After the drama with bm several months ago, nothing from our house goes to hers. And the same is true for stuff from her house.

If everybody knows this ^^^^, I would not let the PS4 go back and forth. SS can bring the related gifts to your house and still use them, BM and her family should not have assumed it would be coming to her house and bought gifts to be used with it.

Hubby offers ss his summer earnings back and to get him some other gift instead. So the PS4 would be a family gift. But ss flat out refused.

It probably should have been a family gift, since you bought your son a game to play when SS is not there; that is a reasonable compromise. Not to SS, of course, but he is the child, your hubby is the parent so hubby should do what HE thinks is best. And if that is taking it back due to SS being so disrespectful, then so be it.

Wow, this is a real mess.

IIWII is correct, the game shouldn't be moved back and forth. We had an Xbox get dropped because it was being moved from the bedroom to the living room.

The fact is no one thought this gift through. I'm actually with SS. He's the one who worked all summer to earn the majority of the cost of this gaming system. You don't say if your son earned any money or what he spent it on.
Even if it was going to stay at your house, it wasn't a gift for your bio. He shouldn't get to play it when SS isn't there.

I know money is tight but my thoughts are that you buy another system for your home & SS takes this one to BMs. Then SS can just bring over the games he wants to play.

Look at it as a learning experience.

I wouldn't send the PS4 back and forth, no way. We have a mutual understanding in our household that anything bought here stays here along with anything else they get from birthdays or holidays from our sides.

I wouldn't offer anything honestly. I'd just state the rules and that's that. You are the adults and he is the child. It's not your problem that BM and her side of the family based their gifts on something YOU bought. He can either bring their stuff to your home with him to use on the PS4, they can figure out how to return or resell it or she can buy her own PS4.

We bought a Wii U for the kids for Christmas this year but it was a family gift for everyone along with the games. We made sure to state openly that it was for EVERYONE including the games they got to open. Just because they opened this certain game does not mean it is specifically for them and only them.

We also have a community property type of deal with toys in our home. Yes, you got it at your birthday party and it was bought for you but once it hits the toy box it's up for grabs. If you're not playing with it and someone else wants to play with it then they're more than welcome to do so. My kids play with all toys that are here and my stepkids also play with the same toys when my bios aren't here and are at their Dad's. I'm not going to sit here and gatekeep or fight with them about what they can and can't play with and when.

I think most people here are missing that SS put $160 of his own money into this.
Of course he thinks it's his to take where he pleases.

Before you tell him you're the parent and you make the decision about where the game stays you have to take that into account.
Yes, you're the parent and he's the child but he was very adult in working for and saving his money. You want to reward that and give him what he's earned.
If you take control of that game you'll destroy his trust.
Don't be surprised if he turns against your bio. To him it looks like bio son is getting something that SS worked for and that DH and of course you, are ok with that.

Lets do some math. You got your son $200 in gifts. DH got his son a gift valued at lets say $400. $160 of SS money and $240 of his money.

Value of SS Christmas Gift: $40 (half usage of the console minus his $160 contribution. It's actually less because he now has useless christmas presents from family members. If DH won't let SS's christmas gift over there BM isn't going to let the gaming stuff over to your house on principle I bet.

Value of OP's DS Christmas Gift: $400 (OP's $200 plus half of the value of the console).

So $40 to the responsible boy who went out of his way to earn extra money to get a nice gift and $400 to the kid who did nothing. Does this seem fair to you?

So SS earned half of the PS4, plus BM bought accessories for her home, and he can't take it back and forth?

Sorry, I think if you wanted SS to share, you should have split the PS4 right down the middle for both boys to share for Christmas, and let SS use his own money for something else.

I agree with your SS, not fair at all.

We had a similar situation happen with an Xbox where SS 12 thought it was " his " and it could travel back and forth to BM and back . We didn't go for it and it stayed in our house .
I Tfink SS should get the money back he earned and the game system should stay . For the BM to assume it comes to her house is pretty rude . let her return the accessories and let her save towards a separate gaming system.

