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BM Still Wants My Husband 8 years Later

Writermom95's picture

BM and DH had another back and forth about SS being in cub scouts again this year. They don't agree about it and then the text battle turned into them insulting each other as usual. Now what I've learned from this site is to stay out of it, let them deal with THEIR STUFF concerning THEIR SON.

Well BM turned her argument with him towards me. I don't care what she thinks or feel about me however I do care when my husband does NOT CHECK HER about her negative comments about me. A simple statement of leave my wife out of this would be fine. Nope, nota, nothing! He refuses to defend me but is QUICK to yell at me about not bashing her in any form or fashion when he's mad at her and wants to vent that BS to me!

He defends her and has at the expense of my feelings for years. He acts like he scared of her and always uses the excuse that he doesn't want give her anything to use that will make her play games with visitation like we don't have a court order and like she doesn't do this anyway whether she OK or mad. She plays games and manipulates all the time. It never ends. This bitch even followed us to Florida this year and said it was a surprise for their son! No that was stalking, surprise my ass!

So I had a fit and he finally text her and told her to leave his family out of this battle including his wife and she hit the roof. I told my husband she was mad about something but it had nothing to do with cub scouts! This attack was about something else as usual is. Well low and behold the text came and it was exactly as I thought. This psycho stated to my husband that he left her and abandoned her and their child for another woman. This was almost 8 years ago! They were not married and SS.. is almost 10! He didn't want to be with her and that was decided before he got with me.

When does she finally move the hell on! She still wants my husband!

Oh but it gets better... he text her back and said he was sorry for hurting her and asked could they be friends!!! She said they would never be friends... and he text her back saying they needed to be friends and cordial for the sake of their son. I was done. I told him the next time he wants or needs to vent and share text messages. Find somebody else! He had the audacity to show me this exchange and doesnt see how this might upset me and make me feel. This is the same woman who has no job and says she's not getting one because she has him. This the same woman wouldn't let him see his son for periods of time and he cried about it to me. This the same one who had him paying medical insurance for over a year but had their son on her insurance. This is the same woman who allowed her drunk mother to attack him and pull a gun. This is the same woman who wouldn't allow my DH to cut his sons hair and this was included in the court order. This is the same woman who calls him SLOW, dumb ass, a weak punk bitch and loser(real mature right?)... oh I could go on and on but I don't want to type it all. And this is the woman he is pleading to be friends with???

They are two stupid peas in a pod. He cares more about how she feels than his wife--me. And he just doesn't get that the reason she acts this way is because she still wants him, is still hurt and bitter that he isn't with her and their son.

I'm dealing a man that puts his child's mother feelings before mine because he still cares about her even though he denies it and scared she won't let him see his son when she has one of her "you left me for another woman" 8 year old hissy fits. He defends her to me when she's quiet and not raising hell but the minute she starts bashing me there is nothing but crickets.

He's here and we've been together 8 years, married 4 of those years. I don't think he's holding a torch for her but there is something that makes him feel like she is some delicate flower because of their son and I'm supposed to be OK with this. I'm his wife but often get treated like a 2nd class citizen when it comes to her. And sadly, no matter how I try to paint this picture for him he does NOT GET IT!

Any words of wisdom for how I deal with what I feel is disrespect and a totally disregard for my feelings? Or am I'm missing something? Please help get me thru this day because I'm really tired of this same argument and same hurt and considering separation.

Fed up with the never ending BS!

AVR1962's picture

Most times when divorced couples cannot get along for the sake of the children it is because of unresolved issues between them as you have discovered. Your husband might feel like pleasing his ex will guarantee his visitation but he needs to be assertive and lay some ground rules for her. My husband refused to deal with his ex and it caused so many issues. He too, like your husband, would not tell her she needed to stop and just allowed the games and disrespect. This is not good at all. The kids pick up on it, they feel part of the tug and they learn that they do not have to respect you. Your husband needs to make it clear to his ex that their relationship is over, that he did not mean for things to go the way they did but that he has moved on, he is married now and the only thing that the two of them need to do is care for their child.

