Skid Is The Cloned Spawn of Satan Herself.
After helping raise my siblings (as oldest of 6) in a blended family and raising a child with Aspergers as a single parent, I thought I could handle just about anything, or at least figure it out along the way. I was dead wrong.
I have no clue what the h*** I'm doing.
I expect a 7 year-old to lie and behave in a self-serving manner to some degree. I do not expect a 7 year-old to harm her 2yo brother, cry as if she's *truly* remorseful, and then punch BD12 in her injured arm (because she was 'really really angry'). Then, after being called on for her behavior, pulls the "I did it because mommy left and daddy might leave" act in an attempt to guilt-trip DH as a distraction to get out of trouble for what she's just done. It almost worked, except I pulled him aside for a 'time out' at which time he realized what was really happening.
I don't understand what is going on in a child's mind that would compel them to enjoy physically harming other people, or that would give them the skill to manipulate better than an indoctrinated lawyer. DH is heartbroken and he is addressing it as best as he can, but I can't imagine what it must be like to have to deal with a biological child like this, while also trying to protect the rest of the family from this child.
My natural instinct is to protect BD12 and myself (I would not be surprised if I woke up to this child standing over me with a knife). We're looking for counseling for SD7, but I know counseling will take time to work and right now, I am so angry toward SD7 that I don't know what to do with myself. I am praying that we can overcome this, but at the moment, I resent the fact that she's in my home and it's getting difficult to hide it. As a Christian, I know I'm not perfect, but I should be a better person than this and I feel awful for having such intense feelings against a child.
I don't know what to do and I haven't found anything in the Bible that tells me what to do.
Ephesians 2:11 "Get thee to
Ephesians 2:11 "Get thee to StepTalk."
My sd is a hellion, too. She physically tormented her little brother (autistic) every weekend, some worse than others. She also dug her braced elbow into my ribs a couple times. She's a peach.
Had some careful and difficult and sometimes angry discussions with DH. His brain could simply not wrap around it. Finally I took the bull by the horns and shut her down myself. She was 14 by then.
We have not had trouble with her hitting, kicking, or scratching her brother at our house since. She does not like me because she cannot control me. She was also very skilled at the manipulation thing and always got ss in trouble though she was culprit. I told her I saw through her. She admitted it.
If I had been around when she was 7 I have no doubt it would have looked about what you describe. Rise up like the grownup you are and do not stand for the behavior. My sd15 does not like me. But she respects me. Now.
Thank you, I am hopeful I can
Thank you, I am hopeful I can gain grounding as well as you seem to have done.
I do not tolerate the behavior, ever. I just had her removed from her beloved martial arts program. I explained that martial arts are supposed to be for self-defense and personal cultivation and that I will not tolerate her using it to learn new ways to harm people. I also told DH that child counseling was an expectation, not an option - she deserves whatever help she needs and that waiving it off as "she's just adjusting" is not sufficient.
I also had to step in because she's been trying to manipulate DH with guilt trips (last night was an unprovoked, teary-eyed "mommy left you, not me" that had nothing to do with answering why she's been hitting BD12 or SS2). I know that some of it is that she's parroting BM's words, but she's mastered the guilt-trip based manipulation better than any adult I know and I'm absolutely sick of it.
I am exhausted. So exhausted. And still so angry.
Should I talk with Satan
Should I talk with Satan herself?
It is fairly clear that much of the guilt-trip inducing phrases uttered by SD7 are parroted from comments made by BM. BM left, but frequently tells SD7 "I left daddy, not you." So, of course, when we're asking SD why she hit BD12, we were treated to a very teary-eyed (and loud) "Mommy left daddy, not me." We didn't ask about BM and we didn't even mention her, but the attempted distraction did not work and I redirected the conversation to SD7's behavior - tears notwithstanding.
By way of side note, BM left DH one morning, saying she didn't want to be tied down with children anymore. She moved in with her 'fiance' the following day - leaving the kids behind with DH. I don't believe SD7 knows how things truly unfolded (I truly hope not) because she woke up to BM walking out of the house, but the unexpected comment made by SD7 suggests BM had at least some kind of conversation with SD7 and I'm guessing it was recently.
It doesn't sound like BM blamed DH, but it seems this needs to be addressed if SD7 is going to find her grounding and that BM should participate. I ask if I should speak with Satan because Satan's ears close when DH is around and DH becomes accusatory, but Satan seems to think we're friends to a degree - so she might listen to me where she would automatically shut down to DH.
Yes, speak directly to her.
Yes, speak directly to her. She needs to take notice you are an important feature on the landscape. I would say I'm not going to ask why you did it because I don't care. There is no reason for this. If you hit, you lose my ears (cover them up). I cannot hear anything you say or want after you hit. If you feel bad or angry you can tell me "Greek, I feel angry/bad/lonely" and I will help you because I can hear that. (Play with your ears, make some silly ear related gesture).
If you can, make a game out of her learning proper emotional communication. A special signal, flag, dolly, whatever can be involved. So she learns the proper path to get the attention she wants.
But make it crystal clear the hitting (and whatever other terrible behavior you want to extinquish) is a death penalty offense. No sobby explanations afterward.
Your dh will learn from you hopefully but mostly you establish yourself as the Grand Canyon--little girls must watch where they step, all the fun in the world can be had, but do not mess around with the edge of the cliff.
That sounds very rough. I
That sounds very rough. I really like your language about the child counseling. I don't get it. These parents just don't seem to see that a divorce alone would warrant therapy/counseling for a child and if you have one with behavioral issues like you described-NO-it cannot be ignored.
VERY tough to be a step mom. UGH.
Hang in there. You sound like you are on top of it, but honestly your safety and your Birth child's safety are the most important so if you need to remove yourself remove. easier said than done, but i mean so so tough.
Thanks, I appreciate the vote
Thanks, I appreciate the vote of confidence - I think I am more concerned with my budding resentment than with SD7's behavior (at the moment, because her behavior is quite disturbing). If anyone would have told me I'd feel this way about a child before now, I'd have said they were crazy. Yet, here I am.