what to do when the BM is cruel to your kids
Big question. I have never gotten along with my DH ex however I have been very good at staying out of the way and taking any issues I have to my DH until now. For years I have stood by while the BM of my SD has put me down, my DH down, us as a family in general down. I have kept my mouth shut while she constantly want to switch days (we have 50/50 custody). Finally I reached a breaking point when she decided to ask my DH if she could bring my SD to my house so I could put her on the school bus in the morning (DH is at work so it would be me doing this). She asked right in front of me like I wasn't even there so I spoke up and told her no. All I said was no. There wasn't any big fight. Just a simple no. Oh how the tides changed once I did that. She decides that instead of taking it up with me she was going to play a little mind game using my bio son as the instrament. I began getting texts and phone calls saying that my son all of a sudden has began being cruel to my SD and she didn't appreciate it. My SD is coming to our house repeating some very nasty things to my son that she is telling him her mom is saying about his bio dad (what business is his dad to her). Then just last week she sent child services to our house saying our house is too small and my son was mean and my SD was miserable and she is doing bad in school (she is doing bad in school but at both houses) so they checked everything out and said they felt this was a ploy for custody and they seen all allegations were unfounded and to consider getting an attorney and taking her to court if this continues. They hadn't been gone 15 minutes when sheriff pulls in the driveway to do a well child check because we missed her phonecall while dealing with this. Now keep in mind all three of my children plus my SD was present for all of this mess and was crying and scared not knowing or understanding what is going on. My SD even said what is my mommy going to do tomorrow. She said she was foi g to tell everybody she doesnt like you. Are you going to jail because my mommy doesnt like you. I was shocked. Then just yesterday I overheard SD tell her BM that my youngest son who is 1 pinched her on the arm and I said it was going to bruise. I didn't think anything of it until the BM basically started saying what a brat my child was and he should have been spanked and if he was her child then he wouldn't get away with that. I lost my top. I have done everything in my power to get my point across to this woman short of just jerking her up and giving her a good one two. I can handle her tearing me down and my DH down but I cannot handle even the thought of her talking junk about my kids. I know my SD repeats this stuff to my kids and I want to protect them. DH says he is going to talk to her again this weekend and threaten to take her to court if this doesn't stop but what good will that really do us? Anyone else deal with this? What did you do to make it stop? I need to note my DH has been in several screaming matches to defend my children and our son together. The only thing he hasn't done is take her to court. He seems to think if we keep ignoring it things will stop and if we take her to court things will just keep getting worse. I think she is just a big fat jelous bully who picks on kids and needs a judge to tell her being an adult is handling an issue with the adults and not bring innocent children into it.
I have been through this,
I have been through this, skids were told, sometimes adults say and do things that are wrong, eventhough they DO know better. We don't know why they do this but it can happen. When adults say things like that, you do not need to repeat it or tattle on them. We dont care! We love the kids and the kids love us so there is no reason to bring that stuff here. BM2 was telling sd and ss to insult us and me and my dd. That they do not have to listen to us, to be bad here and cause trouble etc. They were told firmly only a few times, we do not say things to hurt people in our home. If something is bothering you that you have heard or you have a question about something take it to DH or I not to each other or DD. Bring it to us. If you are repeating hurtful things, you need to take a break and think about it in your own room. That worked for us. The kids still bring rotten things to our attention, but they leave dd out of it. We have let BM2 and our attorney know we are fully aware of what is going on with her and her insults etc. We document it all. BM2 denies it all of course. Well child check ups? Reporting child abuse that never happens? Wow do these ladies all read the same script or what? Terrible!
one of those rare occasions
:jawdrop:
one of those rare occasions when I am glad that the BM is too selfish and lazy to be in my picture.....
I am so sorry for you
My son and my career are two
My son and my career are two of my unconditional deal breakers. DF knows if anyone starts to mess with DS or my career, I'm gone.
Yep. We need a like
Yep. We need a like button.
Seriously... my BM tried this exactly once. Said something about my son that got back to my daughter. BM then shows up to drop off the skids, my daughter (who was a minor at the time) verbally went full bore after her. What spewed out of my childs mouth was a revelation to me... I had never heard a whisper of any of the filth being said regarding my son. BM for about a sentence managed to hold her own with my daughter, by then I had closed my mouth and was coming down off the porch, headed for BM after hearing what she had said about my kid.