When I was 12 there was something I really, really wanted. I saved my money to make the $50 purchase (a huge expenditure 50+ years ago). I made 35-50 cents an hour babysitting. I might have exploded if I'd been forced to share it with my brother (bio in an intact family even).

Holy cow. I can't stand my SD, but no way no day would I let this situation happen to her in my home. Dayum.

I also think you should apologize and let him do what he wants with the system. If you are adamant about the system not going to BM's you should give SS back his money and $200+ in cash that you would have spent on presents. He can use the money to buy another console for $350 and use it at BMs house, and take his games back and forth. Otherwise this boy just got screwed over by his dad and SM and he is unlikely to forget it.

Frankly, if I were the BM of this SS? I'd toss $200 at your feet when I picked my son up and take his 'gift' home

WTF were you and Dh thinking? And to buy your son a game to play on SS's 'gift' in SS's off weeks? It's one thing telling a kid clear and upfront a PS4 would stay at Dad's house, but to let the kid pay for 1/2 AND buy your son a game for it? Talk about a sense of entitlement you and your son have :O The extra controller (another supposed 'gift' for SS) and a game for your son? ARGH #@$%@...and you wonder why BM is disgusted and angry... what a sh*tty thing to do to an 11yr old at Christmas.

We have a PlayStation and it does not like being moved, unplugged, updated or turned off improperly. Moving the game console every weekend (or whatever) could be very hard on the system. I have 4 boys and it would never fly that the PS belonged to only one of them. The others would play it behind their brothers back and I would be miserable trying to police "who touched the system." We got the boys an Xbox 360 a few years ago for xmas and it was a family gift.

If this was my son I would give him back his money and tell him to save it up and completely pay for his own system and keep it at his mothers house. If you combine both of the boys xmas $ then you'd have enough to buy a PS without dipping into their personal $. I'd buy a PS that was a family gift that stayed in the home and was not to be moved. Parents goofed, oh well, the kid has to deal with it and understand that mistakes happen.

It's a freaking GAME system and its ss's. Let him do what he wants with it. If it gets destroyed then it will be a valuable lesson for him. He can always EARN another. Don't punish this kid for working and saving his own money. Your kid is SOL and can so the same to earn his own. Yes BM may win this round but so what. Already you've had SS in tears over this. If he had NOT put his own money to it my answer would be different. Don't try to destroy this kids work ethic

I do agree, OP, that your son has NO business playing the PS4 (without SS) and he should not have been given gifts related to it, it's not his.

If he wants to take it back and forth between houses, I would let him. But first I would inform him of the risks of doing so. If he ends up breaking it, that's on him. I wouldn't let BS use it at all, since he did nothing to earn it. Maybe that will motivate him to work for something in the future.

An 11 year old is not the boss...if Dad says the system stays at Dad's house - then that is where it stays. Dad should give his son back whatever he contributed and make the PS4 a family gift. And who gives a rats butt about what BM says or bought. The kid will get over it.

No one said life was fair.

One child lives in the home FT and one 50/50 - correct?. Is the OP's sons father involved and what did he get for Xmas from his Dad ? Since everyone is crying about how unfair all this is to the SS - do we need to tally everything up and see who got more from every source ? Will SS never play the PS4 game that was purchased for the OP's son ? Does the OP's son have some money saved he can contribute to the PS4 ? How much did the OP's husband actually contribute ?

"So hubby went ahead and bought the PS4 and added a bit extra of his own money (on top of the 200 because Canadian taxes are awful). He also bought an extra controller. Then for my own son, I bought one PS4 game, nice clothes and tickets for my father and him to watch the new Star Wars movie in IMAX. "

and FFS ....stop making the SM the bad guy. Dad was one the that didn't communicate with his son.

Moving any kind of gaming system is a recipe for disaster. At the very least, the system will not last as long as one that is in one place at all times. They are very fragile pieces of electronics. If the "eye" gets even a little out of place, BAM, you have an expensive paper weight. Dust and humidity are enemies of gaming consoles.

I supposed returning the PS4 is out of the question? I ask because you could go to a pawn shop and probably get two for that price and one could be for the family and the other could be SS's to do with as he wishes.

