SD can't stand me, and I don't want to go to holiday dinners at her house
Well, that time of year is almost here again, that oh-so-jolly time of getting together at holiday dinners with our spouses and their adult children.
Last year on Thanksgiving I learned for sure something I had only suspected before--that dh's daughter can't stand me and she's not afraid to show it.
Last year was the year of the Giant TV Fiasco, which started it all. (There are some threads around here about that whole ridiculous situation. https://www.steptalk.org/node/209259)
Anyway, my dh told me a couple of weeks ago that his daughter is putting on a Thanksgiving dinner for "the family" the weekend before Thanksgiving. He didn't say that his daughter specifically invited me, and I'll bet she didn't. Dh just assumes that I'm invited.
I told him that I don't plan to go, that even though I'll be civil if she happens to stop over here to see him, I have no desire to go to her house to socialize.
Dh is all sad because "spouses should go together", but I'm staying home. Why on earth would I want to go where I'm not wanted? I'll enjoy myself much better here by myself.
Dh keeps telling me to let bygones be bygones, which I have, as much as possible, but that still doesn't mean I want to go to her house to have dinner.
Anybody else get grief from dh's who want everybody to be one big happy family at the holidays?
No, their mother lives out of
No, their mother lives out of state.
I've already posted about my
I've already posted about my holiday issue. I'm hosting dinner for DH's family a couple of weeks before Christmas. DH has four married siblings - all lovely people. His parents are deceased.
DH asked if he could invite SS30 and his pregnant GF. I said no. We didn't fight about it, but DH was all pouty for a few days.
SS is an alcoholic with a long history of domestic violence and rages. I honestly do not think he would cause a scene at dinner - but I just do not want him in my life at all. Plus DH's siblings despise SS (for many good reasons).
But I just said no - I did not go on about SS being such a POS.
Yup, we'll be going through a
Yup, we'll be going through a similar thing at Christmas. We usually host dh's adult children over here on Christmas Eve, but I'm not planning on doing that this year. Dh can go to his daughter's house like he did last year. I wasn't invited then, and I'm not planning to host anything this year.
I'm not planning to be invited over to her house this year on Christmas Eve either, and I wouldn't go even if I was invited.
SS has never invited DH or
SS has never invited DH or myself to come over for anything. Now that was understandable when he was couch surfing at various drug dens. But's he's now supposedly cleaned up his act and is living a "normal" life with his GF.
When I was 30 (and even younger) I invited my family over for meals - it was usually something easy and cheap like spaghetti but I was still hospitable. I have many fond memories of living in tiny apartments and having my parents and maybe even a couple of aunts and uncles over for dinner.
Do what you want to do and
Do what you want to do and what you will be comfortable with. This year I asked my husband if he was making plans with his side of the family....I don't do functions with his side of the family due to the support they have given my SSs and rejected me and my daughters. He was uncertain. The very next day we got an invitation from a friend that invited us to their house and we decided this is what we are going to do this year. We are not spending it with family, no separation, no hard feelings.
Sounds like a very peaceful
Sounds like a very peaceful plan! I can relate 110%. It's unfortunate for all the BS we SM's have to endure when at the end of the day all we lol for is to be treated like a human being--I didn't realize that being @civil" and trading people as you'd expect to be treated would be regarded as a joke or above others value system. I find it awful reading these threads on how SC get away with their unacceptable and I humane behavior!! It's also unfortunate that the DH have a great deal to do with this very behavior as they chose to "turn their cheek" in attempt to "letting bygones be bygones" mentality. Ridiculous. I find it totally unacceptable behavior and I pray for you and everyone posting "like" situations here much peace and humility within yourselves to overcome the very BS many of us have to endure daily and also during the holiday season.
I know I will be praying for myself in attempt to getting through busting my SD30/husband and baby mid December. I haven't seen her since my DH were married last December 19 (which SD30 and his other daughter did not attend our wedding). Anyway, this brief 3-day trip across the country ought to be interesting at best! Many prayers and mind set of taking the high road in the midst of being treated as an outsider to their liking and also wanting nothing to do with my children on any level (no photos of them are to be placed in my DH Facebook page for them to see, no conversations about my kids, and zero interaction with my kids). My DH advised that holiday cards to his kids will only have our names. My kids names are not to be included as he said" it would be shoving my kids in their adult faces! All this to endure while trying to protect my kids from learning if such contempt for them is very heartbreaking.
But hey, that being said, good luck surviving the holidays, and I hope you can find the peace and joy you so deserve!
Best regards,
That your DH would continue a
That your DH would continue a relationship with anyone who treated his bride the way SD has treated you would be a deal breaker for me were I you. His spawn or not, SD is toxic, evil, and should be destroyed. Figuratively of course, unless she oversteps and assaults you. In that case, her destruction should be literal.
