Unruly Step kids... beyond frustrated!
So I've been married to my husband for 2 years and love him dearly. I accepted the fact that he has kids from his previous marriage but I had no idea they would be so unmanageable and have do little common sense. They are only over Saturday night and some Sunday evenings but I find myself feeling like even that is too long of a stay. they are 9, 10 and 12 but act more like 4,5 and 6. Whenever we try to teach them the correct way to do things, I.e. clean their rooms, make sure to pick up behind themselves in the bathroom, wash their hands, flush the toilet, close and lock the door when they come in the house, push their chair in when they get up from the dinner table, place trash in its proper place... you get my point. Basically all the things they should know at their age. Their mother reinforces none of this and they pretty much do whatever they want at home with her so everything my husband and I teach them goes out the window when they leave. Today pretty much did it for me, the 9 and 10 year olds were supposed to be watching a movie but instead they made a huge mess of the basement and had clothes a'll over the place and the 12 year old just lays in bed fully dressed minus the shoes and just mindlessly watches tv all day. ive told my husband they need activities because they are at the age where they just need to be around other kids. And the 9 year old hates to wash her hands and flush the toilet so I walked in the bathroom to a fresh poop she claimed she didn't do but even get dad says she does that. We are having our first baby together soon and its my first child but considering these kids rarely want to practice proper hand washing and bathroom etiquette, I really am leary about them touching/wanting to hold the baby. I feel bad for feeling this way but I don't want my baby getting sick from their gross habits either.
I really love my husband but I just have a hard time tolerating his kids. They have terrible habits that I just don't believe they will get rid of.
How do you feel about having
How do you feel about having a child with a man who actively does not parent the kids he already has?
2nd this^^. It does not get
2nd this^^. It does not get better. Been living with my GF for over 2 years and her messy, lazy kids, boy 15 and girl 12. Have tried and tried until I was blue in the face since day one to establish some house rules and manners. I'd come home from work and trip over shoes and backpacks left thrown by the front door. Then walk into the kitchen with open containers and dishes all over the counter. The cabinet would have empty boxes in it because they would be too lazy to throw them in the garbage 10ft away. I'd walk to the bedroom and trip over jackets that were thrown on the floor. At dinner time they would leave their dishes on the table. I've actually watched them unwrap snacks in the living room and then just throw the wrapper on the floor. When i would ask them if they were going to throw that away, response was, "oh...yeah..I accidently dropped that." There was no accountability. Where was the GF when all this was happening? Typical response "they are just kids". Biggest line of BS I have ever heard.
I agree with Tog. It's going
I agree with Tog. It's going to be a challenge, and I understand because I go through this with our 9 year old SS. He claims at our house he doesn't have to lift a finger because he doesn't live there, he's just visiting (sounds like something his mother taught him). He leaves wrappers laying around, wants waited on (which I refuse to do), won't do any chores (i.e. I tell him to set the table and feed his own dog so they aren't major things). All he wants to do is play video games and watch TV and eat non stop. Yes, some of that is being a kid, other is he feels like he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do. The problem isn't the kids even though they know better. They do know the rules, but at the same time if their mother allows them to get away with it, there won't be any changes in your house. Our SS used to follow our rules, but now he won't and when in trouble or grounded, he says oh well I go home tomorrow so no big deal. I used to stress about it, now I just tell DH and he scolds SS but it still doesn't phase him. I've just finally learned to let it go and DH now picks up after the child. BS is 2 and he helps with chores, he will help with setting the table and feeding the dogs, he thinks it's fun. Of course, I look for that to change soon. Hang in there, until their mom makes them grow up they won't. All you can do is protect your baby. If they want to hold baby, make them wash their hands first. Set the rules when it comes your your baby and make sure DH is on board and will help. I will say since they will be in your home when baby is around get used to baby getting sick from them. Yes, it happens. Step son has brought strep throat over several times to our house. I've gotten it and so has my 2 year old. Step son has also been exposed to lice and scabies and we haven't been told until after the fact. It sucks, but what can we do?
I disagree with furkids - just because he is not the main parent of the children does not mean he isn't a good parent. My husband is a good parent; however, because we only have SS every other weekend, he can't control the actions of SS since we don't have him full time to teach him right from wrong. Teaching a kid is a daily challenge, if you aren't the full time parent, it is difficult and doesn't mean their child will act this way.
