How Do You Successfully Disengage From Adult Step Children?
I read the post "Advice wanted on Strategies for dealing with Adult Stepchildren". Unless you need it to respond, I will not go into too much detail of my current issues because mine seems to be like everyone elses. Remarried 15 years. My DH has 2 children and 1 step daughter from his first marriage. Remarried too soon after their divorce. I can't change that.
I am at a decent place with his step daughter which is superficial politeness. I am at a good place with his daughter thanks to her Husband.
The son and his fiancé are the ones I feel I would benefit most from disengaging. Silent treatment etc. DH allowed SS and his then girlfriend to live together in our house (the one I pay for ALL bills and the mortgage) over my request to not have them live together there because if he did that for SS then what happens when my BD wants the same privilege. I'm not a prude. I lived together with college boyfriends but never did that under my parent's or his parent's roofs. For the whole 9 months they rarely spoke to me. DH and the two of them would always be in conversation and watch their shows together. I'd end up going to our bedroom and watching in there. So hard to be ignored in my own house. They ALWAYS thank DH but in most instances, DH has discretionary funds because DH doesn't pay any bills here. DH makes big financial decisions ($10K downpayment gift for their condo etc. without telling me. I "find out" either on Facebook or when I do the books for his business). DH never corrects them and tells them "thank her too" I think, in part, because DH likes to feel good and that blinds him from thinking about others. (I always tell my kids that gifts/assistance are from the both of us and to thank DH too).
I believe that where I am today is due to SS behavior (he's old enough to realize having a good relationship that Mom played a part in their divorce), my behavioral reaction to SS behavior coupled withDH's over indulgence over time, DH's ex poisoning the well and my DH not respecting me in front of SS. My DH, I believe, overindulged SS (now 27) like most divorced parents do out of guilt. I get that. And it's ok for a while but love should not have to come with a price tag especially when you are out of college and now getting married.
So I like the idea of disengagement because I don't want to feel hurt and angry any more. I Think DH should go about with his relationship with SS and his fiancé as he is because that is not my place to dictate otherwise. SS getting married tomorrow. After the wedding, I plan to initiate disengagement.
So...here are my disengagement dilemma scenarios:
-DH constantly praises SS to me (I'm guilty of same at time). Right now I just respond ("That's nice etc. faking it but not wanting to create conflict). Do you just "fake it" to make it peaceful?
-SS works for my husband and I help out there too and I have to sometimes correct his work product. VERY sore spot with me. I was doing the work just fine but because SS didn't really try to find a job after college, DH had him work for him and I was relieved of my duties. That REALLY HURT me! SS does not pay attention to detail which you have to in bookkeeping. DH made me train him. I did and wrote up training docs. Still making mistakes after 2 years. DH wants me to still help out and fix the mistakes and fill in when SS is out.
-DH and I make plans for dinner etc. and then there is history of DH telling me (not asking) that he has invited SS and his now wife for dinner at the last minute. Any suggestions?? Right now, I suck it up and tell myself to do this to make DH happy and that "it's only for a couple of hours"...Usually I'm left out of most of the conversations so I eat, look at my phone etc.
-DH loves to plan family cruises with his son and daughters joining us each year. Usually DH schedules the cruise around grandchildren's school schedule (they are elementary) and my BD cannot make it due to college classes. She has missed out on 2 of these cruises. If I had her there, at least there would be a "friendly". BS usually doesn't go because his special needs group has an annual cruise so I pay for him to be on that one. I try to zone out and "find my happy place" when we are together.
A lot of hurt here that I want to end and I'm hoping that disengagement will be a step in the right direction. I just need to help from those who have done it!
Thanks so much 
Agree. Some counseling. Have
Agree. Some counseling. Have always believed if the good outweighs the bad you try to do your part to make it work.
A lot of this is on me. I
A lot of this is on me. I hate asking for $. I'm
Thinking why should I have to. DH owns a business and when I see cash flow I hate asking if I know what is in there. I have some financial entanglement in the business with the building loan. I told DH that I really don't enjoy coming in there to work because it's a reminder of the hurt. I told him that he really hurt me. Some times he really gets it. Time for me to make some consistent changes with my well-being in mind. I used to justify that once child support was over, once the business gets more profitable (we have the opportunity now with a new customer) and that if single, I'd still have to pay for my son and me to live. My son is 27 with Asperger's. DH is excellent with him.