Stick to your guns, do not interface with the toxic stepspawn and keep the message in front of your DH that until he gets her under control, she adjusts her behavior, and approaches you to apologize with humility and full accountability and acceptance of her past bullshit that she will never again have a place in your life in any way, shape, or form.
Do not discuss it with him... tell him.
Enjoy your holidays.
Were you writing this to me,
Were you writing this to me, or to the person who posted after me?
I'm just wondering because dh's daughter has NEVER apologized for all the terrible things she told me, including that I was to "shut up" because she "didn't want to hear any shit from me", or something like that.
She also told my dh that *I* was the one who had "mental problems", that I was "jealous of her", etc.
That's such a hoot! I've never met a louder, more coarse, bitchy-and-proud-of-it woman than her. I certainly wouldn't want to be anything like her. She has NOTHING that I would want.
I agree. "Just say no." If
I agree. "Just say no." If you tell DH you don't 'want' to go it gives him the impression you can be manipulated into another adventure in masochism.
You know how we all bend over
You know how we all bend over backwards trying to keep the peace, make things nice for our dh's adult children, etc.?
Well, how about this one? Dh has a daughter and a son. When their mother moved across the country, we actually felt bad for them because they always did holidays with her, and used to invite the daughter and son and grandson to join us at my sister's house for the holidays (where we always go). We tried to make them feel very welcome and included--and then she turns around and pulls last year's stunt.
Needless to say, they won't EVER be invited to a holiday gathering on my side of the family again. Dh's son is fine, but his daughter---she is extremely hard to take in anything but tiny doses, and I'm glad my family won't be subjected to her again.
You know how we all bend over
You know how we all bend over backwards trying to keep the peace, make things nice for our dh's adult children, etc.?
No, no I don't.
LOVE IT!!! Thanks for the
LOVE IT!!! Thanks for the laugh for the day. LOL LOL
Avoiding shit should be a
Avoiding shit should be a year round activity - not just saved for the holidays.
dup
dup
Last night when out for
Last night when out for skid(20) b-day meal at a restaurant, (the only reason I go to any outing at a restaurant that involves skid is for my MIL who is the nicest lady in the world and she has no idea what a brat her grandson is), DH mentions that we should host Christmas eve family get together this year even though it is his sister's turn this year.
I reminded him that it is his sister's turn this year and he got all hostile and defensive. I told him that I am working the 24th and it isn't a good idea, the other factor I did not bring up at the table and remind DH of is that I will not have skid over to dinner until I have a sincere heartfelt apology from him that I have been waiting for since early March.
If he goes ahead with inviting his everyone over and his son, I will be going out of town that night to my sister's for a couple of days.
I hate the holidays ever since I have became a step mom. Go figure.
husbands are always such
husbands are always such cowardly suck ups who want us to put our dignity aside out of their own guilt so they can have a feel go moment.
if you want to go then go. otherwise stay at home and leave them to their time together.
"Anybody else get grief from
"Anybody else get grief from dh's who want everybody to be one big happy family at the holidays?" Yup.
Last night ss26 and grandskids came over after 4 months of not seeing them; they live 10 mins away. DH brought up Thanksgiving plans and ss26 says he is busy the entire week having dinners and parties at diff family members/friends houses. DH said, "We'll just wait until you're free then we'll have our Thanksgiving." I have 2 boys here and thought how unfair it was for them to not have Thanksgiving. They'd go back to school from their break and still be waiting to have Thanksgiving. I piped in, "OR we can get together and have a 'left-over' dinner, whenever you're free." Dh looked lost, widdle skiddie was not jerking him around making him wait for that dribble of affection. Later I told DH that I have decided that we WOULD be having a Thanksgiving meal ON Thanksgiving at our home. If anyone wants to bring a dish and join us they can. Skids/DH are not going to wishy washy dictate when/if me and my children celebrate.
If family is really that important to ss's they'd make time for their own father in their "busy" holiday schedules. Sorry DH, the "one big happy family" dissolved long ago and I'm not gonna be jerked around.
"OR we can get together and
"OR we can get together and have a 'left-over' dinner, whenever you're free." Good for you!!! There have been several posts lately about DHs leaving SMs at home while they celebrate holidays with adult skids. Absolutely ridiculous! Can not fathom why this is allowed. You and your kids are DH's immediate family now, and should be his top priority. Just ask SS26 who he considers members of his immediate family, and I'll bet his first response will be his wife and small kids. DH is part of his extended family - not SS's top priority..
Well, off my dh went to an
Well, off my dh went to an early Thanksgiving at his daughter's house tonight. I'm just enjoying the nice, quiet evening here at home.