Finally realized I was lied to
My Skids SD15 and SS14 live with us FT. I married my husband three years ago, his first wife had died five years before that. When we started dating seriously, he told me the kids were fine (looking back, I see it wasn't true). He told me his kids would always come first (lie), which I was happy to hear since they were young and needed him, but that he would never, ever let me down or let them disrespect me (sort of true, but he didn't have to do anything).
The kids are good kids. SD15 is the easiest to talk to because she's the loudest (which only happened 8 months ago, roughly). Before that both kids were very shy and quiet. SS14 is still extremely shy. Neither of the kids are overly friendly toward me. But at the same time, they do talk when spoken to, are polite when asking me a question, etc. I thought for a while, things would turn bad. They were too quiet, not seeming as accepting as my husband had described. But after a conversation with my SD, I realized that the kids weren't the ones in the wrong. They were suffering from not having a dad.
I can't remember the last time my husband showed an interest in either of the kids. I remember his mother telling him he should be more involved, but I just thought "she doesn't see it because she's not here". But she was right. SD15 is right. He's not a good dad anymore. I know from talking to SD that he was, when their mom was still alive. He sounded like a good husband back then, too, from what I've seen in pictures and videos and heard from others. But with me, I barely see him. He's never done anything to help the kids and I become close. Honestly, I've started to realize he's been using me as a babysitter.
My SS was in hospital last month because of his heart condition (same heart condition that killed their mom) and my husband saw him once in that space of time, when he drove him home. He didn't visit once. My husbands parents and the other grandparents were there. And I brought my SD to and from. That was really what destroyed this marriage for me. Since then, I've been saving up money and I have a plan to leave as soon as I can.
I wish I had seen all this before we got married. I wish I had been smarter and more aware of things. But I wasn't. I let myself be blinded by love for a man, which won't happen again. As of now, there will be little to no contact between my husband and myself and I might even help the grandparents (either side) get custody, if they want. Because this man is not fit to be a father.
Sorry for the rant. I just came across this site and knew I would need to unload at some point. I wasn't expecting it to be this soon lol. 
I did try to suggest it to
I did try to suggest it to him, but he shut me down. Skids have also never had counseling. I agree that he probably isn't over the death, but he's making the kids and I suffer because of it and they're suffering a lot more because they basically lost both parents.
He could be in the house,
He could be in the house, ignoring us. For a long time I believed he was spending quality time with the kids, because I wouldn't see them either. And would overlook the fact I knew they were in their rooms. But yes, a lot of the time he's out with his friends (all drunks) or in the garage.
I tried to do something like
I tried to do something like that, but he refused to show. He rolled his eyes at SS when SS asked for a hug after getting home from the hospital.
I know. It's just part of the
I know. It's just part of the reason I cannot do this anymore.
>I might even help the
>I might even help the grandparents (either side) get custody, if they want. <
Don't bother.
Your husband sounds a lot like Donkeykong (my wife's ex). He's a negligent prick. Doesn't do jack for his son. Treats him like he's personal property. I can't tell you the amount of times we had to deal with a teary-eyed kid whose father promised to take him places (like the movies or to the park) only to have it broken time and time again; not for work or other obligations, but because the father was too busy getting his WOW fix. Father's custody time saw this kid being shuttled off to his grandmother's or to his aunt's (even to neighbor's). Father hardly spends time with him.
Doctor's appointments and dentist appointments? Me and DW take care of all that. Homework, special projects and parent/teacher interviews? Again, always me and DW. Even before I came into the picture it was always DW that took care of everything. DW told me that a typical day would entail the father coming home from work, not saying anything to anybody, and head straight to his computer. He would come down when he was told supper was ready. Again, he wouldn't say a word to anybody, gobble his food and head straight back to his computer.
Everything I wrote above was brought up in custody court. Judge ruled that there wasn't sufficient evidence provided that should deny Donkeykong custody and so custody was split evenly (actually it's more 60/40).
The ONLY time I have seen a parent be denied custody if it was proven that a parent willfully and knowingly placed the kid in danger. Negligence is also difficult to prove because if no harm came to the kid, then how do you prove the parent is negligent?
I'm... I'm stunned. I never
I'm... I'm stunned. I never thought the courts would actually care so little. I'm sorry you had to go through all that.
I'm not. It was trying time
I'm not. It was trying time for DW and I but we learned some valuable lessons. Courts these days RARELY grant full custody to one parent when the other parent is still in the picture and wants his parental rights preserved.
Lawyer told me stories of parents who have no job, no home, addiction problems, etc. STILL maintain partial custody of their kids because it cannot be proven that they have placed the child in danger.
Even when we gave the courts evidence that my SS was placed in situations where he didn't have a bed to sleep on. Had no warm clothes in the winter months (father had no money to buy him a winter coat since had just splurged on a new laptop, etc). It still wasn't enough "proof" that his father was negligent or "unfit".
But hey, each case is different, but PLEASE be careful. If your stepchild's grandparents vy for custody, they could end up losing contact with their grandchildren completely if your husband decides to be a prick and fight.
I agree with ^this^ I think
I agree with ^this^
I think now it's likely he's afraid his son will die as well and have to go through it all again.
I agree 100%. I have no say
I agree 100%.
I have no say and so I can't get them into counseling. It's up to him to do that. I cannot force his hand. I just hope for the kids sake, that they get the love and support they need from someone in the family. Hopefully they the grandparents will get custody.
Yes, sounds like depression
Yes, sounds like depression in the dad. Isolating himself in a hard shell where no emotions are allowed.
This is something you can't fix for him. You can try some of the above suggestions and if something good comes of it, yay. But if you are ready to leave and actually live life, no one can do anything but cheer you on. The whole thing reminds me just a tad of Neil Simon's "Chapter Two." The widower allows himself to live a bit and marries Marsha Mason but is immediately consumed with guilt and depression, leaving her flopping about like a fish on a deck. Maybe Neil Simon can write you out of this mess. Sorry about it.
I'll tell you I agree with
I'll tell you I agree with the others who say he's not over it. I'm the same way. Things that are difficult to face and accept are things I run from. When a loved one is dying, I will avoid them until I'm either forced to be in their presence or until they are gone. That sounds horrible and I feel horrible for doing it, but I simply can't deal with the reality of it. Everyone handles stuff differently. Some of us handle it all wrong.