Love this forum!
I just wanted to say this forum is currently my greatest resource!
I've been a SM for almost 2 years now. I do love my relationship with my step kids. I will never try to be a mother figure for them because, honestly, I don't have mothering instincts. It's why I never want to have kids of my own. I'm more like the cool aunt who lets them stay up late on weekends and watch cheesy old horror movies when their dad is out of town. I teach them "yo mama" jokes and let my SS11 curse in front of me when he's telling me about a crappy day at school. They know that they can be totally free with me, and I want it to stay that way. My husband even made the comment that I'll be the one they run to for clarification after they get the awkward sex talk from him and the BM.
However, there are times that I wonder what life would be like if it was just me and my husband. We definitely wouldn't have to live where we are,(I call it boringville), we'd have more money to treat ourselves, I wouldn't have to deal with the crazy dragon lady BM, we'd be free to be spontaneous and adventurous like we were in the beginning of our relationship.
I felt like a terrible person with these thoughts floating around, until I began reading through the posts here. Each time I typed out a grievance, I realized either how petty or how serious my concerns were. My husband and I tell each other everything, but I know that he will never fully understand how a step parent feels, so I'm glad to be a part of a supportive community that does understand me,
I'll always love the kids, and I know our relationship will grow stronger, and it's okay for a small part of me to wonder "what if?" It doesn't mean I wish they didn't exist or that I harbor any resentment for them. I just have to remind myself that I knew I was committing to a father, but at the same time I'll remind him that he knew he was committing to a woman 10 years his junior who has zero maternal instincts. There will always be give-and-take in our relationship, and since discovering this forum, I know that is normal and healthy for our relationship.
Keep the posts coming, you never know how impactful your venting can be for the rest of us!
Seconded. This forum has
Seconded. This forum has helped me get through my first year and a bit of step parenting and I am sure I will continue to use it to help me over the years to come. My husband thinks it is just full of crazy women who complain all the time and tells me not to look at it too much, but it honestly is one of the best things I've done over the last year is find this website. I am mostly sane because of it. Thanks Dawn!
My husband had the same
My husband had the same reaction when I told him I was hooked on this forum! I just told him, "you're out of your element Donnie!" (Bonus points to anyone who got that reference) and we left it at that.
(My SD is 6.) I see what
(My SD is 6.)
I see what you're saying, we're already having to spend half a day "retraining" them every time we get them back from a long weekend with their BM. She is super permissive and has never had the capacity to properly discipline them. Luckily, while my husband lived out of town, they were raised by my in-laws, who babysat them every weekday since they were babies. I love my in-laws, they raised my husband and his sister right, and they've done the same for the step kids. And my husband is able to be both the fun dad and the disciplinarian with the kids (it's part of why I fell in love with him).
I've talked to my husband about this and he has talked to BM about it. Obviously, she was offended and immediately shut down, she refused to bring up the topic again. (Yeah, she's one of those people.) When I have the kids and they start to slip into bad behavior, I stop whatever we're doing and straight up tell them, "You know the rules here! Or does your dad need to give you a refresher again?" That snaps them back into reality.
I know the BM is scared to ever bad mouth me around the kids. (Why she's scared requires a whole forum of its own.) But I know the kids pick up on her true feelings for me, and my true feelings for her. So that's definitely going to play a part in how the kids perceive me as they get older.
I am concerned about how our relationship will change over the years, but all I can really do is try to note any small changes and talk to my husband about it, see what plan of action we can take. I can't force the kids to feel a certain way for me, all I can do is put in a good effort without having to change my identity and resort to being their doormat. If that's not enough, then oh well. Life will go on for me, I can easily find a life outside step-motherhood. My husband and I have talked about this, he knows my limits and while he says he will always prioritize our marriage over everything else, I'm curious to see how he truly reacts if we're ever put in this situation.
Letting your ss11 curse is
Letting your ss11 curse is not bad behavior ??? You lost me there
Yup, I let him vent. If he
Yup, I let him vent. If he curses, I'm not going to interrupt him. When I was a preteen, I tried venting to my mom about my bad days and she would always interrupt me and make me correct myself. So, I stopped talking to her and just held everything inside. That led to my tendency to overeat and lose myself in hours of trash tv, instead of finding someone who will just listen to me. And venting also helps you see either how ridiculous or how serious the problem really is. It's why this forum works, right?
I guess ~ I just think it's
I guess ~ I just think it's disresprectful. He could use other words to discribe his feelings.
I get that we ( woman ) are not their mothers but respect is a big influence in my family. My SD thought she could do the same at my home ~ which spiraled out of control. I am not her mom but just another person to love her in her life. Sd , gave her an inch she took a mile.
The fact that you like doing
The fact that you like doing things with the skids and say you love them? Well, you're doing better than a lot of us so don't worry that you occasionally think life would be better without them.
Thank you kathc! We're all
Thank you kathc! We're all bound to make mistakes, there aren't enough parenting resources in the world to save us from that, but I'm glad that on my worst days I have this place to vent and get different perspectives on whatever crap we're all dealing with.