When I first started dating DH, I was very up front about not being a parent and just being a friend to the kids. I knew that the kids came first and because I loved him, I would make a huge effort to build a relationship with all the kids. When we got our own place together, I had an open conversation with the kids an DH about my role in their family. I was clear in that they were now living in my home so I would ask things of them I might not have before, such as keeping their rooms clean or helping with chores. They all agreed with this. Over time, I pretty much morphed into "mom." Sometimes they have made me take on the mom role more than I like and sometimes I have taken it on more than they like, especially now that I am their stepmom and not just "dad's girlfriend."

Their dad was open to me having a large role in their lives and because their BM isn't around, I became much more of a mom to them than I imagined. I don't think DH ever expected anything of me, but I think he hoped I would provide the maternal piece that was missing in their lives. Of course he also hoped I would get along with them and I am extremely lucky in that they really bonded with me from day 1.

I think it's important to set expectations from the beginning or at least once you move in with someone. It also takes time to build a relationship and when you only see her a couple times a month and it's only been 5 months, that isn't very long. Plus you are right about not being a parent. I had no idea what I was doing when I met DH's kids. I just learned along the way and prayed I got it somewhat right.

Most importantly, if he has certain expectations that he hasn't shared with you, now is the time to do so and vice versa.

I told SO before moving in with him that I could not live with then SS15 after he graduated high school. SO agreed, and he told me his family's motto was kids hit 1-8 and they are out the gate.

That was before SO bought is $40K jeep and after SS turned 17 and SO realized his unmotivated below average son showed zero interest in leaving home, getting his driver license, getting a part time job, etc. would probably be going to the local college where he wouldn't have to drive, or take the SATs or whatever.

And that's when SO realized, gee, college is expensive.... so he told me SO would live at home for the next four years of college. Knowing SS17 would most likely be on the 5-7 year college plan, I decided I wouldn't wait for ex-SO to change his mind and I am now on my own in my own apartment. And by the way former SS17 lived with us full time except summer, and once he graduated, I knew that I would never even get a summer break from him, because he hated his mom.

Yes I was naïve. But I also didn't realize how messed up SS17 was.

And I also experienced the ex wanting me to fawn over his gross disgusting teenage son who had no friends and no social skills and poor hygiene, and absolutely no personality.

I really didn't know why he expected me to be a replacement mommy to that older kid. How creepy.

Anyway, it turned out the SO was worse than his son. His son wasn't all that bad, just gross and was like a black hole of social interaction. SS didn't give me a whole lot to work with.

Essentially SO never forgave me for not kissing his son's ass. And he never forgave me for not wanting to live with his future adult son. SO was a cheap bastard. For him, it was all about the bottom line, he hated spending money on other people, including his own son.

We did discuss how we wanted our relationship to be both as partners and as parents to the Skid who was 15mos old when we started dating. By the time we married 8mos later we had things pretty much mapped out and agreed. Not that that plan like any other did not explode as soon as we started executing it. Shit happens, things change.

What stuck from our discussions and initial plan is that 1) We are equity life partners and our marriage is the priority for both of us. Priority over the kid, priority over friends and family, and priority over work. 2) We are equity parents to any children in our home regardless of kid biology. The kid was our top responsibility and we raised him as equity partners just as we are equity partners in life.

In our case SS-22 is our only child.

One notable issue that we did have to deal with periodically during our kid raising years was disagreements in parenting and disciplin styles. The watershed moment for that topic occurred when he was ~14. She did not agree with how I was parenting and disciplining him during his snarky teen boy brain fart years. The resolution was "If you do not like how I am parenting and disciplining then you can step up and get it done before I have to. If you don't and I have to deal with it then you can bite your lip and have my back until we can discuss it off line."

Much to the Skids chagrin my bride agreed and did take a much more front and center leadership role in discipline and parenting. A few months after the discussion between his mom and I on her taking on a more front and center parenting role the Skid came to me to ask “Dad, can you please start dealing with me again. You confront me when I am doing something wrong and if you punish me it is one and done until I screw up the next time. Mom drags it out for weeks and months.”

I love it when a plan comes together. }:)

Don't feel guilty for not bonding with his child. My DH have been together 4 years and we have SD6 full time and I still don't really feel a connection with her. I don't love her. I don't really even like her (I know, I know). I do tolerate her and I am nice to her because I love my DH. But do I want to spend my free time and my only days off with her? Absolutely not. I totally understand you on that. She is there to see her dad, not you.