fiancé's adult children
I have been in a relationship with a man 10 years my senior for 7 years. I am a widow and he is divorced. We both have grown children. My kids include him in family activities but his kids will not even speak to me if they see me in public. They invite their father to their homes and to go on family outings (of course the ex-wife always is there as well). He says that if he doesn't accept these invitations he will never see his kids. We live together- in my house. We love each other very much but his kids cause me a lot of stress and sadness. We planned to get married but he is afraid that his kids will disown him if we do. He is a very kind man but is so manipulated by his grown children and ex-wife. I feel so caught between a rock and a hard place. Why can't his kids see that I love their father very much and am very good to him in many ways?
I couldn't be with a man who
I couldn't be with a man who is afraid of his own children and willing to cast me aside to play family with them and the ex. Nope. If he is willing to let them run his life, I would not be in it.
^^^^This^^^^^ To both hereiam
^^^^This^^^^^
To both hereiam and Mairin.
Holding off on marriage for 7 years? For ADULT kids? No way, no how, nuh uh.
Festivities with ex-wife and kids but not me? Hope you can sleep on their couches (or ex-wife's bed) cuz you don't have a home at this address anymore.
Thanks for your thoughts. We
Thanks for your thoughts. We talk about this a lot. We went to a therapist but never got any resolution. I want to get married for several reasons- morals and to give me legal footing. I am so afraid that if he were to get sick his family would call all the shots. He is in excellent health now but you never know what might happen. I don't like being the "girlfriend" that is never mentioned- by his family, at least. He has suggested moving to his own place but financially it is good for us both to be together. Maybe I should just accept the situation as it is and try not to think about his family. I do not want to lose him. It just makes me so angry that his kids have no regard for his feelings. They don't care that he is happier now with me than he has been in a long time.
If he's talking about moving
If he's talking about moving into his own place, then maybe he isn't really interested in getting married again.
"I want to get married for
"I want to get married for several reasons- morals and to give me legal footing. I am so afraid that if he were to get sick his family would call all the shots."
That's exactly what will happen. Don't be "afraid" of it, PLAN for it. Because that. is. exactly. what. will. happen. Read up on Casey Kasem, if you missed it. And he was MARRIED.
You will lose him. Sorry to be so harsh, but you will. The instant there's an accident or an illness, he belongs to them and you have no standing.
Also agree with Disney who says he may not want to be remarried, if he's talking about getting his own place. Maybe he himself is using his kids as an excuse to keep his freedom and a bit of distance.
Call his bluff. Say you can't live like this any more. He should be out the house by such and such date and in the mean time he can sleep on the couch and you are putting up a dating profile tonight.
You have already put up with waaaaaaay too much.
Ybarra357, you are right. No
Ybarra357, you are right. No matter what I do they will never treat me with respect. It is up to me now. But not matter what I do I am hurt. If he leaves me I will be so sad but if he stays I have to accept the rudeness of his family. What do you suggest?
>Are you trying to use common
>Are you trying to use common sense and actually read my comment for what it was rather than extrapolate some bull shit just to make a controlling argument against my comment?<
You owe me coffee...
...and a new computer screen!
I am not worried about DF
I am not worried about DF going back to his ex. He can't stand her! But he know he has to tolerate her in order to see his kids. They never invite him to do anything w/o the ex being involved as well. The kids have been trying for years to get their parents back together, even though the marriage was so bad for so long. Strange! Unfortunately I am a casualty of their war.
This is not a hobby or
This is not a hobby or interest that he has that you don't enjoy, this is exclusion and it's rude and disrespectful. Rude of his kids and rude of him. And you are obviously not okay with it or you wouldn't be here (and I don't blame you). To see his kids alone is one thing (still rude for them to demand it) but for the ex to be included?
My SD23 lives with BM, yet we have not seen BM in almost 5 years. Go figure. My SD knows that there is no way in hell that my husband wants to be around BM and if SD refused to see him because of it or because of me, oh well, her choice.
