I would say... Disengaging with BM from day one.
Also, I would have NEVER been so kind to her, and helped her with SD when she asked.
I would have laid BOUNDARIES down to FDH, much sooner than 3 years after the fact.
I would change nothing about how we handle SD, and how we became untied as parents (for SD and our children)

Most all of my changes would have been how I handled BM.

But I'm changing it now... Better late than never... Right? Lol

Running after the third date!!!!
Since running don't count I should never have played the Dad's role.
I still wish I had run for the hills.

I never would have gotten engaged, moved in together, bought house as soon as we did.

I would have waited to buy a house. I think owning this damn house is what tied me to DH (in my mind) in the first place and in some ways keeps me with him.

I love him, we have our good days and one day I may look back and think it was all worth it...but for now... I say letting him move into my apartment and then me buying our house... I would do that whole process over again.

I would have disengaged from skids on day 1. There was no need for me to get to know them, and I should not have let them even learn my last name.

I would not have moved in, sold my house, or married DH. I would have dated him at least until second skid was 18 and off at college. Then MAYBE I would consider doing those things. Maybe not though because God knows there are plenty of adult skid horror stories on here.

I also would have gone into the relationship disengaged. I think damn near every problem here is the result of step-parents trying to parent when the kids would do just fine without them. Parallel lives so to speak.

I see clearly now children ending up in jails and mental asylums simply because their parents got divorced AND a step-parent got involved.

I would have to say I wish I disengaged the moment we started living together.

Disengaged from skid from day 1! (Made VERY CLEAR boundaries with DH about his baggages: ex and skid)

I would have never met BM. Ever. Or spoken to hear at all.

Since I would know in advance the jaw-dropping moves that SD would make, I would be prepared for them not stand there in shock. I would set very firm boundaries on ALL issues with her from the beginning, instead of just some. I would hire a wedding planner whose main responsibility is to keep SD away from DH and from me.

And I would tell DH in neon signs that he better not allow her to treat me with anything but respect.

I never would have let personal information drop in front of SDthen8. Even at that age she knew to manipulate and scheme.

I never would given BM a second thought or glance. I SURE as hell wouldn't have let her insanity cloud my wedding day.

Like others, I would have disengaged from Day 1 and treated the skids like I would a stranger - polite, but impersonal.

Also, I would have done anything to NOT pick up or drop off the skids - NOT that I do it often, but now I wish I had never made it a very occasional option.

As I sit here, looking at my family..my SS and bio son playing like the brothers they are, my daughter teasing them like the big sister she is..
I see they are all happy kids. I'm blessed to have them ALL in my life, and as a Mom who got that worst nightmare phone call just little over a month ago, that my BD16 was involved in a roll over car accident in a convertible, and thank God, she will be okay. She's seriously injured and has a long road of recovery. But the fear that goes through you in unspeakable. So I don't think disengaging from my SS was ever an option for me, especially since I've been a parent to him since he was a baby and I love him as I do my own bio kids. Our family wouldn't be the same without anyone of our kids. But looking back to almost 10 yrs ago, I would of set firm boundaries with BM, and DH about BM. I would of stuck up for my self with BM, and not of allowed my DH to stick his head in the sand when dealing with BMs craziness.
I guess all in all, I would of shown my self respect before now, 10 yrs of the crazy and it's just now breaking me to the point of finding this site for help, and advice from other SP.

I think I have realized that nothing I did then, or ever did, could have any positive impact on any relationship.

Whether it was helping my SO with his relationship with his kids, or me trying to get to know the skids it was all futile. It was a no-win situation because BM had completely alientated them in an insidious and manipulative way. There is no power as strong as a mother's love - and the kids will always be loyal to mom even though she is a cheating, lying, psycho loser.

It will never ever be "fixed" ... no matter how many years or how much effort or patience you exhibit. They are adults now and still treat their father like he is completely disposable. It breaks my heart to see him in so much pain and know there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.