Help with 2 SD and DW dynamic.
I am at my wits end with current issues involving my DW41, and my two SDs, 12 (13 in April) and 15.5. We half them half time. Which in some ways is a blessing. When we do have them I feel disrespected, ignored, overlooked. Basically I feel they really do not want me around. And by they, I mean including my DW.
We have a good relationship when the kids are no around or they are in their own rooms sleeping. When they are with us they are constantly talking to my DW. Girls are talkative I get that, they also have the need to catch up, I get that as well. What I don’t get though, is that when I try to talk to my wife, 9 times out of ten I get interrupted. And it’s never anything important.
The almost 13y o also always has to hold her mother’s hand, so if I want to hold my wife’s hand we have to be 3 wide. That is ok sometimes, but what happens on a smaller sidewalk or isle? The sidewalk going into our church narrows from the paking lot, into a 3 foot path, so guess who ended up walking in the grass? Sometimes I feel like we only get to be a couple every other week.
When I bring this up to my DW she says that I am jealous. Well no kidding, I don’t have immediate access to her and can get away with talking to her about anything that enters my head. “Look – Squirrel…”
We have started counseling for this and other issues. I hope I can last through the holidays to work this out. I’ve just had it.
My wife says things like “my kids shouldn’t be all of your problems.” Well it’s not the kids to me, it’s that she isn’t aware and lets them do it. Or I also get “I’m tired of my kids being an issue.”
I love my wife. She is my best friend. I want to work this out, I’m just worn out.
What do I do?
I have corrected them. Often
I have corrected them. Often my DW gets defensive.
Oh I have left to get a beer
Oh I have left to get a beer or go bowling... Yeah eventually I'm going to be a lush. And I'm never worried about kids liking me. My job as a parent isn't to be a friend. I'm trying to prepare them for adulthood. I just shouldn't feel like the 4th wheel when we do spend time all together.
"I'm trying to prepare them
"I'm trying to prepare them for adulthood."
YEP. I am on your side.
Hope your DW is too!
I brought this up with my DP (again, for the 10th time) just over a week ago and he thought it was FUNNY. Because who knows why SDs need to know how to clean dishes, pick up after themselves, learn to lock a door...?
So I stopped helping with anything.
Oh, and you like beer? I think you'll see, or have seen, a tendency to beer, drinks and wine enjoying here by many members...
The SDs are old enough to
The SDs are old enough to know better on all counts.
I'm surprised the 13 yo is still wanting to hold her mother's hand.
That says a lot - are they in any way independent? Or does your DW make a lot of the decisions for them and cater to their wants whenever?
My DP was like this, and still is to some extent.
1) SD12 grew out of the hand holding about age 10.
2) SD12 can interrupt like crazy. So when my requests for her to wait were met with scorn on her part, I just stopped talking. Done. Silence for the rest of the meal. This works. DP now can see it and SD12 starts interrupting HIM. She only does it when we are all together, never just me and her. It's a power thing. Don't react. Stop talking. Walk away. Do your own thing.
Therapy should help, good that your are doing that.
And BTW: you are funny! That will help you survive! "...squirrel..." LOL. Too hilarious.
Thank you. the 13 yo is a bit
Thank you. the 13 yo is a bit different, and not very independent. Neither of them is really, but especially not her. She does have PTSD from being molested. I suppose that is background I should have included in the OP. But no, anything you ask them to do is met with needing help. I think you are on to it though. It is power.
My DW does not make a lot of decisions for them anymore. But did for a long time. When she was first divorced I think there was a lot of catering. But I think the not reacting and walking away to breathe, that is a great idea.
Hopefully therapy will help
Hopefully therapy will help your wife see that her allowing these behaviors is a problem. She is teaching her daughters that this is how relationships work, and it isn't. I also think it's weird that the 13 yo wants to hold hands--is she seriously immature or developmentally delayed?
I have dealt with similar issues.
The "left behind" at the mall or wherever I have mostly solved by slowly falling back, and if I remain unnoticed, I just go off on my own and do my own thing. I am the driver 99% of the time, so they can't leave me, they just have to wait until I turn up again or they find me.
Interrupting is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. I stop talking when I get interrupted. I will stay silent until the offender is gone. If I get interrupted again, I stay silent longer. DH used to ask me why I never talked when the skids were here...finally after explaining to him multiple times that if I didn't try to talk, I couldn't get interrupted, then I wouldn't get angry about being interrupted, he started to deal with the interrupting behavior. I assume that the skids are allowed to interrupt constantly at BMs house, because they don't seem to learn to not do it, and get huffy when they have to wait to talk.
It is your wife's responsibility to make sure you don't have reason to feel jealous when your SDs are there. You're grown, you understand she is going to spend time with her kids, but she should spend some time on you too. She needs to show her daughters what a couple looks like (holding hands with you, talking to you, sitting next to you).
Good luck! And as others have stated you'll find that beer, wine, and other beverages are one of the most often used coping mechanisms around here!
"Hopefully therapy will help
"Hopefully therapy will help your wife see that her allowing these behaviors is a problem. She is teaching her daughters that this is how relationships work, and it isn't. I also think it's weird that the 13 yo wants to hold hands--is she seriously immature or developmentally delayed?"
She was sexually abused at 4 years old. She has been diagnosed with PTSD. But I do not think she should be coddled if my DW ever expects her to be a functioning adult. I was also abused, but much more violently and for my entire childhood. I also have PTSD but from the military. I am not too codependent, I like affection but I have lived many years on my own. I was never coddled.