There's got to be SOME way of working this out. BM's input means nothing. How many posters on this site have BMs who promise to get their own kids something and never do? BM and her family should NOT have banked on dad buying this gift. She also should not have trusted SS's word that he could take the console back and forth!

After re-reading the original post, I wonder why SS told BM that he would be taking the PS4 back and forth but NEVER mentioned that to his dad, nor shared his excitement of playing it with his friend, even though the no-back-and-forth rule had been in place for months? Surely, it occurred to him that it might be an issue?

And the ONLY stuff SS got from BM and her side of the family were things for the PS4. Something could have come up to where OP's husband wasn't able to get the PS4 at all but they all bought gifts based on SS getting it as a gift AND being able to take it to Bm's (even though she participated in the no back and forth). Maybe BM and family should have all pitched in and bought the PS4 for him at BM's house, instead of counting on it coming over from Dad's.

Lack of communication between father and son but that still does not mean that SS gets to decide the resolution. And neither does anybody here get to tell OP what is the "correct" way.

Gaming systems are like crack. Taking crack away from an crack addict causes meltdowns. I've seen gaming system meltdowns before with children (same with smartphones). It's a gift item I would never personally get someone. Particularly children.

Sell the damned thing and give SS his money back. Everyone is going to take a financial hit. Lesson learned and time to move on!

So if DH is thinking of giving SS his $160 back and buying him $200 worth of something else for Christmas, why not use that money to buy a new system for the house and let SS take this one to BMs?

I think you need to listen to those on here who have told you that SS will lose trust in his father and you. This incident will breed resentment and SS will not get over it. He'll remember this and use it every chance he gets. You and DH won't be able to do anything right anymore. Trust me on this. SS is on the cusp of teenagehood and this is just fuel for him

You've also given BM a ton of fuel for her fire. In her eyes, just like a lot of the posters here, you've just proven that your son is more important that SS.
Who cares if they share everything, BM is going to point out how SS used his own money, only to have his gift given to your son.

You and DH have created a real mess. I hope it works out in the end but how DH handles it is going to be important in how SS behaves in your home going forward.

The answer seems so simple...Tell the ss no. Be the parent...It doesn't prove anything about dh's love for your son...The issue is your ss's inability to share, and blend as a family...If you cater to him because he throws a fit..then, you just enable his manipulative behavior, and he will never grow as a person in that arena...today it is a ps4...tomorrow who knows? Different item..same issue...His insecurities are high...he is comparing himself to your son...he is pushing the false guilt you love him best buttons...to do anything to make you prove your love for him by giving him his way on this...Don't buy into that gig...Stand on what you already said...What we buy stays in our home...final answer...He will get over it in time...Of course bm will be milking it for all she can...she needs to be put in her place asap....

This is a great opportunity to become a teachable moment...Stay calm. Stay in agreement with dh on this...and present yourselves as a united force on this...THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BM!!!!!..it is not her business...use this as a teachable moment for her to establish as an agreed upon boundary that she is not to cross between your dh and you...This is your decision as the ones in authority of your now family...you ss doesn't have to like the arrangement...it is n't up to him....it is up to the two of you...be the parents.

Every decision you make that reinforces principals, and your own family culture is not always going to be the popular one...That is irrelevant to doing what you have both decided is the right thing for your family...The minute you were called out on it...you are both wavering..making you look weak and easily manipulated by fit throwing...by both your ss and the bm...NOT A GOOD MESSAGE TO SEND to an already unstable, and insecure group of people...

Step back, breathe, get alone with your dh and come out united...do not waver...this will not be the first time your decisions as a man and wife will be challenged...this one is as small as a video game...If you both come out indecisive, unsure, and in dis agreement with each other...the old "divide and conquer" will once again trump your ability to present yourselves as a solid, force not easily shaken or divided...(which is what your ss needs right now more than a ps4)...He needs to feel secure that you two are solid..someone he can feel secure with...kids need clear strong boundaries...to feel secure...they may come off like they hate it, but when the emotional melt down show is over, and it didn't work they will come around....

Stand together with each other...stay united...and just say "no"....peace

Dad should make his son keep the gift at his home. There's nothing stopping mom from purchasing one for the kid to have at her house as well.

