I can see why your SS does not want his half brother to be a groonsman, there is a bit of an age difference.  Having a groomsan under 21 can present problems for bachelor party. 

Tradiitonal etiquette is that the parent who primarily raised the bride or groom (usually but not always the mother) gets dibs on front row.   You may think you get along well, but people may just be polite.

Is your DH paying a significant part of the wedding? 

I think you guys should all go and sit together.  I dont think staying home will make the relationship with stepkids and  your kids any better.  

Ah, Stepmother wedding etiquette or “wedding etiquette” in general. . . BS.  Wedding etiquette used to say only married or engaged couples were to be invited, bride was to wear white (to appear moreso virginal), guests of the bride were supposed to be on one side, while the groom’s guests on the other, and so on.  Right up there with other now-seen-as-very old-fashioned etiquette like a woman is supposed to always walk on a man’s right.

Well, of course nowadays dating couples are invited to weddings all the time, brides can wear red or even black as a gown, if they so choose, true virgin brides are quickly becoming endangered species, and it is not uncommon for wedding guests, family and friends to sit wherever, and I know I certainly never have ever paid attention to which side I’m walking on with my DH.

Yet, for some !@#$!@ reason, these archaic medieval step-mother wedding etiquette “rules” seem to ever-persist.  In reality, there is no such thing at all as overall, 100% done-deal wedding etiquette rules.  People getting married, wedding planners, clergy, all pick and choose which ones they want to abide by, and then throw those out to all as being some sort of “rule” that has to followed!!  My God!  Is the planet going to stop spinning because dad and his wife along with BM (and her BF or spouse, perhaps) all sit in the front row!?

I can’t help but think that the real reason why these BM up front with her hew husband, dad in row #3 or whatever with his new spouse, or BM and bio-dad up front, while SM has to sit way in the back and so on type rules exist is that both BM and step-kids don’t really want to face reality.  So, since they are usually the ones controlling the funds or how the money is spent, it comes down to, “Let’s dig deep in the history books or make up a rule to find one in order to treat SM like shiatsu, and in the meantime, that'll also serve the purpose of letting dad know he is the lesser parent too.”  That is really all it comes down to sometimes, I swear. 

So, there is really absolutely no reason whatsoever for you and your husband to be in row #5; or, if your
DH really wants to sit up front or next to his daughter, he has to somehow nix you.  Just stupid.  What a way for an engaged couple to treat another married couple or long-term SOs.  I find it hard to believe, for example, that no one would have a problem with full-sibling and her boyfriend of 3-months sitting together up front, perhaps in the front row no-less, but bio-dad and his wife (SM) of 10+ years, no way!  Now how hypocritical is that!?

BEST ADVICE if you are a SM invited to a “family” wedding:  Either go playing the flaming 2nd wife to the max., being by your husband’s side (as any other married couple gets to do).  Go looking like Sophia Vergara in a red dress.  Or, sit the whole thing out, and instead plan a spa day, the day of the wedding, and hang out with your friends and other people who really care about you.

I don't think this is something you should get bent out of shape about.  Your SS is free to choose his groomsmen - he is not required to choose brothers or relatives.  He is closer to his friends than he is to his half brother.  He was considerate enough to take your DH and DS out to explain it to them.  I have no issue with his choice.  I have two sisters (full sisters) and I had two bridesmaids at my wedding.  Both were my friends, not my sisters.  I'm closer to my friends than I am to my sisters, and I only wanted two attendants.  I gave my sisters other roles in the wedding and they were fine with it.  As for the seating - sit with your husband in the fifth row and at a regular table.  In the long run it really doesn't matter where you sit.  Probably some of that is beyond your SS's control and is being dictated by the bride and her family.  Is your husband paying for or contributing to the wedding?  If so, he should have a bit more say in stuff like that.  If not, he should choose to sit with you and not make a fuss.  As for your parents - well, again, if your DH is paying for a chunk of the wedding he might want to push to have them invited.  If not, face the fact that they're not family to your SS and they didn't make the list.  Buying Christmas and birthday presents over the years doesn't buy you a seat at the wedding reception.

Compared to some of the stories we hear on here where the SM isn't even invited, this isn't a big deal.  If I were you, I would not make it one.  It will only harm the relationship going forward.

Yes you are being told you and your family is not wanted. Nothing you can do about DS.  If you are paying a good amount towards the wedding DH should have a say in the seating.  If you are not paying not much you can do.  If BM is paying she is displeased in you not paying. 

