There is a balance between giving her a body complex and teaching her appropriate behavior now that she is developing.

Covering her body because it's something to be ashamed of is different than covering up because she's becoming a woman and shouldn't flaunt it about. Your wife doesn't want to teach her self-respect?

Welcome. Not certain where to start with your post ... I think your wife is way, way off-base.

I'm very laid back with clothing, a bit "free-as-the-breeze" with skinny-dipping, naked outdoors and in my home -- alone or with SO. In addition, I have a 6 ft painting of a nude woman in my bedroom (my Grandmother was a prominent artist).

HOWEVER, I cover my body appropriately around family, friends, guests, and my BS-13. It is about self-respect and respecting others. It has absolutely nothing to do with shame over my rather "Rubinesque" physique.

Fact: you are a non-biologically related male living in the household. Your wife's responses seem bizarre, so perhaps I'm reading your post wrong. Maybe she is not trying to prove her own sexuality and to sexualize her own daughter. Is she acting out some subconscious competition with her daughter --- a Fruedian aging mother/nubile daughter thing? The reality is that she is risking your livelihood and freedom by promoting such behavior. Deliberate? Negligent? Subconscious? I don't care. You are uncomfortable because your gut is telling you that this is beyond the "norm."

Is your wife in counseling? How clear have you been about how inappropriate her behavior is with encouraging her pubescent daughter to dress provocatively in front of the step-parent? You say you have mentioned your disquiet with your wife and she has ignored your concerns. Check quietly, anonymously with your local child protective services. Cut-paste/copy some of these responses to your post and leave them out if you have trouble expressing yourself.

Be very careful. If this continues, consider "nanny cams." I'm serious because you can be in a world of hurt before you realize it.

Ask your wife what would the reaction be if you walked around half naked in the home. I don't think she would be comfortable with that. I am not talking about just a shirt off either.

This is gross. At 12 and a half and developing, a girl should be thought how to be modest. No matter how free you are with your body. You should at least wear some shorts or something enough to cover up.

I agree, your wife totally set the stage here and her attitude towards it is just wrong. My SD is 4 and we are always telling her how to "sit like a lady" while wearing dresses and to be a little bit more modest. No body shaming there just common sense.

And now a days when kids are being thought sexual ED at 6th grade. She should be somewhat aware of what she is doing.

eeek just wrong. Nanny Cams! this will only end up biting you in the behind.

I think the Mother and Daughter are asking for future problems. I have a SD and when she started developing I made her wear her bra with her night glown until she went to bed because she didn't need to be walking around like that in front of her father, brother & SB. It is in-appropriate for a little girl to walk around with out panies on or a bra. I have a SS that lives w/me and he's 16, I do not walk around w/o my bra in front of him or his friends. The mother should be ashamed of her self for allowing that to happen. The girl will probably have sex at a young age and end up PG. Wonder what the mother will think about that? It'll be all her faught for allowing her to be like that. Shame on the Mother. I know of people that have daughters between ages 10 & 15 having sex & babies already and that's because the parents don't care. This world is crazy now days.

tommar24365 - I'm a 34DD (no sagging) and I don't want my StepSon and his friends starring at my boobs. The bra goes off when I go to my room to go to bed. StepDaughter is not going to go bra-less infront of teenage boys either. That's called good parenting!! I enjoy my bra free time too, but not infront of boys with hard-ons!

I completely agree with you on this one and it is a similar issue in my home. I have encouraged my SD from a young age to always wear sleep clothes (not the shirt and undies, or nothing that she insists on) since day one. I don't think it's appropriate to wear around her step dad or any of her parents, really. I know that her mom accepts the little sleep attire, however, so the habbit bleeds into our household. I will get her up in the morning and find her naked, or she will prance downstairs in her shirt/undies. we haven't pushed it too much yet, but she understands its not acceptable in my house. Just a side note, I am always clothed, and have been very prude with clothing around her, as she is my step daughter, and I'm just that way anyway!

When my daughter was 13, her boobs showed up. They were big. She used to run around in boxers and a cami all the time.

One day when she pranced into the kitchen the light bulb went off. Told her that with two 9 year old boys and my boyfriend in and out of the house it was time to dress more modestly.

End. Of. Story.

One thing I hated was stbX OSS thinks he's God's gift to women. I have a daughter the same age as he. He would walk thru the house wrapped in a towel after his shower. Right thru the living areas where she and I would be chilling. After the second time he pulled this crap, I went straight to his father and said that he was not to leave that bathroom in that condition again. We don't think it's sexy and we are not impressed and it's disgusting for him to be so disrespectful of the ladies in the home. So we were then subjected to him shirtless and in basketball shorts. Insert eye roll here. He was an arrogant pain in the ass and still is. But I told his father that shit was stopping and I wasn't having it in front of me and my daughter. I don't miss this shit. Not one bit.

