To marry or not to marry??
FH and I have been together for five years, we have weathered many BM storms in the past three years since we bought a home together (thats when her nasty, greedy, jealous side came out). We had decided to wait till the court case was over before we marry because all money was being kept for that. Now that its over (for now!) and she didnt gain anything but an extra 50 bucks a month, we want to plan our wedding. I am getting cold feet but only in relation to greedy BM. The state of Florida does not count the spouse's income for CS but I have read here that Judge's can make their own minds up on the law. BM plays the victim role so well she should have been nominated for an oscar and golden globe combined. She comes across as being so sweet, so nice and so believable. I don't trust her taking us back to court and going for more money based on my income. But I do want to marry FH for all the right reasons. Oprah Winfrey said once "when in doubt, dont!" and my inner voice is telling me to wait till the youngest skid is 18, but thats six years away. FH insists that as she recently remarried, then his income would also have to be taken into account if she tried to have mine in the mix. But this woman is the poster child for double standards! BM refers to me as his "live in girlfriend" which I am in a way except we both earn good money and we share all expenses equally. I need my income for my own two children. Any advice would be welcome and I wish you all a very Happy and drama free Christmas, if thats possible with step parenting LOL
I should add that I have no
I should add that I have no problem living with FH for the next six years, I am confident enough to not need a piece of paper to validate our relationship. But we would like to formalize our committment to each other with family and friends present. I also do worry about my financial security and FH's if anything were to happen to either of us. We have each other on our survivor benefits, including our home.
Take it from an experienced
Take it from an experienced and seasoned person in this matter. If you have an inkling of doubt in your gut, listen to it. If you get married, no matter what, you are marrying his past and yours. Don't fall into the trap of marrying into the drama. It is what you do with the drama that matters. I would also look into your State's particular legal estate planning issues and don't put that off, even if you aren't married. A blended family doesn't have to be so difficult as long as their is good communication, boundaries set and followed through with. Keep life simple and be prepared to share it
NJ is messed up, but a new
NJ is messed up, but a new spouse's income is NOT taken into account when it comes to CS. I live in NJ, and about a year after DH and I married, BM took DH to court. I blacked out all of my information on tax returns. Only DH's numbers were taken into account. She tried to say DH was hiding money, and tried to claim DH cried broke because he "needed to buy his new wife a new car." None of that mattered.
Would you consider some sort
Would you consider some sort of commitment ceremony or unofficial marriage? So you can have a "wedding" with friends and family but no legal documents are signed.
Personally I got married, and we have joint finances, everything that everyone will tell you not to do. But BM is unlikely to take us to court so I am not worried about it really and if she does I know that we will be better represented than her so should do well. BM did up the crazy for a while after we married (6 months ish) but I have disengaged as much as I can from her and she seems to have settled down now as far as attack me is concerned.
You could talk to a local lawyer who specializes in family court and see how often they see step parent's incomes included in calculations and what formula is usually used for that. I know Rags often said that his income was included in CS calculations but it meant that the bio-dad had a $50 reduction in his CS obligations so wasn't too hefty. You might find that it is similarly insignificant and your partner can cover it out of his pay.
If you do decide to delay on the marriage estate planning with a lawyer is probably a great idea for the two of you to know that you are both protected.
Oh god, I am so sorry that
Oh god, I am so sorry that you have ended up debating this. What a sorry situation things become if you are having to weigh things up like that.
As an outsider with little knowledge on american law/custody etc I would say if you are both happy to then just get engaged and have an extended engagement, marry once the youngest ages out. The last thing you want is to be planning your wedding with such worries hanging over you. (Again I dont know alot about american court but you guys do seem to do weird things sometimes)
It is perfectly understandable that you want to keep your financial security for your own sake and your childrens.
I married my DH. Best
I married my DH. Best Decision Ever.
10 days after BM moved 5 states away and took skids.
Otherwise, I would not have done it.
BM tried hard to PAS the
BM tried hard to PAS the skids but their relationship was always good with their Dad. They still show signs of PAS but its not as bad as it was waiting for the court hearing. Instead she switched her venom onto me. I completely disengaged from the skids, I had to for my sanity. I am friendly and polite to them but I don't participate in any parenting or advice when it comes to them. We have them 35% of the time and I stay busy with my own social life and family. FH doesn't like it but he also takes no steps to change anything (like their bad behavior). I detached completely and FH and I are much happier because I did.
My SD is only 8 and I'm
My SD is only 8 and I'm waiting til she ages out for the same reasons. A very long engagement, if you will. We've already been engaged more than a year. BM is crazy and I believe she will get crazier. Maybe if PAS takes off and the kid isn't here 50/50 I'd consider it.
Definitely see a lawyer
Definitely see a lawyer before you do anything. In fact, see a lawyer anyway, because in some states cohabiting allows a judge to decide you're so close to being married that he's going to combine your assets whether you want that or not. Also, combined incomes will reduce the amount of financial aid skids receive when they go to college, if that's a concern.
That's great advice! Many
That's great advice! Many things can happen throughout a blended marriage; to you, to you and your husband, to the skids, and the their family. It's impossible to plan for it all but an experienced attorney could make some great suggestions!
Well I've been anti-legal
Well I've been anti-legal marriage for myself since the demise of my first marriage. SO already knows that I will only accept a commitment ceremony at this point in my life, though I'll legally change my last name to his...it's like $500 in my county. A wedding or party would be cool, but costly, and I realize through experience that the best weddings can still end in divorce.
