I have yet to find
I've searched and searched for articles online but I have yet to find anything on the topic of: "Bio Dad expects Step mother to love step daughter". This is something that I would really like opinions on because it has become clear to me that my boyfriend of 10 months expects me to have loving feelings for his daughter. He has asked me point blank multiple times. The first time was on Valentines day. He sent her to me with a heart shaped balloon to give to me. She handed it to me and said, "This is for you because I love you". The only response I could muster was, "Oh that's sweet honey thank you." She's three years old. I know she doesn't know that the feelings she has for her bio parents is love. I also know that she doesn't feel that for me. She doesn't hate me but she doesn't love me. He later asked me if I love her. My response was no. I think that him having her do things like that puts a tremendous amount of pressure on she and I and I think it confuses her. The most recent occasion happend last month on his birthday. She was with her mother and he and I were having a rare child free lunch. Out of no where he asked me if I love her. My response was no. He did not like that response. He doesn't seem to understand why at this point in our relationship if I love him, why don't I love her. His questioning prompted me to google "Do I have to love my step children" because I felt bad for not loving her. The overall response was "no, just be a good parent". I made the mistake of sharing my findings with him and it started a huge fight and left him with the impression that I'm predetermining that I'm never going to love his daughter. I asked him wouldn't it be enough for me to never be mean to her or treat her poorly and he said no. He said, "If we have children I don't want our kids to come to you and say they love you and you tell them you love them back and then my daughter come to you and say she loves you and you say I like you. I don't want her to feel different or less loved". I think it's very presumptuous of him to assume that his daughter is going to love me.
He said it would make him sad if I don't ever develop loving feelings towards her. My advice to him was to never ask me again because he may not like the answer. Other than that, I don't know what to do. Does anyone have experience with bio parents expectations in regards to how you feel about their children? What do/would you do?
when I & my DH had this
when I & my DH had this conversation, I explained to him, how can I love SD, I don't know her. I'm trying to get to know her, like her and hopefully one day come to love her. He understood, he placed no expectations on me. Your boyfriend needs to understand that love between a blended family has to be nurtured and built over time, it doesn't happen overnight.
I agree whole heartedly with
I agree whole heartedly with both of you smom101 and clydella. Of course all of the things you guys said came as an after thought to me once the conversation was ended. I couldn't think of how to express my feelings to him in words. Now that I can I'm afraid to even breech the subject again or if I should even try to.
Yeah I think I will, I saw
Yeah I think I will, I saw this book recommended to someone else on another thread and I've made a mental note to find it and read it.
I've also looked up similar
I've also looked up similar things. My SO is extremely bothered that I don't interact with SK the way SO does. It's a constant point of contention. My SK, thankfully, is a very good kid, and I do care for SK alot. I'd even go to say, yes, I do love my SK, but not in that deep naturally maternal way. I have had maternal moments when it comes to SK, which surprised me (I was planning on, much more than likely, remaining child free). SO will not say it, but wants me to interact with SK the exact way SO does (i.e. pretending to be happy every second, jumping up to get whatever SK wants, whenever SK wants, and do it with a smile...everytime). SO never wants SK to cry.... ever, so at any time a 'cry' comes on, SO jumps up to see what it is. I was researching the different types of parenting and I think a big issue for my case is that we were raised on different ends of the spectrum, with my SO being raised by more child-centric parents and I being raised with more Authoritative parents and that's causing issues, because I highly doubt SK (or even any hypothetical BK's [doubtful haha]) will ever be the center of my universe (and I don't think that's really a bad thing, SK is very important, but not number one). I guess my SO and I really need to have some discussions, because for me SO and I's relationship is most important (would be the same case if I had a BK), but for SO, SK is number one. I feel that the "world revolves around you" parenting is not the right way to go and sets improper expectations for later in life. SO feels "SK did not ask to be here, so I want SK's life to be as happy as possible". I agree, I want SK to have a very happy childhood and life, but SK also needs to understand that there are other people in the world that have needs and wants too. Whew sorry for the vent, but I totally get where you're coming from.
I too was raised by
I too was raised by authoritative parents rather than parents concerned about being their kids best friends. This is something that is an issue with me and my BF as well. I think that this is about the life he dreams we will have as a blended family. I think he thinks that if he can love her so can I. What he forgets is that he's raised her from birth so there has been time for them to bond.
I literally just got off the
I literally just got off the phone with him. I'm at work and my lunch is at 11am and he calls me everyday to talk. We touched upon the subject briefly because I brought it up. I brought it up because he does this thing where if he's on the phone with me, he'll ask his daughter if she wants to say hi to me or talk to me. I don't know if it's right or not but it bothers me. Not because I don't want to talk to her but because I feel that this is more of him forcing us to interact in a way that he wants. Sometimes she'll want to talk to me and sometimes she doesn't. Anyway, I asked him to stop doing stuff like that. He said okay. I asked him if he understood why and of course he thinks it's only because of how I feel. He thinks that she thinks I'm awesome and loves playing with me. I said so it's okay for her to have minimal feelings for me but it's unacceptable for me to feel anything less than love? He said he didn't know what I meant so I dropped the subject all together. I am at work after all.
This is the article I found
This is the article I found and read when I looked up "Do I have to love my step kids". It made me feel a lot better because it's basically what I feel. When I came to my bf about my findings all that he took from the discussion is that I was predetermining that I would never love his daughter. Even though those words never came out of my mouth. Maybe I should just have him read that article but I'm not sure if it's meant for step parents or if it would also help a BM.
Isn't it interesting how SM's
Isn't it interesting how SM's are expected to love their SKs. I bet its not the same for men. I think its the misconception that all women love children, here's a child so you should love them.
I think its much the same as any relationship. If your sister falls in love with a man, and marries him, are you expected to love him too? OF COURSE NOT! Oh, but we're related, so surely you would love him too? Its the same with step-kids! But people don't always see it that way. I love my kid so you should love them too. YEAH RIGHT!
My SS and SD are like bad housemates - generally nice and well meaning people that I have to pick up after and can reprimand when required, but there's no motherly connection. I like them, I care about them, I'm concerned about them, but I am not their mother. Most times I feel like a housekeeper rather than a mum.
You need to assess if this is getting in the way of your relationship too. How would you react if he put this sort of pressure on you about your work? Do you love your job yet? Why not, I love your job so you should love your job. How about now? Do you love it yet?
It sounds pretty unreasonable to me, and if he's not sensitive about how this is affecting you then you might need to reassess. His daughter is never going to go away (unlike jobs), so this could be ONGOING. FOREVER. What if you never develop that bond and love for her the way he wants? Your responsibility is to be a supportive partner, and so is his. Is he supporting you?