will graduate next year. I (we?) didnt want to shake up his world anymore than it already had been by his father who ran far away with his affair partner, not much older than my kids. We figured the blessings would come later for the choices we make today.

Also, I posted this issue before we got married, but I will not be alone with the skids. One has been sexually inappropriate around me and the other is highly combative and disrespectful of his father. I simply will not be put into that environment until there has been counseling (something BM is dragging her feet on about agreeing to any particular cslr).

Maybe I don't have a right to be upset since I'm the one who is causing this delay towards blending the families???

HappilySelfish679's picture

You are already making excuses for him so not sure if you even want to hear others opinion .
Personally , if you prefer to live one hour apart from your new husband , because you do not want to upset your almost adult son , MY ship would sail without you as well .

Nala's picture

Not making excuses. Just laying out the background of the agreement we made going into this marriage. I would not have posted if I didn't wish to hear opinions about what I am feeling and if I am on target or not.

neskajy's picture

If your kids are this much older, why can't you leave them alone or send them to their father and go on a trip with your husband and his children?

If your kids are about to get out of the house, they should be responsible and independent enough to survive a week or so without you

Nala's picture

My kids can (and have) stayed home. Trip prior to this one was to Disney with the younger two. Mine were abandoned by their father. How can I just continually make my life with this new family and not include them?

HappilySelfish679's picture

Umm - there's a vacation with a new husband and then there is " abandoned by father " .
Surely they are old enough to understand the difference ?

Nala's picture

His whole life? Scheduling around me and my kids? Not sure where that's coming from. We've taken one vacation so far. To Disney. With his kids. Mine weren't a part of it. It appears that mine are being overlooked again. I'm hurt. Yes, I'd much rather live WITH my husband. I wish my kids' dad didn't abandon them, leaving one suicidal and me having to be the standing parent. Geeeeze.

Nala's picture

Sueu2, I really have no idea where your hostility comes from. Vacation or day to day life.... I assure you that my husband is a grown man, capable of saying what's on his mind, as well as caring for himself and his boys. Right now, I have the responsibility of keeping my son standing as best as I can; if this means that my husband's and my life is inconvenienced some, then so be it. We are both professionals with responsibilities, who consciously made the decision to delay our complete merger for a finite period of time. This wasnt only about my kids' wellbeing, but it gives his kids time to get used to the idea and work on their issues as well My husband and I chose to get married, our kids did not. This particular thread is about blending families. I posted here, as scheduling vacations with only half of the "kids" does not feel like blending to me. Seriously, there are LOTS of weeks in a summer. We could have discussed a different week, but it wasn't brought up. Not sure how this makes me "dictating", as you write.

neskajy's picture

I understand that you may want to include your kids, but if the schedule doesn't allow it then go without them. Next time plan something just with you and your children and use the same approach: if he and his children can join you all, then be it. If not - then go and spend some time with your children alone.

Nala's picture

This feels peaceful to me, neskajy. And probably something that my kids would appreciate. Thank you.

LikeMinded's picture

My opinion is going to be very different than the others.

I *envy* you.

1. You've got the guy, but you don't have to live with the SKIDS (awesome!).
2. You don't have to go on vacation with the SKIDS (I HATE vacation with the SKIDs, it's NOT A VACATION)
3. You can take care of your own kids as YOU see fit.

Who cares about this other stuff? You chose not to live with him, so that awards him some freedom.

I think you have a great situation. Take this added time to evaluate whether he'll be a good partner or not and weather you can live with these SKIDS or whether it will be more than you can handle.

LikeMinded's picture

^^^^^^This is a really good solution to many step parenting problems. Wish I could go back in time and do this.

hereiam's picture

This particular thread is about blending families. I posted here, as scheduling vacations with only half of the "kids" does not feel like blending to me.

But, you are not a blended family. :?

Nala's picture

DH has joint custody of young boys. It would be too disruptive to add a couple hours to their school days with the commute when he has them. My family of origin lives where DH lives. It's where I desire to be when my youngest graduates.

And you're probably right. Being trapped in a small cabin on a cruise ship might be too much to have to deal with.

Rags's picture

If he was planning a surprise trip for justt he two of you then there would be no reason for you to be hurt. Since he is making family vacations plans without his wife.... then absolutly you are right to be hurt and should shut this crap down pronto.

IMHO of course.

Willow2010's picture

Please don’t let anyone tell you that you are not really married or that you are not a blended family. Just because your relationship is different AND will probably work better than most, brings out the inner crap in some people. A lot of people are probably very envious of you so they take it out by saying things like you are not really married/blended ect. At least you are not living with the terrible skids like most on here. You just have to be upset about a vacation...not all the other crap that comes along with actually LIVING with skids. You may want to keep this marriage as it is for several more years.

