BFs 21 daughter is selfish and manipulative/how do I not let it bother me?!
I have been with my BF for 7 years. 4 years ago, we moved in together; we are not married. I have 2 sons with my ex. They have their moments, but they are humble, kind, generous, thoughtful, helpful, just really decent human beings. My BF has a 21 year old daughter who is an only child. Over the years, I have watched my BF have this co-dependent and unhealthy relationship with his daughter. She is away in college for now, so things are reasonably calm, but when she is around, the energy is bad. Prior to her leaving for college, he was constantly up her ass, always wanting to know what she was doing, who she was with, when she was coming over. He is overbearing and can be unreasonable. He can also be totally indulgent and she is definitely spoiled. The BM and Dad never say no to anything no matter how extravagant, well actually they did say no to the sweet 16, 5 day cruise the BM wanted to give her and a bunch of her friends. I said "are you out of your mind?" and my BF agreed it was nonsense. They BMs family is wealthy, but the BM doesn't have a pot to piss in. He will give her whatever she wants with almost no exceptions. He and his ex broke up after she cheated with a contractor and he then strayed as well. The Mom has gotten a DWI and still drinks. He struggles with bipolar disorder and anger issues, I found out after we moved in together, which has created an unreal amount of stress.
She has never been warm toward me despite my trying to have a relationship with her. I realized very quickly once we moved in together that it wasn't going to be good. He never expected her to contribute around the house to chores and she never offered. She would take our kitchen glasses, flatware, dishes, laundry baskets to her BM house and not return them. When I made a stink, I was told that I should act like a grown woman, she is only a kid. He expected everyone to be quiet so she could do her HW in the kitchen even though she had her own room with a desk. He said, "I don't want Al to feel isolated". My BF has never backed me up...I mean never. He would get incensed if I ever said anything about Al. He would call me out and get angry with me in front of Al, so over time, Al never learned to respect me or care for me. She doesn't need anything from me, so she doesn't care about me or our relationship. I have tried to do things over the years to change the way she feels, but nothing has worked. My kids don't want to be around her, especially my older son who left for college this fall. He doesn't want anything to do with her and her "antics" as he calls them. I have tried to stay focused on my children, but it is hard when things happen to not get frustrated with the entire situation. I watch her manipulate him. If he gets angry at her as he did this summer when she was being a major bitch, she left and wouldn't speak to him and she knows this hurts him. She will withhold her affection and love until he goes crawling back to her, even when it is Al who should apologize. She does well in school and that is really all he expects from her. He boasts about her grades to me, yet she doesn't speak to me, so why do I have to care. She was home from school the entire summer, but only ate at home one single time. She stayed away with friends or at her Mom's. I should be happy, but my BF said it is because of me. I don't make her feel welcome. I don't do anything except keep to myself when she is here so there are no fights with either her or her Dad. I can't win.
The latest is that she is going to study abroad in Italy now, the one place I said I loved and the place I said I would love to someday retire to. I feel like she doesn't have ONE original thought or idea. Why does she have to pick the one place I love?! I have such disdain for her (and lately her Dad too as we are struggling to keep it together), that I don't want her to be associated with this place that I love. My son calls her "smart-stupid". She doesn't have the confidence to make her own decisions. She lacks confidence, she follows what everyone else does and she has low-self esteem. I love riding my racing bike (and cycled through Italy), she decided she wanted a bike and to start riding. After her Dad bought her tons of stuff for this new hobby, she was done. I love Italy, she now wants to study there. Her roommate wants to go to law school, now she wants to go to law school. Should I care about any of this?! I don't want to, but I do.
You actually sound more like
You actually sound more like a SD than a parent. Why do I have to be happy for her? I don't like her. She is snot with a terrible attitude. She is crafty and calculating to get what she wants and she only cares about herself. She could have gone anywhere in the world. This is what she does. There were many smaller examples which I didn't provide. This was simply the icing on the cake. I watch her in cahoots with her BM to manipulate her Dad into getting what she wants. The two of them outright lie to get the Dad to do things. The parents are both afraid of her so they do nothing. The Dad puts her on a pedestal, a very high one, and expects me to do the same, but it isn't going to happen. I treat her the same way I treat my own children and they are good kids. If she were a nice, thoughtful, caring girl, I would be the first person on the plane to Italy to visit.
Thank you outtahere! Your
Thank you outtahere! Your post is exactly what I am saying. It's easy to say it's jealousy, but it is way too simplistic. We are all angry and bitter, otherwise we wouldn't be on ST. SDs behavior is more insidious, crafty and manipulative than the outward displays of anger towards me. She would never start anything with me, but if I call her out on something, even a small thing, she gets defensive and talks back, but generally she says very little to me.