I agree with Idvilen, "Stepmother wedding etiquette or “wedding etiquette” in general. . . BS."  Giving BM and her husband an honored seat in the first row and shoving SM to the fifth row is a blatant demonstration of disrespect for DH - and especially SM. By all rights, BM's husband should be sitting in another row also.  The same with seating at the reception.  DH should inform them that he will sit in the first row with SM or he and SM will not attend.  Period. 

As far as DS and DD's being part of the wedding, it should be the decision of the Bride and Groom, and family members should not be offended if the Groom prefers to have his best friend as his best man.

I don't think it's a big deal that SS didn't ask your kids to be groomsmen. I DO think that he's made it very clear that he does not consider you family. Your DH can push SS on the seating arrangements a bit I guess to see if he can affect that change.

But if SS won't change his mind, you can either go along with his wishes, or you can choose not to go to the wedding at all. If it were me, I'd not go to the wedding as an indication that I heard loud and clear that I am not family. And your parents can stop sending gifts, as they are not family either.

I'm sorry you're caught up in wedding drama. It is pretty common. I was invited, uninvited, and then reinvited to my SD's wedding.

It sounds as if SS is giving the best he is willing to offer to a father that he obviously still has unresolved feelings about...I mean hello the kid legally changed his name!

Just because you feel as if things are good and you get on well with the SS does not mean that's how the SS feels about it all.

Personally I would not attend the wedding, but that is just me, why sit there and pretend like you are all one big happy family when it's obvious you are not.

Every wedding I've been to, the groom's family sits on one side of the aisle, and the bride's family sits on the other. What's up with you being 5 rows back, how many parents does SS have?  How short are these pews? Why can't BM sit in the front row, along with you and DH and any grandparents?

As for the head table, let DH sit up there with BM if he's so inclined. If he has a brain, he will join you at the other table.

And stay out of who SS chooses as his groomsmen. That's his business, and your DS's relationship with his brother is between them. 

With regards to the groomsmen issue I don't think your SS did anything wrong. He can decide who he wants to stand up with him.

I think it was very nice of him to take out his father and brother and explain the situation. He was being respectful in my opinion.

As for where you sit for me those things don't bother me. However, I do think your husband should sit with you and your minor children. I am unclear why you all can't sit in the 2nd or 3rd row closer to the front. At the reception its much more enjoyable to sit at a table than up with the wedding party. When I am at weddings we rarely stay in our seats and are usually playing musical chairs socializing with others there.

For not inviting your family they get to decide who comes to their wedding especially if they are paying for it. My mom had the same issue with my sister. She and her husband paid for the entire event themselves. My mom wanted certain people to be invited that my sister did not want to pay for. As a compromise my mom offered to pay for the added cost for those people to attend. If you want your family there is that something you can afford and maybe the bride and groom would be receptive?

It doesn't sound like your husband and SS are very close. How did he not know he didn't have a gf since he was 15. My father and I were never close but he still knew the names of my friends at that time. Maybe he was an un-involved father in that he did not ask questions or care to meet the parents of the gf? My father was that way. I talked about people in my life but he never asked to meet them. He also never met my sister's inlaws until the engagement party.

Also remember the bride may be dictating certain things in regards to the wedding. Some grooms don't want to get involved with the planning

This sounds more of an issue between your husband and SS. There relationship may not be that close and that is fine if both of them accept the way the relationship is.

I am not overly close to my father for many reasons prior to my SM becoming in my life. She and I are cordial to each other but we are not friends. (This works for both of us and there is no animosity) She is respected and my father loves her. That is all I can as a stepchild ask for. I'll be honest if I ever get married I will probably elope to avoid all the family drama a wedding will entail. In my heart I would not want my dad walking me down the aisle. I do know this will hurt him so for me a destination wedding would be better.

I understand that you are hurt. But has your children expressed disappointment in not being in the wedding. I hate being in them and always prefer to go as guests.

I don't think anyone is wrong but trying to figure out what is the right thing to do in this situation. If you are really that upset I would openly speak to your SS and his fiance to let them know how you feel. Not in a hostile way but with caring. Sometimes we don't know we are hurting others unless that person communicates why they are not happy.

you have to think in a pragmatic way. For example, my DH sees his boy EOW, while the BM is visiting the boy at the ILs almost every day. Naturally, the boy will be closer to the BM than DH. 

