Mom is doing the right thing by sharing those things with dad. She isn't obligated to do the same with you. She doesn't ever have to include, speak to or acknowledge you at all.

It's your husband's responsibility to keep you in the loop, not mom's. The fact that she includes dad, is being respectful to you and isn't trying to destroy your relationship with SD speaks volumes about her as a BM/exwife.

This "friendship" that you think you have with BM, that does not include your DH at times (even when it has to do with his own daughter) is going to explode.

Sounds like your "relationship" with BM is only useful when BM wants it to be. I honestly think you're setting yourself up for hurt by being so involved but that's me though. It took two (BM and DH) to make that kid so you can't expect them to share everything with you. And if she's anything like the BM I deal with she's playing you; she's being nice to you so you don't think anything of her "special moments" she's sharing with your DH on the down low. Better watch that one

unfortunately for you BM doesnt have to share things with you i know it sucks but thats life...you should be thankful that she is even sharing with your DH as some of us dont even have that luxury

Stop being so considerate of her. I can understand where you are coming from. Seems you're good enough to take care of her kid but not enough to show the same consideration. As others have said, she isn't obligated to but that's not the point. Youre just asking to be shown the same consideration you show her. Since she doesn't, I'd pull way back on this "friendship"

But the OP isn't taking care of the kid FOR BM. Anything she does during husband's time is for him. She's babysitting and driving the kid kid around to accommodate dad, not mom.

It honestly seems kind of weird/crespy that a SM wants to be buddy buddy with BM. If the tables were turned, people would be telling the OP to keep BM at a distance and make sure strong boundaries are in place.

It appears that mom understands that you all are not friends, but it's in daughter's best interest for the two of you to have a "working relationship". So she's polite to you, but keeps the parenting stuff between her and made. Sounds like a very reasonable plan of action.

I don't think it's a bad thing for a sm and bm to be close. I am extremely fond of my ss' bm. It was always a civil relationship but has blossomed over the years. Our families' have celebrated Christmas Eve together for 20 years, ever since my first husband --ss' dad--died. On the other hand, my sd's mom is so toxic that I have barely even had a conversation with her. It really depends on the individuals involved.

...sounds like your expectations out of the relationship with bm are more than she is willing to entertain. It sounds like you rank with her, the status of a babysitter...someone who is with her child, (that she did not choose)...her ex did. the relationship you have with her is only in existence because it is triangulated through your dh, and also, your sd. If it wasn't for either of them...would you have any contact with her?...probably not. You are associated by a third party who has a relationship with her... it sounds like you want more intimacy with her, more acknowledgment of the role you play, and the importance of it...but she is not there to validate your role in the family...

Yes, you are with her child a lot..(because your husband needs help to watch his child...not her...as hard as it may be to hear...perhaps you expect something from this woman that is not her obligation to fulfill...the deeper question is, what need are you trying to get her to fulfill in you? Is it realistic?

Your babysitting services are not rendered from her...if they were...she would probably be paying you for them...and that would be all...no extra pics, any kind of deeper intimacy int he relationship..nothing more...She probably has tolerance at this stage, because it suits her to...Once the child is grown, or can fend for herself...the bm's motive will transform, and she will not longer have any use for your services...then you will feel used and abandoned by her because she never reciprocated the relationship.

A relationship is between two people who have a mutual desire to be involved with each other...At this point...she hasn't mutually decided anything...You were not her choice..

i get it that a lot of sm's feel unappreciated (because we are)...for everything we do...any side benefit the bm receives (like someone to watch, feed, relate to, support, empathize with her children)...is like a "free gift with purchase" when the dh got a new spouse. We do it for the dh...not the bm...

It would be grand if bm's and sm's could co-exist with mutual respect for each other...and in some cases they do. It takes two emotionally mature people to pull it off...and usually that is not the case coming from the "divorced" pool...the inability to resolve issues, communicate through problems and deal with life successfully are the elements that keep a marriage together...

I think you are setting yourself up by making bm the resource of validating your importance as a person....Do not give her the power to dis-empower you...whether or not she includes you in the dynamics of a real relationship...should not "make you feel" less than...well...anything...Be your own person...Make the choices you do based on whether you choose to do it or not...do not wait for anyone else's validation to become the awesome you...you were created to be.

Being left out does not sound like a new role...it sounds like you were never "in" to begin with...and that's ok...you do not have to be...do not make that the key to your happiness..a lot of people focus on what they are not in life and sell themselves short by not focusing on what they are....What you focus on, you empower....peace

Good comment -- usually that is not the case coming from the "divorced" pool...the inability to resolve issues, communicate through problems and deal with life successfully are the elements that keep a marriage together. The odds of having a good relationship with BM are low from the start. So in your case you are lucky.

I'd marry my DH if I had to do it again. But One thing I'd tell any stepmom going in is that 1) you will never have a typical marriage and 2) that relationship with stepkids can change overnight. I got along with stepkids when they were little. Didn't have much to do with BM. Stepkids are now adults and relationship has changed for the worse not better. You'd think it would be easier as adults. Really odd things can come up that have nothing to do with you that can make stepkids write you off. Stuff there is no way you'd ever could see. BM got divorced from her second husband, was then alone, and stepkids went from seeing me as OK dad's wife to allout being in the way. It only made sense in their minds that now BM was available, she could get back together with their dad if it wasn't for me. All sorts of odd stuff like that came come up out of the blue that have nothing to do with you yourself but you will bear the brunt of any venom.

If it lasts long enough and you feel left out, that is when for your own security and sanity you may need to disengage. I love my stepkids and always will but some of these mind games and your in one day and out the next can just be too much to take. US is childcentered now. Children don't care what their parents think, and biodads are almost made out to be villans just as much as stepmoms. So kids have no problem going after stepmom unjustified even though it might hurt dad.

I'd be counting my lucky stars if I were you.... that you have a working relationship with BM.
Many don't. From personal experience, I would much rather a BM that was willing to text and ask questions and send pictures of Christmas presents to DH. What we have instead is a very hostile BM that the courts have told can only communicate through an online website because she has harrassed our household so much.
And personally, I'm friends with couples and have both the husband's and wife's number (and in one case the teenage dqughter that just moved out of their house to college). I text all three of them different things for different reasons-even if I think they might be together.
You are being too sensitive in my opinion, and will cause a problem where there is none.