Let's talk about favouritism...
So glad I found this site. Don't you sometimes feel like you need to vent to strangers who've been there/done that, than to friends and families?
I am after opinions and/or advice on how to deal with DH's treatment of his kids against mine.
I have 4 children (3 boys and a girl). The boys are all adult age and the eldest lives with his Dad. The younger three live week about with us. One week with Dad, one week with us. 50% care
DH has 2 children. An adult daughter and teenage son. The only time they spend with us is forced Christmas or if we go to one of their events. 0% care.
Ok, here goes....favouritism
The two families have very different lifestyles. I was on my own with 4 kids for 10 years. My kids learnt not to ask for anything, because they knew I couldn't afford it. But we were happy. His kids received everything they ask for.
When we married, we agreed that household bills/mortgage were to be shared. We also agreed that when the kids turned 18, that they were on their own regarding paying for 'luxury' items. However....
He pays $20k/year child support. Since his daughter turned 18 (a few weeks ago), it's dropped to $17k/yr
He pays for his kids to have private health insurance.
Mine don't have private health. My son is diabetic. :?
He pays for his kids' mobile phone bills monthly. His daughter's contract is higher priced because "she uses more data". (Well, tell her not to use so much or she can pay for the extra!)
Mine pay for their own. :?
I'd love to take my kids out for a special meal when it's their birthday but "We can't afford it". Is that because there's 4 kids, as opposed to his 2?
He takes his kids out for tea once a fortnight because "it's the only time I get to see them".
His daughter has now turned 18 but he has no intention of discontinuing paying what I consider to be 'luxuries', despite our agreement. Funny how the agreement was put into place when my kids turned 18, but as soon as Princess does, all seems to be forgotten.
The only time he's said 'no' to his daughter was when she asked us to buy her a car. She was only on her learners! Given that he'd already given BM his car because hers broke down (Yes, that's right, he just GAVE it to her, leaving us to share one car, without discussing it with me), I was not prepared to buy the Princess a car when I didn't have one myself! The arguments that followed were unfortunately heard by our neighbours. :jawdrop: He still tried to convince me, he even looked up personal loans etc. And when we told her that if we were to buy her a car, then we'd have to buy them all a car, she went off. She couldn't understand why her Daddy would have to buy my kids cars too. Even at her age, and after all these years, she still doesn't get that we're together. His bills are my bills. My assets are his assets, and vice versa. The only time we hear from her is when she's asking for money. She treats Daddy like a walking atm.
I'm pretty sure you're all going to advise me to sit down with him and talk to him. Tried. Failed. Tried again. Failed again. When I've asked about my kids having private cover, he says their Dad can pay for it. We can't afford it. Thing is, I have my kids 50%, he has his 0%. BM should be paying for that shit. She's the one that wanted 100%. So why does he think he's responsible? Guilt.
You see, my DH has a mental illness. He can't cope emotionally. He loses it when confronted. So I have learnt not to confront him. Treading on eggshells...I suggested counselling. He sees that as failing. Tried to get him to a Psychologist. As the saying goes "you can lead a horse to water...."
I think you're getting the picture...
I love him with all my heart, but I'm drowning. I find this so unfair. How can I get him to see the disparity?
Thanks for your reply. You're
Thanks for your reply.
You're right, I think it's convenient too! I'm still trying to find ways of approaching him at the right time.
And yes, I do keep my finances separate.
Thanks for your reply. I
Thanks for your reply.
I think you might be on to something - "skilled manipulator".
I realise I've most likely made a rod for my own back, because I let so much slip in the beginning for fear of losing the man I love. It's only been more recently that I've started to stand up for myself and say what I think. I've also become a lot more aware of him 'losing it when confronted' as a ploy to avoid it.
He does have a legit mental illness, but I think he uses this to enable his behaviour. You can't change someone else's behaviour, but you can change your own. I've told him he needs to grow a pair where the BM and kids are concerned, but I think I need to grow a pair too.
Yes, I work, and have deliberately left finances separate. I don't earn much but manage to put some aside.
Thanks for your advice
Ah ha ha ha ha
Ah ha ha ha ha
LOL. There is no 'mental
LOL. There is no 'mental illness.' He is just good at manipulating you.
"I have 4 children (3 boys
"I have 4 children (3 boys and a girl). The boys are all adult age and the eldest lives with his Dad. The younger three live week about with us. One week with Dad, one week with us. 50% care"
Just to be sure I'm not reading this incorrectly, you're saying you and your ex-husband have four children. Three adult age males and one minor female. The minor female you share 50/50 with your ex-husband.
Your current husband, who you have no joint children with, was paying his CS obligation of $1,666 a month. His oldest just 3 weeks ago aged out. He now has CS order of $1416 for his minor son. Plus he provides health insurance for the male minor and at least momentarily still has his female covered three weeks into her 'adulthood'.
When you married your current husband, you went in with the agreement you would split household bills and mortgage 50/50. You marry. Move your herd of 4-5 people in (including you).
You and your children's father aren't financially able to provide your minor child nor your three adult age children to the tune of what you'd like to. So per you, your current husband should either provide for your child and adult children too, or not provide for his own.
Amazing.
"When you married your
"When you married your current husband, you went in with the agreement you would split household bills and mortgage 50/50. You marry. Move your herd of 4-5 people in (including you)."