That being said...I did this with my DH.

But we did not marry. We "dated" for 7-8 years before I would marry/live with him. It worked great for us. I did not have to live with skid, DH did not try to raise my kids, I did not have to deal with BM too much. AND DH and I loved each other very much.

I would not be too upset with him making vacation plans without you. It sounds like he asked, you could not go, so he still wants to take his kids. No biggie in my book.

WTF...REALLY's picture

^^^^listen to Willow. Her and her husband did it in a different way and I read over and over again how well it worked for them. There's so many different ways to be a family, a husband and a wife. There is no cookie-cutter version. Do what works for you and forget the rest.

As to the vacation, it does sound like he asked you and since it wouldn't work he went ahead and made plans with his kids. Sounds like he loves his kids and that's a good thing. Just be open and have an honest conversation with your husband.

Nala's picture

Thank you, Willow. Your post feels more like truth to me. My kids have been through too much to just uproot them at this time in their lives. They are so close to launching, It would have been selfish to only think of my husband and myself and what we want. Yes, we could have waited to get married, but we WANT to spend time together. I want my husband to spend the wkend with me and my kids and visaversa. Neither of us wanted to have sleepovers, but rather model a committed relationship to our kids. My kids need to know he's not going anywhere.

Were your skids out of the house when you agreed to marry/live with your spouse? I imagine 7-8 years felt like forever at times.

Willow2010's picture

It would have been selfish to only think of my husband and myself and what we want.
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That is awesome!
And DH and I did not have sleep overs either. When SS was 15ish, he and BM moved a few hours away so then I figured it was ok (safe) to get married and live with DH. Well about 4 months after we married, BM brought SS back and dropped him on our doorstep. lol UGH. It was not great but it was certainly easier than when SS was small. We would have divorced if we married sooner. I am sure of this.

We had our issues but nothing like what you will read on here. And the key will be your DH and yourself. My SS never disrespected me. He knows DH would shake his world. But I also NEVER gave SS a reason to disrespect me. I was just like an Aunt. I did not correct or discipline SS. I did not try to FIX ss. That is where SMs get into trouble. That just causes grief!

SMto2's picture

"He initially consulted me about what I thought about certain dates for a cruise, but when I expressed that I didn't think the dates would work for my kids, he went ahead and made the reservations for him and his, saying we can book another room if they're able to join us."

IMO, whether you should be "hurt" by this depends on whether you conveyed to him in this conversation that it was ok that he book without you when you said the dates wouldn't work. If you told him the dates did not work but he should go ahead and book it anyway, that's one thing. However, if you said the dates didn't work and suggested other dates (indicating you did want your kids and you to come) and he went ahead and booked it anyway, that would make me very angry and make me think he didn't care about vacationing with me, and certainly not with my kids. The fact that he told you after the fact that you could book another room if your kids were able to come sounds to me like it didn't matter to him whether you went or not.

I know you have different living arrangements, but, I can't imagine in a million years my DH going on vacation with the SKs (or even our bios together) without ME unless I ORDERED him to go ahead because I wasn't available and there wasn't going to be another opportunity to make it work. I'm not even sure he would go then. If you have the kind of relationship where you're fine with him going on vacation without you, that's one thing, but it sounds like you don't think that's ok. It also may be you have very different opinions about what's acceptable in your relationship, which means you all need to have a serious talk.

z3girl's picture

Talk to your husband. Tell him you're hurt and why. Tell him how you wish it had happened, and ask him how he sees vacation time for both of you.

I'm not trying to judge, but I don't see why you didn't just wait to get married until your youngest graduates. If you weren't married (and everything else is the same) you might not be as hurt by him making vacation plans with his kids. I think it's the mentality of being married but living apart that makes this harder.

I may be wrong, but from what you've written, it doesn't sound like you would want to live with him because of the skids anyway. That doesn't bode well. It rarely gets better.

Nala's picture

He does with my 17 year-old. The oldest is off to college, for whom he doesn't provide anything for.

Nala's picture

Abandoned in every sense of the word except for what he has been court ordered to provide financially. There has been no relationship or communication in three years between them.

Emotional abandonment has far greater psychological consequences IMO. I don't use the word abandoned lightly.

Disneyfan's picture

Why in the world would other single parents give a rat's ass about the term she uses???

This isn't a competition to see which kids were stuck with the worse dad. I bet the OP's kid would have preferred time with their father over money.

Willow2010's picture

why didn't your kids contact their dad in three years?
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OMG! This statement drives me crazy!! My kids were 8 and 13 when their BF stopped coming to pick them up. What were they supposed to do? Try to find him? Did not know where he was living at the time so that was out. Lets see….what else were the children supposed to do? Drive around to find him? Nope too young. Send letters to beg him to be a father?