Frankly, I'd disengage from
Frankly, I'd disengage from the husband, as well. It really doesn't sound like you have much of a marriage. Sorry.
I do and it' comes around.
I do and it' comes around. There is still more good than bad. We all have our limits. I initiated the divorce in my first marriage because my limit was reached.
Thanks! Good start for me.
Thanks! Good start for me. Easier if we didn't live close by!
Your DH is being very
Your DH is being very disrespectful to you! He needs to pay more for the monthly bills instead of financing family cruise vacations. He needs to respect you enough to check with you prior to inviting his SS and guest for dinner.
He let you go from a job you were doing to hire his son who continually makes mistakes. DO NOT FIX THEM. If he though SS was competant to do the job, leave him to it and he can fix his own mistakes.
I also think seeing a counselor for yourself would be helpful to find out why you think it is OK to be their doormat - mainly your DH's.
I find it hard to believe the good outweighs the bad in this marriage quite frankly. Finances, your time together and your career have all been negatively affected by this dysfunction.
Disengage from both of them for your own sanity and take care of yourself FIRST from now on. Take your DD with you when it suits you and stop planning around Skids schedules - that is not fair to your bios.
I speak freely here as I was once a doormat too LOL. I found an inner strength and finally stood up for myself and our bio-son. Disengaged from SD for a few years now and feel more at peace than ever before. You can do it too!
I think it will come in
I think it will come in steps. I have my own full-time job. I started doing his books on nights and weekends because the girl helping left. DH knows attendance is a concern with SS (mental health and always getting sick).As far as firing offense on carelessness DH views this task as a "necessary evil" but doesn't get involved. He "has people" in places he thinks can do the job. He has SS doing a lot of other things so for SS this is one of many tasks but nobody knowsit's a problem until I come in and reconcile before data goes to auditor and CPA. Firing offense prob not. Huge frustration for me as I felt like ai belonged like a lot of small business owners the spouses are a team. Do I make mistakes, I'm sure I do but his are pure carelessness.
Problem with individual counseling for marital issues is that for them to work I think it should be joint. There could be things I'm doing that are equally aggravating. Communication is not strong for him because his 1st marriage involved a lot of confrontation so he learned in al-anon to detach.
The individual counseling
The individual counseling would be for your issues, not just the marital issues. You need to figure out why you are willing to let your DH treat you the way he does. You let him walk all over you! A therapist can help you increase your self esteem and can help you clarify what you really want in your marriage.
Once you get things figured out for yourself, you can start marriage counseling.
you pay all the bills and
you pay all the bills and that leaves him with "discretionary" income. really? who said it was "discretionary"? your DH? hahahaha! date night with SS? gives your job to SS and then expects you to clean up his mess? enjoys family time with his son and his g/friend, leaving you alone? i'm sorry hon, this all doesn't leave a whole lotta "good" left. the disrespect is staggering! forget marriage counseling, you need a therapist to find out why you allow all this to happen. take care of YOU first. please come back and update us with how you've taken charge of your life. good luck, hon.
SS moved out last year.
SS moved out last year. Things much better after that. Our time is spent mostly at home watching our shows together an d we do travel together without the family and with. He tells me to ask him for $ but I am not an asker, I think he should know since we have utilities to live. I also know he doesn't always have the money when I could use it because I see the books and there are peaks and valleys due to the nature of the business. No joint accounts. He has come a long way with communication. I try to be direct (but respectful) and honest.
Time to focus on me. We just lost his mom this week after being in hospice and his Dad before 7 months ago. Two pets passed in between and a job layoff with the fortune of finding a better job. All this in one year so it's now time for some down time and time for me.
Sorry about your DH losing
Sorry about your DH losing his Mother. Was he paying half of the bills before his Mother died? If he wasn't, this has nothing to do with his Mother's death, and you are making excuses for him. You are not an 'asker'? I'm sure he knows there are utility bills - and there are other bills that he should be paying 1/2 of. He's got it made. I agree with the other posters who say DH is the problem. He's taking advantage of your generosity and lack of self worth. Please go to a counselor and find out why you put up with this.
The bill issue has been
The bill issue has been pretty much for the whole duration. He/business pays for car insurance and he'll pay for groceries. He does not draw a salary. I find it hard to ask when I see not enough $ at a moment in the books or on-line accounts bcause I know their overhead.