Dad should also make the game off limits to his SS(the OP's bio) when his son isn't there. This had zero impact on the household sharing rules.
it teaches both boys the importance of respecting other people's property.

I think the only scenario where this will work without any resentment will be your DH giving his child his $160 back + $200 cash. SS can then decide if he wants to buy himself the PS4. If he doesn't have enough then he can work for the rest.

But I can already feel the disappointment of this child. He will now be told something that was not made clear in the first place, that he paid for, and that was HIS Christmas gift will be taken away and used as a family gift. And he gets $200 of other gifts. He doesn't want the other gifts he wanted the PS4. Your DH bought it with him. The entire money is still SS's $160 and all since those $200 where set aside for him. And on top of that you have your snotty little entitled son telling HIM what he can and cannot do with HIS gift. Come on now, It was not his place to drop that bomb. You really should teach your child better. Your DH should have been the one to tell him that.

At this point, your son gets $200 bucks in gifts from you, Uses his money to buy a bike instead of a PS4. But still gets the PS4 since it is staying in your home.

I get it, life isn't fair and kids should learn that but dang, I would like to know of a time your son got screwed this badly with something he wanted.

You sound like my ex stepmother. Except she didn't try to hide her cruel ways. All of our gifts from age 7 and on (when my sis was born, her daughter) where taken away from us and given to my sis. I don't resent my sister for that. I do resent the hell out of my dad and exSM for that crap.

When I was in the second I grade I got a new bicycle for Christmas that I adored. We moved when I was 9 and the bike was sold - with the assumption that the money would be used to replace it when we arrived at our new destination. I was okay with that. Even at that young age I knew it was expensive to move stuff across several states.

But when we got to the new state the money was split between my brother and I - all I was able to get was a broken down junky rusted out old bike that was pathetic.

It is now SIXTY years later, and I've never forgotten how terribly unfair that was. And we weren't even poor yet. Our terrible poverty settled in after we moved to that small Southern state. But at that point in time my parents still had savings, 2 cars and a house.

So do not underestimate how this will affect SS.

What did you and your husband end up deciding?

With all the things that went SO wrong with this situation, I can admit we were in a similar boat.
1st off, ss should have never added money of his own to increase a Christmas gift, birthday yes, not christmas. Our kids have done so for birthday not christmas.
DS wanted an Xbox years back.
He put in some of his money and we added it to his birthday gift. It was agreed to do this but it stays at home BEFORE the purchase was made.
Then the other kids wanted to play minecraft on it.
So we had a family meeting.
DS agreed to share his xbox with the other kids.
We decided each kid would have to pay 1/4 the price of the game, and each would have to get their own controller.
LAST week, DD wanted to play Halo on it with her friend and DS said NO.
He was supported, halo is his game, it's his unit and the other kids play Minecraft and that's agreed apon, not anything they want whenever they want with whoever they want.
I don't know how you would fix your situation given the multiple issues, but if it were me, i would swallow all the mistakes and give the kid a nice padded case to take it back and forth to BMs and return ss game. I don't see any other way to fix it, too many miscommunications and mistakes were made.

Your son is the only one that benefits from this outcome. Not surprised. As someone else pointed out. You have 95% of the response in this thread telling you you f'ed up here. A forum that is usually always on the SMs side. That should tell you something.

Wow.

First off, I hope your DH sits down many times with SS, and puts his own baggage aside to actually LISTEN and parent his kid. He needs to really hear SS through this experience, and he needs to treat SS as an equal person through this experience - rules are rules, reality doesn't change because there was a misunderstanding or upset feelings, but some good listening skills, some compassion, some explanations and some understanding will go a long way to helping this pre-teen become a confident teen.

Secondly, what a drama. SS asked for Christmas gifts based on getting the PS4 from you guys. He thought it would be his, and something he could take back and forth. Like his coat. No way he assumed it would be forcibly shared, so you guys failed on that communication point.

Thirdly, forced sharing? OMG, that's such crap. I think sharing is a super-important social ability that I value very highly, but forced sharing isn't sharing. It's just forcing... which I don't value at all. Not sure what parents think they're teaching when they are forcing their children to do things. 'May the Force be with you' isn't about bullying.