Lets see…I guess that left it up to me to try and hunt him down and MAKE him see his kids. Fuck that. Besides the fact that I worked my ass off to support them and give them a great life, I would not have wasted my time to force the man to be a dad.

So since her kids dad stopped seeing them, it is their fault? How can you put that responsibility on the kids and not the FATHER?!

misSTEP's picture

I have to agree with you there. My DS's BF last saw him when my DS was only 6 months old. He fled the state to hide from CSE. He never sent a letter or a bday/Xmas card. He never paid CS until they caught up with him and forced him to do so.

I never once thought that it was my SON's job to try to find his BF. He made it very obvious with his actions that he didn't want to be a part of DS's life.

Nala's picture

This ^^^^^^^^^^^

Not the kids responsibility to try to find their father. He ran away. He knows how to contact them. What a crazy rabbit trail this has taken.

twoviewpoints's picture

Does your husband have a set CO vacation allowance plan with an advanced request procedure he has to follow? Example, lots of COs will give two-three weeks and advance notice of when time desired is due 90-120 prior. My DS puts in summer vacation wants with GS's BM starting in early January. Then BM starts lining up assorted activities for GS around DS's request.

They usually negotiate back and forth fitting in camps, both parents vacation blah blah. It's usually first of February before finalized schedule is settled.

Nala's picture

I really don't know why the rabbit trail, but providing $ to support your kids is no big deal. It's the rest of the stuff that's hard and requires a parent to step up. My kids were abandoned. My oldest might be an "adult", but he is far from being able to live on his own. He has developed crippling anxiety and depression since his father's departure. If $ is your requirement for declaring abandonment, then x has in fact abandoned. He has not contributed anything towards the hospital bills that my 19 year old has incurred for psych hospitalizations, because they just so happened to occur after the "magic" age of 18, to say nothing about just general cost of living things. If x didn't have DSS collecting child support for my youngest, he wouldn't provide that either. It's as if we never existed. I guess he's too busy raising his gf who is 25 years younger than him to care.

Disneyfan's picture

Yup, OP you sound entitled. How dare you be upset/angry about your ex abandoning your kids. You should just shut up be happy that the powers that be were able to track him down and force him to pay CS.

Nala's picture

Makes sense, squidlet. And yes, I am mostly hurt that he didn't make sure that at least I could make the trip even if my two couldn't. There's 10 years between sets of kids and the younger ones get on the older ones nerves. They might not even consider it a vacation, but torture. :O

Since writing this, DH and I have talked. He's still able to consider other dates and has said that nothing is firm. He's asked if older two are interested in going, or if there is something else they'd rather do. DH and I are getting away for a few days. I'm certain that we will have things figured out soon.

I appreciate the chance to vent. I think it's safe to say I can put this away.

SecondGeneration's picture

I personally do not understand why you would get married when you are not living together. I get being together, I get being in a committed relationship and I can kinda see being engaged but actually married? Personally I think this day and age people should live together BEFORE they marry.

(Im not sure if thats a cultural thing because it still seems quite common in america to marry before moving in together)

But whatever, your relationship, your choice.

I do agree with others who are saying you dont really count as "blended" since you are maintaining two households, two families and ultimately; two lifestyles.
Its great that you and hubby have since talked about this all again and I think its a good wake up call to you both as to how important vacation time is to you both. If your hubby only has 3 weeks holiday in a year then there needs to be clear communication about how this time is spent.
It is perfectly ok for you to take holidays with YOUR kids and him to take holiday with HIS kids and you two alone together. Or have holidays with all of you, or whatever crazy combinations you come up with but you need to get the talking about it done with so you are both on the same page. (Which will help stop you feeling annoyed/slighted when your hubby makes plans)

ExArmydad's picture

I read the OP and only a handful of responses so I'm not sure if this has already been said but...if I were you.

I wouldn't sell my house even after your kids launch, I'd keep it and rent it out so you can try to blend at his house. I think that was part of your plan to move in after yours move on? Anyway, I'd hold on to that house until I was 110% the blended thing works. Being that you're not living there now and getting the day in and out of the kids, you never really know how its going to turn out. I wish we waited and did what you're doing before we moved in together because if we did, I don't think I'd be married now. My SD is a handful to say the least.

I can kinda see how you were upset about him going forward with his vacation plans but honestly, I'd be so happy if my DW and SD went on a trip without me. So you should plan your own trip with your kids. Just don't sweat the small stuff, it seems like you have bigger issues on your plate and the separate vacations isn't one of them.

Jlb2015's picture

I know how you feel, I got married last July and my husband took his adult children th Rome at the end of June while my daughter was in her last trimester of pregnancy, of course I couldn't go and you know, I'm still pissed about it. I've never even been to Rome, went to Belize for honeymoon and that place sucked, his kids got my honeymoon