BeAccountable, DH has
BeAccountable, DH has attempted to work with SS; however, knowing BM like we do and the verbage out of stepson's mouth is mostly hers. When asked about school or his life, he informs us that "it is none of your business." BM has taught him that and admitted that it's not our business. BM has told him he doesn't have to do what he doesn't want to do at our house. When confronted she thinks it's funny he does that. He listens to his mother now because she tells him if he does as she tells him he gets rewarded. BM had admitted to my inlaws before that she has told him he can do what he wants at our house. Like I said, part of the rebellion in being a kid - kids don't always listen or mind which is why I'm not surprised his room isn't clean. But when you have him 4 days a month during the school year and his mother has him the rest of the time he will do what she says and allows to be done because he "forgets" is the excuse. His BM doesn't have rules, we do. It doesn't matter what we do to enforce the rules - punishments didn't work, reward systems don't work either (yes, we tried bribery). This is why I removed myself from making him do anything and leave the task to DH to deal with because it's too frustrating when you have someone who isn't coparenting teaching a child to work against you. SS's mom picks up after him and waits on him, we don't. He tries it, but at dinner he'll sit without food and get up and leave the table because we won't make his plate for him. He eventually comes and eats after everyone's done but then leaves a mess, of course because he's used to his mom picking up after him. When reminded he says he "forgets." DH makes him take out the trash and clean his room up (still waiting on that one after two months), but when the child has two parents not on the same page it makes it difficult. When the Courts have removed the child from BM on different occasions and he's lived with us full time, after about a month and some counseling he would get into the routine and was following through with instructions. Then he goes back to living with her and rules fly out the window because it's not in his daily routine to listen and mind at her house. Part of it is not to "parent" the child, it's called "visitation" but if he's a member of the family full time or part time, it's not a visit, but his mother teaches him it is. There's only so much right you can teach when a mother is teaching their child a lot of wrongs.
I hate to say it, but try as
I hate to say it, but try as you may it will never get better! These kids are already taught how they think they should behave. I have 3 skids at home and NONE of them do anything around the house and it is one mess after another. I used to try and happily engage them in ways to clean, but I have given up as it only hurt me in the long run.
My boyfriends girls are the
My boyfriends girls are the same way. They are good and very sweet, just asking them to pick up after them self is a huge task. First it's tears, then a all out tantrum at times, the whole time crying! I constantly am running after them cleaning. I like the house to look good, so I don't want it to get to bad. We work 3 hours away so we come back Friday night and it leaves me little time to do our weeks laundry and have some time to do what I want. Like I said they are good kids but their mother never makes them do anything and lives like a hoarder. When I come into this house after her it was a nightmare I couldn't even imagine kids living in it. Over time it's back to the way it should be. But sadly the girls are picking up this bad habits and only having them every other weekend it's like fighting a loosing battle! What do you do?
Thats tough. Especially if
Thats tough. Especially if you are "just a gf" to the kids and the BM. How old are they? It may be good to have another adult on their ass about it. They need it. Its structure, but then it leaves you to deal with the worse before it gets better. Would they lash out at him? Would the BM lash out on him? Being the gf is tough.
You put your foot down in your own house is necessary. They will fight it, but if it takes having your home messy for the time it takes to make them do it (make them finish it), then maybe the next time they will see you wont get off their ass till its done right.
If not, they will walk all over you....more
They are 4 and 6. And yes
They are 4 and 6. And yes just being the girlfriend hassle my position a little less. Even tho I bath them, cook dinner, breakfast, dress them and find activities for them thru out the day. My bf will leave early and go hunting so it's just me for most of the day. They are good kids very sweet and I adore them. But I can't do all this crying and tantrums because they don't get their own way. They still sleep with their mother every night and when here they sleep with their dad. I can't stay the night with the girls due to the child custody order. Not until we area tried. If we ever do. She has made it clear that she does not want me to disapline them, and I would never whoop them, buy if their father leaves them in my care I feel like I should be able to set some rules for their safety if nothing else. He does nothing to strengthen my position in his ex's eyes. I feel like it's a big waste of my time.
Wow your bf has it MADE in
Wow your bf has it MADE in the shade! All the benefits of a nanny, maid, cook, driver, mentor AND lover??? Oh, but get out before nightfall - thanks, same time same place tomorrow?
We don't give these guys enough credit. Probably because they designed it that way.
Not to be a contrarian ...
:? Not to be a contrarian ... but why on Earth would you choose to spawn with a man who has three perfect examples of his complete failure as a parent, man, and father?
What makes you think that he will partner effectively with you to raise your child any better than he has demonstrated with his prior relationship spawn?
There are examples of STalkers who have had successful marriages and families with their SO while being haunted by toxic SKids but generally they are the exception rather than the rule.
Gird your loins FrustratedLady314 because not only are you going to have to raise your child and counter the toxic bullshit and presence of your skids and crap from their BM, but you are also very likely going to have to teach your DH how to be a man, father, and parent.
Now for the smile part.
Congrats on your baby.
Good luck.
You may as well leave.
You may as well leave. Typical H.