I'm with Oprah... I have doubts and I don't think that marriage is the right move. A committed partner, living together, sharing time and expenses, growing from the experience...that's all I really need. I don't need SD's and I definitely don't need a crazy ass BM. Since SO keeps pressing for marriage (probably because he's never been married), he keeps trying to show me that he'll be a good husband. He's agreed to counseling, all of my suggestions re: his baggage, and shows me each day that he's trying.
But NOPE. I won't do it. Not legally. I cannot live up to the expectations in this situation. Not only HIS expectations...mine, too. I know what kind of wife (and stepmother) I'm capable of being and as long as he brings me roses tinged with the shit of BM and the skids, he's not getting all that I have to offer. THEY don't deserve it. He should have had that crap packaged properly from the very beginning. Now, he can wait until they age out. And then I still might not be interested in legal marriage because I plan to be earning a lot more money... He's got a lot of convincing to do. Nevertheless, he proves his commitment even though we're not married -- what's another decade?
Thanks to everyone for your
Thanks to everyone for your advice and comments. The idea of a commitment ceremony is great, I might mention that to FH. BM has stated many times that she hopes FH dies a lonely old man and it drives her crazy to see us happy and getting on with our lives. But after five years of this crazy woman, I feel that us getting married will push her to seek more money aka my money. I don't have millions ha ha but I have worked hard, went back to college and earn a great salary. From the day we bought our home together, BM is continually bitter over our standard of living. When she divorced FH, she made sure she got the house, the best car, everything really and FH had to start all over. I know its terrible that I have to weigh up this type of thing when considering our wedding but my head tells me to wait the six years and then have a fabulous wedding LOL
Listen to your head, the
Listen to your head, the heart friggin lies all the time!
Waiting six years could be a
Waiting six years could be a huge benefit. Yall could starta savings account designated just for the wedding and possibly have a destination wedding.
i wont marry my fiance until
i wont marry my fiance until his CS obligations end. just not worth the potential stress!
You're a smart woman! I
You're a smart woman! I almost wish I had waited to marry DH until his alimony obligation ended. DH the doormat didn't get a lawyer when going through his divorce and got taken for almost everything PLUS 15 years of alimony! This all when the youngest son was 17 years old and the other was in the military, she was working and had moved out 2 years prior.
He has 5 more years unless BM gets married or cohabits. The reality is how is DH supposed to know what she's up to unless he's stalking her or spends thousands of dollars and has her investigated. Family court in our country is WAY behind the times.
Mind you DH is not Mr.
Mind you DH is not Mr. Moneybags, he has to work overtime every week to make this obligation.
Since you are cohabitating
Since you are cohabitating your income is no safer than if you were married. IMHO. If Fla has the rule that Sparent income is not applicable for calculation of CS then go with that. But ... be perpetually diligent in documenting BM's every transgression and always ready to shred her ass in court if she so much as twitches out of alignment with the CO.
In our case Oregon has the same rule. Sparent income is not applicable for calculation of CS and in fact it is not used in calculation of CS. However, there is a clause in the CS regulations that allows a judge to at their own discretion factor an income credit in the calculation of CS when a Sparent earns "a significant income that artificially inflates the child's standard of living." Because of my "significant income" the Judge ruled that the Sperm Idiot should not be held responsible for contributing to an "artificual standard of living for the child" and awarded the DipShitiot with a $1000/mo income credit lowering his income for the purposes of CS calculation. His CS still went up by $30/mo at that juncture. On the surface this seems like a big deal but $1000/mo is the max income credit a judge in the peoples republic of Sperm Land can apply and it only lowered DickHead's possible CS obligation by $50/mo. Each time the Sperm Clan stepped out of line we took them back to court, they motioned for my income to be considered, the motion was denied, and the Judge invoked the max income credit but CS went up any way. It just went up $50/mo less than it otherwise could have gone up.
After that initial court hearing the Sperm Idiot shortly thereafter divorced his 16yo child bride that he married to avoid us notifying the court of his status as a statutory rapist. He never married so a Sparent income on his side of the equation was never an issue but on the final court hearing 9 years into our blended family adventure we did counter motion for the Sperm Grandparent's income to be considered when calculating his CS obligation to my SS since they paid his CS obligation to my son anyway, they paid the Sperm Idiot's share of visitation travel expenses, he lived in their investment property rent free, he drove their hand me down vehicles at no cost, and they were raising the three younger also out of wedlock Sperm Idiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas in their home with no help from the Sperm Idiot.
You should have seen the gagging, spluttering, slobbering, toothless protests when we made that motion before the judge. }:) Sperm Grandpa and Sperm Grandhag just about stroked out. It was even better when her Honor replied that she would take our motion under advisement since they had motioned for my income to be considered. She did go on to clarify that Sparent income was excluded from the CS calculation by Oregon law but significant support from other income sources including GrandParents was not excluded and could be used in the calculation of CS if it was proven to be a regular source of income. We had them shitting bricks for the rest of that day in court. It was awesome. }:)
Ultimately the judge did not include Sperm Grandhag and Sperm Grandpa's income in the calculation of their useless son's CS obligation and the income credit due to my income was kept in place but even with that their CS went up by nearly 600% on that occassion.
I would tell you to go ahead and get married and enjoy your lives to the fullest rather than allowing BM to interfere in your lives to the point that you would allow her to prevent you from marrying. Just be on the same page and ready to own her ass immediately should she step out of line.
Have fun and enjoy your wedding.
Marriage is not just a simple
Marriage is not just a simple stuff, it goes through different struggles. Let me share a thing. Newlyweds and already-weds should be familiar with the marriage penalty, where the tax implications of legal marriage mean paying more. Who will pay it changes year-to-year, because of changing tax codes, but there are ways to figure out if that's coming down the pike. Source for this article: https://personalmoneynetwork.com/payday-loans/.