Please advise. spoil alert!!
SD 14 is spoiled as PHUCK not sure what her living situation was when she was with her mother but her grandfather has really spoiled her. I do not like this little girl’s ways, to me she is a manipulator, she’s conniving, and more. Her duties at our home are to keep her room and bathroom clean and also clean the kitchen. I cooked and once everyone ate she was to clean as usual. I get up this morning to find dinner still on the stove, and dishes in the sink and the ones in the dish washer were still dirty. I got to DH and share what I found, his reply made me mad, (it’s still good right?.) I turned away and went to her room and said to put away the food when cleaning the kitchen. The reason whatever she does get under my skin is because she tells her grandpa that she needs something so he calls or shows up thinking we are mistreating her and in no way is that true. She has been with us since AUG of this year and has never expressed that she needed underwear, so gramps gets in town and all of a sudden she needs this and needs that, needs to go here and there. The stores she named where 5Below, and dd’s discounts. If anyone knows what these stores are then you know she didn’t need anything important, and for those who don’t 5 below is a junk store where everything is $5 and below and dd’s is like a ross or marshalls. Our youngest had a BD party to go to so we did end up going to 5 below, so it kind of worked but all day long she worries us about taking her to dd’s and never once mention to us before or after about going to get underwear. In my opinion she plays DH and gramps against each other, causing them to argue at times. It’s like if we don’t move when she asks she tells gramps and here comes the BULL CRAP. There is only so much disciplining I can do with her not being my child however I do believe in some type of punishment. Even if she doesn’t do the dishes or does them half ass, DH still gives her an allowance. I’m like wait a minute, where is the punishment. This child has to learn that she or gramps don’t run ish at our home, and we are not taxies, we are adults who work 5 day a week with other responsibilities, besides busing her around to different stores for her to shop or look around. So now I’m a pissed SM without her DH to back her up, I think she should be put in her place as well as gramps, but by me only being SM what am I to do. It makes me not want to deal with her a lot or take her anywhere.
In what way
In what way
DISENGAGE!
DISENGAGE!
Just my 2 cents, but isn't
Just my 2 cents, but isn't expecting the young teen to clean your mess up in the entire kitchen 7 nights a week a bit overdoing it?
You cook, trash the stovetop, the counters and whatever, then get up from the table and simply walk out of kitchen expecting SD to clean it all up? Sure, she is 'old' enough to do all that, but for a 14yr old that's going to real old real fast. Ok, so you work five days a week. I bet SD goes to school five days a week and homework. You might get better results in the clean up the kitchen department if storage up the left over, wipe down the stovetop, counters ....she's suppose to be doing chores, not being your maid. Sure, she ate the food you cooked, but so did you and DH. You could at least clean up your own cooking mess. Clearing the table and doing the dishes is one thing but IMO your taking advantage of 'chores' here.
Oh, and the taxi/underwear thing? SD can't play two men against one another unless both men are willing participants.
Again that’s the one main
Again that’s the one main thing she has to do besides her room and bathroom I do everything else I deserve some help and it’s not like she has to clean the kitchen of an iron chief, geez. I have even sat out containers for her to put the leftovers in, and depending on what I cooked the damn dish has a lid like a casserole dish. so.......
As far as both men willing to
As far as both men willing to participate is not true if they are unaware. She is calling gramps and making things seem important and not letting dad know so when gramps call or comes by he starts fussing and not letting dad get 2 words in. it’s her and gramps that’s starting the ish. This is about her wants not her needs.
how do you figure ill get better results in doing her chore?????
I see it as both willing
I see it as both willing because Grandpa keeps doing it (running to 'rescue' at her slightest command) and DH not putting his foot down.
"Hey Dad, my kid, my problem, my decision on what happens or does not happen. Butt the heck out. In fact , Dad, you don't butt out and let me parent my daughter, your access to you and her outings with you will have to be limited.' There's not much more that needs said. DH doesn't have to explain himself to his father.
