How to help them feel settled and secure and at home?
When I met my partner he wasn't "allowed" the children overnight after a fall out with their mum. This lasted a while but around the time we decided I would move in overnights were allowed again. Now the children are here about half the time. In the past week they have been here 4 nights, the weekend days and nights, and once for tea.
I just want them to feel settled here. They have their rooms as they want them but plans are always so up in the air. For example we didn't know until Sunday afternoon that we had them that night to sleep and we didn't know until this afternoon that they were here for tea. And even know mum hasn't really decided what time she wants them back. Mum just won't agree to any forward planning and often says she misses them but then wants them to stay here. I just don't know what they make of it all as mum will change her mind so fast.
I really want them to feel like they have a stable life but we have no control over their mum and how she acts. I don't know if there is much we can do to balance it out when they are here. She does some awful stuff like getting them to lie to her family about how much she looks after them and she paints my partner as a useless dad who does nothing and herself as mum of the year.
I don't know what sort of impact it all has on them. My partner and I present a united front and I back him up (not in a nasty way more of a remember that dad did this for you) when they parrot comments from their mum about dad not being a proper parent and she tells them (and everyone else) that she is a single mum. We have had them 5 nights this week and two of those my partner was on nights so I had them on my own as she had no food in and her boyfriend was back at the house. It is so hard not to criticise her when she does things that are bad for the children.
South African law is modeled
South African law is modeled on British law. So some basics would be needed here. Was your partner and the ex married? If not was he put on the birth certificate? What ages are these children? From there the two of you need to make some firm decisions and get a court order in place, assuming paternity tests and so forth don't need to be ordered by the court.
The children are 8 and 13.
The children are 8 and 13. The 13 year old is starting to see through her mum and to see that the home life there isn't normal.
The worry is that both children are pretty defensive of their mum so any sort of legal action will be seen as a threat by her and she will twist things. She already does. Somehow the 9 year old not having had breakfast when we picked him up at 11.30 was his dad's fault and he kicked off. Even though mum never seems to have food in. They were married and he is on both birth certificates.
The problem is that she is totally unreasonable and irrational - there is no telling what she would do. She screamed and swore at the 13 year old when she said that she was going to move out at 16.