"Interrupting is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. I stop talking when I get interrupted. I will stay silent until the offender is gone. If I get interrupted again, I stay silent longer. DH used to ask me why I never talked when the skids were here...finally after explaining to him multiple times that if I didn't try to talk, I couldn't get interrupted, then I wouldn't get angry about being interrupted, he started to deal with the interrupting behavior. I assume that the skids are allowed to interrupt constantly at BMs house, because they don't seem to learn to not do it, and get huffy when they have to wait to talk."
It's a huge pet peeve of mine as well. I don't talk much, I'm your strong silent type. So when I do talk I have something to say and I need to be heard. I have recently stopped talking and walked away. But it doesn't matter. My reaction, regardless if confrontational or passive, is criticized by my DW. She takes all of my reactions as an affront to her kids. Or a criticism of her parenting. She has told me it's hard for her to take because she believes that she was put on this earth to be a parent of these two girls. Personally I think she is way too soft and she knows I feel that way. These two girls barely have to contribute to the cleaning of the house, and often when asked to help, they always have excuses.
Time for more bourbon...
One of the battlegrounds
One of the battlegrounds you're up against (like all of us)..is the culture this family has established before you came into the picture...You are the "outsider" who married into OUR family...You also bring with you the culture you learned from your born into family. "The way we do things"...it is all they know..it is pre dispositioned, as is yours. Theirs is plan "A"...Yours is plan "B"...none of your realize there is a plan"C"....(hopefully you hooked up with a great counselor, and your DW is willing to learn along with you...( I am not trying to be condescending)...It is what we don't know that we don't know...is the key to moving forward.
The other battleground is the baggage you brought with you from your previous journey through life to this point...(as well as your DW's)...But reality is...You cannot force another person to deal with their own stuff...that has to come from many trips around the mountain,,,the pain of pre established life patterns that don't work...the ones we keep repeating over and over and over again.....
But...the good new is..you CAN do the work on yourself to learn what your core beliefs are telling you and why...Which ones are lies...and those are usually the one that drive your decision making process...Like..Why would you choose a woman who doesn't have any respect for you? do you have any respect for yourself? Why not? i would start there...perhaps your counselor will know someone who specializes in uncovering abandonment, shame and betrayal issues...(they live deep inside of our hearts...created by trauma, or abuse, or parents failing to meet our emotional needs as young children)..this stuff quietly resides in our core...Sometimes so quietly...we cannot tell it is even there at all...But the symptoms do not lie...Why do we choose people we know are going to throw us under the bus when given the opportunity? Who does that? Why do we need people who do not want us at their parties or events, or get togethers...Why do we still want to attend...it's stupid. Why do we tolerate emotional and mental abuse from these people? just because it is all they know?
I get that...it is all they know...but why do we stay? Why do we need it? it is called co-dependency..and when you are co-dependent on such unhealthy people...you are in trouble...Because the only way to survive the toxic poison they are dishing out is to absolutely abandon yourself as a person...Please don't allow that to happen...I was addicted to my step kids acceptance of me like a crack addict...i almost disappeared completely...trying to be what their starving underdeveloped emotional appetites required...It was never enough...
I never saw it coming...The symptoms and signs were all there...they were just masked over by false accusations that somehow it was "me" that was the issue...I bought it hook line and sinker...I gave them all the power...the authority to speak into my identity such abusive life sucking attitudes and abuse projected form their brokenness.. into me...the only reason I became their scapegoat is because I did not have the healthy boundaries in place to stop it..
The work it takes to discover the authentic you...the real you..who you were created to be and why your purpose is...is not a 50 yard dash..it is a marathon..It took me three years to finally stand on my own two feet..alone...I couldn't wait for my dh to get it (because he still hasn't)... your core beliefs drive EVERYTHING about you...most people are not even aware of what their core beliefs are telling them because they have not taken the time to investigate it for themselves....and no one can do that work for you...but you.
You have to go deep sea diving into your own custom made make-up as a person. most people are not interested in deep sea diving..They just want to "snorkel" their way through life. It never seems like the right time...But you, as a person, are worth the investment...because quite frankly, I have watched people go to their grave never "getting it"...(they say you can't take it with you and that includes your baggage...by the time you die..you will have handed it down to the next generation...only to repeat the same way of doing life...)... and, if you fall into the trap of waiting for her to get it ..you may wait your whole married career (like I did)..for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!
i am a patient person..but geez...nothing was changing...and I was at my wit's end...battered and bruised by their bad road map (and mine) on how to do life...all I can say is...it was worth it and is still worth it....three years later...I can never return to what they know or what i knew...I am still married to dh...i just used the pain of it all to steer me in the right direction...Don't waste your pain...use it as fuel to get you started on your path to freedom...peace
(One of these days I will learn how to write a shorter response...but today...is not that day).
"To the OP, now that you've
"To the OP, now that you've mentioned the 13 year old having been abused, it reminded me of something. My SO's niece, now 19, was, sadly abused by her stepfather at about 12. He was caught and prosecuted, and now lives far away. I only met her a couple of years ago, but was instantly struck by how immature and clingy she is for a 19 year old. She is pretty, intelligent and popular, but she has utterly no ambition but to stay with her mother at all times, to only get a simple job and live at home when she could be going off to university and becoming an independent adult. I asked her why she has no ambition and she says she is just "scared of life". So sad, but this could also be a factor at play with the 13 yr old in your life."
She is definitely anxious. But I was abused for far longer and have PTSD as well. I just never was allowed to use it as an excuse. She has had this as an excuse for 8 or 9 years now. Regardless of life’s mishaps, kids still need to be prepared to be independent adults.