BM turning up to partners brothers wedding?!?!
Hi all,
Just would like to know everyone's views on this because I think i may be feeling a little on edge and taking this out of proportion....
Saturday just gone was my partners brothers wedding. The skids were flower girls and it was a lovely day. In the evening the BM was meant to be picking them up, which she did, but rather than wait outside she came in and stayed for approx. 1/2 hour chatting away to everyone.
My partners family loathe her apart from his grandparents who then decided to invite her down to their summer home bla bla. The whole time my partner stayed by his ex side with the kids and chatted away.
My issue is/was that A. I was pretty much alone because these are his old school friends whom I had never met, though I did obviously make the effort to mingle as I had no choice. B. He should have come and stood with me as a statement or asked me to come over rather than ignore me and stand with her (people were actually wondering who I was because they thought my partner was with his ex and not me!!). C. He should have coaxed her, politely, to leave as she wasn't actually welcome. His brother and bride detest her and were not happy about her being there.
And to top it off, once she did leave, my other half then decided to leave to go and pick his friend up so I spent a total of 2 hours without him there and trying to mingle with people who had no idea who I was.
By the end of the night I was feeling a little touchy about everything and when people were coming up to my other half complimenting him on how well behaved his children were and what a good job he and his ex have done I wanted to scream because she is not the reason the kids are well behaved. Me and my other half are the ones who have taught them manners. BM wouldn't know how to be polite if it slapped her in the face!
So really I would love to know other peoples points of view because I am sure I am just taking this to heart and should get over it. I know it is always going to be a delicate balance between Mum and step mum but I do feel that my other half should put my feelings before his ex (not his kids) and I do feel like he should at least mention that I have had a lot to do with the skids being the way they are. I know we don't do the step mum thing for the credit but once in a while it would be nice to be acknowledged rather than feeling like a spare part.
My partner knows it and his whole family know it but I just don't know how to control the emotions that come with the BM sometimes, does anyone have any tips other than drinking the night away 
xx
I am glad you said that
I am glad you said that because when I got upset about it my partners Mum said that he will always have a bond with his ex because she is the Mother of his kids. Which yes he will and I understand that but I don't ever expect him to put her first. She is second to me, that was her choice she made when she left him.
Unfortunately my partner is one of those dads who doesnt have a backbone because he is scared she will take the kids away....which is a regular threat!! Such a shame when kids are used as weapons.
I have to agree with HRNYC? I
I have to agree with HRNYC? I understand issues with BM. I would not expect her to sit in the car until the kids came out. Your partner was disrepectful. I would want to tell his mother to go fly a kite. Then, your partner leaving you to pick up a friend. WTF! I would have left and blocked his number.
I am sorry...it is what it is.
Your DH was definitely wrong
Your DH was definitely wrong to go stand by his ex and leave you to mingle, but you were also wrong to just sit there and let it happen.
Take account for your own responsibility here. You kind of set him up to fail. You didn't like that he went off and ignored you, yet you sat and felt sorry for yourself and did nothing about it. You could have chosen to stride up to him and BM, take his arm, and say "Oh, there you ARE!!! I lost you after dancing with Mr. XYZ. What have I missed???(as you smile pretty at BM)" And when he went to pick up friends, simply say NO. No, you are not leaving me at your brothers wedding while you go pick up friends. (who leaves their brothers wedding to go pick up friends anyhow? That is bizarre.)
So, while he was wrong... you simply sitting and pouting didn't do anything to help him see what you needed. He's a man. They are idiots. If you think he will catch on because you are sulking in a corner you are wrong.
As far as the wanting public credit for helping with the SKids..... that is touchy. I think anything past your DH saying "Well, things have gotten a lot easier since I met Wishful, she's simply wonderful with the kids, and keeps me AND the house in order!" would be asking for a blow up from somewhere. Either the SKids might hear and pass it on to BM, or a GP could take it the wrong way.
It really isn't about him not giving you verbal credit for raising HIS kids. You just aren't feeling valued and respected.
I disagree. I don't think
I disagree. I don't think its her job to make her mark. It is his job to protect her from situations like that. If she would have done as you say, she would have looked like a jealous girlfriend. Instead she took the classy way and discussed it with him in private. He should never treat her less than his lady while they are in public especially around an ex.
Sometimes a good does of the gander is good for the goose. Give him a taste of his own medicine and see if he likes it.
Were I you I would nail your
Were I you I would nail your partners nuts to the wall over this rude and disrespectful crap. As for your MIL's comment ..... "Bullshit. They have no connection. She cheated and left the marriage and other than being the womb donor for his children she means shit for nothing."
That should give MIL clarity on your opinion.
I am not sure I would tolerate this crap in a relationship even once much less again.
I completely agree with furkidsforme in the above comment. You abdicated your place in the family and at your SO's side because you were pouting. Next time do exactly what furkids recommended. Beam your happiness and BM will run for the dark corner like the cockroach she is. Idiots like this wilt in the light of confident and happy people. Be the light that is thrown on in a roach filled room. The roaches run for the shadows and are the ones pouting at best or wiggling on their backs with their legs twitching in the air at worst. Your confidence, light, and happiness will send a major message to SO, the ILs, his friends and for damned sure to BM.