I wasn't saying it is a bad thing to study abroad. My own BS will be going in a year. It's not that at all. I think Italy is a perfect place for her to go. She will learn how to contribute to the family and how treasured and respected the female head of household is. She doesn't treat her BM with respect either. They don't put up with that bullshit in an Italian family. SD won't be able to talk back or sit on her ass.
I would really like to hear
I would really like to hear what you think and would appreciate tommar not PMing about MY fucking life. No one has the right to do that! You have something to say, say it here. I am a big girl!
Of course it is a pissing
Of course it is a pissing contest. We all live the same thing.
Wow..thank you! I came on
Wow..thank you! I came on here for support, not criticism. We are human and can't always control how we feel. I realize that I need to think about things differently. I am not a wicked SM! When my SD decided that she wanted to share in my cycling hobby, I let her take one of my racing bikes to her CA school. She had her Dad pay to ship the bike, he bought her all new swag, shoes, gloves, helmet, all new clothing, got the bike tuned up. You know what happened? The bike came back this summer in the same box it was shipped in. After all of that expense, it was never used. It wasn't cuz she didn't have time. She didn't touch the bike the entire summer she was home. She never really wanted to ride, she just wanted all of the things that I had. I even took her to a field to practice riding with shoes that clip in on the pedals. So please, stop telling me I am a jealous, bitter, and wicked SM.
Actually, your posts are
Actually, your posts are offensive and you have no business posting anything on here. If someone can tell me how to block tommar from this forum, I would appreciate it.
If you had posted on the blog
If you had posted on the blog side instead of here on the forum side, you'd have the option of deleting comments. However, if a comment you wanted gone was in a string with other members comments, you'd lose the string.
You can not block members. You have the option of deleting (if on the blog side) or simply being adult about it and request to her/him to please stay out of your original post/blog. You can't stop other members from replying to something you comment on in someone else's post/blog.
Word of caution... you're on the internet in a hosted site. People come and go here all the time. When you put yourself out there like you have chosen to do, you will end up hearing from other people you don't agree with. We are all guest on this site. We don't make the rules. Some people will be more opinionated and blunt in their thoughts/advice than others will be.
I'm sorry if you've found your initial experience here, not to your liking. Sometimes you will get support, helpful advice and people who can relate. Sometimes you won't. It's sometimes better to just scroll by and ignore post from people that you find nothing of value in their comments.
With that said, welcome to steptalk. Read around here and read other peoples stores. There are a lot of people here in the same boat you are.
It is not an issue of whether
It is not an issue of whether I agree with the poster. I am open to any comments/suggestions/advice that is appropriate and given in good faith, not grossly inappropriate descriptions used to describe children, for which this poster was warned about in the past and appears to be an issue on this site, or other unseemly comments or personal attacks. When people choose come on here they do so for support because they are having issues with SC. It not to be criticized or analyzed, or to provide a forum for someone to spew nonsense or vitriol. I think if you read back over some of the comments, you would appreciate what I am saying....or maybe not. Most people have provided valuable insights from their experience and for that I am grateful.
Why are you posting on here
Why are you posting on here and did you bother to read my post? Not sure why you are contributing at all or how you think your posts are helpful. I am not her SM. Do you just troll to start issues with people? Bitter much? You have some serious issues in your situation as well, otherwise you wouldn't post on here. However, you sound like you have personal issues you need to address outside of this forum. Why don't you post something constructive and see if we can help you.
I have spent a lot of time traveling and continue to do so. I travel to Italy as often as I can, so I don't need my BF to take me. Thank you outtahere for understanding what I am saying. I am very fortunate and feel grateful for the opportunities that I have had. This is not an issue of jealousy. I will say it again. If she showed any thoughtful, caring, kind or appreciative behaviors, I would be the first one to be happy for her. She was actually 13 when I came into her life. She will be 21. I have been dealing with her nonsense for 7 long years. She acts as though she is better than everyone else. She walks around the house with her arms crossed. If you try to talk to her, she looks at you like why are you bothering me? If you say anything to her, she gets very defensive. It has created issues for everyone in the house. My sons want nothing to do with her. I guess I should be flattered that she follows my lead although on the outside she acts like she doesn't like me, it appears she wants my life.
