my First baby his 2nd
So we're both 30yrsold and been together 5yrs, lived together for 3. He has a 9yrold daughter every other weekend. I'd like to start a family. He is okay with it too, but I have many questions/concerns before we actually start trying. First, my only other long-term relationship I've had was in my early 20's, and back when I was with my ex he was excited and actively spoke about wanting to have children with me. In the relationship I'm currently in, I feel like its ME broaching the subject and longing for a family of my own. I don't know if this stems from him already having a daughter or what. Having kids always been something I have wanted and I feel like its something I need to decide on sooner rather than later. He is a good dad, but I want it to be as special to him as it is to me. I have waited my whole life for it, ya know?
My concerns are: would my pregnancy be as special to him? and what about our child? would I be more of a single mother than anything? I am very scared thinking, it will be me and my child alone, kind of against him and his daughter. I tolerate his daughter, she is a good kid, but she will never be mine, nor do I want her to be. I wish it wasn't so hard deciding to have a family, but its me who has chosen to be in a relationship like this one and it makes me very hesitant to pull the trigger.
Anyway, I would like some advice/input from anyone who has been in a similar situation. How did it turn out? Do you feel like a single mom? Is it dangerous to bring your own kids into a situation like this, knowing its different and more stressful? Also, I don't involve myself with his daughter, and I do not speak to or see the bio mom. I'm not involved at all with that part of his life, and I like it that way. I always leave/make plans the weekends he has his daughter.
At times I do feel like a
At times I do feel like a single mom but I'm not. DH loves our baby and does help but he did not want to sacrifice any time with SD for us. My son is one month old and he thinks its ok to leave us alone ever Sunday for 5 hours to take her to her soccer games and take her out afterwards. 2 Months of sacrifice wont kill him to actually be there for his new born son and wife. 2 days after I brought my baby home she was at my house for 4 days straight and played the jealousy game putting her hands all over the baby pulling his leg I was furious. I had to fight my.DH for one week to myself. He didn't want to give the three of us any bonding time he wanted SD there as much as possible. I had a picture in my phone of the 3 of them DH,SD, and my baby and it didn't feel like family to me maybe because of the way DH has constantly put SD ahead of us and I'm resentful of the both of them.
To him the pregnancy was important to him but he spent a lot of time obsessing over when.SD was a baby it made the experience not so special.
I spent my last few months of my.pregnancy feeling like my son was all I had. Me and DH are starting couples counseling this week.
I would not suggest this life to anyone but not all men.are like my DH so definitely talk about all this with him.
But you may share more of a bond with that child then your DF.
Does he have guilty daddy syndrome? Disney Dad? Mine has that all the way.
You guys have been together a long time did you discuss kids from the start.
Oh and my DH doesn't want anymore kids so I will only ever have one you think he'd at least make this time special for me nope its all about SD.
I would love to tell you to leave and find a childless man but you've been together a while and I assume love each other.
I have a BD who is 16 months
I have a BD who is 16 months and a SD who is 6. When BD was born, it completely changed the relationship I had with SD. I used to be very close to her and we spent a lot of time together. Her BM is very insecure, hostile and bitter. Before BD was born, I went to a counsellor because I was stressed out about a bunch of crap that BM was doing to me at the time. The counsellor advised me to take a step back from SD and let my husband step up to do everything for her. She told me to just focus on me and my baby.
After BD was born, I was exhausted and had no extra time to spend with SD. Also, at the counsellor's advice, I didn't really try to put in extra effort with her anymore. My SD was quite jealous of the baby and did some things to try to hurt her periodically, so I obviously had to discipline her. My SD and I have definitely grown apart since BD was born. Because my husband doesn't bother to parent SD very well, there is sort of an us vs. them thing going on in our house, like you are worried about.
My husband recently found out through his lawyer that BM has been documenting everything negative that SD has had to say about me and our household since BD was born. Basically, SD feels invisible and I am mean.
If your husband parents his child and you're not a big part of her life anyway, I would say that what happened to me won't happen to you. Your SD won't be as jealous of the baby as mine was. She won't expect you to be super involved in her life if you weren't that involved to begin with.