Writermom95's picture

Oh its plenty of unresolved issues and other than us getting marrued, NO CLOSURE BETWEEN THEM! He thinks so but obviously not for her 8 years later! Thanks for your thoughts.

Rags's picture

Time for the come to Jesus clarity session with DH. Tell him exactly what you have shared with us. Give him clarity that his focus, commitment, and effort should be with you and not with his X. She of the golden crotch dropping uterus is not his bride, has nothing but his past, and should in no way be his priority, ever, for any reason. His commitment is to you. You are his present and future, and he needs to gain clarity on this to be the equity life partner he should be to you, and to be a quality example of a man and father to his child(ren).

Take care of yourself and give DH clarity and a chance to redeem himself once you have delivered that clarity.

Cadence's picture

They are emotionally enmeshed. It doesn't have to mean romantic feelings (though enmeshment can include passion/romance), but he still doesn't seem to want to understand where she ends and he begins. He does not seem to want to accept that her fee fees mean bupkis to his life.

I'd tell him you're reaching the end of your rope. Tell him your boundaries for your marriage.

Those are:

1) You expect your husband to pursue an airtight custody order so he is no longer beholden to keeping his ex happy. By not doing this, he has enabled his son to be used as a pawn in BM's sick games, and that is not being a good father. SS's welfare needs to come well before BM's wants (and those are not the same things, contrary to what BM thinks.)
2) He realizes who his family is (you and SS)
3) He ignores all communications except what is needed communication for direct parenting matters - SS's health, his school, his activities, and his schedule. Every single other thing should receive no response. He has taught her how to manipulate him into emotionally engaging with her. Guilt works. Painting herself as a victim works. Threatening a huge emotional reaction works. It is time for him to see these manipulations for what they are and stop giving her what she wants.

DH also needs to be smart about this. BM is not someone who will listen to reason. She likes attention - any attention. Positive (like you'd have with a friend or family member) or negative (like you'd have with a mortal enemy). She is energized by any attention shown to her. He cannot treat her like anyone else where he just needs to explain and she'll see his side. She wants to argue and the issue is never the issue. Getting his attention and focus on her is always her goal.

If he doesn't do these things, I'd say leave him. Why? Because it has been years of BM & DH's dysfunctional dance, and if he refuses to end it even though it is totally inappropriate, totally unnecessary, and extremely painful for you, then it's clear he's made his choice of the main woman in his life. Additionally, I am sure that during those many years you've made threats about the future of your relationship to him, but have never followed through. Therefore he won't respond to another threat. No, you need action for him to finally get the consequences of his continued enmeshment with BM through his thick skull.

Writermom95's picture

Been fed up and oh so tired. And yes, I keep trying to get him to see how this is not right and he doesn't get and isn't trying to get it. Action was needed like yesterday. I refused to be disrespected anymore and tired of fighting this same fight when I'm not the priority... her feelings and game playing are and have been for years.

I'll keep you all posted on the outcome because the do-do has hit the fan! Thanks for your insightful responses. I'm grateful to know that I'm not crazy or not seeing what's really in front of me.

Disneyfan's picture

8 years is a long time, if it were a clean break. You said he still cares about her. If he has revealed that to her, then he has given her a reason to keep hanging on.

Writermom95's picture

And you get put a time when she does tommar....? It's been 8 F'ING YEARS. Yeah she needs to get a damn life at this point!

Disneyfan's picture

It's easier to just take a good look at the guy. Any guy (or woman)that is willing to date others while in a relationship or married to someone who isn't trustworthy. He/she has to be great at weaving a Web of lies. That's the only way to get away with cheating for a bit.

If they can lie,cheat,deceive....one man/woman, they won't have a problem treating others the same way.

Sparklelady's picture

I agree, Tommar - but more than that, I've watched a woman be this way for eight years and she was the one who ENDED the relationship. Crazy is crazy. Actually, my own mother still is this way - 29 years and counting. Some people can't get over others moving on, ever.