We have been married 36 years
We have been married 36 years and I have told my story here; so will give some insight. My DH pays the utilities, auto/home insurance, and property taxes. This adds up to a good sum each month. DH has his own credit card and I have my own credit card; each card earns points with no annual fee. Each card is paid every month (no interest). I give DH $$$$ cash each month, from my retirement for groceries and incidentals. If I am going to the store or need cash, I ask him and he hands over. I don't ask unless it is for the purpose the $$$$ is met. I don't keep track of the bottom line and DH is able to rat hole the left over $$$ each month, when I refresh the slush fund. I have figured all of this out and it is fair on both ends. We have joint bank accounts and everything we own is joint on paper. We also have Wills.
The SD55 and both SS's are another issue. They do not live with us and hopefully never have to. I have no insight on your situation there. Each of us here have horror stories on the skids and bio kids.
Sally has good advice on this post. With all of my issues with DH and SD, I have disengaged completely from their situation; it is now their problem. DH and I are working at putting all of the drama behind us. It is not easy, each day is a new challenge; but we have made great progress. As long as I'm with DH, I have to deal with his kids. I do not have bio children. I suggest you disengage slowly and completely and rid yourself of all the drama and stress FOR YOU. Don't discuss disengagement or try to make anyone understand; it's your gift to YOU.
I feel bad for you; but I believe the bottom line is for you to sit down with your DH and set reasonable boundaries, concerning skids and finances; I would consider rearrange your finances so that both of you have control on the same grounds.
Good luck and keep us posted; we are here to support and listen.
Sounds like you have
Sounds like you have abandoned yourself for the sake of "peace"...I did that for a long time until I didn't even know who I was anymore trying to accommodate the insatiable appetite of the step family....At some point, if you do not get honest with yourself....you risk completely disappearing as an individual...
Forget dh and forget stepfamily for now...focus on yourself...get some counseling that will help you learn why you have allowed these people the power to dismantle you as a person...
It doesn't matter who likes where you are in life...That is just where you are...so what if they don't get it...Be true to yourself...no one else is watching your back in this relationship...so you will have to learn to cultivate the self respect and dignity for yourself...a good counselor will help you with that part of your journey...Just because we chose to marry someone with children does not mean we have to sell out our souls...
Once I regained my individualism again...I established LOTS of boundaries...Healthy boundaries that keep the destroyers at bay...I had to constantly verbally remind dh when he crossed the boundaries of dignity and self respect..."They do not get to do that"....
It took a long time...(and dh is still learning)...but he is slowly coming around to my new found freedom...He doesn't like it sometimes...but that is not my problem...That is his to deal with...
IF YOU HAVE TO ABANDON YOURSELF AS AN INDIVIDUAL IN ORDER TO SUSTAIN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER PERSON...IF THEY REQUIRE THAT FROM YOU...THAT IS NOT LOVE...THAT IS ENMESHMENT AND IT IS NOT SAFE....and YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PARTICIPATE WITH ANYONE WHO TRIES TO MANIPULATE YOU IN THAT WAY....
a genuine relationship is between two people with MUTUAL respect for each other...who BOTH choose to participate in the relationship...YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CHOOSE TO HAVE A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO IS GOING TO CONTINUE TO DAMAGE YOU AS A PERSON...they are not your children...We get to choose....
the same goes for dh...it is MUTUAL....
One person going 300% only to find yourself abused and rejected is not a relationship...That is called groveling...and it is hard to respect someone who does not respect themselves....
Sometimes we deflect our inability to look at ourselves onto others...That is where we get into trouble...and that is where we hand over the power...Yes, they treat you like you don't matter...it is because you allowed them to...Screw waiting for dh to handle it...if they are that toxic...stay away from them...but also stand your ground on anything that effects your world...
I would put them on the back burner of life and really concentrate on building yourself back up again...get a new vision for yourself...(it may not include stepfamily)...mine didn't..and that is where I finally broke free from the same unhealthy co-dependency that has trapped you in this snare...
push the reset button on your life and your destiny...don't wait another day...life is too short..I pray you will have the strength and the courage...It is worth it!...peace
Good advise
OMG! I don't know if you helped her but you sure helped me see things clearer.
I am disengaging as well and you make a lot of sense.