Help us save our marriage
Background. I m45 have been married six months to my wife 41f. We have three kids, my 14m, her 15f and 12f. We have lived together for 3 years. I am a disabled military vet with PTSD, she is a RN. Her 12f has PTSD from sexual abuse from a grandparent when 4 years old, an ADHD (not treated).
Most of our problems involve the 12f, my sd. She, to me, has a variety of behaviour issues:
* Singing or making noise constantly.
* Not doing what is asked
* Interupting or talking over
* Trying to get DW attention when we are talking
* Trying to get her sister to give her food off her plate
* Throwing fits when doesn't get her way, usually screaming fits or crying.
* Talking back
* Borrowing things from her sister with out asking, or asking and when not given permission, borrowing it anyway.
Really, to me the only time she is not annoying is when she is on her phone texting or instagraming.
She has a bubbly personality and she is smart, interesting, fun, and even sweet. But she drives me nuts with all the other behavior.
I will own up to the fact that I get really frustrated easily, and when I do she may feel like she cannot do anything right.
The other issue is that my DW is very defensive and often lets me know infront of the kids. Sometimes even undermines.
We have fought over this on many occasions. My DW says that my SD12 should not be the "bane of my exixtance." Or I have been told, I don't know how to parent, or I don't say the right things, or I mumble under my breath. My DW is not a great disciplinarian. She knows that but gets really defensive and takes everything I say personally when it comes to her kids.
Last night we had a fight because I wanted to talk and hash somethings out and she wanted to keep SD15 in the house instead of taking her to her dads, its his week, but she is sick w mono. I said I needed to talk yo her and it might ot be a good idea if the kids are in the house. Everything blew up.
So this is where we are at. I am looking into counselling for us but would really like to hear somethings that have worked for people here. I love my wife and I do not want to break up, but I am at my wits end.
Hey LadyFace, thank you. I
Hey LadyFace, thank you. I think I will do both, ask her to handle it, and remove myself more. I do ask her, especially if I feel its something that should have been trained in her earlier, like when she eats, she constantly smacks outloud. When she does that, I ask my wife on the DL to ask her to stop.
Why no 'treatment' of any
Why no 'treatment' of any kind for SD12? The majority of the child's behavior mannerisms are her ADHD based solely on your given list. Compulsive, poor impulse control ect.
Good question. She was in
Good question. She was in therapy for years for the PTSD and is on zoloft, but my wife is afraid she will be a "zombie" if treated for ADHD. I disagree as my son 14, is on ADHD meds. She says he is really quiet, well he is always quiet even when he is not on meds when school is out. That is his personalty.
I find it hard to tollerate
I find it hard to tollerate because I crave quiet due to my wound-up-tighness from my own PTSD and issues.
I forgot, my DW also says
I forgot, my DW also says that I don't like my SD personality. To me there is a difference between personalities and behaviors.
^^ Like ^^ Okay, I would hit
I think most of us have been
I think most of us have been where you are, so don't give up... you have power to influence the dynamic. Though when you have a laundry list of behaviors (like you typed above), your spouse won't listen. To her it will sound like you just hate the kid.
So if I were you, I would keep the list, but just pick one or two of the most intolerable things and tell your wife you would like to work on those TOGETHER.
Tell her that you really care about the kid's development...she's a young lady now, and for the sake of future relationships and jobs, it's important for her to learn certain skills. Tell her that these TWO behaviors are so unlike your wife's behavior (provided she doesn't make annoying noises, throw fits, etc.) and ask her if she wants her kid to behave as she does now in a future career situation.
Listen to your wife. Ask probing questions. Lead her. Act like you really give a care about the kid's future. Then paint her a picture of how everyone in the house would blend easier if these behaviors would disappear. Tell her you just want her to NOTICE when these behaviors happen over the next week. Then over the next week, help your wife see JUST those two behaviors. Clear your throat, give a glance, do whatever you have to do to get your wife to pay attention. But you also have to IGNORE the other stuff that drives you nuts.
After a week or so, have a conversation with your wife and ask her about what she noticed. Listen. Understand. Empathize. Let your wife know that she has the power to mold her child's behavior. Then switch the conversation to solutions. Watch Supernanny or read a book like 'Have a New Teenager by Friday' and offer your wife some ideas. Ask for her commitment to work on these things WITH YOU. Then work on them together, with you supporting her as she takes the lead. Give lots of praise to both your stepdaughter and your wife as they are both learning new *healthy* behaviors. Then, once these two things are brought under control a bit, start on the next problem.
I know this sounds great in theory, and you might not think it will work in real life, but I've tried a variation of this and it DOES work....maybe not to completely change the kid's behavior, but at least to get on the same page with your partner and light a fire under her behind so that she plays her position -- a PARENT to her damn kid.
Oh, and counseling helps a ton...if she's willing to go with you.
Blayze, you have some goods
Blayze, you have some goods nuts and bolts here. Thank you so much. I will definitely try some of these strategies and get the book.
It seems to me that you are
It seems to me that you are not far from joint clarity on an effective partnership in establishing and enforcing behavioral standards in your home. Rather than focusing your frustration on your SD12, try engaging with your bride on establishing behavioral standards for your home and partnering to enforce those standards. You are both, or at least both should be, equity life partners in your relationship and that means you are both equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology.
Try shifting focus on the standards you will both hold true in your home. Address Skid bahvior from there rather than focusing on what is irritating you with a specific Skid.
Part of this may be a clarity session with your bride to give her the message that "If you don't like how I parent and discipline children in our home, step up and get it done before I have to."
As I said. I think that you are very close to being in the right place with your bride on this. Shift to behaviors and away from focus on SD12 ought to get you where you need do be.
This worked well for my bride and I in raising my Skid. I became dad(dy) to SS-23 when his mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo. It took us a few years to arrive at the equity parent household behavioral standards model and once we arrived at this model we were and effective mom and dad parenting team to our son.
It also minimized related tensions between my bride and I. Sure, we had the occassional disconnect and disagreement but focusing on and enforcing a common vision of behavioral standards for kids in our home minimized the common Sparent/BioParent disagreements and keeps kids in their lane and reduces manipulation opportunities.
Give it a try.
Good luck.
Part of this may be a clarity
Part of this may be a clarity session with your bride to give her the message that "If you don't like how I parent and discipline children in our home, step up and get it done before I have to."
Tried that already. Blew up in my face.
My DH is diagnosed ADHD and
My DH is diagnosed ADHD and is on meds. He is NOT a zombie. He is not so quick-tempered, not as argumentative and can focus better which makes him FEEL better.
Maybe see if your DW would try meds for a set time frame...like a month or two? And then re-evaluate? Or try to find some kind of support/parenting group that teaches how to deal with ADHD through diet modifications if she absolutely refuses the meds route.
Counseling would definitely help. No matter who is the parent of which kid, the undermining should NOT be happening.
A trial is actually a really
A trial is actually a really good idea. Thank you!