How do I deal with a soon to be adult step son that isn't accepting of me?

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I am engaged to my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years. We are getting married in a couple of months. He has 2 grown sons. One of which has never been accepting of me. I have 2 teenage kids that are very respectful towards him. His son is also getting married in a little over a month. I recently found out that he invited his dad to his bridal shower but I wasn't invited. My fiancé is own the fence whether he should go or not. Knowing all of this he invited him & his fiancé to our after wedding party. Am I being selfish for not wanting them there when I don't get the same respect?

Thank you for your advice. I

Thank you for your advice. I am so glad I found this forum. It feels really good to be able to talk to ppl who are going through similar situations. My fiance has decided not to attend the shower. He said he is marrying me & I am his priority. He said I wasn't invited therefore he will not be going. Thank you for listening & letting me vent.

This is actually a couples

This is actually a couples shower. I of course would rather not go but that is besides the point here. My name should've been on the invitation just as his son's fiancé was on our invitation. Truth be none I'd prefer them not to get an invitation but that his son & I know that was the right thing for him to do. My fiance isn't going to the shower. He said he is marrying me & I am his priority. I didn't get invited so therefore he will not be going. Thank you for listening & letting me vent

Thank you

A very good sign that your

A very good sign that your spouse to be will not permit you to be stomped upon. I hope he will always stand up for you both. To see a grown child acting in such a manner is ridiculous, especially given that you had not a single part in ownership of his parents parting ways. Why do kids do this? I just don't get it as they are supposed to have lives of their own.

I dated a guy for years, nursed him through several long illnesses, met him years after the marriage was over, and when his almost 30 year old daughter was getting married I was told that I may attend the wedding as a "friend" and that I should have no expectation of sitting with the father of the bride, dancing with him, or being in any pictures beyond the accidental candid. I was told this by my boyfriend. It probably would have been better not to have been invited rather than to have been invited but expected to "remember my place" as what could only be described as distant friend of the family. Needless to say I walked out and never looked back. I know from mutual friends that his kids still love behaving this way, but now they do it from a distance as both have moved several states away. He is of course alone, weak and none too young.

You are very lucky indeed, and I wish you every happiness! Try to avoid the crazy son as much as possible and all should be well especially since his father seems to have his number!

Thank you for your advice. I

.

Thank you for your advice. I

Nope, you are not being

Nope, you are not being selfish or unreasonable. If I was invited to a wedding and my bride was specifically excluded I would send my regrets. No explanation, no comment just "Regrets - Zero" on the RSVP card.

If his son calls to discuss it your groom can give his rude spawn clarity. "I am sorry son, as I indicated on my RSVP I will not be attending. I will not be able to attend as my bride and I attend these things together. I am disappointed in how rude you are to exclude tmax and as your dad I am embarrased for you. Of course I would love to be at your wedding and tmax and I will gladly accept when you send a corrected invitation. Buh-bye."

I would use this opportuntiy to bare rude SS's ass and whether you and your groom attend his wedding or not invite rude SS and his wife to your event. Play the sticky sickeningly sweet card and say "Hello Rude-SS, I see you accepted our invitation to you and your bride. I would have loved to have been invited and to have attended your wedding with my husband but I was not invited. Please enjoy yourself. Hug, hug, kiss, kiss." And then wink at his wife and welcome her to the family. }:)

Your groom has it right IMHO and needs to put his foot up his rude spawn's ass.

Don' let this jerk off ruin your celebration or kill your bliss. The greatest revenge is living well, being happy, and rubbing it in the faces of the toxic opposition.

IMHO of course.