I am a Step Dad. I have no
I am a Step Dad. I have no BKs. This topic comes up fairly often. I am one to move to a current relationship position on this topic. This is the first child for both of you together. He has a child from a prior relationship. So what?
I do not believe there is a need to put undue pressure and tension on the relationship or pregnancy by going through a non value added coulda, woulda, shoulda analysis.
This is your first child together. His first with you and your first with him. He will be excited. He has changed diapers before, he has fed a baby before, he has been a daddy to a toddler, young girl, and now a pre-teen. So what? He has done none of things with you.
Focus on your family and your DH will too. Sweat history and so will your DH.
Your call.
Good luck.
Good advice
Good advice
im 37 and childless by
im 37 and childless by choice.
im glad i do not want kids because there is no way i could have a baby with my SD13 around.
Well this is kind of my life
Well this is kind of my life right now! Hopefully I can give some insight..
I, like you, wanted to start a family of my own. I think all I ever wanted was one child. DH has 2 sons 8 and 11. I knew a child would change a lot of things in life but I was ready. Initially, when I discussed with DH, he wanted to "wait" as he said "we can pick up and go anywhere, do anything right now" (which is untrue as he has 50/50 custody). I kind of felt his heart wasn't really in it...like he would have been okay with me and his 2 sons and that's it. But for someone who always wanted to be a mother, I can't handle not having a child. He eventually agreed that he would like a child, and had some excitement about being a dad again and having the child 100% of the time, which he currently didn't have. When we did the whole trying to conceive journey, it took us awhile. He oftentimes gave up so to speak and would get frustrated and say well let's wait then since its not happening etc. There were times he definitely wasn't 100% with the idea.
Fast forward, I finally get pregnant. Even though he had been through it twice, there was still SO much joy, he went to my appointments, etc. Not sure how your DH is, but mine LOVED to go down memory lane and would talk about "when BM was 20 weeks along, etc etc" So be prepared for that. I put my foot down with that. Every ultrasound, heartbeat was the coolest thing to both of us. When we found out it was a girl, we cried. Just so happy. It was a very special time.
Now that the baby is here, life has done a 180. We have NO time alone, don't really have sex anymore, etc. Which I guess is normal when you have a new baby?? Our DD is high maintenance/high needs, colicky, and very difficult to deal with. DH had no patience and couldn't handle her screaming. It was up and down - he loved his little girl, took a billion pictures and was so proud. But then the screaming came and he would hand her to me lol. When you're pregnant, you never think your child will be less than perfect so to have a baby with colic or god forbid something really wrong, you learn a lot about yourself and your partner. We argued a lot. He would be at work and I would deal with a screaming baby all day. That plus post partum hormones, watch out. Then, you have to figure, his kids are older. They would go on day trips and amusement parks that I couldn't go to with a newborn. I hadn't showered in days, up all night feeding a baby, I didn't want to do all that stuff with them. I was exhausted. When you have a newborn, you will see it is the most lonely time of your life. You're awake all hours of the night, alone, feeding and comforting baby. That separated us even further.
Good part? I guess it did help that he was more experienced than me when it came to kids. I had zero experience. He taught me how to give my baby a bath, if she had minor issues, he would say oh thats fine, the boys had that, here is what you do. So sometimes I didnt mind him bringing up the past..
At the end of the day, it is me and the baby alone, a lot. Your SKid is 9 so that difference in age is similar, and you may feel left out of their activities because you don't want to (or are to tired to) cart around a newborn. I am now back to work and do all the pick up/drop offs, feed her, bathe her, play with her. He doesn't help that much, but some men are just like that. I know my dad was like that in my family, my mom did everything.
My relationship with the skids has changed as well. Before we were somewhat close, now they are just "there." My world is my baby so I'm too preoccupied with her. DH does everything for them. Laundry, food, etc. I am fine with this because as I said before, DD is high needs so she doesn't let you get anything done.
That is all I can really think of! I know this is a lot, but hopefully it gave you something to think about! As crazy as my life is now, how I have NO time to myself and cant pick up and go on dates, etc with DH, I have NEVER EVER loved anyone as much as I do my child. She is my world and I wouldn't have it any other way. It's a love that I am so glad I can experience, despite some of the negatives.