You said you thought it was cute when she was younger. How in the hell did you find sitting on furniture without any bottoms cute while bodily fluid drippings after a urine or a crap could run on your furniture? Ew just www! I bet your living room furniture smells of hoo hoo esp having two females around that ovulate. Sorry if I sound rude but damn. I mean underwear acts as a filter to your farts. What if o e of them sneaks a fart out and don't sit there and tell me they don't fart because honey child they do! You know those brown spots on your couch, those are not dirt stains , honey them are poo poo marks.

Just walk around your house in a thong one night. Or some super small tighty whities. When they ask you why you look like that just say everyone else does it. Problem solved!

"You know those brown spots on your couch, those are not dirt stains , honey them are poo poo marks."

OMG - skid skid marks on the couch. yuck yuck yuck

You are not wrong in your feelings on this matter. A 12 year old understands completely.  SO and I have been dealing with OSDs hypersexuality since 12. It started small with things like her yanking her bathing suit so far up her rear end I dont know how she could walk. Fast forward 2 years and it's out of control she would walk around wearing almost nothing,  let alone underwear if you didnt constantly fight with her about it. Now she will dress like that in front of any male. YSD 11 started trying to copy OSD walking out one day with a top she cut, little shorts and more make up than a drag queen would wear. Luckily SO was able to nip that in the bud before we had 2 doing it.

... with SSthen17, who started walking around in his chonies. I asked him to please wear the pj's, shorts, or pants I bought him, and then got him a nice bathrobe. Also had my DH tell him to be respectful. 

SS didn't think it was such a big deal, kept on. I wasn't having it, confronted him in the hallway. He had a fit, TWICE a month apart, and went elsewhere for a few days each time, only to finally apologize to me and admit he was being lazy, disresoectful, and immature.

I told him it was inappropriate and that when he has his own place he can do whatever. I also pointed out how I lost the privilege of running around naked or in little nighties five years earlier, when SS moved into my home. Not because anyone forced me to, but out of basic respect & decency, which I understood felt foreign to SS as his NARC BM is totally inappropriate & encourages disrespect & deviency. He agreed. 

We never had that problem again.

I think your situ can be resolved if SD's mom backs you in a united front to require appropriate clothing. Kids need boundaries and need to learn respect.

i think your right to feel uncomfortable.  My stepson12 would strip off everytime he would go swimming in my pool ,, regardless of who was around.  Once again , no problem when they are 4 or 5yrs old , but when they are 12 or 13 going through pubity etc , its not polite and makes everyone uncomfortable.  I would hate going for a swim and the SS would join us, next thing his jocks were off and hes flopping around naked whilst everyone is trying to enjoy the pool.... it was just gross , put some friggin clothes on for crying out loud!   I lost my shit one day when he proceeded to join us at the outdoor table for a bbq dinner ,, naked. Everyone got up and left ,,, his father finally put his foot down and stopped it.    On another note,,,its got nothing to do with giving her a 'body complex',, its about being respectful and whats appropirate and when.

I think some teachings of modesty are, quite frankly, outdated and antiquated. But we can all think what we want about that. I just don't think it's a female's job to police the way her body looks for the benefit of others. Maybe that's what your wife is getting at with her notion of not giving her daughter a body complex.

There's a line though. 

And when you live in a home with other people, there is some give and take. Mom and daugter might feel very free and open with this, but it makes you uncomfortable (as it would for most people), so it's really a matter of not taking others' feelings into consideration. And yes I do think there is a risk here for someone to say/do something and turn your life upside down over it.

At 12, my stepdaughter was well aware of her developing body. Still is. What is your SD like? Maturity levels can vary greatly in this age range. It's my personal belief that my SD's mom uses her body as a means to get attention in all of the wrong ways--like being sexy equates to being pretty, and therefore a desirable partner. So I see this behavior emulated in my SD. What girls this age need to understand is that yeah being pretty or sexy can be fun, but the qualities that make you a desirable person to be with go far beyond those surface things. It sounds a bit like your SD is intentional about this behavior and is perhaps sexualizing herself.

Kids are given a lot of mixed messages about their bodies--sex sells. It's everywhere. In their DMs, social media, texts, social circles, TV and so on. Plus 12-13 is just a confusing age in general. They can't do better if they aren't taught better.

Certainly standards of modesty change over time and differ by culture.  That said..... in any culture violations of modesty standards are one of those things that you know when you see.

IMHO regardless of the culture.. the common denominator for kids who have no sense of modesty is.... idiot parents.

smh

My sarcastic side would suggest going nuclear - inform your wife that your SD's prancing upsets you because you are feeling increasingly aroused by it.   I'm sure that would put an end to it quickly.

The realistic solution is to be insistent and suggest to your wife that the SD's behavior shows she craves the attention and is a result of today's over-sexualization of just about everything.   It's unhealthy and, contrary to what one might think, can lead to poor self-image.   If SD is trying to "stir something up" in the home - that's giving a sense of control...kids strive for it but very immature.   It's our role as parents to develop maturity and self-respect.