Wow….where to begin?! First, I am happy as hell to have found a place to vent. I have been a SM for approximately 3 1/2 years to a nearly 5 year old SS. He was a baby when BM & DH split up, and has literally no memory of life being any other way than what it is now. He's a sweet little boy & I feel very protective of him. To be fair, his mother loves him very much, and besides the fact that she, along with her mother, spend entirely too much time trying to find ways to use SS to hurt DH, is otherwise a decent parent. However, she is the epitome of the bitter, vengeful ex-wife. I have exes, and we have children together. We also were adult enough to know that when our relationship as husband/wife was over, it didn't excuse us from having to co-parent & do right by our children. We were able to maintain civil relations & lines of communication for the sake of making the transition for our children as painless as possible. Because I have not ever felt the need to use my children as a pawn to hurt their father, I am appalled & mystified by BM's nasty behavior. The things that she does, or doesn't do, in order to alientate DH from their son's life are ruthless and petty for the most part.

She WILL not have a face to face conversation with DH regarding anything to do with their child.

Occassionally they will attempt to communicate via text, but this is usually unsuccessful as DH can't even really speak his mind without BM running to her attorney crying.

Although they were granted 50/50 custody, she does not confer with DH regarding any major decisions involving SS's education, medical treatment, etc.

She may send him a text or write a 'note' in the ridiculous communication book that is sent back and forth TELLING DH what she's going to do.

Because she is a drama queen, and is constantly trying to turn everything into an event that she can use against DH, the exchanges now have to take place at the local police department. This was at DH's request, because he was tired of her antics. Oddly enough, there have been no further 'incidents'. Her mother frequently records the exchanges, even though she was ordered by the court to stop doing this, as there was no reason for it. I believe it's just to try and provoke DH; really, it's just making the exchanges tense & weird for SS.

Although BM is not employed, by choice, and lives in the granny unit that DH built on BM's mother's property, she has managed to secure a ridiculous amount of CS.
She pays $300 a month rent, although her claim was that after DH moved out her mother raised her rent to $600 (really?!) She has a BA, but fiddle farts around pretending to be a ferrier - a ferrier who apparently sucks at her job, as she only 'claims' to make $500 a month. She has numerous horses, and various other farm animals, including a pony for SS. These are expensive hobbies for someone who is claiming to be in such dire financial straits.

BM is an expert at playing the victim. There was never any time during their relationship that she was subjected to domestic abuse, or even verbal abuse. She and DH lived right next door to BM's mother & now deceased father. BM is an only child, who still brings her mommy with her during exchanges. It's really quite disgusting - this is a woman in her mid 30s.
As far as I can tell, she is still just a spoiled little girl, who's used to getting her way, and who is so outraged that her one and only serious relationship didn't work out & that DH left her, that she cannot get over it. Screw the kid's feelings - make DH pay at any price, for the rest of his life!!

BM also gets alimony & an equalization payment. BM's mother pays for her attorney, yet she has managed to have the courts order DH to pay for her attorney's fees. This is nice for her, as she can then call her attorney for every little thing, and we are stuck paying for it. The only truly good thing about this, is that DH & BM were not married for very long, so BM will only receive alimony for about another year and a half. HALLELUJAH!!

We fought long and hard to have SS for overnight visits. Finally, we were granted ONE night a week. ONE. We are not criminals. We are gainfully employed, I with the local school district, and DH as local law enforcement. We don't smoke, we are not junkies or alcoholics, we don't have gambling problems….yet, we are not allowed to have SS for more than one night at a time. If we ask BM for extra time she ALWAYS denies the request, because SHE has plans. I guess her plans are more important. We are due for a review soon, and hoping to actually have the SS for two nights - this is a small town & small county with a pretty backwards judge, so I'm not holding out much hope.

BM does other things that are just so childish, I can't even begin to explain how frustrating it is. An example: We were discussing getting archery sets for the children & teaching them to use them properly. Just a discussion, no rock solid plans to do this. The kids were excited by the idea, and SS apparently told BM. The following week he was all smiles as he told DH about the bow and arrow his mother had ordered for him. If we take him camping, she has to one up us by going somewhere further & nicer, because she has all the time, and apparently $, in the world.