I am sorry, you haven't
I am sorry, you haven't provided any advice. What are sex trophies...just curious? Trying to make sense of your nonsense. Ahh..yes he IS being manipulated, all of the time, everyday. Maybe you just relate to the parenting style and think it is ok. Which would make sense because you are posting in support of the bitch SD. Or, maybe you are the bitch SD. You don't get it; I have the blessed life she wants. You aren't very bright are you?
That one grosses me out. No
That one grosses me out. No child should be called a crotch dropping.
I am late to this
I am late to this conversation, but ALL of those kinds of phrases and names are nasty and shouldn't be used to describe ANY child, skid or bio.
It's uncouth and classless.
Don't use "sex trophies" to
Don't use "sex trophies" to describe children. I guess that is what I get for posting on this blog though.
I am not complaining about what she gets to do. I am venting because she is a bitch. It is because she is trying to one up me all of the time so that she can feel better about herself. And yes, she does manipulate her Dad and even he knows it. It's not a secret. She knows that he is all in with her. No DH though is going to put their wife/GF above their daughter regardless of how much of a snot they know their own child to be. I am not delusional. What pisses me off is that she jerks him around and withholds her love to get her way when she knows how much it hurts him. I can predict when she is going to ask for something because the ass-kissing starts and she suddenly has time for him.
He is extremely generous with me, that's not the point. If I want to do something, buy something or travel somewhere, it is always yes, almost without exception. I guess what it is is that my disdain for her is so strong, I don't want her in my space and I perceive Italy as my space, which I know is ridiculous. Why can't she have an original fucking thought? I know she is doing it to stick it to me. Now she is taking Italian lessons? She took German for 8 years! It's all a bunch of bullshit. I know exactly what she is doing. Maybe I am jealous because if she weren't such a bitch, I could share the experience with her. She isn't going to ask for my advice or recommendations, despite the many times I have been there. Instead, I have to wonder because it's not good whether she is fucking around with me, hence the bad association.
Instead of telling me how jealous, angry and bitter I am, give me some advice. What should I do? How can I change the way I think about it so it doesn't bother me so much? I am seriously asking for help. I don't want to feel this way or I wouldn't post on this blog!
Thank you! That is great
Thank you! That is great advice.
You are so rude Tommar. Not
You are so rude Tommar. Not helpful to OP calling her and her kids names.
Just because some use the term sex trophies you jump on that bandwagon. I dunno your posts here are troubling.
StepAside, sex trophies and
StepAside, sex trophies and crotch droppings but to name a few are used on here. If you read some of the other posts above there is worse. I delted my blog because some name calling was dropped on it. I don't want to get banned but I did feel it was and is a term used liberally on here.
I also dislike those rude
I also dislike those rude nicknames for kids. They really are not used in the adult step forum very much so it hit me when I read it here.
Agreed! No need for it. In
Agreed! No need for it. In fact it should be deleted as offensive.
Tommar, just reading all
Tommar, just reading all this, I have to ask, why are you going after this lady with so much venom? Really over board. You come off really angry. And you made your point, why keep doing it over and over.
Yep. She tends to take
Yep. She tends to take arguing to a whole 'nuther level.
Haha Lady uses the term more
Haha Lady uses the term more often than anyone. This conversation is old... I was made fun of for opposing this term a LONG time ago. Tommar is right, it is fine when the more "popular" users use it, but not when she does. :?
It was the context of your
It was the context of your use of sex trophy. You wrote something like Sd doesn't have to like you and your sex trophies. It was clearly an insult to the OP.
If you wrote about your own issues saying DH has 2 sex trophies. ...it sounds different. Not great...but not as bad.
Hope this helps you understand why I found it mean.
It was written as an insult
It was written as an insult to OP and was rude.
Oh no. And you are one of the
Oh no. And you are one of the ones who laughed when I opposed it. You used it just last week. I keep wondering whether you'll continue using it now that you are expecting... guess your denial answers my question!!
Nope!!
Nope!!
No, it was a while ago and I
No, it was a while ago and I don't keep things bookmarked. You also JUST used it Friday. It really doesn't matter, I just find it incredibly hilarious.
c'mon guys....
c'mon guys....
Lol. Come on tommar. I was on
Lol. Come on tommar. I was on that thread and nobody called you a racist.
Please tell me how to vote on
Please tell me how to vote on ST and I will vote. Calling children names (and attacking me personally) is unacceptable. It IS classless and disgusting and clearly there have been issues with this in the past and with tommar. Are you really a teacher? I didn't come on here to be hammered by someone who clearly shouldn't even be posting advice of any kind. You also thought it was a joke that because I am having issues with SD and DH that I couldn't possibly feel blessed. That is the difference between you and I. I have 2 beautiful, loving, happy sons and for now, my health, so I am blessed. You can have challenges and still feel blessed; they are not mutually exclusive.
