HELP! No Bio Children of my own; Possibility of a stepchild living in our home!
I am a 23 year old female living with my boyfriend ( we arent marriend or engaged). He is 31 years old and has two children of his own from 2 previous relationships. His daughter is 6 and adores me and his son is 10 years old. I came into the relationship aware that he has his children every other weekend.
Recently he received a call from his sons mothers husband (who has a daughter with her) that she is being an unfit mother. He said that she has been cheating, bringing two different guys to the home, Having the children lie about her actions, hitting his son for no reason at all and drinking every day. The guy wants custody of his daughter and says he will be calling social services. Of course my boyfriend will be speaking to his son and see what is going on. He then proceeds to tell me that if the mother is really being irresponsible he will have to take custody of his son.
I like his children and have no issues but as a 23 year old student I am not ready to live with a child. Our apartment is extremely small and can even be called a studio. Right now in our apartment I have total freedom. I can do what ever I want, drink, have friends over, go out on dates when we want to, be couch potatoes, and ultimately have our privacy. We havent even been on vacation together, there is so many things that we still have to do as a couple. I am not ready for that responsibility of taking care of someone elses child. I am still in that honeymoon stage and I dont even have children of my own. I know that is his son and he would do anything for him and I understand that at the end of the day I come second in his life after his children. I love my boyfriend with all my heart and want a future with him but right now having my whole living situation change and life as well is not something that I want or that I am ready for.
Am I wrong to feel this way? What should I do if it comes to that?
I know there is always that
I know there is always that possibility but I did not think it was going to happen so soon into our relationship. (SHRUG) Something that I forgot to mention was that the husband of the ex got his daughter on tape saying that her mom makes both the children lie and that she talks about the other men and constantly hits her son.
I was thinking the same about it being allegations and that possibly he is holding a grudge towards her and wants my SO to be on his team but you never know. I also know that his son would love to live with my SO.
I on the other hand adore my SO but living with children who have different manners, constantly make a mess all over the place was not what I envision right now.
I def do need to analyze the situation and figure out if I can really handle it. I am still young and not ready for so much responsibility and our relationship to change but it breaks my heart to think about letting him go.
I want to be supportive of his situation but its not fair that he should think that this can be dumped on me and I have no concerns or feelings about it.
You are absolutely NOT wrong
You are absolutely NOT wrong to feel the way you do. At least you have the smarts to know how you feel and try to take care of it.
First off...always remember that there is a chance he will get custody of his kids. If not now then next month or next year or 5 years. IT CAN ALWAY HAPPEN.
IMHO... live on your own for now. I am a little old fashioned and still believe in dating and then marriage and then living together, but that aside...live apart to see if this man is truly someone you want to live with. Especially with the chance you will become instant mom figure to 2 little kids.
And in no way shape of form
And in no way shape of form would I want him to be a bad dad. If his son is in danger than of course his resposibility is for him to take charge and take care of his son. This is why of course I would be the one to remove myself from the home. There really is not room for three people to live in the apartment. The bedroom does not even have a door. Its just not the ideal living space for a child.
I am not ready for those things to change so maybe I already have answered my own concerns. Maybe I can make an effort but I really dont feel that I would be happy living that way. It's a new relationship and it would no longer be about me and our time together.
You are not wrong. If
You are not wrong. If anything you are absolutely right. You are a single, child free, 23yo young woman with your life in front of you. Pursue your own goals and dreams and when you find a man who can be a quality and equity partner for you, who can meet your own reasonable standards of how you expect to be treated, respected, loved and honored. Primarily, a man without baggage.
What I am about to say next may not sit well, but if you were the one with young children and your 31yo BF was considering partnering with you to make an equity life partnership and raise your children my advice would be different. You are young. Live your life for you for a while. In 5-10 years if you are still looking for Mr. then you can revisit your goals and standards.
Take care of yourself.
Good luck.
I was in a very similar
I was in a very similar situation. And I went for it and had them move into my apartment. It was VERY difficult for awhile and tested our relation, and my sanity, to the very core.
But now, 5 years later, we're on the other side. The child still lives with us. We're married. And very happy.
We think, because of all the crazy s*** we went through early in our relationship, we got to bypass the "normal" relationship issues.
I'm not saying this is for everyone, because it was so ridiculously hard (and still has it's moments) but in the end, I do think it was worth it. For me.