I'm so sorry. I understand how difficult it is when you can't bring yourself to feel any love for a skid. My initial feeling is to suggest you try to feel sorry for the poor abandoned kid, but I realize that may not work for you.
Hugs.

" She expects us to pick up the slack from her shitty parenting and basically raise her child that is so disobedient a dog listens more."

Well here is your husband's chance to really parent his child. This isn't just BM's child. It's every bit your husband's child as it is hers. If she passed away tomorrow instead of flying off o wherever, he'd be Dad's sole responsibility for the next 11yrs. You and husband having a child together of your own doesn't change that. Neither does the fact that you and Dad both work. Dad will need to look into early morning daycare and after school programs. He'll have to look find care for summer months. He'll also, perhaps most importantly, parent his child and teach SS how to listen.

He'll also need to get the legal parts taken care of to reflect change of custody, CS, and whatnot.

I'm sorry you have got this bomb shell news...... We have SS15 for 2-3 years FT because BM wants to parent from the side lines and not physically parent him ( not even an over night stay) as her BF dosent like the boy.

So we don't have a choice and even though SS prefers to be with his mother, he can't live with her as she conveniently put a restraining order on her own son after he verbally lashed out to her as she abandoned him for the third/ fourth time.

So we do the best given the reality of our situation..... SS dosent want to live with us but has no choice and I continue to have to bite my tounge every single time he leaves his trail of mess and have to deal with the lack of thought and responsibility....I get soooooooooo tired with working FT and then working FT on the weekends to clean the house so I can work with my horses in my spare time as well as do my work at home ( I'm a school teacher)....I get fed up always being the one to suck it up and put on a smile despite feeling the exhaustion and understand SS's being abandoned... I get it poor boy BUT fuck me, I'm the one who's continually exhausted while BM gets a stress free life!

And if BM dropped the restraining order and snapped her fingers his way, SS would be gone in a flash despite us always being there for him and his BM always abandoning him.... He has seen her lies first hand but continues to hope and pine for her... Apparantly she has told him she would drop the order if SS leaves home ( living with us) but then dosent say come and live with her... BM just hates her ex H and is using her own son to punish him... She dosent want SS but doesn't want Dh to have him. It's exhausting!!

We had something similar happen with SD. When she was 10, BM decided she could not be "held hostage by DH's custody arrangements." She dropped of SD & moved 800 miles away. I was appalled that any mother could/would abandon her child. I can't imagine how much worse it would have been it i didn't like her.

Fore-warned it fore-armed. Do not invest much of yourself. This is DH's child; it is HIS job. Stormy has the right of it, SD19 dropped out of college & moved to BM's to live on her couch & not do much with her life. It is truly sad & of course DH & my fault. She does not speak to us & legally took her step-dad's last name. Best of luck to you.

These BMs need a legal kick up the arse and then some.... Ours just seemed to keep getting rewarded for her shitty parenting or lack of I should say! Everyone in our community thinks SHE is the Saint who is hard done by and it's my DHs influence on SS as to why he said those horrible things to her but trust me, I would seriously go through with it and not just say it if I was her kid. She's extremely manipulative and cruel and being pretty, people believe her and her outrageous lies.... The system is stacked in favour of these BMs and against the fathers in our experience.

Good luck.

This is exactly what happened to me. It took me over 2 years to consider really marrying a guy with a kid. I had already raised mine to adults. I met DH when SD was 4. Two yrs later, I finally married him under the assumption SD would only visit us. I was so wrong. Right after we got married, BM got evicted from a basement apartment, lost her job due to 2 felony fraud arrests, and the next thing I knew, SD was living with us full time. For the past 7 years now we haven't had a break from SD and it's been pure hell.

Listen to Echo and make sure from the very beginning that he knows you are not his free babysitter. I had to drill that into DH's head how much I was against raising his kid for him. He got it and put SD in after school care and anything involving school or extra needs, DH deals with all that. I won't lie, it really has been a big interference on my household and really has sucked.

Also listen to Tog and make sure DH gets a CS order! Even if BM fails to pay, at least she will have a constant reminder that she is still required to provide some sort of support to her own kid. She's dropping a huge burden on you guys so you might as well let CS be a pain in her ass. It is so upsetting these BMs who willfully abandon their kids and put the burden on someone else entirely.

I think you have an opportunity to "Fix" the kid. With BM out of the way it is much easier. Odds are she is not coming back. Get CS and spend it on getting him counseling for abandonment and set up structure in your house. We have had full custody of my SS for 3 years now and he is thriving. I didn't particularly like him when we had him 50/50, but now he is a good kid with good grades who is planning on college. BM pops up every 6 weeks like clockwork. 2 hour dinner and she is good for six weeks.

You can do this, just make sure DH steps up and parents. Gotta love another BM who completely gives up on her kid. Ours lives in the subdivision across the street...