"I don't make her feel
"I don't make her feel welcome." That is what I used to get from DH when we first got married. SD was an only child too, and was catered to by her parents. She had absolutely no respect for me (or any of the other women in DH's family) what-so-ever. I didn't have enough self-confidence at first to set boundaries early on but I should have. After 20 years of going through this B.S. I asked for specifics, "Just HOW - in detail - did I make SD uncomfortable?" DH had no answer. After SD's meltdown DH decided to work on the marriage. The alternative would have been for him to leave.
Do NOT marry this man until you have set boundaries: What you will allow from SD and what you will not. He must be able to tell her that she is to respect you in your home, and he must have your back or he is not worth staying with.
Ignore the whore. Pretend
Ignore the whore. Pretend that she does not exist.
Forget about the brat, why do
Forget about the brat, why do you allow your DH to admonish/lecture/berate you? And in front of said brat?
My marriage is by no means perfect, but no way would I tolerate this. Like you, I came to this site seeking help with my step problem. Members helped me to realize that I actually had a husband problem, and you do too. He has contributed to the way his daughter is. He worships rather than parents, and I guess he wants you down on your knees, too.
DH used to do this to me
DH used to do this to me until I learned to set him straight.
I will agree with this. I'm
I will agree with this. I'm out of step hell. And like you, I can't stand the sight of the XSD. She was exactly thr same. Only she has zero ambitions to make anything of her life. And her dad and I are divorced. He should be thrilled. 22 year old lazy ass is still up in his house and will be indefinitely.
Dear sosic, I fear there will
Dear sosic, I fear there will be no happy ending here. Your DH is giving her the power to hurt you. I went through all this for 20+ years and it only got worse. Some men are capable of change, some are not. Your DH doesn't listen to a word you say. It's a miserable life and your own children will be affected too. You need to ask yourself some deep questions. I feel for you.
Just wanted to add that based
Just wanted to add that based on my experience witnessing my FIL behave this way, things aren't likely to get better. I'm sorry, and I know each situation is different, but men like these - men who are enmeshed with their female children - are getting a very specific need fulfilled and they don't give that up easily. These guys aren't even relationship material, but it doesn't stop them from finding a woman to warm their bed. And, it doesn't stop when the daughter becomes an adult.
In the case of my FIL, he loved and adored his daughters and granddaughters while maintaining a perfunctory relationship with my DH and his grandsons. His was a very intelligent, scientific, and logical mind except in this area. He died penniless because he continuously funneled $$ to his female relatives.
Yup, agree with exjulie and
Yup, agree with exjulie and sandy. There is no specific reason for SD to feel uncomfortable except that you don't get down on your knees and kiss her behind. My SD has a hard time with me for the same reason. She is now 38 and will never get better.
As long as DH caters to this dysfunction it will never change or improve. I wish I knew this 20 years ago. When my SD was a teen I dismissed all the dysfunction and enmeshment as her being young and DH being overly sensitive because she was a COD. It never stopped and now I am 100% disengaged from SD and her kids now for a couple of years.
Good luck and I hope you figure out a solution to make yourself happy. Life is too short to be treated like that.
Yeah, it's pretty bad and I
Yeah, it's pretty bad and I know it is dysfunctional. I also realize that her parents have created the problems and a lot of it isn't her fault. These have been her role models and I know that the affairs, divorce and drama while she was in middle school had to have had a terrible impact on her well being and have made her self conscious. I know this. I have called her out for unacceptable things in the past and she gets extremely defensive and then her Dad rips into me. I don't kiss her ass like her parents. I treat her like my own children and I don't kiss their asses either. He expects me to treat her the same way he and the BM treat her. He parents also from a place of guilt for the divorce. Everything is a competition with both the Dad and Al, this includes her trying to be better than me in every way possible. That is the only way she can feel good about herself. I have my masters from Columbia U, so I am not an idiot. I am extroverted, she is not. I am opinionated, she is trying to find her voice. Physically, she is also a big girl, built like her parents and she gained a bunch of weight in college. I am not. She has curly hair, I have straight hair. (I only bring this one up cuz she straightened her hair for her HS pics to look more like mine). She measures herself up to me. THAT is also why she doesn't want to be around me. I make her self conscious about herself, so if she can try to create a life which is better than what I have accomplished, that fills a void for her and make her feel better. I didn't realize just how sad it was until I wrote this all down.
