Advice on getting ss9 to sleep alone.
Hi there. When they were married, my dh and bm let their children cosleep -- well, she did, which often left dh sleeping in one of the children's beds. . Since I moved in, neither of the boys (ss9 and ss12) have tried once to get into bed with us. Though bm has beds for them, she doesn't even have them set up because she thinks they should sleep with her. The two have some serious attachment issues, but (at the request of ss12, who has started puberty and wants privacy) have just gotten their own bedrooms. SS9 has me at wits end since the separation. He comes down about once an hour to say that he can't get to sleep, and then starts crying when you explain to him that he needs to return to bed, relax, and sleep will come naturally. He is afraid of everything in his room, but won't get rid of any of the things and refuses to sleep with a stuffed animal for comfort. My dh works early, which leaves me as the one up all night dealing with it, or he would be knocking on our bedroom door every hour.
I'm starting to worry we aren't going to be able to break him of this any time soon since his bm has them sleep with her. Does anyone have an experience with this, or any advice as to how to encourage him to be brave?
I should also mention we have them a majority of the time -- she only has them two weekends per month.
Keep doing what you are doing
Keep doing what you are doing ... or ..... run his ass ragged until 01:00 and then dump him in his bed when he passes out. Wake him up at 05:30 and run his ass ragged again the next day and do not let him nap at all. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Do not convince him to sleep in his own bed and do not give him a choice. Wear his ass out and he will never even know he slept in his own bed until the next AM when Kid Sleep In His Own Bed boot camp starts again.
End of problem.
Tough situation to be in for
Tough situation to be in for all those concerned. Find a therapist
but also establish a ritual before going to bed where you straighten his
room, shine bright light into corners, may turn on some white noise
machine to help your SS deal with fears. My older son around the age of 11-12 used to have
a lot of anxiety and would tell me that he was afraid to sleep in his
dad's house eowe because dad's bedroom door would be locked.
He is very into routines and rituals and they helped him at our house.
Sameness and predictability soothe... and help self soothe.
It's a skill he will need to develop. Don't shame him, reward him
for being able to tolerate minor anxiety provoking episodes
in the hope he will learn from them.
I honestly have thought they
I honestly have thought they both could benefit from seeing a therapist. They both cry at the drop of a hat, which isn't going too well for the older boy that is in middle school. I've never seen such emotionally unstable kids simply based on the fact they've never had to be independent before. Whenever put into any role where they need to show independence, they panic immediately and cry. Aside from that, they're both happy, caring, little boys.
Very upsetting, my dh ended up going to sleep in SS9's room at 4a last night because I had developed a migraine, so I feel like everything that happened up to that was pointless now. I've tried to explain to him that he is enabling his behavior by doing that. I'm sure some people have great experiences with attachment parenting, but I feel like this has to be worst case scenario. Neither of then can be alone because they don't know how, and I'm at a loss of how to deal with it because I've never seen it before. SS12 was bad alone until his friends started busting his balls for living in a big house and sharing a room with his (at the time) 8 year old brother. It has definitely forced him to confront his fears.
I agree the fears are legit to SS9, but at the same time think he won't let us remove what he's afraid of, because if he diminishes the fears then it will seem reasonable for him to be alone, which I believe to be what he is ultimately afraid of (not the look rocket raccoons face has in a nightlight.)
We've tried letting the dog sleep in his room also, to protect him if any of his fears come true. I was on the fence about this, but after multiple sleepless nights (with no naps during the day) it seemed worth a try. He still ends up getting up and crying, because he literally needs someone in bed holding him. My dh has at least been good about not going that far with it, but we have caught his brother in bed with him in the morning on multiple occasions spooning him.
I've been careful not to make him feel ashamed of his fear. I just tell him I was afraid to sleep alone when I was little too, but I had to face my fears. I tell him he's a big boy now that he has his own room, and he has to try to be brave like I know he can be.
Chilax, you can't blame
Chilax, you can't blame co-sleeping. These kids have some neurosis requiring therapy. A well-adjusted and non-mind-fucked kid doesn't have these issues with co-sleeping and it can work well.
When myy oldest was little he would literally cry until he puked if we left him in his crib. So we did cosleeping. *shrug* He's 5 and well in his own bed now, no issues. It worked for us because our kid doesn't have other issues going on.
That being said, at NINE this is a whole different issue than just "cosleeping" and the kid probably does need some therapy.
I get the cosleeping thing,
I get the cosleeping thing, especially during the first yearish of a child's life, but there is absolutely no way I could reason out having a child in my bed for over a year. I think the child learning that crying doesn't solve every problem is a great lesson, not to mention I wouldn't want the strain on my marital relationship. That being said, it just wouldn't work for me, and I'm sure it works fine for others. I do believe there should be a line though, and that line certainly shouldn't be puberty. There has been some serious tension between dh and bm because of ss12 going through puberty. Both my dh and I do not think its heathy for him to wake up with erections sandwiched between his mom and brother. I feel like that could be psychologically damaging. I think waiting until they were this age to force any type of independence on them is tragic. Putting them in their own bed as you said you did with you child, should definitely be done around that age at the latest in my opinion. I don't have any of my own children, so this is all new to me. I'm thankful to hear multiple perspectives though. Thanks!
Thanks for all the input
Thanks for all the input everyone! It is definitely helping me sort this entire situation out.
It's probably slightly
It's probably slightly different with boys, but my SD would often get into bed with her mum as she had trouble sleeping on her own. She also used to hate sleepovers at friend's houses. Maybe it was due to abandonment issues with her BF.. we're not sure, but it tapered off over time. It never completely stopped, but instead evolved into more of a mum-daughter ritual when there was a good late night movie, or on a Sunday morning. She's 22 now, and it still happens occasionally!
Think yourself lucky! Ive
Think yourself lucky! Ive been living with my partner for 16 months, and we have never spent a night in the same bed. SD11 demands SO sleeps with her, so she does. Now the SD4 has started saying the same thing...so she does. Talk about rod for your own back!