Tired of being unappreciated
I am a mom of 3 with one child being my husband’s, a step mom of 2 and a wife to my step children’s father going on 23 years now. I was raised by my father that was married 3 different times to women that were abusive in their own ways so coming into my step children’s lives 23 years ago I tried to be that better step mom being fair and equal to all 5 of our kids. I have always loved and treat them as my own but getting nothing in return and repeating this cycle is unacceptable. Paying for family vacations annually and never dividing his mine or ours. It’s always been a bit of a battle with his ex always down talking me as a nobody. I really didn’t receive gifts or calls for birthdays or Christmas as my step daughter and step son were growing up and never pushed because they were kids being torn apart so I didn’t want to add to it. Well here we are 23 years later both my step kids are adults, my step daughter is married with 3 kids and 3 step kids and my step son is grown not married no kids. Every year I go out of my way to make sure my step kids, grandkids and step grandkids have a good Christmas and stockings. I found out yesterday, cause our son told me, that my step son bought my husband a Jersey ($170 ar that) that he has still yet to tell me about and they bought my MIL a gift as well. This is just one of the many things. I’m not a materialistic person and I receive plenty from my kids as my husband does to but it’s hurtful for all the time money effort I put into them and get nothing in return not even a cheap gift. I’m so upset right now and trying to figure out how to approach my husband again with these feelings I have without feeling like a broken record. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Or what should I do?
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You've done all the right
You've done all the right things. I'd be having a convo with my DH that it's clear his kids don't want a reciprocal relationship with you. So it's time for you to back off, stop with the gifts and making sure things are "equal." You seem to be the only one who cares about that.
You can still encourage DH to have a relationship with them, but YOU can stop buying gifts, planning things, etc. It's now his responsibility to maintain that relationship, not yours.
DH might not like that. Heck, the steps might not like losing the things you've always provided. But dang, you didn't cause the problem and you sure don't need to be the one feeling the effects of the problem.
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the affirmation this has helped me tremendously and I talked to him and told him that exactly of course with all my emotions of how they make me feel. I said I will no longer spend my time money or effort to continue getting slapped in the face. Although our kids are now adults and close, mine say mom, you need to actually stick with it and don't buy them the anything, let them feel it. I just don't like being ugly but it seems being too nice gets me hurt so I'm going to stay strong and focus on mine and let him focus on his. I just try to make my husband understand it's not about the gifts because I get all that and more from my kids and so does he, it's about the respect and appreciation and him not standing up when he knows it's wrong.
IMHO, at some point kindness is earned.
They have not earned it.
This is a very true statement
This is a very true statement that I need to live by with people other than my own kids, thank you!
I have organized bday parties
I have organized bday parties, bought gifts, taken on shopping sprees and driven to fun events/locations paid by me. I even bought groceries for the two oldest when they were struggling on their own
I never received a card or a text even acknowledged my existence in their lives. Recently SS16 took an online curriculum to graduate sooner from high school. His brother SS14 told me "mom said you and dad could come if you want to". I wont be going and I dont plan on gifting any gifts. Because I am polite I will give a card saying happy graduation with a quote and thats it.
My husband also does nothing so he is just like his kids. It works for them. Yet they complain that dad never remembers bdays but they dont even come around on fathers day.
My advice to you is to do the bare minimum required within the boundaries of politeness only to save your image. Thats it. You dont owe anyone any gifts not even your own children. If a relationship is unilateral, then leave it. Perhaps they will wake up and come around but if not you know where you stand with them
Oh my goodness you said
Oh my goodness you said everything perfectly and your right, my husband is just like them and it's worked for them. I expressed to my husband last night if my kids had done the same that his has been doing time after time how would he feel and he said you're right. He doesn’t get it, I don’t care about me being right but the fact that he’s allowed this and it’s taking me to put a stop. In 23 years I’ve never divided our family, you do for yours and I’ll do for mine but I am now. The sad part about this now there are grandkids involved and I have always made them Easter Baskets and Christmas stockings and included/paid for parts if not all expenses on family vacations for grandkids. With this how do you do the bare minimum within boundaries of politeness?
As for the grands, if making
As for the grands, if making Easter baskets etc brings YOU joy, then continue. Stop when it gets to be painful, such as when they are old enough to express gratitude but don't.
Whatever you do going forward is about what brings you happiness, and avoiding the things that bring pain.
Thank you! Great advice!
Thank you! Great advice!
I would give each a small
I would give each a small card that says "happy easter to you and your family/parents, enjoy egg hunting and spending time with your amazing family!" along with a very little pouch of chocolate eggs purchased for $1.25 at the dollar store with the dollar store tag left on.
It doesnt matter to them whether you give easter baskets or not, they want it if you give it but if you dont they will take what you can give. If kids are over 10years old, just print the story of Easter according to the christian bible and give it to them to read and tell them to enjoy the easter church service
be a polite stranger and let
be a polite stranger and let your husband take the reins on gift giving.
Your DH is the key to this issue.
You're all adults now, on a level playing field. Adults get to choose their relationships, and most prefer mutual, reciprocal ones. Your DH's adult kids aren't appreciative or good to you, and IMO you're justified in dropping the rope with them, but remember - it's your DH's inaction that has caused this. Some counseling sessions might help him understand how much emotional labor you've put into his kids and grandkids over the years, why your well has run dry, and what he needs to do to redeem himself.
I think I'd try to detach with kindness. Maybe start fading back and encouraging your DH to see his kids without you? Stop hosting events or doing anything for them. Be civil, but start expecting skids to contribute and reciprocate. Be polite when they're good to you, and distance yourself when they aren't. As for vacations, well, your DH needs to have some hard conversations with his kids about their lack of appreciation for all that you do. He needs to own his part in not teaching them to be gracious and give them specific requirements for what sort of amends need to be made before you'll be financing anything else. If your DH puts in the work and remedies the thoughtlessness, this maybe resolved before Easter. Change doesn't have to be ugly.
Just remember, you're hurting and deserve some grace and space. Consider what YOU want, and YOUR feelings.
Oh my goodness, I was truly
Oh my goodness, I was truly lost before I registered on this site. I pray a lot but it's nice to have somebody or somebodies that can relate or help me to address this ongoing situation. I have gone overboard angry in the past and with the helpful hints here and my childrens support I've been able to address it calmly taking a little bit of everything I've got from here to appriach this situation. And left the conversation with please understand in order for me to heal and feel better is by you accepting this is mainly your fault as their father and accepting that I will no longer buy and provide for them. We are family and do a lot together and will continue that without the extra money, gifts and expenses on my part. I just want to be strong enough and not feel mean when I say no and when I don't do.