The kitchen chore thing? I guess if it's always as simple as Sue and you describe the chore (easy and a mere 15ish minutes) no biggie. I know I my own home though that Friday-Sunday evenings would be a nightmare for a kid to clean up after my cooking. Those are my main cooking/baking days. Luckily for myself I learned to clean/wash as I went about it. And the putting food away is something I do myself as I decide what to do with what or toss or put in freezer or so on. I guess we just cook differently and different extremes of foods/amounts (and there's nothing wrong with that at all of course)....it was just when I read food on stove ect I had visions of my own daughter all but fainting on the floor if she thought she had to go from the dining room table to my terror of a kitchen on a Saturday evening. When I go all out I don't expect her to then come in and clean up after me.
My own daughter is expected to help with chores, but her kitchen duty amounts to making and cleaning up her own breakfast and lunch on weekends (and during summer) and clearing the dining table and doing the dish washer after dinner Monday -Thursday evenings. She does do her bedroom and her own bathroom but then she also has other chores also such as her laundry, running vacuum in family room and living room on weekends, arranging the pantry on grocery day blah blah. She also does different tasks like assisting on seasonal yard work. If she is asking for something like a new bottle of her perfume , I give her chances to non-routine things around the house to earn the cash. She does not get an allowance so to say, ut she does get chances to earn money that aren't a part of the normal expectations. She's 14 and is 99% of the time quite willing to do her chores. I make exceptions to the chores when she truly is swamped with homework (I either waive the day or allow the chore to be done at a different day)
I do have that feeling at
I do have that feeling at times like (this is your child not mine so I don’t give a damn) but I hate to feel that way so I am going to talk to him tonight and see if we can come up with a solution either its him doing it all or him putting his foot down to gramps and her, neither of them pay bills at our home so why should we bow down to them and jump when she say jump. But at the same time this has been a problem well before me, so………. It’s kind of hard to teach someone something new if they are not willing to try or learn or even look like they may be hearing you, so it may just be him doing it all. Which is fine with me, the less I’ll have to deal with her? She wants to go to all these different places and stores but can’t do the dishes, please. He can do it. You guys are totally right depending on our convo tonight I may just back off and let them 3 have it.
I came to this site in early
I came to this site in early July as my then SD12 was turning into demon spawn practically overnight. This is the link that a reader shared on disengaging.
http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
It's tough to do, but I have gone from "doing the right thing" to not really giving a crap most of the time. My health is more important. Here is my first post from last July.....it really, really helped me. I hope it can help you, too!
http://www.steptalk.org/node/192173
~ Moon
A 14yo cleaning up the
A 14yo cleaning up the kitchen after dinner each night is perfectly appropriate IMHO. Cleaning their own room and bathroom is not only appropriate but mandatory. And to the standards the adults in the home require.
My Skid had chores when he was a teen and after he graduated from high school and turned 18 at the end of that summer he had the choice of going anywhere he wanted for college on our dime, getting a job and living at home rent free, moving out on his own and on his own dime, enlisting, or becoming our live in chore bitch/beck and call boy. He was mature enough to realize he was not ready to put the effort in for college and even told us it would be a waste of our money. He was not interested in getting a job and made no effort to join the military. So, for 7mos we worked his ass off. He was truly our chore bitch and beck and call boy. He scrubbed, swept, mopped, vacuumed, sliced, diced, chopped, cut, prepped, cooked, stripped, made, filled, emptied, cleaned, washed, ironed, folded, painted, polished, dusted, organized, clipped, weeded, trimmed, mowed, repaired, etc... and when he was done he did it all over again immediately.
When we went out for dinner, he came with us. When we went on vacation, he came with us. But... when we were at home he did what we wanted, when we wanted, how we wanted, all of the time.
After 7mos he reported to USAF BMT. He had decided that he could take instructions and get paid for it if he launched.
Plan accomplished. }:)