If your SK used to live full time with his BM, her gardener etc became his daily contacts while your parents, he would see them on a limited occasions (I don’t know the exact situation, just imagining)

I personally am completely disangeged from the boy. My parents never see him at all, they in fact met him only once, at our wedding. I would not expect the boy to invite me or DD or my parents to his important events such as a wedding. I would let my DH go and stay home instead. And I prefer this organization than having the boy constantly at my house, dealing with his life. Anyway, good luck and don’t be upset too much. You have your 3 children, you will have plenty of marriages sitting in a front row. Let your DH deal with this particular situation and take care of yourself 

A wedding must be THE day for the future spouses. They want to invite animals from the shelter? So be it. They do not want to invite anyone ? Hell, it is their choice (given the fact that they pay for the reception) 

My own wedding was a huge compromise from my side and I resent my DH for that. I hate huge events, I am agoraphobic and also feel responsoble for my guests. I never organize a party of more than 8 people, because I suppose that if I invite someone, I must be able to give personal attention to my guests.

well, DH is coming from a family that organizes wedding parties for 150/200 people. I almost cancelled the whole thing when the MIL started to invite her friends etc (we were paying ourselves). So we found a compromise. For me an ideal wedding is only best friends + parents at a remote location type Maldives. For DH it is this whole bunch of people. We ended up with 40 guests and it was way too much for me, I hated every singe moment of this event, except the photo shoot where we were only the two of us. I insisted on having my perfect wedding for our anniversary. Maldives, only the two of us, simple clothing, beautiful surrounding and absence of additional people. It was beautiful ! 

Meh, I don't see this one as really being anything about the SM or that there is a SM at all. Nothing about trying to treat Sm as a second class an have Daddy front and center with BM. Nope none of that.

My take on this is the SS is trying to include his father (and father's family aka SM and half siblings) as being honored guest (this is not the first time I've heard of the divorced parents being seated third to fifth row with BM's family first rows).... it's not like SS just sent Dad an general invitation and let him be seated with the regular attending guest whether the usher set him.

I wasn't sure at first (based solely on the original post), but the more comments/replies from OP herself added much more info. 

If Dad keeps rejecting the current plans and keeps fighting to change what the SS and bride have planned, Dad is going to find himself uninvited at worse and/or fairly more estranged from his son at best. This son has already shoved his father out one (the name change). 

Why the hurt feeling over OP's bio son being an usher rather than a chosen groomsman? Yet no fuss over neither of the half sisters not being anything? Seems selective hurt. Besides, it is not unusual for the groom to choose his best friends for groomsmen. I thought it was very considerate of the SS to sit down and talk with his father and half brother about it, it shows SS at least cared enough to want his half brother to understand why. 

Go, enjoy the day. Have fun, free dinner at reception , the company of your family at your side table. 

TBH - it appears to me that the groom views you, your kids and his father as just guests at the wedding.   I’d probably go to the wedding but sit with my family in the rear rather than sitting near the “special “ guests like you were some kind of wannabes.    And not tarry at the reception. 

every day. According to the Emily Post Institute the SS is correct. This is taken directly from Emily Post:

When divorced parents sit separately, and using the bride’s parents as an example, her mother (and stepfather, if Mom has remarried) sits in the front row. Members of her mother’s immediate family—the bride’s grandparents, any siblings who aren’t attendants, and aunts, uncles, and their spouses—sit immediately behind in the next one or two rows. The bride’s father, after escorting his daughter up the aisle and presenting her to the groom, sits in the next row behind the bride’s mother’s family—usually the third or fourth—with his wife and their family members. This protocol is followed even if the bride’s father is hosting the wedding.When the groom’s parents are divorced, they’re seated in the same manner.

In this case it is the 5th row due to the size of the rows. But in terms of etiquette no one is being shunned or treated as less than because this is the correct seating arrangement. Mom's family and then dad's family and then the rest of the guests when the parents are divorced and even when the dad walks the bride down the aisle. 

I had to Google this just to see what the protocol was. When DS got married we didn't do sides and just set aside the first three rows for family as a whole. Especially since most of the immediate family was part of the wedding party. DD is getting married next year and we will probably do the same. 

This is such cowardly bullshit that it is nauseating.  I was best man at several weddings and my younger brother was my best man.  I explained to my BFFs that my bro was my best man.  None of them took issue with it.  Your SS is a coward. His brother is not a  young child. He is a 17yo young man.  SS needs to explain to his friends that his brother is his best man and he needs to explain to his bride why he will have three men next to him. The bride can have as many as she wants.  Balance is not a requirement IMHO.

