Tell skids about elopement?
Hi all,
I was very thankful to find this site a couple of years ago because it has really been helping me feel not alone in the whole step-parent experience. I finally decided to create an account in hopes to help others, and to be frank, I need some advice sometimes! 
I have been with my SO for 4 1/2 yrs. and have a SD19 and SS15. I would say my skids are middle of the road. They are not fabulous...lazy, entitled, unmotivated and their BM spoils them, doesn't hold them accountable or create any structure so they are not launching into adulthood properly and make poor decisions. SD is 19, no education, no job, living with BM and pregnant. SS is getting straight D's in school and spends 99.9% of his time watching Netflix or playing video games. SO and I only have them about 30% of the time so any kind of structure or homework situation we set up, only lasts for a couple of days and then they go back to mom. On the plus side, they are not rude, abusive or mean...they are just being raised by BM to have very different values than myself (and my SO which is why he left her in the first place). But overall we have a moderate relationship. I don't particularly dislike them, but I don't really like them either. I have been actively disengaging for the last year (best decision ever) which has helped me kind of keep my relationship with them neutral and helped keep my perspective.
So here's my question...the SO and I are planning on eloping in the Spring. We have told no one, and plan on not inviting anyone. I'm not big into weddings and I hate being the center of attention so I'm kind of the philosophy that people will find out when they find out and we don't have to make a big deal about it. However, he wants to tell the skids with a "special dinner" when we get back so that they find out first and we do something to include them. My gut tells me that this is the right thing to do and I need to just suck it up, but I would much rather just let them find out the next time we see them which might be a couple of weeks after we do it (and SO is afraid they will find out from someone else by then). Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I picture the dinner being this awkward thing where they just stare at us so I feel like it is not really worth it but then I feel like we have to tell them in some way. Has anyone done this? Anyone have any ideas on how to tell them? Thanks for your help.
I can see why your SO would
I can see why your SO would want to tell them before somebody else does but I think a "special dinner" might be a little dramatic. And like you said, kind of awkward.
Is he wanting to invite them over for dinner, take them out, or what? They are not small children, why can't he just call them up when you get back and tell them?
I told my kids a couple of
I told my kids a couple of weeks before DH and I got married. My kids live with their dad during the school year, so I told them by phone that we had decided after 3 years together to get married at the courthouse, that no one would be there but the judge and us. They were happy for us.
DH told his kids a few days before we got married. One of them was upset for a little while that we were going to get married while they were in school, but after he explained to them that there was no big ceremony going on and they weren't being left out of anything, they were happy.
The main advice I have is to just tell them "We are getting married at the courthouse on Friday" or whatever. Don't add "is that ok with you" or "how do you feel about that" because they will feel like they are part of the decision as to whether you get married or not, and it isn't up to them. If you tell them afterwards, don't wait long, they will find out somehow and they will have resentment about that.
SO is right and you know
SO is right and you know that. It might be uncomfortable but they should know before anyone else.
It doesn't have to a big deal, just a special dinner like he's suggested.
Thanks! This is all really
Thanks! This is all really good advice. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else and hear it from outside of the situation you are in.
We eloped and DH called his
We eloped and DH called his adult kids when we returned. He doesn't have a real close relationship with them. One was very upset that we didn't invite them to the wedding. I honestly think that he didn't know what "elope" meant. I had to explain to him that no one knew and no one came. To this day I'm not sure he believes me.
SS29 was just angry that his Dad got married at all. He told me that during the divorce DH told him he would never get married again. He thought that DH was breaking some sort of a promise by getting married.
If they are going to be upset it doesn't matter how you tell them. A casual dinner seems like it might be the way to go.
If your gut is telling you
If your gut is telling you it's the right thing to do, then I would go with that. Plus it can get kind of messy depending on the Skids personalities, if they just randomly find out. Kids in there teen years make no sense! My SD was 14 when I came into her life, and it has been a bad struggles ever since (but that's another story, she already had lost of issues to start with). My SS is now a 13, and they just have such a different perspective on things. Plus you add in the whole split family thing, it can make them a little more complicated than normal teens.
I agree with nosurehowtodeal, if the Skids are going to be upset it doesn't matter how you tell them, but if you do what you feel is right then at lest you know you did what was right. A dinner might seem awkward now, but if your HD supports you and your relationship it wont be as awkward as you might think.
Congrats!
Thanks! I talked with my SO
Thanks! I talked with my SO about all the fabulous advice we got (BTW - seriously happy that I finally made an account on this site) and we decided to call them with the news when we return, so they hear it first and then ASK them if they want to do something special to celebrate. This way, we get to tell them right away and maybe they will want do to something to celebrate and if they don't, they don't have to sit through a dinner.
Sounds like the perfect way
Sounds like the perfect way to handle it. Congratulations on the upcoming elopement!