Sparklelady's picture

It's amazing, isn't it?? But at the end of the day, as much as they SHOULD move on, we know they won't, because they can't. If they could, they wouldn't be the miserable, crazy, self pitying hags we all adore so so much Wink
And therefore, we disengage and vent here. And sometimes drink.

Sparklelady's picture

Truth.

Disneyfan's picture

Yeah, but the OP says he left BM ALMOST 8 years ago. She also says she has been with him for 8 years.

Based on that, it sounds like she was the other woman.

Damn near every man who is cheating will say his relationship is over. Really, how many men/women say they are on a happy/loving relationship? They all lie. That's why the person cheated on is hurt/angry when they find out what is going on.

Disneyfan's picture

Plenty of posters here aren't married, but they have kids with their SOs. I don't think there is anyone here that would say they aren't a family.

In the OP it says dad left mom. Clearly they more than just bed buddies.

The whole just a girlfriend thing is usually stated when the poster has her own place and doesn't have a child with the dad.

Disneyfan's picture

My son, his dad and I were never a family. His dad and I broke up before he was born. So no, I don't think having a kid together makes you a family.

ExDF and I were together for 5 1/2 years. We lived together for 4 years. We didn't have any kids, I think we were a family.

I'm dating someone now, we do not live together and of course no kids together. Nope, we are not a family.

I think everyone's idea what a family is different. When my son was a kid, I had several people tell me that we were not a family because I didn't have a husband. :?

Disneyfan's picture

Well, the husband hasn't done anything to stop it. Hell,if anything his butt is encouraging her craziness.

Writermom95's picture

For the trollers that want to delve and go into to areas that were not up for discussion and want analyze, bash and judge... go to hell. My pain is real and my marriage is at stake. Most women on here really need someone to talk to and get their issues out and not be talked to any kind of way. For those that reached out and with some true words of wisdom, insight into my situation, thanks.

These others on here without lives and use this for their entertainment because of that lack... jump in the nearest lake. Women on here are going thru some real life altering stuff and need someone to listen and understand and not judge and bash! Like I said go some where else with that bullsh*t. Cafe Mom is full of haters, that will fit right in with this bashing and judgmental crowd. They live to bash on that one! Go where you belong and will be truly welcomed.

Disneyfan's picture

I was not bashing you. You anf BM are hurting because of the stupid choices your husband made in the past and is continuing to make.

You and BM are furious with one another. Meanwhile the person at the root of this anger and hurt gets a free pass.

Writermom95's picture

I can appreciate this response because it's on point, Disneyfan.

ldvilen's picture

I just want you and everyone else to know that factually speaking, only about 5% of all couples who had an affair, cheated on their spouse(s) with each other, and where prior-children were involved, go on to get married. So, by far the vast, vast majority of marriages between SM and DH (or step-dad and DW) did not involve an affair at all. I think this is one of those elephants-in-the-room. I think a lot of BMs like to claim this to poison the well, when in reality, the facts don't bare it out at all.

Rags's picture

If there were no papers with the BM of his child .... there was no commitment. As much as many might think otherwise those are the facts. I have always been of the opinion that if there is not a wedding ring on the ring finger of a woman I am interested in .... she is approachable. Boyfriends .... well .... they were for getting rid of. This was back in my single days of course.

I have always respected a wedding ring and marriage license. An engagement ring .... I was aware of it and it would generally be a deterrent but not a hands off sign like a wedding ring.

If a lady gave me the clear message to back off, I respected that and that is what I did.

So, you are his bride, you have the ring, you have paperwork, and since as you describe you were not in the picture until a notable amount of time after the break up of their relationship her delusions of you breaking up her family are just that ... delusions. Her behaviors are those of a toxic BM XGF and nothing more credible than that. Do not let her crap bother you but for sure you should not tolerate it either. Shred her every time she crawls out from under her toxic blended family opposition rock. Period!

Your DH's behaviors on the other hand ... borderline emotional infidelity at best and potentially far worse than that. His credibility as your DH will depend on how he acts following your clarity session with him. Have the locksmith on speed dial to rekey the locks if he fails to step up and demonstrate his commitment to you as your husband and equity life partner.