BM decided she was not a big dog. Hopped in her car and drove away as fast as the pos could manage in reverse. Nearly took out my mailbox in her hurry to get away from the advancing mama bear. BM later called DH that I "threatened" her. DH advised her to shut her mouth. There was no threat. There was dead ass promise that if her lips parted in regards to my children ever again, she would collect the ass beating she deserved from their mother.. and it would be worth a night in jail to me to pound her into a greasy splotch.
Apparently after that conversation, the skids were no longer allowed to even mention my kids in passing at BMs house. Their names, any reference to them were absolutely forbidden. Which is how it should be.
Micro cassette recorder.
Micro cassette recorder. Record the things SD says to your son about his Bio Dad. Record the things that SD says about what her mommy is going to do next.
Then drag BM to court for anything and everything you can preferably on criminal charges. The only way to deal with this is utter destruction of this toxic manipulative prostitute on the installment plan.
Own her toxic ass.
IMHO of course.
Agree, a recording (which can
Agree, a recording (which can be used in legal proceedings) is a good idea.
Just be sure you research single-party-consent in your state though. A lot of states (I think the majority, although I'm not positive) allow you to record conversations as long as one party (you) are aware of the recording. Some states require both parties to be aware, however, so make sure you know the law in your state.
They do not see their bio
They do not see their bio father. My husband is there only real dad I there life. Their bio maybe calls once every couple months and maybe has seen them three times this year. If i was to tell him I know what would happen. He would show out and wind up in jail. Which may not be a bad thing. I have actually thought to do that. But then I thought my son would hate me if he thought I picked a fight between his dad and her. He loves his dad dearly. Even if he is a dead beat he is still his dad. It hurts him bad to hear things like my mom said your daddy doesn't want you that's why you have to mooch off mine and my mom said my daddy will never love you as much as me because I'm his real kid. I honestly think this woman is jelous. I could be wrong but I honestly just want her to stop. No drama just stop.
BM made a false claim to
BM made a false claim to Child Services about me once. I was investigated and it affected my job. After that, I went to a lawyer and had a letter sent to BM saying that what she was doing was defamation of character. My lawyer warned her to stop or we would take her to court. That was about 18 months ago, and BM hasn't directly done anything since then. However, her mom has.
BM's mom (GBM) now documents everything that SD6 tells her about me, my husband and our baby girl. She sends the information to BM's lawyer and it gets passed on to my husband's lawyer. This woman has made some disgusting implications about us as parents to our baby girl, all based on things that SD has apparently told her. They used all of the things GBM recorded as "evidence" in the most recent custody negotiations.
BM has now threatened my career once and my baby girl once. My husband knows that if she does either of those things again, SD will no longer be welcome in my home.
I don't blame you at all for being concerned about your situation. It's very serious when someone attacks your child in this manner.
Two can play at this crap.
Two can play at this crap. Shred BM'S and GBM's asses and nail them for defamation. You have a history clearly documented of BM and her defamatory crap and every single thing that GBM forwards to BM's attorney then onto your attorney is evidence of her defamatory crap.
Own their toxic asses. Kick it up a notch. Start recording SD when and all she says in your home about the manipulations of BM and GBM. Kids can't keep their mouths shut. She will bare her BM's and GBM's asses. All you have to do is get her talking and she will run from there.
The offensive is the best way to go with these toxic morons. You can't win unless you go on the offensive.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Rags, when I said "recorded"
Rags, when I said "recorded" I meant "documented". GBM doesn't do voice recordings (probably because SD doesn't actually say these things) but she writes down everything "SD said....".
I've been to a lawyer about this, and he said it would be a long, drawn out process if I wanted to fight it. I think I would just add a lot of unneccesary stress to my life if I open up a legal case against BM and GBM. I'm happy just knowing that my husband is on board with changing SD's visitation if anything like this happens again. And if he goes back on his word to me, then I'll take DD and leave.
Thanks for the advice though. I might have to do something like that at some point down the road.