I have been contemplating getting out of the relationship for some time because I am miserable. I get depressed when I think about being in this girl's life forever because as long as I am living with them, I have to stomach their shit. This is partly why I won't marry him...at least I was smart enough not to marry him. It will never happen! Also, when he gets mad, he threatens to turn off my phone and cut me off financially and can be abusive, which I know is unacceptable. After our last big fight, I said I wanted a trial separation, so he agreed to go to counseling. The counselor said that when she comes to our house, I have to be a gracious host. This means I can't give advice, make recommendations or say/do anything that would seem like I am telling her what to do. F..d up huh?! I feel trapped because I don't have a job which would allow me to get out and we own a home together, but I am trying. I have been applying for jobs. But I have a 14 year old who I have to consider. Do I put my needs aside in my son's best interest so I don't have to uproot him again? I have already moved 2xs in the last 5 years.
How is it in your son's best
How is it in your son's best interest to stay in the same home with a man who is abusive to you? If it is physical, how soon until your DS steps in and tries to stop it?
It sounds to me like the least of your problems is your SD. Contact a women's shelter for advice on how to get yourself in a better position to get out of the relationship if you need to. And get a job - any job.
' He would get incensed if I
' He would get incensed if I ever said anything about Al. He would call me out and get angry with me in front of Al, so over time, Al never learned to respect me or care for me.'
He is using his daughter as a reflection of himself - her adoration as his validation. If you criticise her, you criticise him. Of course he will never teach her to respect or care for you - he doesn't himself. All of what you are going through, I went through - word for word some of it, year after year, always hoping things would improve when she got boyfriend/got married/ had kids/grew up! It got WORSE, especially when the 'supreme weapons' came along - grandchildren.
You say DH has Bipolar. There are many narcissistic traits with this disorder. Please read up on NPD. I know I say it a lot on here, but I am convinced that the most futile cases on here have a narcissistic man at the heart of it. As Sandye said, these men can never truly love (except themselves) but sure do like a nice woman to warm their bed and show a 'respectable' face to the world. He is also ruining his own daughter's life by making her co-dependent. Your boys will not be unscathed by this. Think about the childhood memories they will carry their whole lives in a home charged with tension. The only reason you would stay in this relationship is if you believed you could fix it in the end. Listen to those who wasted years trying - you can't.
Thank you dunwiththem. I
Thank you dunwiththem. I think you are right, he does use his daughter as a reflection of himself. I think he also uses me to make himself look better. I think he has suffered with a lot of issues over his life and he has low self esteem which is masked by his attempts at always appearing confident, smarter, funnier. It is classic narcissism which I actually did read about recently. I am highly educated and graduated with my masters from an ivy league school. I am generally confident although this relationship has had me questioning every decision I ever made with this man. I make him look good. That is why he is desperately holding on to this relationship. If it fails, he is a failure. His depressive episodes have revolved around some sort of failure. This nonsense with his daughter, is all something he can control. He knows what Al's struggles are. If she can one up me, they both win. It's like I am the enemy and they act as though they are superior to everyone else. Well, if she lives in Italy or learns to speak Italian, that's more or better than anything than you have ever done, which makes us better than you. If Al goes to law school, well that is more or better than anything you have done and we again are better than you. She lives in CA, we live in the east...even her fucking weather is better, so she is better than us. She is a vegetarian and eats better, she thinks, so she is better than us. Her grandmother is wealthy, Al has a big trust fund, so she is better than you. He has never said any of this, but maybe that is really what is going on here. You and your boys will never be as good or better than my daughter and I. There is definitely an "us/them" thing going on. We are not really a united family. It's a farce. But the reality is that they are selfish and are not inherently kind people. My children and I operate on a different level. We are humble, respectful, caring and kind. There is no manipulation, control or any of this nonsense. For this reason, I am hopeful that there won't be long term psychological damage for my children. My 18 year old is an amazing young man and my younger son is a great kid. Ugh...this sucks!
I am quietly working on my exit. I got him to go to therapy so that things were more tolerable and calm at home. I have to get my younger child through this school year, he is only in 8th grade. I know he won't change, nothing will change. I am glad there is someone on this blog who sees what is really going on.
I moved out at thr beginning
I moved out at thr beginning of my DD's senior year. I was sure the kids were gonna be upset with me for moving. Boy, wAs I wrong. Both of my kids were overjoyed to get out of the situation. Don't think your DS wouldn't be thrilled to be out of it.
Please have your SD take my
Please have your SD take my ss30 with her to Italy!!! Anyone else want to send the skids off to Italy? Hopefully it turns out better for her than it did for Amanda Knox.