No I didn't agree we'd split 50/50. I said we shared, but didn't say what the breakdown was. I pay for everything to do with my kids.
No, I did NOT move my herd of 4-5 people in (including myself). He moved in with me and my herd of 4-5 people. I owned the house!
"Plus he provides health insurance for the male minor and at least momentarily still has his female covered three weeks into her 'adulthood'."
No, he's not covering his adult daughter 'momentarily'. He's covering her until she's 25! And signed a new phone contract until she's 20.
Yep. Amazing!
Firstly, food and rent is not
Firstly, food and rent is not a luxury, it's a necessity. And who said anywhere that they were getting it for free?
Secondly, there was no expectation that he buy my kids a car. And they would never expect him to either. The point being made is that we're married which means that assets and debts are now shared between us. If he was to borrow money (which we would have had to do) to get his daughter a car, then that debt also becomes mine.
In my opinion, I think it's a good life lesson for kids to buy their own car, to learn how to take responsibility for it, to maintain it etc. Just my opinion.
Oh and by the way, I took a higher paying job. Ta!
Thank you
Thank you
Uh - and the step children
Uh - and the step children are GROWN so why is any parent paying for them???
I just find it odd that aged
I just find it odd that aged out kids are still going back and forth on a weekly basis like they were 7 year olds.
If they are in college, they wouldn't be going back and forth I wouldn't think and if they aren't in school and are working, they should move out and get their own place.
I guess you and I have different ideas of what "caring" for adult kids means.
My kids are all adults. NONE of them live with me or their dad. Know why? Cuz they're adults.
I am confused - "I have 4
I am confused - "I have 4 children (3 boys and a girl). The boys are all adult age and the eldest lives with his Dad. The younger three live week about with us. One week with Dad, one week with us. 50% care"
If I read this correctly, OP has three adult male children and one female non adult child. One of her adult children lives with his father (why? I guess that's for another post). Two male adult children and one female non adult child live with OP and her husband every other week.
Did I get that right? And, if so, WHYYYYYYYYY (Nancy Kerrigan font) are two adult children living every other week with their PARENTS?????
right???? That seems so
right???? That seems so weird to me.
When DD24 aged out, her brothers were still going to their dad's on some weekends. Sometimes she went, more often than not she stayed with me.
When Thing1 and Thing2 aged out, they pretty much stayed at my house. An occasional dinner with Asshat, but that was about it.
Wow, some people sure like to
Wow, some people sure like to make assumptions! So apparently I've moved myself with my 3 kids into his house??? I expect him to pay for my children? I have a sense of entitlement?
Sorry but that is so far from the truth.
I owned the house. By myself. I lived there for 8 years with my children. He moved in with me and my children. I pay for everything to do with my children. His settlement with his ex included me having to add $50k to my mortgage to pay her out. I had all the assets in this marriage and he brought in a lot of debt. Now he owns half my house with me through marriage. So I'm a gold digger?
I may have three adult kids, one who lives with his Dad (for various reasons) but they themselves choose to continue the 50/50 arrangement. Their Dad just lives around the corner more or less. Of the two that live with us, one has only just finished high school and is yet to find a job. The second adult was diagnosed with Diabetes just as he was finishing school, and plunged into depression and anxiety because of it, thus is finding it difficult to get a job, and not through lack of trying. Yes, it's a contentious issue that they're adults living in our house and believe me, we're doing all we can to help them gain employment and independence. But my post wasn't about that.
Also, I said we shared the costs. Not once did I say the share was 50/50. He does not pay anything for my kids. At all.
And for those who say his money is for his kids. Yes, I agree. Not once did I say he shouldn't. My issue lies solely on the fact that we have 6 children between us and I feel they should all be treated fairly. I could write a dozen eye opening posts on what we've done for his ex and kids. We've bent over backwards on many occasions, and thankfully he now sees that.
I did not expect this would open up a can of worms, and so many other things that I did not mention should be brought up. Clearly I have not given the full story and don't intend to. I was looking at some honest advice. Well, you sure told me what you thought!
As for the mental health...yes, there is a disorder that makes him react the way he does. Having said that, he's a good man and I tell him that often. Yes, I do appreciate all that he does. And I tell him that too. I'm aware that I've most likely made a rod for my own back in allowing certain things to happen but when you love someone you do tend to do things at your own expense to keep them happy. It's a learning curve.
Thanks to those who gave sound advice and thoughtful comments. To those that didn't, please think about what you're writing. This was my first post and I came here thinking I'd get some helpful comments and it would be cathartic. I didn't expect to be attacked by keyboard warriors. We're all in difficult situations. For most, blended families is a new thing that we're trying to navigate. There are so many variables and we are all going to make mistakes. Quite obviously from some comments, I've made a hell of a lot. I respect and welcome your opinions and if you think I'm not doing something right, sure go ahead and tell me so. But quit the name calling and judgments calls you've made on the limited information you've been given.
Be nice people.
You're absolutely right, it
You're absolutely right, it is insane! However, I sought advice over it and it was the lesser of two evils. Otherwise, he was going to get a personal loan, which would have ended up being half my debt anyway and at a much higher interest rate. Regardless of whether he'd settled before we married or after, he still would have entered the marriage with a $50k debt. It certainly got under my skin. In return, he's paying for renovations on the house, so it's not all bad.