That's true! I've thought
That's true! I've thought about documenting everything SD says about BM, GBM and BM's boyfriend. We hate stooping to their level though. What they're doing seems so petty and immature. They haven't been able to prove anything they're saying, so for now I think we'll leave it. Although maybe it would deter them from continuing this crap in the future.
Like I said, my husband has agreed to change SD's visitation if they drag me or my daughter into this mess again. I'm happy with that because as long as my daughter is protected, that's all that matters to me.
Of course they can't prove
Of course they can't prove anything they are claiming because you and your SO are people of character and reasonable mature adults. There is nothing for the toxic opposition to prove.
However, their behavior is exactly why and what you need to document. Documenting and leveraging their behavior to your legal advantage is not stooping. It is using your superior behavior and intellect to your advantage to protect your family and look out for your Skid's best interests.
Manipulative toxic idiots cannot be treated reasonably because they are not reasonable.
Logic, character, acceptable behavior, etc... do not apply to these toxic assholes because they are incapable of those things so treating them as human or with any level of value or respect at all is a waste of time and respect.
Shred them.
And have fun doing it. }:)
IMHO of course.
You know, I would be tempted
You know, I would be tempted to just have SD live with mom full time. DH can have private visits with SD on Sundays perhaps. Let BM take full responsibility.
When BM was doing very negative things to our home about a year and a half ago, I snapped and said that's it! Move back to your moms full time. Told hubby she needs to go ba k across the ocean to the witch. So hubby told her, you think we are doing such a bad job, I am sending het back to you next weekend and I will see her in summer.
That got BM singing a different tune. She did not want her kid more than 6 weeks a year. That got her to lessen the negative storm she creates.
Same thing. I refused to
Same thing. I refused to babysit two youngest skids while DH was at work so Inbred could go out drinking and she bacame a psycho bitch!! What it took was a confronting her, infront of her own kids with me, my bios, DH, and their dad. What is wrong with a woman mentally that she thinks it's ok to talk about children like this?
Sounds like good advice. I
Sounds like good advice. I don't go around her if I can help it. I see her maybe twice a month. As for my kids they don't see or speak to her at all. She plays 50 questions with my SD when she comes home to her house every other week. I would love nothing more than to convince my hubby to send SD over there full time. Not because I don't like her but because the stress would be so much less. I'd gladly help him pay CS just to be rid of the drama. I try to overlook her and ignore as much as humanly possible but it is just so hard to hear someone put your child down and flat out lie on them and not get upset. She seems to only do it because she knows that's my button. She is working it hard. As for coming to my house..There isn't a snowballs chance in he'll she could even pull in my driveway. That ship sailed when she walked in on my husband and I having personal time when we first got married. She just walked right in the house and no kids there and stood there like we were stupid waiting for us to get decent. After that we took it to court and drop off and pick ups are now only at the courthouse. Thanks for all the advice. Looks like we are going to have to head back to court on this one too. :/
BEEN THERE DONE THAT!!! After
BEEN THERE DONE THAT!!!
After my DH and I had (non binding, unofficial) custody of his then 3 year old daughters for a year, the BM decided she wanted them back and accused my 10 year old BS of touching one of the girls inappropriately. At that point, the girls were VERY close to me and told me any and everything. Why then would they not have told me this? She got an answer she wanted by asking leading questions to a 3 year old girl because she has so much experience in this subject she claims (her mother and aunt were molested by a great uncle, and her maternal grandmother had an affair with her bio father... Yes I know some sick twisted backwoods type stuff). After she made the accusations I had my son go stay with my mother down the street til we could get the accusations sorted out and luckily we made the correct move because CPS showed up at our door the next day and had we not moved him, they would have taken all 4 (his 2 BD and my 2 BS)kids from my home. At this point we filed for official legal custody and she tried to use this CPS stunt to her advantage.
needless to say she didn't win. My son stayed with my mother for 2 months until CPS dismissed the bogus case. to this day, my now 16 y.o. BS HATES this woman with a passion and expresses it every other week when she shows up to pick up the SD's.
Sad to say, the situation NEVER gets any better. I've been in it now for 6-1/2 years and I'm extremely unhappy. Tired of dealing with the BM, and the bratty ass SD's.
Good luck.