IMO sending an NPD man (if he
IMO sending an NPD man (if he is) to counselling is about as much use as a concrete pillow. Unless the counsellor is a specialist, they will bamboozle with their charm, reason and humour. It's a different story at home!
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LOL!
LOL!
I read the post and the
I read the post and the latter comments by the OP. OP, you were smart to NOT marry this man and you definitely need to plan your exit. And if he's threatening and abusive now... How long before he takes the next step and makes it physical? Hits you? Hits your child?? Take it from someone who barely got out alive. GET OUT ASAP.
BTW, that counselor is a MORON. You should not have to subject yourself to abuse from a spoiled brat. I don't care if she's 12, 21 or 50. Remove yourself and your children from the house when she visits. If she's actually spending the night and/or you cannot leave, treat her as you would a stranger - polite, but maintain your distance. She's there to spend time with her father. Let her. She doesn't want to associate with you - ignore her, avoid her, pretend she's invisible. If she's polite, be polite in return. If she's a bitch, your only reaction should be IGNORE. Act like she's invisible.
You are focusing way too much
You are focusing way too much time and energy on another adult. Time to disengage, not just physically, but emotionally. FTR, I have curly hair that I straighten, but not because someone else has straight hair. I think it is pretty normal to straighten your hair if it is curly...? You seem to be focusing on small things that shouldn't matter to you at all. Regardless of her intentions, you need to have control of your emotions and reactions to her. It only matters if she does these things to bug you if you let them bug you.
Well, in 7 years this is the
Well, in 7 years this is the first time that I sought out help on a blog! The hair was just an example of layers and layers and many things over years and years. I want to have control of my emotions and I don't want it to bother me, which is why I am asking for help from others with experience.
I cannot disconnect because my DH expects me to communicate with her. He knows that I try to ignore her/distance myself and then he get PISSED! Then if I give her advice or make a suggestion, I make her feel stupid. Example, when she was home for the summer, I didn't properly greet her or compliment her outfit. He was FURIOUS..."why didn't you say hi to Al. She thinks you don't like her".. You think?! In this same conversation, she said that she went to Lenscrafters too get contacts, but that they were messed up. I said "you shouldn't go to Lenscrafters, you should go to a reputable eye doctor, I can give you the name of my doctor". DH said I made her feel stupid and we had a HUGE fight. He was pissed and she knew it because he called me out in front of everyone including my younger son. I don't think she even cared, but he did because if I make her look stupid, then he must be stupid. Such bullshit!
Sosick, I know you have
Sosick, I know you have really tried hard. My SD is an only child princess too. But please disengage. Don't tell DH, just do it. This means, no advice or suggestions, they are not welcome anyway. No compliments, no gifts, no asking how she is, just being cordial but distant. If DH gets on your case because you didn't say or do something he 'thought' you should have said, inform him that HE is to tell her what he thinks she would like to hear but you are giving up on mind reading and masochism. Also tell him that you will never allow him to degrade you in front of anyone again. My DH used to do this in front of SD and his family. I put my foot down. Every time he tried it, I told him to knock it off in front of whomever was present. He finally got the 'hint'.
Sosick, I can totally relate
Sosick,
I can totally relate to how frustrated you are, in that she is never wrong, and you are never right. I have my own fears about how my story is going to go with SD25's dad, as we are engaged to be married. As it sits right now, the waters are calm, as he has relayed to her that I feel that she disrespects me in our home when she comes for the few and far between visits that she has, so she has decided to stay away. Now, this may sound like a dream come true, however, I know the 2 of them well enough to know that this is just the calm before the storm and I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it. He has done nothing but defend her actions and behavior since I've known him, so I'm not foolish enough to think that I've heard the last of her. As soon as she gets back up on that high horse she rides, my life will be turned upside down once again, and I will be forced to defend myself, again. Having said this, what her dad DOES know about me, is that I won't pretend to like anyone, REGARDLESS of who they are, or what role in his life that they play.
I've read most of the comments made by you and others, and I don't seem to recall any that focused on you having a much needed heart to heart with YOUR DH about who you will and will not pretend to be in this relationship. Has that conversation occurred ? And if so, how did it go ? If not, WHY not ?
