Appropriate discipline: spanking??
This is a very controversial topic and I imagine I will get very strong opinions from both sides, but I need some opinions.
DH just found out that BM's new hubby has been spanking SS6. Now DH has very strong opinions against spanking. He was the youngest of 9 children and spanking was a constant thing in his household growing up. I was spanked as a child, but not very frequently, and the ones I remember I damn well deserved it. However, I have never spanked SS6. I am not his mom and DH is against it, so I respect his wishes. Also, SS6 is a pretty good kid for us, he's really never done anything that I felt deserved one.
BM on the other hand has always spanked. In my opinion she gets a little too rough and aggressive with it, but she rarely leaves marks, so there's not a whole lot DH can do about it. SS6 is apparently very naughty for her all the time and she says it's the only way she can discipline him. We are not 100% sure what all goes on in her house that he is so horribly naughty, but we know she cannot control him at all.
Today when DH and SS6 were talking he mentioned that BM's hubby is mean to "them" (he and his other brother, from another man). When DH asked for examples, SS6 told him that he has pushed him by the head into a chair before and pushes them around, and spanks really hard. Now like I said he doesn't come home with marks on him, so SS6's use of the word "hard" could be interpreted very differently. BM's hubby seems like a decent enough guy, most def. her best choice in men over the years, and I don't think he's abusing SS6 (at least there have never been any signs of that) and this is the first time we have been told about any physical contact made by BM's hubby (they have been together for 2 years now).
Obviously DH was very angered by this, as I'm sure a lot of parents would be, even if they believed in spanking. The idea of another person hurting your child is never acceptable to any parent. Now DH is on a rampage and wants to confront BM and her hubby about it, he also mentioned putting him in therapy to get it all out in the open, etc. and I do not know how to calm him down.
Has anyone ever dealt with a stepparent using physical force? I don't know what to tell DH, this is very uncharted territory for me. Before when it was just BM, he felt as if there was nothing he could do because parents have a right to discipline their children in different ways. But now that its the Step dad, he's really fired up. Any suggestions? Should this be something we should be concerned about, or is it acceptable for a stepparent to spank?
I agree with annith and sue.
I agree with annith and sue. Parents or legal guardians spanking is one thing but not a stepparent. If a stepparent laid a hand on my kid cps would be paying him or her a visit. I'd never spank my sds. Never have. Never will. Not my job.
" SS6 told him that he has
" SS6 told him that he has pushed him by the head into a chair before and pushes them around, and spanks really hard. "
The spanking is only one part of what this stepfather is doing. What about pushing kids around and their heads into chairs? This man, whether 'too rough' in action or not, is abusing these children. Pushing heads into chairs, pushing them around aka shoving a child. These are not disciplinary actions. Nope. It's physically abusing a child. While some parents do give their children a swat on the buns, only child abusers physically man-handle a child and call it discipline.
Dad has every right to be upset and you're wrong to be 'calming him down'. His kid is being roughly man-handled in an inappropriate manner by a full grown man. That is NOT acceptable. If Dad went over there and shoved stepdad around and pushed his head into a chair, would we call it 'discipline'? Hell no, it's called assault and battery, charges would be filed.
Do not take this lightly and do not assume there's nothing Dad can do to out a stop to it. Do not assume the child is automatically lying or over exaggerating. Dad can not see what is going inside BM's home, but a legal authority can. CPS can investigate also. You've stated BM herself gets too aggressive and rough when she spanks her kids, do not trust that this woman will protect her child if stepdad gets even more aggressive and rougher. Unfortunately it happens to children all over this country. You don't want to file false accusations or to unjustly report to police, but asking for a home inspection and wealth fare checks will definitely let you know if there is something really wrong and inappropriate taking place.
I think spanking is an
I think spanking is an appropriate punishment when done in the right manner. However, I do not spank my SD. The BM is just looking for ways to stack her case against us and the SD7 is a lying, manipulative brat who would turn everything around to make it look like child abuse.
Corporal punishment at the
Corporal punishment at the hands of someone who is not a parent or a legal guardian is usually just called physical abuse.
Pro or Con Spanking, it doesn't really matter. Non-guardians should not be punishing a child in that manner, ever. If a teacher can't do it, SD can't do it. That is a good "sniff test" of it is OK or not. Time out? Appropriate. Stand in the corner? Appropriate. Letter of apology? Appropriate. Spanking? NOPE.
Step parents do not touch
Step parents do not touch step kids. Ever.
I would never touch my
I would never touch my stepkids. I don't think it's appropriate for step parents to spank skids. I would talk to bm first and if you get nowhere, maybe see about getting something added to the court order about only bio parents being allowed to use corporal punishment. I would be concerned about the pushing his head into a chair and such and want an explanation from bm about that.