Good luck.

evilicious says I quit steppin's picture

I am the fifth wife. Yes. Wife number 5. Five.
Shock over???? Let's proceed.

Wife number 3 had an un-natural attachment to my DH. I was pregnant with our first child together. The son that my DH adopted (along with his sister from yet another daddy) was in foster care because Ex 3 had a major league drug problem, alcohol issues, and a child beating bastard husband. When DH found out, SS then 11 had been in foster care in Utah long enough for the fosters to want adoption proceedings. DH flew to UT from FL. Proved he was Dad because of the adoption paperwork. We jumped through all kinds of hoops. DCFS going through my fridge, cabinets and my panty drawers monthly.

When DH showed up for court, Ex 3 wanted him to stay at her house. She was even nice enough to offer him prescription drugs with some jackass's name on it in the hallway of the courthouse.

Then the stupid b*tch called my home and stated to me that she wanted him back and could have him "any time she wanted" (because that 50 something loose ass cooch was better than my 20 something pregnant with his biological child pussy).

I laughed my ass off. If he wanted her, he would be there, not with me. Same goes for you.

Laugh this shit off.

Maxwell09's picture

I don't think I've ever witnessed on here or in real life a successful coparenting relationship or "friendship," as your DH put it, where the dad left the BM. Almost always if the man leaves the BM is never over it. But there are plenty of posters on her that are BMs who have ended it with their Ex's and get along just fine. My point is since he left her she will always guilt him for her misery whether you were there or not. The only possible way she would have "moved on" was if she would have been the one to leave him and even then that doesn't guarantee a smooth path for coparenting.

My DH does not want to be with BM but I used to question him when he would talk about how much hate he had for the guy she cheated on him with. My logic is that this guy really saved DH from misery so he should thank him and be cordial. We have mutual friends with BM and for birthday dinners of those friends we do not act like friends with her. She just doesn't exist (not hard since last time she was face down drunk at the opposite end of the table). Your DH shouldn't be sending those "let's be friends" BS. If she is as difficult as you say she is then no judge is going to reprimand him for not being her bestie. All he legally has to do is communicate about their child anything else is just going to feed her Envy Monster. He needs to Ignore the Whore anytime her sentence doesn't include the names/content or his children. I suggest your husband do what mine did and tell BM not to contact him if he has his kids and only contact him if it's an emergency when she has the kids because everything else should go through email. It has cut out a lot of BM trying to bring me into their arguments and going off topic about the past.

Cadence's picture

Ditto. My SO had shut down and was just surviving. BM had an emotional affair and was the one to end things. She is still in a relationship with that man, 5-6 years later.

That course of events makes no difference. She has a golden uterus and believes she owns SO because she once had kids with him. She believes that his relationships following that are not real, and that she is still the number 1 woman in his life.

She does not want to grieve and she does not want to let go, because she is not an emotionally healthy person. If my SO had not placed boundaries on her, she'd be in touch with him everyday, asking him for help with the problems in her life. They weren't friends, he was just tolerating her lunacy because she had him convinced he had to do that to be a good dad.

An unbalanced BM's choices have zero to do with the SM. I honestly don't care how this poster's relationship started. Cheating or no cheating, she is now married to him and it has been 8 years. BM's clinging is unhealthy and unnecessary.

There is a lot of projecting going on in this thread. I guess I'm a big hussy, too, by some definitions. My SO and BM were separated for two years, and he filed for divorce after our second date (after I told him I wouldn't continue to date a man who was just separated.) BM cheated and had been in a relationship before the separation, but I was with a MARRIED man and so I'm a big filthy whore who deserves what she gets, and BM can treat us however she wants. I guess I learned some new things today! Wink

ownpersonalopinion1's picture

It would it be a good idea to keep your job skills current and get an education if you don't have one. You'll need it one day.

Somethings going on between them. He's too concerned about her feelings and I bet there is more to the story about the ex "stalking" trip and husband knows more than he's telling you,