New Here. Trying to cope with kid's neglectful BM
I'm new here but I really need some step parents to talk to about all of this. First of all, I am not officially a step mom. Our family is complicated. My boyfriend is still technically married to the kids' BM although they have been apart for a few years. We have been together for about 2 years (we moved fast) and the kids officially moved in with us a year ago. The kids were with us M-F and went to see their BM on weekends although she bailed most weekends or showed up hours late. As of July she wanted to try alternating weeks 50/50 with us but she bailed every week until 6 weeks ago.
To start, 6 weeks ago I picked the kids up from their BM and discovered 2 out of 3 of them had lice. I treated them, cleaned everything and my boyfriend advised their BM that she should do the same. 50 bucks later, we were lice free. The kids went to their mom's and came back with strep... we are used to them coming back sick at this point. They do almost every time. The next time we got them back, one of the kids had lice again. I treated her and we were good again. We got the kids back on Friday after seeing their mom for a week. One of the kids has lice again. Second week in a row. At this point we don't see how this is even possible because we make sure there are no eggs and everything is washed before they go. One of the kids has asthma and needs a nebulizer every night before bed. BM refuses to give it to her.
Every time we get the kids back, they are covered in bug bites, behind on homework, were late to school at least once with their mom, and BM decides not to take the 4 year old to preschool half of the time. 4 year old is allergic to mosquitoes and keeps coming back with welts all over her from them because BM won't put bug spray on them.
BM is now trying to be involved in medical care and is removing me from permission to treat lists even though I have been the one to take them to all appointments in the past year (their dad's work hours prevent him from going unless it's a big appt). She has decided to take over orthodontic care of the oldest (8 years) and keeps making appointments when we cant go even though we started the care.
At this point I just don't know what to do. There is no set custody arrangement and I am sick of hearing horrible things from the kids when they go to their moms, like how mom sleeps all day and has to set an alarm to feed them because she sleeps. I am mainly worried because something isn't right with the kids getting sick every time they go there and them not getting the medical care they have been prescribed. Obviously I am not their BM so I feel like I have no room to speak but I love these kids and just don't know how to stand up for them and protect them. It doesn't help that she lies to my boyfriend about everything and he doesn't know how to handle it either.
Has ANYONE dealt with anything similar to this??? Please help. I am so stressed out by this!
He needs to get a divorce.
He needs to get a divorce. Then get a custody order in place. Calling CPS right now also seems like it might be a good idea.
The reasons I am on them
The reasons I am on them though are because she refuses to take her kids to the doctors. I'm talking about her daughter getting pneumonia the day of the switch and her saying "she's fine" and refusing to take her when their dad confronts her. Shots for school never getting done. Years without seeing a doctor even though they have insurance, 4 years old and never saw a dentist, etc. So when they moved in with us, my boyfriend asked me to start taking care of all that. I am well aware I have no rights, however she refuses to do anything for their well-being and someone needs to keep them taken care of. As long as their dad agrees that I should do it since he usually can't with work, I am going to do it until she steps up. And the closest she has gotten to actually stepping up for them has been when she started seeing her boyfriend. That was short lived and she and her boyfriend try to put the 3 kids (4, 5, and barely
in her boyfriends car which only has 2 seats in back without car seats or seat belts. That was short lived after we found out she did it the first time, now my boyfriend won't let them go if she shows up in a car that they can't be properly bucked in.
They aren't divorced yet because of money. We are living paycheck to paycheck and even though we keep setting money aside for it, something bigger comes up. For example, my car getting broken into and having to pay for a new window. Or the doctor prescribing nightly breathing treatments and having to buy a nebulizer. Big setbacks like that keep wiping out savings. We finally have the money to do it and he has filled out everything. He just needs to take it to the court but it has to wait until he gets a morning off of work. He gets one about every 3 weeks so the next one, it will be filed.
Im sorry my opinion is not
Im sorry my opinion is not one that you will like. I dont believe you should be so emotionally, financially or physically involved to a man that is still someone elses husband.
If he isnt divorced yet then thats down to his choice, but if he can still be married to his wife and still get to live with, sleep with and have you play caretaker to his kids and pay his bills then ofcourse hes not going to push for a divorce.
I may be present when SD needs to go to the DR but I am an extra person there, her dad is the one that takes her. Its mum and dads jobs to do that sort of thing and if mum isnt then dad needs to. If dads working hours arent realistic for taking the kids to the dr then what are they realistic for?
Are you also collecting the children from school? Why? His time with his kids is for HIM.
I personally drop my SD off at school in the morning, because if my partner did then she would have to go to before school care, however if I am off work I do not collect her from school, her dad does, even if that means she has to be at after school care until he gets off from work. Only the parent should be collecting children from school, now by the time you two marry and have your own kids then those circumstances may change but you cant marry, hes already married.
Basically hes also setting himself up to fall, he hasnt even divorced his wife yet and hes already got his new girlfriend doing primary care for his children, no court, no judge is going to find that ok. And if the BM stands up in court and says she feels the children should remain with her because when they are with dad they are actually with you then that will be what happens, regardless of the drs trips.