It's not like I really want

It's not like I really want to go. I can't stand either one of them. They think they are better than everyone & I can't stand ppl like that. The point is I get excluded from everything. They invite my fiancé to their house for Christmas, Father's Day, his birthday, now this. This was my breaking point. I spent hours on the Internet trying to find advice on how to handle adult step children and found this site. I love it! It feels so good to vent & talk to people who understand. I am very thankful that my fiancé gets it & isn't going. He also understands he is no longer invited to any functions we have until he can treat me with some respect. And yes, you are right. I would love nothing more than to rub our happiness in their snotty little faces on our big after wedding party & I think that's exactly what I'll do :)Thanks again

I completely understand the

I completely understand the issues with exclusion. My IL clan has always treated my bride and I (she is eldest of 4 sibs) as the idiot rich city relatives who are clueless. They are all in an endless loop of bankruptcy, personal, and family destruction due to their absolute inability to move past trying to make a living in agriculture. The do not have the resources to do it on a sustainable scale that will support them so they basically go continually broke on what is little more than a very expensive hobby.

It has gotten better over the years but we still get the 'poor idiots' look from all of my ILs when we are the only branch of that family who is successful at any level.

We just live happily which I think is part of their issue. Our life comparatively has no drama while their lives are nothing but drama.

Now when it comes to my SS's SPerm Clan, they just think we are evil since they have the superiority associated with their fringe Christian cult and the Lord tells them that their perspectives are right while ares are evil and wrong. We just make sure to shred them in court and bare their idiot asses publically, socially, financially, and in their "church" community. And we have fun doing it. }:)

Our life together is going well, the Skid (SS-22) has been raised to be a viable self supporting adult and at 22 is far more successful than all of the combined preceding generations of the Sperm Clan combined. Most aggrivating to them, he has no use for them and no longer needs us to address their toxic bullshit. He handles them very effectively on his own. Of course he knows we are there and have his back if he needs us.

Live well and be happy.

How dare you and future

How dare you and future husband find happiness with each other! How dare your fiance even think of getting married. He should be be busy catering to and doling out money to his adult son. The son deserves all the happiness in the world but dear old dad...no no no. Dad's sole happiness should come from meeting his son's financial and emotional needs until the day he dies. Dad's exclusive loyalty should be to his first family. You are getting in the way of all of this and adult son
is throwing a temper tantrum.

Now is the best time to set

Now is the best time to set the precedence and establish the defining roles you will play in your relationship...If your dh clarifies that you and he are one, and it really isn't stepson's place to enter any type of opinion on your chosen relationship with each other...How exclusive you two are as a couple is totally your choice...the line does need to be defined for future reference...

The stepson is out of line...if he has something to say...he needs to be direct about it...none of this Half invitation...beating around the bush covert messaging...He is not marrying you...your fiancé is...It is not up to ss to weigh in on anything regarding your relationship...that is between you and your fiancé...it is exclusive to the relationship itself...There is an invisible circle that surrounds you and your soon to be husband that no one else should be able to enter in to ...The "us" circle...You and your fiancé should discuss what areas and the expectations you have from each other will be included in that circle...Finances? Issues with each other? what do you want to remain private between the two of you...Step son does not reside in that intimate circle...His likes or dislikes regarding your personal decision are none of your business and quite frankly your personal decisions as a couple are none of his business...

If your fiancé can clearly draw the boundaries and communicate the priority these boundaries have...you will have a better level of respect (hopefully) from your ss in the future...but if the boundaries are not clear...your ss will undoubtedly continue to trespass that invisible line, creating problems for your fiancé and yourself in the future....(and they always seem to go farther and farther into your business until someone finally says enough is enough)...

The biggest thing is to make sure you and your fiancé are in total agreement and are clear about where you want these boundaries to fall...because they will be challenged...and if you are in agreement, then the s kids cannot come between you...other wise, you may find yourself being divided as a couple and your fiancé may find himself in the awkward position of having to choose between his wife or his kid...that shouldn't happen if each person knows their own position in the family structure...

You and your fiancé are a unit...not you, your fiancé and his adult son...many step kids do not know their proper place and have not had clear boundaries for their entire life...If you start out clear, strong, and united...the adult son should get the picture early in the game, and save himself future embarrassment in his ill-treatment of you...

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How do I deal with a soon to be adult step son that isn't accepting of me?