All IMHO of course.
Yep, let the nut nailing
Yep, let the nut nailing begin. What a total load of hooey!! Had I been in that situation, I would have called a taxi and left. Your partner was rude and insensitive. If he wants to chitchat with BM and friends and family, why did they split up?? Sounds like he'e content to hang out with her in a very social setting while ignoring his "significant other". IMO, the only thing significant about it is how ALONE he made you feel. If he can't see that or refuses to acknowledge that his actions were wrong, RUN.
You are all so right!! I
You are all so right!! I should have just gone over there and made the point of standing my ground, I am not really a confrontational kind of person and, as a result, people tend to walk all over me because I would rather just let it go than deal with it. If there is a next time, which there better not be but I am sure there will, I will definitely do that!
HRNYC - I don't think I did say it but ironically enough she did cheat, she is now living with her OH who was one of the several men she had relations with while my OH was with her.
Following your comments I spoke with him about it and he immediately rang his ex and said in future please do not come in and mingle, call me and I will bring the children out. And he called his darling mother and told her to keep her nose out, that her comments are untrue and hurtful. He has now apologized to me a hundred times....and some lovely flowers have just turned up at my work!
GREAT advice ladies!
Thank you all so much for giving me the strength to stand my ground!!! xx
It was your partner's
It was your partner's brother's wedding. If they hated BM, they should have passed on having her children in the wedding? If I was BM and my ex told me to NOT mingle and stay in the car, I would tell him to FUCK OFF!
Your partner talked to BM and his mother like he is the parent. How about being a mature parent? Daddy could have took the children home to BM.
Wedding are touchy events. There are ways to set healthy boundaries. Talking to BM like she is a child just open a can of worms. Do you really think she will want to be supportive in the future with events like this.
Maybe, BM should have made the mingleing shorter.
BM did support the children being in the wedding.
If it was me, I be more upset about him leaving me to pick up a friend. What is up with that? If BM is such an issue, daddy should have took the children home.
Family can despise BM but
Family can despise BM but still love Skids. I wouldn't exclude children from a family event just because of BM. But my DH ex wouldn't ever stand and talk all nice with DH. They don't have anything to do with each other. But in this case, OP just let BM know that she's insecure. At least that will be the way the BM sees this and most likely will exploit it to the max.
It seems that often a DH will make some boo boo trying to play nice with the BM. Corrections to past mistakes should be calculated and slow but always moving towards the goal that your marriage partner is #1 in regards to the Ex
This is an interesting
This is an interesting dilemma....after you talked later, did your partner explain why he "ignored" you to talk to BM? Like if that was me and I was talking to exH...I would automatically be conscious of where my DH would be in relation to us talking as I would want to grab him to assure him Im not ignoring him and include him (I have a cordial relationship with my exH).
And then him leaving you to pick up friends? I don't see the issue here as Im an independent woman who dosent NEED her partner baby sitting me. Im gathering he spent the majority of the night with his partner and was only going to duck out for a little bit...if theres issues leaving a OH on their own for a short time, that's just weird to me. I would be able to cope and would instantly look for someone to talk to. But that's me and I don't "need" my partner to be with me at an event 110%.
I can so relate, and feel so
I can so relate, and feel so bad for you, have been through this same situation
At my FIL's surprise 80th birthday party a few months ago, my husband's sister invited BM (without telling DH or myself either) and also to the private family dinner afterwards AND had all of us BM included pose for a "family portrait" together but anyway, while I get along fine with BM the entire night was uncomfortable - especially when my DH pulled the same thing yours did - by standing there chatting away with BM and SD's and leaving me to do my own thing
I considered walking up to 'their little family group' and inserting myself but I literally felt that I was intruding on 'their family'. I also did not want to appear like the jealous second wife.
So I understand totally how you feel. I did the same thing you did, and socialized on my own. Fortunately I knew many people there and some of my own family were there too but I still felt somewhat humiliated by this situation, and was not happy with my DH
I did talk with DH about it at the end of a long, long night and while he felt it was unacceptable of his sister to do that I pointed out it didn't stop him from having a nice little 'family hang-out' with his ex-wife and daughters, and how that made me feel.
And like you I struggled with whether it was such a bad thing afterall and if I was just overreacting. I thought it would be good for DH's daughters and grandson to see everyone getting along, but it somewhat undermines us I think when our DH's did not make the effort to insure we were included in that.
Regardless, I doubt my DH will do that again....I don't think he even thought about it. Probably like your DH. Sometimes in all the excitement about having everyone there and getting along, especially his kids who he lives in fear will walk out of his life and his ex who he also is afraid to tick off, he just doesn't stop and think about the one person that he doesn't worry will walk out on him, so we end up getting taken for granted....
Just another benefit of step-family life!
Honey, why on earth would you
Honey, why on earth would you stay somewhere where you were so uncomfortable and treated so rudely? I am with aniki. I would have called a cab and left. Glad to hear your SO pulled his head out of his ass but do not let him treat you so disrespectfully again.