In my first marriage my XW forced her brother into my wedding party.  She wanted even more attendants but I refused to have her cousins as additional groomsmen so she could have an even bigger herd of bridesmaids.  I told her to have as many as she wanted but my side was set at me +4. I only wanted me +3.

My vote would be that no one goes and that DH explain to his toxic son why he will not be there nor will you or your joint kids.  Have DH explain to SS that SS can explain why SS's family isn't at his wedding but that if DH hears anything but the absolute facts that he will make sure the entire guest list gets clarity.  DH and his wife are no less head table material than BM and her SO.

I also call bullshit on the divorced dad's family is seated behind his XW's family.  If I am dad and I am paying, then I "must be in the front row" with my family and the XW/BM and her family can sit their asses behind me.  Unless they wrote a bigger check. I get the why of the Emily Post etiquette on the whole thing.  But I would not let a toxic XW/BM or XH have any unearned status.  Not one inch of it.  Now, if BM paid for the wedding.. then fine. But if she didn't... "into the back row ... slime queen".

Just my vindictive thoughts of course.

I am sorry that your SS has no balls or character to recognize his father, you and his younger sibs.

Asshole!

So, here is what I would do if you choose to go.  If I was DH I would go and I would bring the entire family with me. I would get there early and I would sit with my bride and my kids on the outside of the first row.  BM can have the isle side of the first row with her DH.  GPs, regardless of flavor, can have the next row, and I would dare SS or anyone else to say one F-in word.  

Same for the reception.  I would go, have my bride and kids with me and I would be ready to bare some ass if anyone made the mistake of saying a word about it.

You, DH and your kids should rock the glam and screw anyone who says one word.  Dress to the 9s, be regal and radiant, and have fun.

People are idiots and they piss me off.  Particularly when they play these kinds of bullshit games with people's emotions.   SS is playing games.

Toxic assholes piss me off!  I hurt for your DH and  your family.

I didn't read all the many comments.  But first off, I am sorry you and your DH are going through this.  It sounds like the relationship with SS is/has been strained. 

I would recommend your DH mentioning to SS, that on this special day celebrating marriage and love, he will also showing this by sitting with his wife (you) and that he loves SS very much and would like to be as close as possible to watch his son get married.  However, given the options you both choose to sit together...in the 5th row.

Then, I'd have VERY low expectations for any recognition or inclusion in this wedding.  Sounds like SS/BM/BM's family are forcing you guys to be on the fringe of things.  Honestly, if they are that concerned with protocol/etiquette, it is going to be a very ugly look for them.

This is part of why I believe in eloping! So much wedding drama.

First of all, it is absolutely up to the groom who his groomsmen will be. That is HIS choice. It makes complete sense that he would pick his best buds. Does't mean your son was "snubbed".

I hate going to weddings but you guys should go and your DH should sit with you, wherever that may be. Who cares? I mean, really, WHO CARES? At least you will be sitting together and they are not demanding that DH sits in front, while you sit somewhere else.

Go to the wedding, attend the reception, eat their food, drink their booze (will there be booze?) and have a great time.

Geez, I hate weddings.

The fact that DH cheated on his then wife and she had to pay his lying cheating a$$ alimony must have been a huge slap in the face to her and her family.  He married well and above his station only to throw it all away for what? A three minute fun ride? Yes it happened a long time ago and kids shouldn't be privy to nasty divorce details but they do tend to find out eventually.  

You mentioned that DH wants to go to counseling with ss, well the kid is an adult now so that boat may have sailed.  The time for counseling was when he was younger. He is getting married and starting a new chapter in his life which probably won't include him sitting in a stuffy office hashing out his parents issues.  He will have his own wife, his chosen last name which his new wife will likely take on as well.  

Right or wrong, your DH made his bed long ago and BM and her family made sure he lies in it.  He married into power and money, betrayed their trust, and now expects to be on equal footing when he never was in the first place.  

Your son is being given a very age appropriate role in the wedding. You and DH are sitting behind BM's family, oh well.  The situation with DH and SS was broken when you married him, your husband caused a train wreck that is still smoldering. All in all the skids have been extremely respectful and inclusive to you and their half siblings. DH screwed up with the first family and there is nothing you can do to fix it or make him an equal parent now. Not your issue. DH should have been thinking with his right head long ago but it's a done deal.  If you're going to go, put on your big girl panties and be supportive of the new couple.  

Your DH has two mutually exclusive seat choices:

1. Sit in front row without you. 

2. Sit further back if he wants to sit with you.

He is NOT going to be happy with either. So stop worrying about making sure that he is happy.   Tell him to make up his mind.  And you can choose your actions (stay or go) next. 

