Hello to all
SO i am new to the group and do not even know where to begin.... An about me.. I am the mother of a 17 month old(little girl) from previous relationship. Current relationship has been in the making for a little over a year. We recently moved in together. He has S11 a D9 and another D3.
In his previous relationship (10 yrs from highschool pregancy to 27) The children and parent had seperate lives basicall just co-existing under same roof. They have seperated on and off for last 4 years. She cheated he left, came back she cheated etc. (my screen name is to make light that i am accused of being the cause of marriage ending)
BF ex and i all worked together for 4 years. During this time current BF and i talked and were very platonic friends. BF got the rawist form of honesty in how i parent/step parent, how i am in relationship. WE were a shoulder for one another... Even so years later when he told me he had been inlove with me for years i explained that our household seemed very diffent. (first concern was stability for my baby) He said he understood and so on...
Current issue please advise:
His children all co sleep ith one another while mine is sleep training plus sleeps in own room own bed by herself. My child get bedtime passie and bottle with her new phase, diapers full time, and has calm time before bedtime. She is very smart( every parent says this i know 
) says please thank you picks up after herself.
S11 talks back and pretty much thinks he is second in command of house and has been tought in previous situation to think so. Talks back to father but mostly listens after a tad of back and forth. Does not display alot of manners... not even chewing with mouth closed( huge pet peeve) No bedtime, stays on video games ALOT
D8 shows respect through me having had praised her for sayin yes ma'am ( loves attention show try to use priase in right areas) She doesnt show alot of repect to dad
D3- Bottle passie all the time diaper at bed and will only poopie in diaper.
I dont expect a change over night and we had discussions before moving in together. I have taking the back seat to try and gain a better outlook on the situation. should i keep doing that? After i tried to discuss with him that i didnt know how to handle his oldest not listening he told me he would handle it. He got very defensive
Who has custody of your Step
Who has custody of your Step Spawn? Not that it matters.
Set rules for your home and enforce them.
1. No back talking or disrepsect of parents. (Infractions will result in a pop to the butt for the younger two and a bare ass spanking for the older two. Then do it.)
2. Kids will use the toilet clean themselves in an age appropriate manner. (The 3yo needs to be aggessively toilet trained at this poing. 3 is okay for a pull up and a night time diaper but no pasifiers, bottles, or diaper pooping during the day time.)
3. Kids will sleep in their own beds, will go to bed at their age appropriate bed time, and will stay in their own beds until morning.
4. Kids will use teble manners appropriate for their age. (Enforce, enforce, enforce.)
No rules, no consistency = animal children.
Daddy needs to step up and get discipline done before you have to or he can STFU while you do it.
Either way set and enforce the household rules. History is irrelevent and the unfortunate conditions of their prior situations and rules make no difference. The sooner you set and enforce the household rules the quicker the Step Spawn will improve.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
thank you so much for your
thank you so much for your reply. I totally agree... sometimes even in past relationships i was made to feel as tho i was asking for to much by wanting a parenting plan seperate for the new household. I just dont want it to be seperate rules for seperate children.
When i brought up the way i thought it should be BF commented that maybe we should get through holidays and then not live under same roof any more. :jawdrop: I was shocked. We have an amazing relationship and he is great with my LO. Even tho I was heartbroken i told him that i wasnt post dateing a break up. i told him that if he feels that way i was dumbfounded bc i wasnt changing anything that wasnt already established before moving in with one an other. I reminded him we had only been under the same roof for 3 months, i explained that the comment made me feel that our relationship was good enough to him to be together but not good enough to blend families.
When i stood my ground and told him it was all or nothing he compromised to the extent of "working on it"
Tuesday went smoother but baby steps may not cut it.... HE and soon to be ex-wife are doing the Judge Brown law i think its called??? So here in the next few weeks we will have kids 1 week then her the next...
So LISTEN TO THIS!! He aproaches me withthe info for the first time Tuesday. I said that great you have my full support. Then he says he talks to oldest S11 and son wants to "seperate from sisters" So after discussing with the "second of house S11" then BF brought info to me... (okay whatever i told myself dont get butt hurt) I told him however he wanted to do it but that i thought it would be nice for everyone to be together
If temp that may be okay but i see issue with D9 bc she is not good when someone else gets something and she doesnt so do we have one on one with her to? Should i just leave it alone try it for them and then re visit?
When he left BM he was on his
When he left BM he was on his own for a couple yrs.
HE is trying to find a happy medium on easing into new transistion. I have let go before. It did come back.
but your right i will talk with him
THIS The man is still
THIS
The man is still married. He and his wife have a history of breaking upnand getting back together. It's possible that this little break from his wife is over and he's ready to move back home.
You say mom cheated on him. Well, he cheated on her as well. Emotional infidelity is just as bad as sexual infidelity.
^^^^^^^^Yes It was awesome,
^^^^^^^^Yes
It was awesome, Rags.
I agree with you. I live by
I agree with you. I live by the rule that if I wouldn't want it done to me, I don't do it. I would never want my BF discussing our personal life with another woman at work. Complain to your male friends but I know how women can be.
Absolutley!!! When i spoke
Absolutley!!! When i spoke with him it was in friendship and i did mention my ex works with us. He to was present.
to clear all this up.... The
to clear all this up.... The homwrecker thing is a joke between Bf ex and i because to the outside world taht is how i am judged. Others have even called her things for cheating. Her and i are good on how everything happend. We joke about it because she is called names i am called names and yet my BF reamain nameless and un judged taht is it.