DH and his family have never been particularly close. When he and BM were together, she was very vocal to DH about her loathing & disgust for his family, and complained every time they had to attend a family function. However, since they have split, she has suddenly become best friends with his family, convinced them that he is to blame for the relationship ending, as apparently she was the perfect wife in her mind, and continues to stay in contact with them and regularly orchestrates and attends family gatherings with DH's family. He has cut them off completely, as this was the final straw for him. His father claims it was so that he could continue to see his grandson…but he could see his grandson through DH. Again, this is strange territory for me, as I cannot imagine any scenario where I would continue to hang out with my ex in-laws. No reason to be uncivil, but certainly not gonna go hang out & BBQ. As for his family - I find them to be a disgusting, unloyal lot of degenerates.

On top of all of this ongoing, nit picky, passive aggressive bullshit, I have to constantly bite my tongue & restrain myself from laying into BM. She can't handle being called on her atrocious behavior, and is so convinced that she is in the right, that to say anything to her is a threat & she and her mother run to the attorney. Worse? Her attorney told our attorney she's really coming across as a crazy, unreasonable ex-wife, and he doesn't agree with her actions…but of course, as long as her mother keeps paying him, he'll keep showing up in court.

Recently, SS graduated from over-priced preschool. Did BM advise DH, so that he could attend? NO. We learned about the graduation in the local paper. DH wrote a note in the comm. book reminding BM to keep him informed of any events involving SS's education, and also inquiring as to her ideas on kindergarten. NOTHING. No response to that at all. Hey, it's not his business - he's just the sperm donor. Even more hurtful is that she also did not bother to advise DH of the Father's Day event held at the preschool. The school is also on the hook for this, as DH went in a few months back to request that he be kept in the loop, per the court order. However, the BM's mother once worked at the school & is friends with the director - so you can guess how that went.

BM also sends SS in size 2T clothing(he's small, but still wears 3T pants/4T tops), clothing that is too small, clothing that I have been seeing on this child almost since I've known him, every week. I think he has better clothing, but she refuses to dress him in decent clothing to come to our home. He often smells like mildew, because laundry does not appear to be a priority - much too busy being unemployed I suppose. I used to wash the clothes BM sent him in before I sent them home - however, she has never returned that favor, and often it appears that she goes out of her way to make sure that whatever clothing we send him home in gets as dirty & stained up as possible, and shoved back into the backpack to fester until he returns to us.

BM has never taken SS for an actual hair cut. Her crazy aunt, who is not a stylist nor does she have any talent, cuts SS's hair every great once in a while. BM gets a hefty sum of money; a $10 haircut at the local barber shop is not gonna break the bank. However, she can't be bothered. I have sons, both grown now. I never let them look so raggedy…so it drives me crazy to see SS looking so unkempt in dirty, too small clothing with a grown out homemade hair cut. As a result, I have convinced DH that we start taking SS for regular haircuts. No response from BM. No thank you, no fuck you, no nothing.

BM also takes SS for therapy sessions, in the hopes that the therapist will discover, or invent some issue that will perhaps dissuade the courts from allowing us to have more time with SS. So far, that has backfired, as the court requested a review from the hippy dippy therapist, which indicated no issues other than what BM 'claims' to have observed. Still, BM drives 40 minutes each way, once a week, to take SS to play in the sand with a hippy for an exorbitant amount of money. The kicker? Not only does DH provide health coverage for SS, but BM expects him pay the final bills from these visits. Even though they are unnecessary, and she never conferred with DH about them; again, she just decided that was what she was going to do. DH's opinion matters not.

There is so much more, and as I read back through this rant, I realized some of it is very petty. But damnit, I have to get this poison out. I can only complain so much to DH - he's miserable enough over it. I don't really know any other step-parents, so this site is a God send. I am glad to know I'm not the only one dealing with the challenges of being a step-parent & dealing with my spouse's miserable ex. I just don't know how to handle her, and restraint is not one of my finer qualities. I try to ignore as much of it as I can, but sometimes I am so hurt for my DH and SS, and so exasperated that I just want snatch BM bald! Anyhow, I'm sure this is a disjointed mess, but the ability to vent is very much appreciated. Thank you for this site!!