What your BF and his "family" have going on is pretty dysfunctional and his kids are full grown, full blown brats.
He should ask himself how his own adult kids could be so selfish as to not want to see their own father happy. And why he allows them such control. It's not just because he loves them, either.
I'm curious about the living
I'm curious about the living together in your house. YOu say that makes good financial sense but you know I bet it doesn't make for a balanced setup. He's benefitting from your resources whilst you are excluded from his innermost sanctum.
I personally think that as well as planning your future life around expecting his death to be made a thousand times worse by your skids' machinations, you ought also to think about the impact of what marrying him will do to the skids' battle over inheritance when he passes.
In my view to keep the relationship healthy you ought both to be living separately, not marrying for now until these issues are resolved, and enjoying each day as it comes whilst (you) planning to cut loose from the nonsense that will occur from others when his life is ended.
If he wants to marry I would certainly in your shoes make marriage preconditional upon a better joint approach to these issues.
This should make you laugh!
This should make you laugh! His heir is his ex!!! She is the only one named in his will. He says he did this out of guilt. My late husband left me a military pension that covers my mortgage. I plan to retire from teaching in 2 years) BF gives me $ each month to share expenses. So I will lose out in more than one way if he leaves.
So you're allowing yourself
So you're allowing yourself to be treated like crap because he gives you money each month????? :sick: :sick:
You have a job and a military pension. Once you retire, you'll have your pension and/or 401K. As long as you're living within your means, you don't need him to help cover expenses.
If he believes you need him to make ends meet, then he knows you won't toss his butt out. That allows him to do as he wishes. Right now that means leaving you behind while he's off having a blast with his family. It also allows him to play house with you, but leave everything to his ex once he dies.
You have the power to end this.
Thanks for all your input!
Thanks for all your input! What I want and what I can have are 2 different things. BF has told me that he would like to marry me but he is very afraid of his grown kids. He thinks they will have nothing to do with him if we get married. I understand that they love him as their father. They just have a strange way of showing it. His daughter would not have anything to do with him after the divorce for 3 years. Now she is married and treats him better. Of course he paid for the reception! I was not invited to the wedding. I do not want to get between him and his kids. I just wish that they would give me 1/2 a chance. I am convinced that they are following their mother's orders not to have anything to do with me. Of course she doesn't want him, she just doesn't want him to be happy. He left her 7 years ago and has moved on. She has dated in the past but is not in a relationship now. Her true colors came through! I know that time will tell but I feel so conflicted. I truly love this man and want what is best for him as well as myself. Since he lives with me he is the one who will have to leave. He does not want to go. What we have together is wonderful, except for his family. What a mess!!!
I agree with several of the
I agree with several of the other posters. He should get his own place. Yes, financially it probably IS beneficial, and convenient to both of you. You are now living together in what would be considered a 'common law' setting. In a many states living with someone for 7 years constitutes a common law marriage. This could benefit your BF - and the skids - greatly.
Another thing, you are now living as a married couple so you could be expecting the same from him as you would a husband. If he were to have his own place, your expectations might be more for a BF. This could ease up on the pressure. Either way, if he is serious about your relationship you would be important enough in his life that he would not allow disrespect and rejection by his children, nor would he be socializing with his ex-wife.
He has not moved on. Well,
He has not moved on. Well, physically he has but that's about it.
His ex has it made. She gets to do all the fun stuff with him, ths kids and grandkids. When it comes to the dirty work(cooking, cleaning, laundry, snoring....) she sends him back to you. When he closes his eyes for good, she and his kids will have the pleause of giving you hell because that is how he has things set up. And you are allowing it. No man or amount of money is worht what you're putting up with.
The kids excluding you is nothing compared to his ex being his heir.
Time to quit playing nice.