SS and his bride have planned this wedding and have not asked for your help in either planning or paying.  They have invited you, your DH and your children and given you a place of honor at the ceremony (though not the place you want).  Either go in good grace or decline the invitation.  An invitation is not a summons. 

There has been quite a lot of discussion about seating arrangements, and many of the posters have referred to Emily Post who was born in 1872 and divorced her DH in 1905.  She wrote etiquette books to earn money and educate the undignified masses. According to the New York Times, 'Emily was tall, pretty and spoiled.  She grew up in a world of grand estates --'   So she lived in a different world than most of us do.  Many of her standards of etiquette have been revised by her descendants so they may apply to present situations.

Here is an excerpt from the Emily Post Institute:  

'When divorced parents sit separately, and using the bride’s parents as an example, her mother (and stepfather, if Mom has remarried) sits in the front row. Members of her mother’s immediate family—the bride’s grandparents, any siblings who aren’t attendants, and aunts, uncles, and their spouses—sit immediately behind in the next one or two rows. The bride’s father, after escorting his daughter up the aisle and presenting her to the groom, sits in the next row behind the bride’s mother’s family—usually the third or fourth—with his wife and their family members. This protocol is followed even if the bride’s father is hosting the wedding.

When the groom’s parents are divorced, they’re seated in the same manner.'

So DH AND his wife should be seating in the 3rd row - NOT the 5th if there are the typical two rows of seating.

I'm not saying I agree with this or not.  Just sharing information.

But I've noticed that the very posters who recite Emily Post are the ones who seem to get enjoyment at insulting the posters who don't agree with them, posting repeatedly to wear people down to make their point.  Surely, if you want to site etiquette you should be willing to practicing it.

ABM , SS and IL. Are playing with you.  Looks like there already is no relationship it already ended  They are , just trying to put DH down. 

He should. Not go to the wedding,  let them play there games. And not beg and beg ,his DS for anything.  

So the kid that you guys raised on the weekends, who is not asking you to pay for the wedding, wants his half brother to be an usher and you and his dad sit a few rows behind the woman who spent more time raising him. What is the problem, other than your attitude? I am a step mom to two grown boys as well, but I don't have the time or inclination to pull offense out of my ass at every turn. Go to the wedding, take a nice gift. Be gracious and dance, have a good time. Or sit at home and contemplate how terrible your life is, your choice. Every time you create problems where there are none, don't be surprised when the universe throws some real ones at you next time.

My  step daughter just got married this last weekend. I have no idea how much my DH paid or what he did because I was not involved at all. I’m sure he doesn’t want me to know, as when my three older bio kids got married he says it wasn’t our responsibility to contribute financially. My DH has always had guilty dad syndrome with his two adult daughters. Frankly, sometimes I feel like if push came to shove of he would always choose them over me.

 At the ceremony this last weekend I was seated in the front row, but ex wife was seated between DH and I. I don’t understand why it could not have gone in this order… Ex-wife, DH, me. At the rehearsal (which I couldn’t be at)  ex didn’t want to sit on the end seat with DH in the middle because it made her look like she was alone. She wanted to sit in the middle of DH and I.  I guess I should be happy that I was in the front row… But I hate the ex-wife sat in between us.  

 During the photos DH was called in to take family photos with ex-wife‘s family and extended family. I don’t quite understand this. But of course DH happily skipped up there because he would say nothing to ruin stepdaughter’s day. I don’t think that is appropriate at all. If DH needed to be in ex-wife’s family photos he should’ve asked his current wife to be with him instead of making her stand there alone watching. 

 I am so glad this wedding is over. Sorry to sound bitter. 

You know, 187 comments here (as of this moment) and really all we (step-parents) are trying to say is that married couples need to be treated like married couples.  Treat a spouse like a spouse. At a wedding to celebrate marriage and a new married couple, why wouldn't any and all other married couples be seated together, as husband and wife?  I know there is some argument here about 5th row vs. 2nd, or whatever, but at the very least, at a wedding, again to celebrate the sactity and importance of marriage, all couples should be celebrated as such by seating them together.  No questions asked.  SS will be seated up front in the family section with his GF of 3 months.  No questions asked.  Uncle Harry will be seated with his mail-order-bride of 4 months, vs. his ex-wife from 2 yrs. ago.  Why is there any question whatsoever that dad be seated with his wife of XYZ years?  2, 5, 10, 15, 20+ years, and dad and SM (husband and wife) still cannot assume that they'll be seated together at a family event!?