Fourthly - oh, what the hell, no more counting. If it is your position that the PS4 is a toy that stays at your house, then it was not a gift for SS. As a matter of fact, I don't get this point. You've got 50/50, but everything that your home purchases for SS stays at your home. Ok... but then everything your home purchases for SS is available for DS when SS is with his mom? Does DS wear his clothes as well as play with his toys? Because this forced sharing crap seems to have a big payoff for DS and none at all for SS. He has no say when he is is there and he has no say when he isn't there?

A serious talk with SS and with your husband are in order. Surely you can see that DS having access to his own stuff 100% and to SS's 50%+ isn't fair to SS. Nor is DS learning about respecting other people's things. Probably why he didn't lift a finger this summer - he gets everything he wants and everything SS wants anyways.

Have you op and your dh thought about asking ss how he would like to proceed? Would he prefer the outcome your dh came up with or sell the thing? Maybe involving him in the decision to rectify the mistake would help with the resentment.

As someone with a son who used to be obsessed with gaming, I can tell you those are fragile machines. Fact is, it would of broken pretty fast with all the back and forth. Then SS would have no machine.

I would give him the 160.00 back And the 200 as a gift card to be used at the place the machine was bought. If he and his mom use those funds to buy another machine, then it is a win win. He has the joy of having a machine at each home and he gets to play games with his step brother. Winner winner!

Either give him his money back so it is a gift that stays at your house, or have bm give you $100 so its fair to go back and forth. But so can her games too!

I personally wouldnt let that happen. Everything bought here stays here, we dont share gifts or theme park passes, we want as little to do with her. When we send something over there it breaks!! No thanks!!

Reading the original post I thought right away something is wrong when skid had to contribute his earned money towards a gift ...
I would keep the PS4 at the house but bio kids can not play with it when skid is not there ..,

You give a gift and it belongs to SS now. I think he should be allowed to take it back and forth with an appropriate case or padding. This is likely his most prized possession - that he helped earn - and he wants it with him at his moms and dads house.

IMO this is normal and fair. IT IS HIS GIFT!!

Yes, the OP and her DH f'd up royally. You don't force kids to share. It teaches absolutely nothing and is not actually sharing.

But all of this crap about SS being scarred for life and needing therapy...over a gaming system?!?! You absolutely must be joking. If this is the biggest tragedy of this kids life he's certainly doing better than 95% of the population. I think people are forgetting that he has food, a warm bed, a safe home, not one but two families who care enough and have the funds for xmas gifts, etc.

I can picture it now: 20 years down the road SS is in couples therapy when he breaks down and admits that the reason he is unfaithful and has a drinking problem is that he could only use his PS4 EOW.

If I personally knew this sk, after hearing this nonsense, I would buy him a pswhatever just because he put up with all the bs that came with that supposed gift. After reading all that Apple wrote, I'm putting the blame where it belongs, on her. Admit it or not, her intent was clear; the game wasn't to be sk's and his alone.

Which leads to a bigger issue, forced sharing.
Two pre-teens with nothing to call their own.... The seething resentment that will be bubbling up and spilling over in a year or so, going to be a nice fireworks show.
Forcing people to share anything that normally would be considered 'their own' is not a way to nurture relationships, it's just a way to show dominance. *(my house my rules and you have nothing, not even the things that we give you).

One last thing, Apple, you never did address why your child should benefit from another's hard work. Which is exactly what happened.

If this was actually the kid's gift let him take it to his mom's house. Buy another for your house.
Now the kid has his gift and can use it with mom's gift. And your family has a family gift.

In the future don't have the kids contribute to family gifts. It never turns out well. If it's my gift I should be able to decide who plays it and when. If it's mine I should be able to have it in my room or take it with me. If I can't decide, it's not mine.
If it's a family gift, parents decide who uses it and when.

You made a mistake. Own it. Don't replace the gaming system with other gifts (so his other gifts are useless) or money that you insist be used for things for your house. You would then be punishing the kid who worked hard and thought the gift was a gift without conditions.