Part 2: SD22 and DH paying for her hanging out. It only gets worse.
It has been a long 4 days. DH "hired" SD to "work around our house, Apparently even he knows he has to give her money to get her to hang out. So after 4 days of her coming over later and later every day it is finally over. The highlights were I got to watch her throw my personal stuff away. Everyday she sat on her butt for hours doing nothing. One day she found baby rats and brought them into out house after I told her not to! I asked her what she was going to do with them and she said take them to her mothers because "BM feels the same way I do about baby animals". The irony of this is that she abandoned her cat here and never even pets him when she comes over but suddenly she loves animals so much! Of course she didn't take them and she cried, actually cried, when DH told her they couldn't stay here.
Everyday I could feel my anxiety level rising when she came over. We have a japanese garden and yesterday she came over and asked my husband if she could cut down the trees to make it easier to rake leaves and my DH almost let her! Hell no. I felt like I could not leave or I would come home to all of my stuff gone and my home in ruins. They dug up one of my rose bushes for no reason!
Today my DH and I took the stuff to the dump. We had a huge fight because I have had enough. It was a lot of work but I would have done anything to keep her away from here. I got hurt and he told me I couldn't complain about the pain because SD could have come over!
He told me if he had to choose between SD and I he would always choose her. I walked out. I told him he is a creep and an ahole and I have had it. When I got home I went to water my peonies and she had stepped on one and broken it. I am so livid. I don't even know where to begin. I hate them both.
Yes.
Yes.
Nope. As a matter of fact the
Nope. As a matter of fact the stuff that is taking up our garage is his children's stuff. All 3 kids have furniture and crap in our garage. The whole point was to get rid of what was garbage, donate what we could and sell some. Ask me if any of their stuff is gone. None! The shed is his shed. I don't have a single thing in it.
I think you're my long lost
I think you're my long lost sister.
I will never love a man enough to pick him over my son,my parents or my sister.
I never asked him to choose.
I never asked him to choose. I would never ask someone to do that. I just want respect for my things. He only said so I would know how low I am on his totem pole.
He said right after I said
He said right after I said that I did not want her touching my stuff again. That is almost a direct quote. Then he called me a bitch and said what he said. Who cares why he said it. He was being an abusive ass. Some people fight dirty. He fights dirty.
Exactly. Who cares why he
Exactly. Who cares why he said it. His brat has no right touching your stuff. And no one is asking him to choose but actually marriage comes before adult children. There should be no competition but he should not be allowing her to disrespect your stuff. His words were abusive and a disgrace.
It was hurtful especially
It was hurtful especially since I did not ask him to choose. I just ask him to be a parent. The one conversation we had that made sense was when he admitted that in his eyes his kids can do no wrong. Ever. He has never parented them preferring the Disneyland type of parenting. SD22 was apparently drunk through most of junior high and they never got her into a program. She was allowed to blow off school in high school to the point where the police came to the house to arrest her mom for allowing her to be truant. She graduated from high school with a 1.7 grade point average.
Yes, you are correct, it was his house before with BM and SKIDS. We talk about selling it and getting a smaller house in a cheaper town but his commute right now is 7 minutes. And I like the town we live in. It is a university town.
He owes me an apology. He says BM is a perfect parent and that I cannot say anything about his kids, even when they are throwing away my cds and jewelry. Even when they trample my flowers which I have worked so hard to keep alive in this drought. I am sad, angry and tired.
It means I am going to talk
It means I am going to talk to a family law attorney, it means I am thinking of seeing a therapist who specializes in blended families. It means i am getting my ducks in a row. It means I will not live like this. I won't, I can't.
Stepmomdavis, I sent you a
Stepmomdavis, I sent you a pm.
Good for you. Take good care
Good for you. Take good care of yourself and the ones that truly love you.
A
I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish he didn’t trust me so much.
Fortunately for my DH, he has
Fortunately for my DH, he has never voluntarily told me he would choose SD over me. If he did he would be history. I can understand this when they are small and vulnerable but when they are adults it's different, and obviously your SD is NOT choosing DH over money. It is just a nasty thing to bring up out of the blue anyway - dirty fighting. And calling you a bitch is out of line too. Save your money and get away from this ass.
Verbally he was in fine form
Verbally he was in fine form that day. Called me a bitch, told me he would choose his daughter over me, said his children can literally do no wrong, told his daughter on the phone that he would rather be going to the dump with her than me, demanded I apologize to him which is hilarious because he had been calling me names all day. When I hurt my back he told me to stop complaining about it because I gave up the right to complain because I could have had my SD go to the dump instead of me.
You are doing the right thing
You are doing the right thing by putting your ducks in a row - seeing and attorney, etc. I'll bet he will be backtracking when he realizes how much he is going to lose. Watch and see!
Almost snorted my wine ...
Almost snorted my wine ... what a waste. "Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya." Have not heard that phrase in a few years.
There's no hard and fast rule
There's no hard and fast rule about who one should "choose". If the SM is an obnoxious bitch - well the DH should not just goose step to her demands and ignore the skids.
And it matters whether the skids are still minors - especially if they are very young children. Most of the time it is not an either/or situation - where one must choose one person and ignore the others.
But one's spouse ALWAYS deserves respect, kindness and consideration unless said spouse is a raging asshole. If that's the case the bio parent should dump their worthless POS spouse.
But a bio parent with a POS child and a decent spouse is stupid as shit if they decide to cater to the asshole and ignore the decent person.
"He told me if he had to
"He told me if he had to choose between SD and I he would always choose her"
I literally chocked on my coffee when I read this. That is just asinine! You have every right to have a peaceful home, safety of your possessions, privacy and a happy marriage without interference. DH obviously sees his time and affection as some rare prize to be won by the women in his life. SD is first in line for his valuable doled out attention. You get the crumbs that trickle down. He really must think he's something special.
As luvmypuppy said, there is no "choosing" between a mature loving spousal relationship and a parent/child relationship. It is creepy, co-dependent and inappropriate for a parent to put so much affection and attention on a child, especially a grown child. Glad to hear you're getting the ducks in a row.
Perhaps in the future if DH wants to spend time working with SD they can go off somewhere and volunteer.
Relationship Bill of Rights
Relationship Bill of Rights
I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
I have a right to follow my own values and standards
I have the right to say no and not feel guilty.
I have the right to experience and express my feelings.
I have the right to feel safe.
I have the right to take time for myself.
I have the right to change my mind.
I have the right to ask for what I want.
I have the right to ask for information.
I have the right to make mistakes.
I have the right to do less than I am humanly capable of doing.
I have the right to be me and feel good about myself.
I have the right to leave conversations with people who make me feel put down or humiliated
I have the right to act only in ways that will promote my dignity and self-respect.
I have the right to feel scared and say “I’m afraid”.
I have the right to end the relationship.
I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
I have the right to expect honesty from others
I have the right to all of my feelings
I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings, my judgments, or any reason that I choose.
I have the right to change and grow.
I have the right to be happy.
I have the right to make friends and be myself around people.
I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
I have the right to both experience and let go of fear, guilt, and shame.
I hope this helps. I'm
I hope this helps. I'm really sorry you have to endure his abuse:-(