Time to quit playing nice. He expects and wants to be accepted and treated as part of your family. By now he probably takes it for granted. After all this time he still lives that separate life as family on the side with his own, and you are not included.
If you accept this treatment it will only get worse. Why do you play by different rules? I have been in this situation. Talking always ended with hearing the same story about never seeing the adult kids if not on their terms, their own extended families and their mom.
I began spending time with my children, grandchildren, my siblings. He would hear afterwards about the great time out on the boats, jet skiing, the tours we took, dinners, even zip lining. Stopping by to visit a family member often turned into an adventure. All those things he would have loved to be a part of happened without him. It was a new experience to him to not be included and to find out just how it felt to be left out.
Dh had set that standard. I was following his lead. Marriage is a constant negotiation. When he was ready to renegotiate the expectations and rules then i was willing to sit down and do the same.
the skids may never cometo
the skids may never cometo accept you and your dh is a heel for treating you the way he allows his children to exclude you.
this is very common sadly. you must learn to be happy by disengaging.
What your DF is telling you
What your DF is telling you is that he'd rather appease his kids (and ex-wife) than you. He has all the power in the world to tell his kids that he doesn't want to participate in activities with his ex-wife, that they divorced for a reason. But he chooses not to stand up for himself (and for you).
His kids don't have to like you, don't have to really accept you. But they should have to acknowledge that you are their father's partner and respect that. That your DF doesn't insist on that tells me that his preference is to keep you invisible where they are concerned. A shallow relationship with his kids is more important to him than a committed relationship to you.
Has he done ANYTHING to address this issue with his kids?
I'm sorry but this guy has no
I'm sorry but this guy has no self-respect. He has placed all his assets with his children and all his future assets with BM -- fine, that's his choice. But he then lives in YOUR home because it makes financial good sense? You bet it does -- to him. It keeps their future assets the highest possible -- off your back.
I don't know who first started that conversation between the two of you as to why it was so financially beneficial for you both to reside in your place. But I'd be so curious to know how it started. And in your shoes now I'd carefully go back in your mind as to every single word he has said about that aspect of things. Examine it critically. Think how it would sound to an uninvolved third party who was even-handedly thinking about the financial affairs of each of you separately. Check in your mind to see if you think there is equity and balance there.
It is so incredibly unusual for a divorced person with a new marriage to leave their assets to their first spouse. I've never heard of it before. The children, yes -- that's understandable -- but the former wife? So why did they even divorce then?
I'm not meaning to sound materialistic and I'm not suggesting you should worry that you're not in that will, far from it. No doubt your will is devoted to YOUR own kids. But where people commit their money tends to say rather a lot about where they also commit their hearts.
This guy hasn't got room in his life for remarriage yet.
And the fact that he has done this to you tells me that if he does ever cut that woman out of his will, means that if he ever alters that it will not be for you -- it will be for his next partner...
I am in a similar situation
I am in a similar situation however my fiancé wants to get married. I did not officially say yes until his 19 year old son announced he was moving out and then the yes and planning started . 3 weeks later his son said he changed his mind and wanted to move back in with us into the new house I just bought. Discussed the rules that need to be laid down and enforced in the new house with my fiancé and that we would have a talk with his son, to show respect for others, such as no drugs in the house, no food eaten outside of the kitchen (the kid is a slob), he is to clean his bedroom and bathroom weekly, etc. It has now been 2 months since my skid has moved back in and the rules haven't been formally laid out and the ones verbally spoken have all been broken. We never fight about anything until now. He is scared to lay down the law with his son and I am starting to resent it. I have my own son here which he is a few years younger not the example I want him to follow and it is not fair there are 2 sets of rules.
The wedding is less than 30 days away, I am not feeling very excited about it at the moment. If I knew what I know now things would be different.
Mine won't change neither will yours, I am sure it will come down to me being the bad guy and throwing his son out.
OP, did you ever see his
OP, did you ever see his divorce decree??? This guy may still be legally married to BM.