Most times when divorced couples cannot get along for the sake of the children it is because of unresolved issues between them as you have discovered. Your husband might feel like pleasing his ex will guarantee his visitation but he needs to be assertive and lay some ground rules for her. My husband refused to deal with his ex and it caused so many issues. He too, like your husband, would not tell her she needed to stop and just allowed the games and disrespect. This is not good at all. The kids pick up on it, they feel part of the tug and they learn that they do not have to respect you. Your husband needs to make it clear to his ex that their relationship is over, that he did not mean for things to go the way they did but that he has moved on, he is married now and the only thing that the two of them need to do is care for their child.

Time for the come to Jesus clarity session with DH. Tell him exactly what you have shared with us. Give him clarity that his focus, commitment, and effort should be with you and not with his X. She of the golden crotch dropping uterus is not his bride, has nothing but his past, and should in no way be his priority, ever, for any reason. His commitment is to you. You are his present and future, and he needs to gain clarity on this to be the equity life partner he should be to you, and to be a quality example of a man and father to his child(ren).

Take care of yourself and give DH clarity and a chance to redeem himself once you have delivered that clarity.

They are emotionally enmeshed. It doesn't have to mean romantic feelings (though enmeshment can include passion/romance), but he still doesn't seem to want to understand where she ends and he begins. He does not seem to want to accept that her fee fees mean bupkis to his life.

I'd tell him you're reaching the end of your rope. Tell him your boundaries for your marriage.

Those are:

1) You expect your husband to pursue an airtight custody order so he is no longer beholden to keeping his ex happy. By not doing this, he has enabled his son to be used as a pawn in BM's sick games, and that is not being a good father. SS's welfare needs to come well before BM's wants (and those are not the same things, contrary to what BM thinks.)
2) He realizes who his family is (you and SS)
3) He ignores all communications except what is needed communication for direct parenting matters - SS's health, his school, his activities, and his schedule. Every single other thing should receive no response. He has taught her how to manipulate him into emotionally engaging with her. Guilt works. Painting herself as a victim works. Threatening a huge emotional reaction works. It is time for him to see these manipulations for what they are and stop giving her what she wants.

DH also needs to be smart about this. BM is not someone who will listen to reason. She likes attention - any attention. Positive (like you'd have with a friend or family member) or negative (like you'd have with a mortal enemy). She is energized by any attention shown to her. He cannot treat her like anyone else where he just needs to explain and she'll see his side. She wants to argue and the issue is never the issue. Getting his attention and focus on her is always her goal.

If he doesn't do these things, I'd say leave him. Why? Because it has been years of BM & DH's dysfunctional dance, and if he refuses to end it even though it is totally inappropriate, totally unnecessary, and extremely painful for you, then it's clear he's made his choice of the main woman in his life. Additionally, I am sure that during those many years you've made threats about the future of your relationship to him, but have never followed through. Therefore he won't respond to another threat. No, you need action for him to finally get the consequences of his continued enmeshment with BM through his thick skull.

Yeah, but the OP says he left BM ALMOST 8 years ago. She also says she has been with him for 8 years.

Based on that, it sounds like she was the other woman.

Damn near every man who is cheating will say his relationship is over. Really, how many men/women say they are on a happy/loving relationship? They all lie. That's why the person cheated on is hurt/angry when they find out what is going on.

If there were no papers with the BM of his child .... there was no commitment. As much as many might think otherwise those are the facts. I have always been of the opinion that if there is not a wedding ring on the ring finger of a woman I am interested in .... she is approachable. Boyfriends .... well .... they were for getting rid of. This was back in my single days of course.

I have always respected a wedding ring and marriage license. An engagement ring .... I was aware of it and it would generally be a deterrent but not a hands off sign like a wedding ring.

If a lady gave me the clear message to back off, I respected that and that is what I did.

So, you are his bride, you have the ring, you have paperwork, and since as you describe you were not in the picture until a notable amount of time after the break up of their relationship her delusions of you breaking up her family are just that ... delusions. Her behaviors are those of a toxic BM XGF and nothing more credible than that. Do not let her crap bother you but for sure you should not tolerate it either. Shred her every time she crawls out from under her toxic blended family opposition rock. Period!

Your DH's behaviors on the other hand ... borderline emotional infidelity at best and potentially far worse than that. His credibility as your DH will depend on how he acts following your clarity session with him. Have the locksmith on speed dial to rekey the locks if he fails to step up and demonstrate his commitment to you as your husband and equity life partner.

Good luck.

I am the fifth wife. Yes. Wife number 5. Five.
Shock over???? Let's proceed.

Wife number 3 had an un-natural attachment to my DH. I was pregnant with our first child together. The son that my DH adopted (along with his sister from yet another daddy) was in foster care because Ex 3 had a major league drug problem, alcohol issues, and a child beating bastard husband. When DH found out, SS then 11 had been in foster care in Utah long enough for the fosters to want adoption proceedings. DH flew to UT from FL. Proved he was Dad because of the adoption paperwork. We jumped through all kinds of hoops. DCFS going through my fridge, cabinets and my panty drawers monthly.

When DH showed up for court, Ex 3 wanted him to stay at her house. She was even nice enough to offer him prescription drugs with some jackass's name on it in the hallway of the courthouse.

Then the stupid b*tch called my home and stated to me that she wanted him back and could have him "any time she wanted" (because that 50 something loose ass cooch was better than my 20 something pregnant with his biological child pussy).

I laughed my ass off. If he wanted her, he would be there, not with me. Same goes for you.

Laugh this shit off.

I don't think I've ever witnessed on here or in real life a successful coparenting relationship or "friendship," as your DH put it, where the dad left the BM. Almost always if the man leaves the BM is never over it. But there are plenty of posters on her that are BMs who have ended it with their Ex's and get along just fine. My point is since he left her she will always guilt him for her misery whether you were there or not. The only possible way she would have "moved on" was if she would have been the one to leave him and even then that doesn't guarantee a smooth path for coparenting.

My DH does not want to be with BM but I used to question him when he would talk about how much hate he had for the guy she cheated on him with. My logic is that this guy really saved DH from misery so he should thank him and be cordial. We have mutual friends with BM and for birthday dinners of those friends we do not act like friends with her. She just doesn't exist (not hard since last time she was face down drunk at the opposite end of the table). Your DH shouldn't be sending those "let's be friends" BS. If she is as difficult as you say she is then no judge is going to reprimand him for not being her bestie. All he legally has to do is communicate about their child anything else is just going to feed her Envy Monster. He needs to Ignore the Whore anytime her sentence doesn't include the names/content or his children. I suggest your husband do what mine did and tell BM not to contact him if he has his kids and only contact him if it's an emergency when she has the kids because everything else should go through email. It has cut out a lot of BM trying to bring me into their arguments and going off topic about the past.

It would it be a good idea to keep your job skills current and get an education if you don't have one. You'll need it one day.

Somethings going on between them. He's too concerned about her feelings and I bet there is more to the story about the ex "stalking" trip and husband knows more than he's telling you,