I used steptalk yrs back and found it helpful i didnt expect this
wow. Well I respect you
wow. Well I respect you opinion and both my ex and his knew of our friendship and the extent in which it was. His Wife and i also have talked many times on the phone and to a deep extent. Its a joke between her and i because of the great detail of the situation. I was not invested even in friendship with him until they had been sperated. I didnt even know him when they had been married and under same roof. There was no cheating. I dont feel that karma is headed my way and my situation does not compare to the Tori Dean show.
I dont want to defend myself on this site.
I also do not think the children are bad kids i think that they havent had structure and only know what is tought to them.
tommar is right. Leaning on
tommar is right. Leaning on you when he was married to another woman is emotional cheating and sometimes that leaves bigger scars on a person than the act of sex with someone else.
As for your good relationship, and I'm not trying to bash you but if it was really that good he wouldn't have suggested living seperately again. He's putting his kids wants and needs above yours, if yall were dating that would be normal, but living together...planning a life...saying I love you then he should not be putting anyones needs above yours. I would also like to point out that you moving in with him before he was divorced wasn't a great move on your part. Right now...like it or not...you are the other woman. His wife is at her house while you're sleeping in her husbands bed. I would bet SS11 has some thoughts on that too.
I apologize. I have become
I apologize. I have become nervous in my typing and even my grammer is off lol
Yes my LO is a girl. I am 100% there for my child and my new relationship does not take from that.
I believe even tho she is young that i didnt jump in fast BF has been around for a while
OKAY. To all i get it you
OKAY. To all i get it you think i am a bad person who did a bad thing. MY GOODNESS. Forget it.
Cant handle the heat get out of the kitchen. Thank you all for your coments I am now removing myself from situation. On the note of....
BM and BF WERE NOT together... yes ligally married but not together. She had new relationship way before I even met the BF. BM is great with situation, so are my ex myself and I...
I was looking to not be judge. my bad for the screen name. my ex and i split up while i was still pregant. The sit is called step talk so i didnt come here for advice on MY birthchild. i came to "step talk"
I am def taking the advice
I am def taking the advice just as much as I am the comments about my screen name. I wish i never would have brought any of the back ground info up. Would have made this less hurtful. I do care about every response. I am a very sensitive person so even tho i am thankful for the advice about the kids the judgment for my poor choice of name is a bit overwhelming.
You ar totally right. When he
You ar totally right. When he got overwhelmed he wanted to bolt. Have the cake and eat it too so when i stood up and told him its all or nothing he woke up. He saw that i wasnt going to lay down on the situation.
He is asking for a chance to make bigger steps from the baby ones he tried while living seperate because he doesnt want to loose it all.
It was a wake up call for me when he was ready to live seperate. i came off in the convo very strong because i felt he needed to hear the harsh truth about the situation. So he panic in his reaction. I felt i got the most truth from that.
You are right
I am very nervous on how it
I am very nervous on how it would effect my LO. my daughter is number one and nothing will change that I have looked at the pros and cons and will move forward from here. Thank you RipleyV2 for excusing my immature name choice and advising on my situation. Love for him will be set a side and focus on what is most important
Your daughter is still a baby
Your daughter is still a baby right? She will know that something is different, but in the long run she won't be scarred if you choose to leave.
I know it's hard to leave when you love someone, but when it is all said and done, love isn't enough to build a lasting life on. It's an important factor yes, but not the only one. If he's willing to turn every ones life upside down because an 11 year old said so, then you have to take it in your hands to turn your life right side up.
Either the two of you can do
Either the two of you can do the hard work it takes to forge a happy life together or you can cut bait now. There is a case for both.
If you can do like Rags and Ripley said, talk together productively and lovingly and become The Team that the children can not win against nor divide no matter what, you can whip those kids into shape together and it will be better for all concerned. But this takes hard, hard, hard work as a couple. Hard work. Including a tremendous amount of nurturing your relationship, which will be difficult with so many kids involved.
If you cannot do the above, you can do what many advocate which is just live a very separate life from his kids and let go of any expectations you have about their behavior.
Or you can listen to this man's wavering and assess that he is not strong enough to be a real partner in this situation. He may have wonderful qualities but you need more than that to make a life together. Only you were there when he suggested moving out. Only you can tell whether he said it in a moment of despair or whether he said it as an actual proposal for action.
My suggestion is call him out. Tell him this can only work if the two of you are completely side by side or the children will eat you both alive. (Really, they will. That's why this site exists, so many of us have teeth marks in our hides.) Let him think about it awhile. Bottom line is if he's not willing to do that, you had better get out now before more damage is done because you two are doomed anyway.
I did say such a thing to my DH early on and he stepped up to the plate. Even so, it has been hard, hard, work for both us. If he could not have taken my hand and faced the world (read: skids) together, this would have crumbled miserably and I would be gone, in spite of our love and his wonderfulness.
Either way, you can be happy. You and your daughter are both young. There are plenty of other choices ahead of you if you have to go your separate ways from him and baby won't even remember this time.
And if you do work this one out, it can be good, too. Especially since you seem to have no troubles with BM herself, that is a great advantage.
Good luck to you.