Whodalolly, We had a heart to
Whodalolly,
We had a heart to heart in couples therapy. I said I wanted to separate, he said he would go to counseling. I agreed not because I think that it will change anything ultimately because it is only a matter of time before I get out. It was to hold him accountable and keep him calm so he doesn't chase me around the house screaming at me. It has helped, especially in the sense that the counselor provides a strong voice to provide some reason when we both feel we've been wronged. And because he is a narc, he doesn't want to look like the one out of control so he tries to be on his best behavior. I am a licensed social worker, so he cannot manipulate me in therapy. He is not smarter than me in that regard. He has a lot of issues that cause him to not control himself emotionally, depression/anxiety/narc, possibly bipolar. He is being treated by a psychiatrist and he has an individual therapist. I am so disappointed in myself for not paying attention to some of the signs before we moved in together, especially given my background, now I am paying the emotional price. Goes to show you how manipulated we can be if the manipulator is skilled enough. I saw some of the issues with his daughter initially, but from the first days we moved in together, I knew he was going to parent her however he wanted, regardless of the impact on everyone else. How could I have been so naive?! We spent 3 sessions on the topic of SD. Lots of anger, lots of tears, lots of stress. Everything was put on the table. My BF can no longer tell my BC what to do and I can no longer tell SD what to do. He used to tell me that my BC don't mow the lawn or take out the trash. I said when SD empties the dishwasher and helps around the house, I will make my children do more. He never had her do anything; she was always to busy doing hw, hanging with her friends. She barely works, so it wasn't that. At the end of the day, she learned it all from her parents because that is how they are.
And therein lies ALL of our
And therein lies ALL of our problems; part time parents (particularly the dads) who make excuses for their adult kids because they didn't raise them right from the very beginning. I hear you, loud and clear !
If my guy and I are on the outs about something (99.99% of the time, it's something to do with SD, and even HE acknowledges that. Sadly it's not because he agrees that what she did was wrong, only that 99.99% of our arguments are about her....you know what I mean ?) he'll grasp at straws to bring up something negative about either my 17 or 20 year old BK's, and I just laugh because what goes through my mind is, "Yeah, okay honey. Let's talk about my son/daughter not keeping their room the way you'd like. This coming from the father who supported his degenerate daughter who to this DAY still sits on Welfare and smokes the weed provided by her BM. Or perhaps lets talk about your 23 year old son who knowingly and illegally tweaked his Bronco, caused a 3 car accident on the highway when the engine blew, putting the lives of himself and others in danger and was charged with careless operation of a vehicle. Really, is that all you got" ?
My children have told me that the three people in the world that they would never want to disappoint, is themselves or their mom and dad. THAT'S respect !
I didn't mean to make that all about me, I just ran with your last comment.....sorry....lol
Please don't beat yourself up by calling yourself naïve or being disappointed in yourself for 'not paying attention' before you moved in together. I'd be willing to bet that there are plenty of women out there (and not just on this site) that have entered into relationships and thought "I can fix this"......you're chatting with one right now
On the nail, Whodalolly
On the nail, Whodalolly
Yep. My counselor told me I
Yep. My counselor told me I couldn't fix my mess. She was right. It all ended and I'm happier for it. But I was sick of him doing the exact thing to me and my kids. His kids -especially the sd22- were required to do NOTHING but he would be "angry" my dd didn't help me told towels. I pointed out that he was sitting on his ass watching and doing nothing. Not were his kids. This isn't Cinderella and you're not the wicked step mother but his kids were entitled disrespectful brats.
Since you sound just like me with my sd and her brothers, I'll tell you how it ends. You leave. He pitches a fit because his maid is gone and he looks bad. He will be an asshole. Go no contact. Only way to get away from a narc. Block them all from all contact. You will find peace for that first time in years.
Mini-wives are the pits... I
Mini-wives are the pits...
I think I know exactly how this girl and her father act. Let me give one (of the hundreds) example.
I had left DH after 19 years together because ‘their’ relationship was destroying me. However, we still had a business together, so still saw each-other occasionally. Also, I still loved him and lived with a great sadness in my gut, fearing that he would meet someone else who would be ‘better’ me – do all the things I failed at – ‘get on’ with Daisy. Anyway, eventually we decided to go on a date. He asked me where I’d like to go. We decided on a meal & a movie. This date was important to both our futures – wasn’t it? Then, he phones me to say he couldn’t make it after all. The conversation went like this…
DH: I forgot I said I’d take my mum to Daisy’s. It’s her birthday.
Me: Oh, well can’t one of the others take her? (he had 5 brothers, 1 sister)
DH: No.
Me: What about if you take your mum there, spent an hour or so with Daisy, then take me out?
DH: No. I want to go.
Bear in mind this was her 31st birthday and it wasn’t a party, just a few people round, and he actually saw her every day of the week anyway.
He didn’t take me out.
Maybe I should start a thread of 'Mini-wife' Anecdotes - w'ya think?
