Can any time be for just the girlfriend and me?
Hi All - It's been a while.
The GF and her ex husband have a joint custody agreement, whereby she - meaning we - have the kid every other week and his father has him every other week. The kid is seven. During the weeks his father has him, the girlfriend always squeezes in an extra visit one night or so. While I would prefer an uninterrupted break from the kid, I understand she is his mother and misses him. Note that his father very rarely requests these non-custody week visits. Almost never.
For Thanksgiving, he was supposed to be with his father, however he requested to be with us because his father is a vegan and wouldn't get any turkey. I had agreed enthusiastically and was ready to give the boy a great Holiday, however his father stepped in and made a big deal that it was his week, etc.
The GF then started suggesting that we have the kid over Friday for leftovers. As for Friday, I had long ago suggested that the two of us take the day off from work and spend it ALONE together and enjoy a relaxing day before the onslaught of the Holidays. Note that I work every Saturday and will likely be working some Sundays as well until after Christmas, so she well could have done something with him Saturday.
Long and short, she kept pushing for this Friday thing and I kept trying to drop subtle hints that I preferred to spend the day, kid free. Now I get it that it's her kid and she wants him all the time, but I had really looked forward to this just being the two of us. It all came to a head this morning and we are on the verge of breaking up.
Any insights here would be greatly appreciated.
We have multiple
We have multiple turkeys/Thanksgivings right now. Seriously, it must be karma to make up for the decades of never cooking turkey ... this year I have to cook two turkeys and then have leftovers.
Protect your space and time and investment in your GF/SO. Apparently your GF is focused on herself, her kid, her holiday time, whatever. She is just not hearing your suggestions, your carefully worded comments. Subtlety is lost on her myopic vision right now. Come right out and state what YOU need, what you think your relationship requires. Stand by your words but offer compromise if possible.
As the step mom in a similar
As the step mom in a similar situation.. I HATE when BM sneaks in visits during our week. I just feel like it is our time to connect with SS7 and we never try to sneak in on her time. Don't be subtle, just tell her honestly. I am sure you aren't the only one it bothers.
I'd just flat out say it
I'd just flat out say it personally... It works with my wife but I try not to abuse it. But for big deals to me (like a promised date night (as we call them)) I would definitely just be blunt.
Say, "damn, I was really looking forward to our day together before we get pulled apart for the holiday hours at work. Is there something we (say we, not you) can do?"
"We" doesn't sound as much like an attack as "you".
Oh come on Echo and Sueu2.
Oh come on Echo and Sueu2. Most Stepmoms would be pissed if this was their BM. There would be complaints about how she's always catering to her precious son. A seven year old saying he doesn't want to go to Dads because he won't get turkey. Too bad sunshine, eat the tofu and wait till you get home to have have turkey!
Good for Dad stepping up and saying no this is my time and he'll have to live without turkey.
And as for her having her son on Dad's time, you also know that doesn't fly around here either.
Searcher66, don't pussy foot around. Sit down and talk to her. Tell her that you want some time with her and that it's a good thing for her son to spend time with his father. You understand that she misses him but you'd like to do things together so that she doesn't miss him as much.
Really? What would you say
Really?
What would you say if this was BM, saying my BF wants me to give up my time with my son, I have 50/50, one week on and one week off but I still take him at least one night when it's Dads week and BF doesn't understand why I want him with me.
BS7 is supposed to go to his Dads for Tgiving but Dad is a vegan and BS wants turkey so I said come on Friday, even though it's Dads week, and BF is now acting all pissy and grumpy.
Would you still give the same advice? Would you tell her that BF is being selfish and she should find someone who understands how important it is that she spend time with her son. Even on Dads time? That BF should understand that the world doesn't revolve around him and that he should suck it up?
In my opinion the answer
In my opinion the answer shouldnbe same.
Why should/would the response change based on the hat the poster wears?
If I were thenmom in this situation, I would have made the same choice. I wouldn't given up time with my child. However, I would be willing to use a vacation day during dad's week to spend a day with BF. That way he and I both get what we want.
If he isn't willing to do that, then this isn't about having quality one on one time.
Stop with the subtle hints.
Stop with the subtle hints. Be direct. Daddy's kid time is dedicated couples time for you and your SO. You need to enforce this and your GF needs to gain clarity on this quickly.
My bride and I struggled with this though our situation was notably different in that my bride was the CP and the Sperm Idiot had ~7wks of visitation per year. 5wks summer, 1wk+/- winter, 1wk spring. For the first few years of our marriage my bride would get very depressed when the Skid was on SpermLand visitation particularly when I would suggest that we take a vacation during those times. I finally had to stop with the subtle and not so subtle hints and inform her of what we WERE doing.
For about a year she grumbled about vacations without the kid but I did not relent and she began to enjoy the time for just us or for non-kid time with friends. So, knock it off with the hints, subtle or otherwise, and tell her. Explain why, explain that you both need dedicated couple time together and the joint custody schedule is the perfect opportunity for that to happen. Tell her what you will be doing together, when, and do not take no for an answer.
It worked for us. It also helped with our transition to empty nester status when SS-23 joined the USAF at 18. We had been married for 16 years at that point and had learned to enjoy our dedicated time together when SS was visiting the SpermClan. Don't get me wrong. We both missed him when he was on visitation, if we did something that we thought he would enjoy we often did it again when he was with us. The three of us remain very close. Close to the point that in April of this year my son called and informed me he wanted for me to adopt him. Adult adoption is not a difficult process, at least it isn't in Texas when you have the right attorney , and we made that happen in 4 days start to finish. Now he has our family name, I am on his re-issued birth certificate, and we all three enjoy any time we get to have together.
Most notable is that his mom and I are loving our empty nester international expat adventure.... guilt free.
Good luck.