Can anyone here relate to my situation?
I've placed this in the "bio child free zone" because I don't know what else to classify myself as. My two biokids are 31 and 32 years old. One lives states away, is married and XO in the Navy. The other lives within an hours drive, is single but keeps himself pretty busy with his career. I met my DH 4 years ago when his boys were 11 and 15. Their BM was part of their lives but only by visiting once a week here. She kept claiming her new apartment was under renovations and there was nowhere for her to put furniture yet. This lasted for a couple of months and her visits became fewer and fewer. She never did once take them to her house. She eventually vanished and doesn't call or text and hasn't seen either boy in 3 years. I mistakenly thought that I'd get days away from them. Why is it when a BM says she needs a day away from the kids the whole world will step in and offer help but a stepmom says it and it's "AHA! We KNEW you hated us!"? My SSs are now 15 and 19 and would rather die than give us a day alone ever. I begged the older boy to please leave the house just one night a month. His solution was to pay for us a hotel room. The disneyland dad syndrome my husband has is unreal. SS19 is not working, not driving, takes two classes online (failing one) but this is totally OK with DH. SS15 is allowed to do whatever he wants as long as he keeps playing sports of course. DH cannot tolerate the thought of taking anything from them even though we are suffering so bad financially. They have to have the best and newest phones with unlimited service, newest computers, video game systems, stereo equipment, etc, etc. I'm so frustrated I can't stand it. Tomorrow we are heading to a hotel with Christmas money we received. It's NOT all about sex (although that is a mess also), I just want to be able to not be interrupted while we eat, talk, lay in bed watching a movie, or any other activity in which I'd like no distractions. I won't even enjoy the hotel tomorrow because I'm getting so resentful. It's not that I hate my Skids. I don't. In my opinion the marriage should come first and your priority should be placed on agreeing how to raise the kids. DH puts so much effort into appeasing them that he's put me into the position of the enforcement. I'm the perpetual bad guy who always has to demand what she needs, discipline the kids and let's not forget the dam animals. OMG how I could go on and on about them. Does anyone relate?
DH needs a reality check with
DH needs a reality check with the finances. He needs to be paying 3/4 of the household bills out of his money. You need to pay your 1/4 and stash the rest so he can't spend it on the 19yo leech.
He also needs to make your relationship a priority. If he won't, then why be with him? With teens you should easily be able to have a date night weekly. A 15 and 19 YO can be told that you're having date night and to keep interruptions to a minimum. Don't they go out with friends, etc?
Make him deal with discipline. He is the parent, it's his job. Let them suffer the natural consequences of not following rules.
Sex life: you don't mention particulars, but teens know all about sex, and they want to pretend you don't have it. Pick a night, say Saturday, and every Saturday shut the bedroom door and have at it. Be overly loud. Moan, groan, and bang on stuff. I promise it won't take many sessions for them to find something else to do/someplace else to be on Saturday. Be sure to walk funny on Sunday too, and make comments like "I sure am SORE!".
If all else fails, get the heck out. He is not making you a priority, and you deserve better.
I am so thankful that DH
I am so thankful that DH realized SS's hideous faults before I met him.
I did forget to mention that
I did forget to mention that we have been seeing a counselor for 3 years. DH does not feel happy with himself (very low self esteem) refuses to discipline kids ever since that would make him a bad guy of course. Certainly I blame him for no privacy, not so much the kids. I think I have every right to blame the older boy for never leaving the house. I mean COME ON! When I was 19, I was married with 2 kids. Most kids his age cant wait to get out of the house. Not him because he has it made. Dad makes him do no chores. He has his own giant room with 65 inch tv, ipad, macbook, iphone6, mini refrigerator, basically his own bachelor pad, not to mention his surround sound system that literally shakes my bed across the floor (only thing that does). I am in nursing school full time and really plan on running like hell the minute I graduate and get a job. If the SS19 (then 20) is still living here making the rules I don't want to be here.
Yes i can relate. My
Yes i can relate. My partner's 17 year old lives with us all the time. No mother. She does have delayed, so that complicates things too. I don't think the kid will leave the house any time soon, possibly never, she doesn't drive or wants to drive, she has no friends and is not interested in anything but video games. Nothing is expected of her but to go to school. She has absolutely no clue how to make a meal for herself, how to clean - nothing. And there is no getting away from it. I doubt she will be able to work any time soon either even if it is just washing dishes somewhere. She has very poor social skills. So yes I can relate. This is not the only reason I am now scared of getting married, but it is one of the big ones. I never in my dreams imagined being married with a skid who is always there...I truly feel for you
Thank you neskajy! It does
Thank you neskajy! It does help to know I'm not alone. "Very poor social skills" is exactly what is wrong. SS19 is a very nice boy. His dad just keeps saying, "he's immature...he's only 14 mentally". That's so not true and the worst thing about it is DH is terrified to correct him and risk hurting his feelings. Example; yesterday we bought pizza, 16 slices. There are four of us. SS19 takes 12 slices puts on a plate and carts off to his room. Does he dad correct him and say something, NO. DH says,"oh he was just super hungry I guess." I made the mistake of trying to correct him once. He took a girl up to his room and they shut the door. I went up and told them get back downstairs or leave the door open. I turned to DH and said,"Are you okay with this?" DH threw his hands in the air and shouted, "I'm in the middle". It ended bad. Police were called kind of bad.