"It is her gender, age, and
"It is her gender, age, and the poor parenting she's gotten/getting from her parents. Your BF has not been a great dad or partner and this 21 year-old is a piece of work. " THis is 100% spot on. I blame her parents for a lot of why she is the way she is. They have parented from a place of guilt that there dysfunction and affairs have cruelly impacted her. I actually do care about this. You see, I am totally conflicted, at times I feel terribly sad for her and at other times, furious at her adept ability to lie and manipulate. I catch her in lies all of the time to get what she wants. This one is gross, a couple of weeks ago before she was to go back to school, she was at her BMs house. They smelled gas. They called my BF. Here is the conversation:
BF: CAll the gas company
BM: Maybe it's nothing. I don't smell it. SD does
BF: Call the gas company anyway
SD: I want to come to your house
BF: Stay with your Mom until the gas company comes
SD: I don't want to stay here if there is gas leaking; I want to come your house
BF: Stay with your Mom, it will be fine. The come fast
Here is the disgusting part!
SD: But Mom has been drinking
BF: Ok, you can come here.
You see how gross?! Really SD?! You were so concerned about you BMs drinking that you spent the entire summer with her, almost every fucking day? When I said "are you really buying that story", he got pissed and said "my daughter wouldn't lie", but she does all of the time, he can't bring himself to see that one and only precious princess is a manipulative liar. So yes, I am sure there is truth to what the posters are saying about my jealousy at how she is so crafty as to get away with all of this shit and then is rewarded with whatever the fuck she wants. Angry, damn right I am. I owned my own home and uprooted my children, moved them to a different town for this??? I don't operate that way, my kids don't act that way. They wouldn't even know how. But, narcissists manipulate and lie and then find ways to justify their behavior in some twisted and fucked up ways. Like my BF did making me think he was this charming wonderful human being who is a narc.
Your step daughter loves to
Your step daughter loves to hate you. She is probably just as confused by her emulating you but hating you at the same time. As step kid I completely understand what she is doing but I totally understand where you are coming from at the same time and it is hard to find your way.
It seems like your DH is the biggest issue and that is really what you need to figure out what you're going to do with.
sosickofit - To chime in on
sosickofit - To chime in on your original post.
You've been with this person an awfully long time and you outlined how he's shown you a lot of disrespect (belittling you in front of SD, not telling you about his emotional issues, etc.).
I know, TRUST ME, I know what it's like to have PITA skid. Now that she's an adult, shine her on and don't give her the time of day.
However......your BF is a huge problem in your life. You deserve better treatment. If possible I strongly, strongly recommend you take a long hard look at your relationship with your BF and decide if this is something you really want for yourself and your youngest (since oldest is out of the house). For the last seven years your sons have been watching your relationship and learning from it. Because it hasn't changed, they're going to think it's normal. Do you really want their future GF's going through the same thing.
If you're physically and financially able, I'd suggest you moving out and finding your own place. It seems your BF has a lot of issues and you (and your kids) are paying for it.
Thank you. I know that all
Thank you. I know that all the problems stem from my BF and I know I deserve better. I am working hard on an exit strategy.
I don't want to move my son in the middle of the school year. I know that sounds like an excuse, but he has been through enough, post divorce, my breast cancer. I already moved 2xs to be with this man. If I move again, it will be 3xs in 5 years. I also have a house to sell that we own together, but I can compel the sale in the spring (I am in the NE). I have discussed all of the with my BCs father and he has been very supportive. We didn't stay married but he is a good man and a great father. Together we have done some things right regarding the children. They are really great kids. So to preserve my mental health, I am addressing the BF in couples counseling and venting my issues with SD here in this blog, which except for tommars unfortunate responses, has been very helpful.
^^^^THIS^^^^
^^^^THIS^^^^
I would go to see my OWN
I would go to see my OWN counsellor. I would spend time on working out what YOU need, want etc. Forget these asshats and put yourself first. I wouldn't tell SO that I was seeing someone. I would do this for YOU and you alone.
^^^Great advice from wickedsm. I went to see a counselor by myself since DH refused and it was really helpful to have a professional tell me I wasn't crazy and that DH and ss30 had issues, not me.
I agree with still learning.
I agree with still learning. I did this after SD's meltdown and DH's lack of support left me at rock bottom. Not only did she help me to deal with the situation with SD and DH, she helped me to see that many 'patterns' I used, such as constantly trying to please people and ignoring my own needs went WAY back to living with an abusive Father and a narcissistic Mother. It was a life-changer for sure.