skinflint
ifsome of you recall, dh spent about a hundred dollars on me for anniversary gift saying he had to save money because his parents needed money for medical expenses. they spent everything they had on expensive vacations and now have nothing.
ok. i was good with that. but that was until i heard dh spent almost five hundred dollars on sd for sports equipment.
i was livid. now dh is spending money to refurbish a used compact car for his daughter to drive to work. car was totaled car bought at auction for pennies, but getting it drivable will cost about 1000 dollars.
i asked about Christmas as dh again told me parents medical expenses were high and he is paying out for them. i told him i did not want any cheap gifts while sd was given lavish presents.
he flew into a rage and angerly slept in the spare bedroom. withholding affection is a convenient tactic men likethis use. i just laughed at him and told him he was projecting onto me because his skids are grown up and don't want to spend time with him anymore, and hes angry his parents did not save up for their retirement.
stepmother is a great person to blame and convenient to be angry at.
I don't think $100 is
I don't think $100 is necessarily a cheap gift :?
Comprehension isn't good
Comprehension isn't good before that 2nd cup...
precisely!
precisely!
I get your point. It's not
I get your point. It's not about the dollar figure. It's about priorities. It's good he wants to help his parents and his daughter. Fine. But "helping them" does not mean they suddenly get to eclipse all his other priorities. He should help them AS HE'S ABLE while still maintaining his first priorities.
It would be different if the two of you, as a couple, decided to forego Christmas gifts and instead help his parents. Or if you decided, as a couple, to not celebrate this anniversary and instead fix the car. THAT is being in a couple.
This is not.
thank you for the response.
thank you for the response. other posters have entirely missed that its me that he wishes to cut corners on. sd did not need five hundred dollars in sports equipment.
again, i was good with the mil and fil needing money and that things would be tight. then he went and blew half a thousand dollars on sports equipment for sd.
do you see the difference.
i doubt that he will change anything. i came across a letter dh wrote when we first married twenty years ago and he called me his love. now he takes me for granted. the skids are now grow and out from under the influence of bm. i have ceased to be a priority for him and hed rather get his love from his adult children.
a new wife is given fine gifts until the skids grow up. then she is just an old hag needing surgery and cannot walk well.
thank you, luvmypuppy. you
thank you, luvmypuppy. you nailed it. you are so right about this. in reality, its not about money. its about how he makes priorities with everyone except his wife.
You don't say how old SD is,
You don't say how old SD is, but if she is living on her own and working she should be bringing in enough money to support herself. She could possibly save a few dollars while taking public transportation to pay for part or all of the car. Same with the sports equipment. Daddy could possibly loan her the money instead of being so generous with her while limited with you.
When DH and I married he bought me a very cheap wedding ring. I understood because he had just finished chef's school, and was paying for SD's college education. Six months after we got married he was looking for a special ring for SD with an expensive birth stone in it. It didn't set well with me either - especially coupled with the way SD was treating me.
Good for you for bringing the subject up to him instead of wanting him to read your mind and ask why you are hurt. My DH pulls the same thing yours does, going into a rage and withdrawing affection. Like you, after a while this tactic loses steam. I just don't put up with it anymore.
I hope you are not paying for all of the money he is spending on SD and his parents. It's not your fault SD can't afford a car nor is it your fault his parents didn't save up for retirement. If you are, I would separate finances immediately.
lol! when he said he was
lol! when he said he was sleeping on the couch i just let him. i presume he wanted me to beg to come back into our bed like i did when i first got married to him. heck, he could have left the house and would not have cared.
withholding affection is a very passive aggressive act. i ignored him. he snarled that he would not take the lunch for work that i had made for him. i laughed and said he was acting like a child saying he was going to hold his breath until he passed out. in the morning i saw he had taken the lunch. empty threats made by a man with the emotions of a child.
i separated finances about twenty years ago when i bought something for myself out of joint savings. i was working full time and he said, "how much did that cost me?" i immediately set up my own accounts. no way a man is going to tell me how i can or cant spend my own money.
Dh steps in to save the day
Dh steps in to save the day by handing out money to pay for medical expenses that are not his responsibility. So he just relieved his parents of the embarrassment and effort required to contact organizations and fill out forms that would likely pay portions or all of their medical debt based on circumstances.
Who does he think is going to pay your bills that you can't cover because he volunteered to take on that responsibility? If your income was enough to cover your necessary expenses but you chose to give it away, most of these places that would help will refuse.
I've had the same type of arguments with my dh in the past. SD's , ex wife, some of his other family members would foolishly spend then assume he would hand them our bill paying money or run up our debt to help them out. My attitude quickly became "let them lower their standard of living, get a job, or if truely needy then apply for all forms of help they are eligable for."
dh also has a sibling who
dh also has a sibling who lost his job and wont look for a job. he lives on welfare, sleeps in until noon, and spends two hundred dollars on cigarettes. the mans ex drug addict wife also does nothing.
i expect soon that fil and mil will call dh begging for money on behalf of bil. it always happens. a friendly call and chit chat about the weather and then the "by the way" asking for money.
how horrible that your dh
how horrible that your dh "delegated" buying gifts to his daughter. thats a slap in the face. you are right feel insulted.
just as buying cheap gifts for ones wife, it is equally heartless and ignorant to have ones daughter buy a gift for a wife.